Codependency and beyond - Part 19
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Rita)))- will go read you post but sending out extra prayers.
Just woke up, though aunt Phyllis had called me earlier. She is having an epidural injection in her back on Tue., as the back pain is really huriting her (her back is a mess, even after 2 surgeries, years ago). She told me the cousins who were married in Oct. are expecting baby #1 in October or Novermber
Stepmom can't find her shampoo...apparently was in the bathroom. I'm staying out of it. My stuff is in my room.
Need to get some things done today, but gottta get up the motivation, first.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Just woke up, though aunt Phyllis had called me earlier. She is having an epidural injection in her back on Tue., as the back pain is really huriting her (her back is a mess, even after 2 surgeries, years ago). She told me the cousins who were married in Oct. are expecting baby #1 in October or Novermber
Stepmom can't find her shampoo...apparently was in the bathroom. I'm staying out of it. My stuff is in my room.
Need to get some things done today, but gottta get up the motivation, first.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,691
I would welcome any advice anyone has on setting personal boundaries. I did a small wee look on google and got ALOT OF PAGE results but i would rather read someone i trust. I read your link chino. I think its something in codependent no more later on but im not yet there.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,691
This is something i found:-
"It is important to state our feelings out loud, and to precede the feeling with "I feel." (When we say "I am angry, I'm hurt, etc." we are stating that the feeling is who we are. Emotions do not define us, they are a form of internal communication that help us to understand ourselves. They are a vital part of our being - as a component of the whole.)
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
Rita, I love when I remember to work the steps in an uncomfortable situation. It really is one of those awesome things in recovery, that we only learn about the steps through some horrid dysfunction, but we end up the ones blessed because of it.
On boundaries and the reading: I am learning in recovery to say no to things that make me feel uncomfortable. I am not at a point right now where a weekly commitment to a particular meeting works well. I am also not comfortable enough with the steps to sponsor anyone. I used to make excuses and feel bad, now I just allow that these things arent for me.
Equally as important is adding in the nice things. Naps feel good. Turning off my phone when I need a little quiet is ok. Telling someone what I need is totally new behavior, but it works pretty well =)
On boundaries and the reading: I am learning in recovery to say no to things that make me feel uncomfortable. I am not at a point right now where a weekly commitment to a particular meeting works well. I am also not comfortable enough with the steps to sponsor anyone. I used to make excuses and feel bad, now I just allow that these things arent for me.
Equally as important is adding in the nice things. Naps feel good. Turning off my phone when I need a little quiet is ok. Telling someone what I need is totally new behavior, but it works pretty well =)
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Kevin)) - I've mentioned some of my boundaries before - with dad, "I will no longer discuss this situation with you...we're both set in how we feel, we're not going to change each other's minds, and I'm tired of getting into arguments about it". With Brit - "you hit me, I call the cops"; "I will not sit here and take verbal abuse". At work - "I will go home when I'm scheduled to, sorry that you don't have anyone to take my place, but that is your problem, not mine", or a simple "no" when told I'm being placed on front counter.
Some are not so direct, but actually, being direct has gotten me much farther than hinting around.
So, did some stores today and, by my calculations, have worked off the advance my bosses gave me Still have more stores to do, and will try to get them done ASAP as I need that money for the car insurance at the end of the month.
Dad is taking a trip to NY (Queens), leaving Sunday. He offered me "a couple hundred dollars" if I would go with him. I am torn. I really want to go to church on Sunday (have missed several Sundays due to work/studying/teeth/etc.) and do stores Mon. and Tue.
I just don't feel that I'm up to getting next to no sleep for 2 days, dad has this problem where he has to go to the bathroom NOW and it causes a LOT of stress (that's what happened when I almost got out of the van and was going to walk and we were several states away). He says he'll go to the dr., never does. Sorry to be so personal, but it really is a big deal..driving down the interstate, he gets that urge and goes into panic mode, starts yelling, etc. if I'm driving.
I told him "no", but I feel a bit of guilt. I may have to ask him for a little help on the car insurance (since M has never checked into whether I have vacation or not, and my check will be in the bank on Sat.) but I feel like I'm doing what I need to do.
It's been a whirlwind past few weeks, I'm still tired a lot (need to actually TAKE the vitamins Tess sent me), not eating right, etc. and I just don't feel up to it. Doesn't mean, that if he gets another trip in 2 weeks, I won't be raring to go, but now? I just can't see it.
On a good note, I feel like I'm on a little pink cloud where Brit is concerned. I texted her, earlier, told her I'd gotten a Father's day card for dad for BOTH of us to sign, "luv ya" and she texted right back...thanked me and said "looooovvvveeeee you too!!" It will make dad's day to get a card from both of us...it tears him up when we aren't getting along.
I know she's still a teen, she still has issues that she won't deal with, but am taking things day by day. I now know that I don't have to grovel for her forgiveness (even when I've done nothing wrong), text and call her nonstop, etc. to get her back in my life. I just need to do what I feel is right (detach when she's in her anger stage), occasionally send a text of "I love you" and let go. She's going to the family reunion with my stepsister, other niece and nephew, tomorrow and that is really a big deal...family hasn't seen her in years. I think she's trying, in her own way, to deal with not knowing her mom. She's wanting to be around people who DID know her, asking questions, crying when it hurts, etc.and that's a big step for her.
I'm sure there are still going to be tough times, as she continues to grow up, but I'm grateful that I've grown enough, in my own recovery, that I can, hopefully, set a good example and be someone she knows she can count on.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Some are not so direct, but actually, being direct has gotten me much farther than hinting around.
So, did some stores today and, by my calculations, have worked off the advance my bosses gave me
Still have more stores to do, and will try to get them done ASAP as I need that money for the car insurance at the end of the month.Dad is taking a trip to NY (Queens), leaving Sunday. He offered me "a couple hundred dollars" if I would go with him. I am torn. I really want to go to church on Sunday (have missed several Sundays due to work/studying/teeth/etc.) and do stores Mon. and Tue.
I just don't feel that I'm up to getting next to no sleep for 2 days, dad has this problem where he has to go to the bathroom NOW and it causes a LOT of stress (that's what happened when I almost got out of the van and was going to walk and we were several states away). He says he'll go to the dr., never does. Sorry to be so personal, but it really is a big deal..driving down the interstate, he gets that urge and goes into panic mode, starts yelling, etc. if I'm driving.
I told him "no", but I feel a bit of guilt. I may have to ask him for a little help on the car insurance (since M has never checked into whether I have vacation or not, and my check will be in the bank on Sat.) but I feel like I'm doing what I need to do.
It's been a whirlwind past few weeks, I'm still tired a lot (need to actually TAKE the vitamins Tess sent me), not eating right, etc. and I just don't feel up to it. Doesn't mean, that if he gets another trip in 2 weeks, I won't be raring to go, but now? I just can't see it.
On a good note, I feel like I'm on a little pink cloud where Brit is concerned. I texted her, earlier, told her I'd gotten a Father's day card for dad for BOTH of us to sign, "luv ya" and she texted right back...thanked me and said "looooovvvveeeee you too!!" It will make dad's day to get a card from both of us...it tears him up when we aren't getting along.
I know she's still a teen, she still has issues that she won't deal with, but am taking things day by day. I now know that I don't have to grovel for her forgiveness (even when I've done nothing wrong), text and call her nonstop, etc. to get her back in my life. I just need to do what I feel is right (detach when she's in her anger stage), occasionally send a text of "I love you" and let go. She's going to the family reunion with my stepsister, other niece and nephew, tomorrow and that is really a big deal...family hasn't seen her in years. I think she's trying, in her own way, to deal with not knowing her mom. She's wanting to be around people who DID know her, asking questions, crying when it hurts, etc.and that's a big step for her.
I'm sure there are still going to be tough times, as she continues to grow up, but I'm grateful that I've grown enough, in my own recovery, that I can, hopefully, set a good example and be someone she knows she can count on.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
Friday, June 17, 2011
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Surrender
Master the lessons of your present circumstances.
We do not move forward by resisting what is undesirable in our life today. We move forward, we grow, we change by acceptance.
Avoidance is not the key; surrender opens the door.
Listen to this truth: We are each in our present circumstances for a reason. There is a lesson, a valuable lesson that must be learned before we can move forward.
Something important is being worked out in us, and in those around us. We may not be able to identify it today; but we can know that it is important. We can know it is good.
Overcome not by force, overcome by surrender. The battle is fought, and won, inside ourselves. We must go through it until we learn, until we accept, until we become grateful, until we are set free.
Today, I will be open to the lessons of my present circumstances. I do not have to label, know, or understand what I'm learning; I will see clearly in time. For today, trust and gratitude are sufficient.
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Surrender
Master the lessons of your present circumstances.
We do not move forward by resisting what is undesirable in our life today. We move forward, we grow, we change by acceptance.
Avoidance is not the key; surrender opens the door.
Listen to this truth: We are each in our present circumstances for a reason. There is a lesson, a valuable lesson that must be learned before we can move forward.
Something important is being worked out in us, and in those around us. We may not be able to identify it today; but we can know that it is important. We can know it is good.
Overcome not by force, overcome by surrender. The battle is fought, and won, inside ourselves. We must go through it until we learn, until we accept, until we become grateful, until we are set free.
Today, I will be open to the lessons of my present circumstances. I do not have to label, know, or understand what I'm learning; I will see clearly in time. For today, trust and gratitude are sufficient.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,691
Yesterday
i totally do this deprive myself because my father has told me so many time 'you love suffering'
We have deprived ourselves too long. There is no need to do that anymore, no need. If it feels good, and the consequences are self-loving and not self-defeating, do it!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Kevin))) - boundaries with Brit - I will not be talked to like a dog (I will walk away), I will tell her when she's said/done something to hurt my feelings or anger me, I will condone smoking weed anywhere around me, I will not say "oh, I'm so sorry" when she got ***-faced drunk, and someone stole her cell phone, camera, clothes, makeup bag, etc., if she asks a question, she's going to get the truth - like it or not. When she went back to stay with the crazy ex-friend and has, again, had several of her things held and not given back, I didn't say "sorry", I said "I hope this time is the last time you'll put yourself in that position". Sometimes I'm not strong enough to do what I think needs to be done...there are many times the cops should have been called, but the situations didn't really involve me, and I wasn't ready to have my entire family hate me, especially when I depend on them. Was it wrong? probably, but I removed myself from the situation or dragged Brit out of the house until she calmed down, as it was the best I could do at that time.
She sees what my boundaries are with dad and stepmom, too, and though most are simple "I will not talk about this" or "we've been through this before, I'm done" and walking off, etc. She's watched me deal with some harsh consequences from my using...hopefully that will eventually sink in that SHE will also get consequences for actions. She does with me, but that's about it.
I had decided I was going to take the trip to NY, even though really didn't want to, as I need the money, but just realized I have to be at the car finance place on Monday to pay my car payment and dad says we wouldn't be back until sometime late Tue.
Heading off to work. Hope everyone has a good day.
Love, hugs, and prayers,
Amy
She sees what my boundaries are with dad and stepmom, too, and though most are simple "I will not talk about this" or "we've been through this before, I'm done" and walking off, etc. She's watched me deal with some harsh consequences from my using...hopefully that will eventually sink in that SHE will also get consequences for actions. She does with me, but that's about it.
I had decided I was going to take the trip to NY, even though really didn't want to, as I need the money, but just realized I have to be at the car finance place on Monday to pay my car payment and dad says we wouldn't be back until sometime late Tue.
Heading off to work. Hope everyone has a good day.
Love, hugs, and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by kevinlednylon 
I would welcome any advice anyone has on setting personal boundaries. I did a small wee look on google and got ALOT OF PAGE results but i would rather read someone i trust. I read your link chino. I think its something in codependent no more later on but im not yet there.
We all identify with some of them, whatever the categories. If you have a collapsed boundary, find a corresponding healthy boundary and replace "you" with "I".
For instance:
• You have a high tolerance for abuse or being treated with disrespect.
• I don’t tolerate abuse or disrespect.
I made the second statement a goal. I started saying the actual words to whomever, then enforced the consequence of getting away. It's my boundary for me, so the consequence is for me, too. I had to make myself walk away, end the phone call, etc. It means not engaging with the other person because that only leads to more abuse heaped on myself. If I engage, I'm inviting it.
I had to fake it 'til I made it. It took a while before I accepted how much safer/saner it is for me to walk away from abusive, toxic people, than to be one of them, too.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,691
I feel selfish for asking but i would do the same for you folks so here goes.
Fresh off the back of my readings on boundaries i decided that instead of the simmering resentment i would tell my sister how i felt so i sent the following text "I feel like you are not interested S how you often dont reply to my text messages, thats fine and your choice but i do try to built a relationship by texting sometimes"
I have found help here before so i do hope someone will be kind enough to let me know what they think. I felt the need to seek help since after sending the text im kind of all thinking of it and how she may/may not ?
Fresh off the back of my readings on boundaries i decided that instead of the simmering resentment i would tell my sister how i felt so i sent the following text "I feel like you are not interested S how you often dont reply to my text messages, thats fine and your choice but i do try to built a relationship by texting sometimes"
I have found help here before so i do hope someone will be kind enough to let me know what they think. I felt the need to seek help since after sending the text im kind of all thinking of it and how she may/may not ?
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
Saturday, June 18, 2011
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Being Vulnerable
Part of recovery means learning to share ourselves with other people. We learn to admit our mistakes and expose our imperfections - not so that others can fix us, rescue us, or feel sorry for us, but so we can love and accept ourselves. This sharing is a catalyst in healing and changing.
Many of us are fearful of sharing our imperfections because that makes us vulnerable. Some of us have tried being vulnerable in the past, and people tried to control, manipulate, or exploit us, or they made us feel ashamed.
Some of us in recovery have hurt ourselves by being vulnerable. We may have shared things with people who didn't respect our confidence. Or we may have told the wrong people at an inappropriate time, and scared them away.
We learn from our mistakes - and despite our mistakes, it is still a good thing to allow ourselves to be vulnerable and honest. We can learn to choose safe people with whom to share ourselves. We can learn to share appropriately, so we don't scare or push people away. We can also learn to let others be vulnerable with us.
Today, God, help me learn to be appropriately vulnerable. I will not let others exploit or shame me for being vulnerable, and I will not exploit myself.
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Being Vulnerable
Part of recovery means learning to share ourselves with other people. We learn to admit our mistakes and expose our imperfections - not so that others can fix us, rescue us, or feel sorry for us, but so we can love and accept ourselves. This sharing is a catalyst in healing and changing.
Many of us are fearful of sharing our imperfections because that makes us vulnerable. Some of us have tried being vulnerable in the past, and people tried to control, manipulate, or exploit us, or they made us feel ashamed.
Some of us in recovery have hurt ourselves by being vulnerable. We may have shared things with people who didn't respect our confidence. Or we may have told the wrong people at an inappropriate time, and scared them away.
We learn from our mistakes - and despite our mistakes, it is still a good thing to allow ourselves to be vulnerable and honest. We can learn to choose safe people with whom to share ourselves. We can learn to share appropriately, so we don't scare or push people away. We can also learn to let others be vulnerable with us.
Today, God, help me learn to be appropriately vulnerable. I will not let others exploit or shame me for being vulnerable, and I will not exploit myself.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Lisa))) - love this reading, especially the part about sharing our imperfections for fear of being vulnerable, but the rest of the reading I relate to, too.
I spent decades being gullible, naive, totally ignorant in not realizing that not everyone has my best interests at heart. In some ways, I feel like because of this, I've built some pretty tall walls around my heart, which I am slowly learning to break down.
I'm trying to accept that being vulnerable isn't always a bad thing. If I were to keep those walls up, who knows of all the opportunities I may miss? The friendships that could develop?
I think I've made progress, but reading this tonight, I think I still have some work to do.
I am going to NY with dad. He would have to drive, straight through, with no break (about 16 hours) and when I told him I would go, the gratitude and relief in his voice, just gave me an undescribably good feeling. I talked to the car finance company, they will let me pay the car payment by phone, on Monday. Dad has already given me $200, will give me another $100 later, and I get paid tomorrow, so car payment is taken care of, and well onto also having insurance paid for.
I've always been one who loves to get in a vehicle and just GO! Other than my trip to MN, and the trips with dad, I haven't been able to do that, so this will satisfy some of that wanderlust I have, and I'm actually excited. We will leave early Sunday morning, be back sometime on Monday.
I called Dan and Kay, spoke with Dan, told him why I won't be at church, and that I have a Father's day card for him, but he'll get it late. He answered the phone "HEY, smilie face!!!". I told him about my grades, his voice cracked and he said "we are so very, very proud of you"..sheez, we were BOTH almost in tears.
Brit is at the family reunion and how now decided she will try to get her job back that is 3 miles from the house (at the sub shop)..she really IS a different kid than the one I saw back in Jan.
Dad asked her, "I know you think of T (my stepsister) as your aunt...what do you think of Amy?" She answered "Amy is my big sister, WAAYYYYY different and better". It's taken us SIX months to get back to this point, but I am so grateful.
I don't know...it's like God is dropping all kinds of blessings and reasons to be grateful into my lap. I know there are still going to be hard times, but I've also learned that as long as I keep doing what is right, keep putting one foot in front of the other, keep letting others do "them" while I do "me", thinks work out so much better than when I try to control things.
Work was slow, near the end of my shift, then got really busy as about 50 kids who had been playing baseball came in. My replacement said "have you SEEN the dining room". Told her "nope, heard there were a lot of kids out there, but I've worked my shift, this is yours", counted down my drawer and left. Someone said "you're LEAVING?!?!" Said "yeah, I am..have a good night".
I mentioned the fact that it was my family/friends/other bosses who came through for me with the dental stuff. I couldn't even get an answer on whether I had vacation time, despite asking for several weeks. McD's doesn't do anything for you unless they can get something out of it (like extra shifts). I think my mind is gearing toward looking for another job, but want to get my speech more back to normal (though it has improved, a LOT). When I had the other job, I held onto it because they were always there for me (and they were..my boss held onto my tip money and a couple paychecks until I got out of the diversion center) and then they weren't.
I don't owe McD's anything but to do the best job I can while I'm there. Whether I'll FIND a better job (and better paying), I have no idea, but at least I'm leaning toward that direction. It involves stepping out of that comfort zone, but I'm willing.
Wow, I just can't believe how much a difference recovery has made in my life. Just doing little things, taking baby steps, doing "the next right thing" and having faith have totally changed my life, my outlook on life, and I believe it's only going to get better.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I spent decades being gullible, naive, totally ignorant in not realizing that not everyone has my best interests at heart. In some ways, I feel like because of this, I've built some pretty tall walls around my heart, which I am slowly learning to break down.
I'm trying to accept that being vulnerable isn't always a bad thing. If I were to keep those walls up, who knows of all the opportunities I may miss? The friendships that could develop?
I think I've made progress, but reading this tonight, I think I still have some work to do.
I am going to NY with dad. He would have to drive, straight through, with no break (about 16 hours) and when I told him I would go, the gratitude and relief in his voice, just gave me an undescribably good feeling. I talked to the car finance company, they will let me pay the car payment by phone, on Monday. Dad has already given me $200, will give me another $100 later, and I get paid tomorrow, so car payment is taken care of, and well onto also having insurance paid for.
I've always been one who loves to get in a vehicle and just GO! Other than my trip to MN, and the trips with dad, I haven't been able to do that, so this will satisfy some of that wanderlust I have, and I'm actually excited. We will leave early Sunday morning, be back sometime on Monday.
I called Dan and Kay, spoke with Dan, told him why I won't be at church, and that I have a Father's day card for him, but he'll get it late. He answered the phone "HEY, smilie face!!!". I told him about my grades, his voice cracked and he said "we are so very, very proud of you"..sheez, we were BOTH almost in tears.
Brit is at the family reunion and how now decided she will try to get her job back that is 3 miles from the house (at the sub shop)..she really IS a different kid than the one I saw back in Jan.
Dad asked her, "I know you think of T (my stepsister) as your aunt...what do you think of Amy?" She answered "Amy is my big sister, WAAYYYYY different and better". It's taken us SIX months to get back to this point, but I am so grateful.
I don't know...it's like God is dropping all kinds of blessings and reasons to be grateful into my lap. I know there are still going to be hard times, but I've also learned that as long as I keep doing what is right, keep putting one foot in front of the other, keep letting others do "them" while I do "me", thinks work out so much better than when I try to control things.
Work was slow, near the end of my shift, then got really busy as about 50 kids who had been playing baseball came in. My replacement said "have you SEEN the dining room". Told her "nope, heard there were a lot of kids out there, but I've worked my shift, this is yours", counted down my drawer and left. Someone said "you're LEAVING?!?!" Said "yeah, I am..have a good night".
I mentioned the fact that it was my family/friends/other bosses who came through for me with the dental stuff. I couldn't even get an answer on whether I had vacation time, despite asking for several weeks. McD's doesn't do anything for you unless they can get something out of it (like extra shifts). I think my mind is gearing toward looking for another job, but want to get my speech more back to normal (though it has improved, a LOT). When I had the other job, I held onto it because they were always there for me (and they were..my boss held onto my tip money and a couple paychecks until I got out of the diversion center) and then they weren't.
I don't owe McD's anything but to do the best job I can while I'm there. Whether I'll FIND a better job (and better paying), I have no idea, but at least I'm leaning toward that direction. It involves stepping out of that comfort zone, but I'm willing.
Wow, I just can't believe how much a difference recovery has made in my life. Just doing little things, taking baby steps, doing "the next right thing" and having faith have totally changed my life, my outlook on life, and I believe it's only going to get better.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,691
Many of us are fearful of sharing our imperfections because that makes us vulnerable. Some of us have tried being vulnerable in the past,
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
