Chino

Hmmm... laying the groundwork. Stepmom and I talked about this the other day. Her life, my sisters, and mine are going to change considerably in the near future because of inheritance from my dad's estate. It's not a one time thing, it will be ongoing for several years, and just one year ago I was very concerned that neither of them were prepared for what's coming.

During probate, my stepmom almost died a couple of times before finding sobriety and recovery. She's better now than the woman I first met 30 years ago. My sister and her kids ended up abandoned in a foreign country by her alcoholic soon to be ex. Since then, she's started to resemble the sister I used to know about 30 years ago. Working two jobs and doing what it takes to live. It takes what it takes, and I did what I could to help them all, while dealing with my own issues.

They both had hard lessons to learn and seem ready now for the coming changes. But what about me? I've learned to stop trying to save and control everyone, instead save and control myself. I've learned tough love applies to me, no one else. Give and do what I can in good conscience, and leave others to their own conscience. Assist, not enable.

Funny how everything we've learned, everything that has prepared us, is due to addiction. It's the common denominator and what a coincidence.

Live

This is so off topic it is laughable..but I am so PROUD!

We made homemade pierogies tonight! I must have been feeling really spunky to attempt that...and I got the filling perfect, the dough needs to be rolled thinner.

But when I am feeling like cooking...it means I am feeling good.

I read today's reading and looked around the house which is very much a work in progress and made the decision to see it in those terms rather than in contrast to how I would like it all to be and how it falls short.

Homemade dinners also "give me back" a very basic sense of what I feel like I have lost in the family split up through divorce and other breakups since. Delicious and economical are the main thinigs..but emotionally grounding and satisfying as well.

Impurrfect

(((Rita))) - I'm GLAD you reminded me that dad just worries. Except when I was using, we've always been the kind of family that kept in touch. When mom was alive, we talked a lot, but then I got all wrapped up in my first codie relationship. Still, I never went on a trip or something like that without letting them know.

Since I moved back home, I first went back to almost like I was a kid...it was never SPOKEN, but I knew to check in often, let them know if I was going to be late or had a change of plans. With him traveling, so often, and my odd hours, sometimes we just get to a point where one of is worried, and I thank you for reminding me of that. BTW, dad just went to Hammond, LA, a day or so ago? When stepmom told me he was going to LA, I thought "dammit, that's GOT to be near ((Rita))!!" Okay, so maybe not, but it's in the same state...geography isn't my strong suit

(((Live))) - glad to hear you are cooking, because I KNOW that means you are feeling better!! Soon, I'll make the clam chowder we all love, minus the clams (stepmom doesn't like them) but it's still a really good, hearty cheesy-potato soup and is great when it gets cold.

(((Chino))) - though I don't wish addiction on even my worst enemies, I still give it credit for bringing me to where I am, the wonderful friends I've made here, and the ability to be grateful, even when I feel like I'm drowning. Of course, it's not really the addiction, but the recovery, but I wouldn't have sought recovery if I hadn't sunk so low.

I got a continuing education catalog from the college I got my 1st assoc. degree. They have a course that would prepare me for the basic coding certification, and it says they offer the Sallie Mae loan, so I am going to check it out. I still need to continue with the school I'm already doing (HAVE to have another assoc. degree), but this may make me more employable, faster. I just don't know if I have it in me, to go to 2 schools and continue working at least 2 jobs.

I can't seem to get enough sleep, right now, but it may be the holiday after-effects. I'm trying to tell myself it's okay to go slow...this is part of the plan. I just want to get my car paid off (about 10 more payments) so I won't have the $600+/month in car payment and full-coverage insurance. I would qualify for all KINDS of loans and other grants if I were a single parent, but darnit, they won't let me claim Elvis as a kid

It will work out. It always does As today's reading says, I'm just in the phase of laying the groundwork.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Impurrfect

Happy New Year, (((Everyone))!!

I just got home from working almost 13 hours, have to be back in 10-1/2, but it was actually a good night. The karma police got hold of the problem mgr, in the form of my store mgr, and though I don't know what was said, she was as nice as she could be.

We got slammed, the 5 of us working, jumped into full-steam-ahead mode and did good. Store mgr thanked us, complimented us, told us how awesome we were (and he'd been working right along with us). It's a nice feeling. It's amazing how nice it is just to be appreciated.

I can't find Elvis...can't holler for him in the house as dad and stepmom are asleep, but he didn't come up when I got home and hasn't come when I yelled for him outside. Will try again...sure hope he shows up.

I stopped by the store on the way home, and my buddy there said the cops had been in and already had pulled over 38 dui's...so glad I didn't have to worry about that. I take back roads, home, and all I saw were a couple of gorgeous deer on the side of the road.

Hope everyone has a good day, and that 2011 is good to us all

Love, hugs, and prayers,

Amy

Chino

Saturday, January 1, 2011
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

The New Year

Make New Year's goals. Dig within, and discover what you would like to have happen in your life this year. This helps you do your part. It is an affirmation that you're interested in fully living life in the year to come.

Goals give us direction. They put a powerful force into play on a universal, conscious, and subconscious level.

Goals give our life direction.

What would you like to have happen in your life this year? What would you like to do, to accomplish? What good would you like to attract into your life? What particular areas of growth would you like to have happen to you? What blocks, or character defects, would you like to have removed?

What would you like to attain? Little things and big things? Where would you like to go? What would you like to have happen in friendship and love? What would you like to have happen in your family life?

Remember, we aren't controlling others with our goals - we are trying to give direction to our life.

What problems would you like to see solved? What decisions would you like to make? What would you like to happen in your career?

What would you like to see happen inside and around you?

Write it down. Take a piece of paper, a few hours of your time, and write it all down - as an affirmation of you, your life, and your ability to choose. Then let it go.

Certainly, things happen that are out of our control. Sometimes, these events are pleasant surprises; sometimes, they are of another nature. But they are all part of the chapter that will be this year in our life and will lead us forward in the story.

The New Year stands before us, like a chapter in a book, waiting to be written. We can help write that story by setting goals.

Today, I will remember that there is a powerful force motivated by writing down goals. I will do that now, for the year to come, and regularly as needed. I will do it not to control but to do my part in living my life.

Chino

My goal is to complete the transition out of emotional survival mode. Almost all my life has been lived that way and I've only recently figured that out. No more denial! Emotional survival mode has influenced ALL of my decisions and choices, but not any longer. I discovered a new way of thinking and acting, and it depends on no one but me

Chino

Amy, did Elvis find you?

Live

I, too, want to move beyond coping and into fully living and enjoying my life each day, Chino. I think I have the basics in place for me to be able to do that. So, I am feeling very optimistic in my celebration of the New Year!

We made cookies last night and stayed up too late. Later I chided myself for forgetting to adhere to my bedtime. LOL

I have a burst of energy and enthusiam for getting the house more in order today and so..that is what I am doing, just finding that fine line between overdoing it and being lazy. LOL

Impurrfect

(((Chino))) - yes, on my 4th venture out into the yard, yelling for Elvis, he came walking around the house, looking at me like "what?" I scolded him for worrying me, and for being out after 4 in the morning. Tonight I got home, and he was on the corner of my bed.

I think I'm stuck with the "just coping"...sigh. I have plans, I have goals, but tonight at work, my drawer was once again $20 short, and another mgr (the problem one) had been in my drawer. She's been really nice, is getting a taste of her own medicine from my store mgr, but still. I took a $50, gave the guy $30 and used the other $20 for his $16 bill (but had to think about it, on the way home). I was tired, I thought I might have made a mistake, but I didn't. Mgr said she is a mgr, has every right to be in my drawer and "I know how to count".

I counted on the $40 I had stashed in my wallet to pay my car payment (paycheck doesn't cover it). Now, after giving McD's $20 (essentially worked 3 hours for free), I'll have about $5 to get me through the next week.

Yes, I will talk to the store mgr about this. This makes $65 I've had to pay back for short drawers, and only $10 was, I know, my fault as no one else was in my drawer.

I'm grateful I have a full tank of gas in my car, I'm grateful there's food at the house so I don't have to worry about that. I just feel like I can't get ahead. I don't even want to work in a position where I HAVE a cash drawer any more, but that's probably not gonna happen. Dad said if I refused to have a cash drawer that anyone else has access to, and they fired me, I'd have grounds for a lawsuit. I really don't want to be "that employee who sues everyone". I just want to do my job, the best I can, and get paid for it.

I did get to come home early, as it was slow. I can, hopefully, get a decent night's sleep, and have church to look forward to in the morning.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Pax

Some thoughts on emotional survival.

Do not get attached to the idea that the world has to be the way you think it should be. It is what it is. If you get too attached to your own picture of the world, you're going to be frustrated, angry, disappointed, sad, and at the least--seriously confused.

Some of us on these forums cannot even trust our own physical minds to be the way we think they ought to be, to fit our picture of the world. I'm one of them. Accept your mind and body, as with the rest of the world, for being as it is.

Now, having accepted the world as it is, what can you do?

None of us, I believe, can ever be sure of our results--we can attempt something, but we do not control the outcome. We only control what we attempt.

Here's an example of a thing that I've attempted and, though it's a constant path, have succeeded well at, though I want to take it to another level.

I, like my father before me, have quite a snap temper. I'm not a violent man, but I often, have an impulse to shout, slap the table, and expect others to say, "Yes, Sir!"

This worked fine for my father, because my dear mother knew he'd get over it and simply ignored it. The first time I tried it on my wife, I ended up laughing for five minutes--she was not my mother.

So what happens is 1) I try to catch myself before I act in an angry way. When that doesn't work. 2) I hear that little voice in the back of my head that says, "You're acting like a jerk." I then hang an immediate U-turn, regardless of whether I was "right" or not, apologize for acting that way, then offer to either work things out well now, or set an appointment to work things out later if that would serve the other person.

This is just an example. I believe we all are constantly giving ourselves good advice and promptly ignoring it. So decide not to ignore it. Whenever you have a good impulse, act upon it in some way however small. If you are feeling sad, and get a little message from your wiser self, listen. Things will gradually improve. I've been working on that anger thing for over 25 years now. I'm getting pretty good at it. I got a whole lot better at it very quickly That spark of deciding, actively, to change your life for the better and identifying--and seeking--ways to do that is all-important.

So how do you survive? I'm going to simply tell you, isn't that good of me? lol

Don't expect the world, or even yourself, to be the way you think it and you ought to be. Accept that you can can attempt things, both with yourself and with the world, but that you cannot control the outcome--that's simply part of the way of things. When you are seeking things that will help give you peace, to get you beyond "coping" listen to that wiser self that most of us have grown so very good at ignoring--and act, in some way, upon that immediately, even if it's only writing it down.

Ultimately, "coping" is surviving, barely, in a world we think is not as it "should" be. Well, the world, and even our physical bodies, are simply as they are and thinking, being angry, sad, etc. is not going to make it otherwise. What you can do, is seek peace. Seek to actively accept the world and your own self to be what it is, and to listen to and allow that goodness within guide you into new ways of behaving that, however long the path, make you feel inside, "Yeah, I got that right." The poet Yeats, said something along the line that happiness is growth. I don't entirely agree with him, but knowing that you're on your own path to positive growth and acceptance of things the way they are (You really have no choice--you can try to make them better, you can make yourself miserable and confused trying to wish it otherwise, but it's the place we all have to continually start.) accepting and being aware of your own growth, however small, are the things I think finally get us past merely coping or emotional survival and onto peace and happiness.

My heart and good thoughts are with you all. My own fight right now is miserable, and relationships, especially when one feels so damaged one's self, can be so hard. But keep on the path. Have hope. Take some action, however small--but consistently. Do not give in to the worst in yourself, listen instead for the best. It's there.

Impurrfect

(((Pax))) - welcome to the codie thread!! I like what you posted..gives me some things to think about.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Live

Sunday, January 2, 2011 You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Healthy Limits

Boundaries are vital to recovery. Having and setting healthy limits' is connected to all phases of recovery: growing in self esteem, dealing with feelings, and learning to really love and value ourselves.

Boundaries emerge from deep within. They are connected to letting go of guilt and shame, and to changing our beliefs about what we deserve. As our thinking about this becomes dearer, so will our boundaries.

Boundaries are also connected to a Higher Timing than our own. We'll set a limit when we're ready, and not a moment before. So will others.

There's something magical about reaching that point of becoming ready to set a limit. We know we mean what we say; others take us seriously too. Things change, not because we're controlling others, but because we've changed.

Today, I will trust that I will learn, grow, and set the limits I need in my life at my own pace. This timing need only be right for me.

Live

Amy, I do hope you will talk to the store manager about the cash drawers, what has happened and the impact it has on you. This is just wrong.

I have seen truth of today's reading in my own life. When I feel good and my boundaries come naturally from within then I don't often have to even state them or act to reinforce them with others..they just happen more naturally.
If I conduct myself with respect and confidence I won't have to re-state the same things over and over again. No nagging..or at least a whole lot less! LOL

I made the best pork chops that have ever come out of my kitchen last night! YUM! The trick was that I dredged them in flour and browned them first then took them out and put them in a skillet with bottled barbq that I jazzed up with brown sugar and dried red peppers and then simmered until it was glazed. wow. I will be doing this one again.

Have to share a blonde moment! I put an old favorite candleholder that it sort of ornate-ish in the dishwasher thinking it would really get to all the cracks and crevices. Guess what? I got up this morning and the dishes have a fine layer of wax. I can't believe I did that except those kinds of things are so typical of me! LOL

at least there weren't too many dishes in there that I now will have to rub, scrub and polish! I didn't save myself any work with that shortcut, did I? LMAO

My neighbor stopped by with goodies and treats and it was nice to have a short visit with her!

Chino

For me, coping and surviving are two separate things. I know how to survive but until recently, had very few coping skills. They were never taught to me, nor my parents, or those that came before them. My entire lineage has about 20K years of survival skills hardwired in our DNA (I'm Native American Indian), and life was always literally hell or high water.

Because we're so adaptable, almost all of my family would be considered fully and successfully integrated into 'society'. On the surface it appears that way, but it was done for survival. Unfortunately the missionaries and the feds neglected to teach coping skills, when they were beating the Indian out of my grandparents.

Add in over 30 years of my own PTSD, and it's been a rough journey, but it's lead to learning coping skills in therapy, and moving past survival mode. The Steps and this forum have contributed greatly, too

I've learned a lifetime of lessons in three short years, and the wonder of it all has blown me away sometimes. It's been something of a magical journey, even during the worst moments, and maybe because of them. I accept the world as it is, I just never learned how to cope with all the pain until now.

This is from my daily reading:

My ancestors never had to learn how to control their thoughts, their entire culture took care of that. They simply survived and lived life, until life as they knew it changed. I'm grateful to them for my survival skills, and I've done my best to pass them onto my children. I'm also doing my best to pass on all that I have learned about healthy coping

Gypsy Feet

Amy I agree with Live honey. It makes me wonder if other people are coming up short on her nights. If everyone were to report it, she would get found out. Just seems like an easy way for her to make $20. . .

Love the blond moment =)

Welcome aboard pax, and hello to all of you

I am going to need to be even more mindful of the week that includes Christmas eve, my soberthday and New Year's eve in the future. I went to moms and then to dads, hung out at my sisters, had the baby and my middle step-son up for new years to give me a cake, took 3 cakes totally, fell in and out of crush with 3 different guys, am not speaking to one room mate, spent new years eve dancing at our sober club with FOUR guys I have dated (including the trainwreck and his gal), got weird about no midnight kiss and now. . .

I am exhausted hahahahah!! I think lots of really important stuff is learned in crazy weeks like this. I may have even set a boundary or two =)

Today I will go out to a beautiful spot on the beach with my sponsor and do some step work. We will start with 3. When I went through my steps the first time, I never understood my 4-7, and I would like to revisit my sexual relations and my resentments towards my self

hopefully I will be able to make time to walk a dog or two at the shelter as well

wishing all of us growth along our spiritual journeys this year

Gypsy Feet

wow chino, thank you for that reading. Are those meditations available online do you know?

Chino

That's another thing unfamiliar to my family. There were no boundaries in our culture, there was no need. Everyone had the same goals: food, shelter, survival. But I'm learning and my life is better for it

Chino

Here you go Lisa -- Native American, culture, healing, programs, Indian, spiritual, health, ceremony, care

It's endorsed by Hazelden

Gypsy Feet

Thanks =)

So I have come to the realization (probably not for the first time), that I do not believe that I am enough. When I am taking care of people, i am enough. When a man adores me, I am enough, but not today.

Today I feel like a less than stellar friend, parent, daughter and sister. I feel neither worthy of great love, nor capable of working and doing a good job.

I know in my head none of this is true, I dont know how it has traveled into my heart.

I am working on my slef talk, in hopes that if I tell myself i am enough, and I love myself, it will someday become one of my truths

Impurrfect

(((Chino))) - I really like that reading, but then I've been in awe of the Native American culture forever It actually says about the same thing I read in a CBT book...that you can be aware of the self-talk, stop it and think about whether it's fact, or something else.

(((Live))) - I can't remember who it was, but someone I know cooked something with the saran wrap still on it. Everyone commented on how "shiny" the food was, but it wasn't until they bit into it they realized something was not right

(((Lisa))) - I'm glad you're going to the beach. I get the feeling of "not enough" but am trying to work past it.

No, this mgr has not had any other drawers short, though the other one has. The thing is, when she was so rude/nasty to me, and I stood my ground, I made the comment that I needed to be careful..she has access to my drawer and could make money disappear....and look what happens.

Church was good, as usual, though mom-Kay and her husband are still sick and weren't there. I actually heard what I needed from the children's sermon (which I love, as the kids are so talkative). The pastor held up a piece of dark construction paper..kids disagreed on whether it was dark brown, dark blue or black, and that was funny.

Anyway, he said "what do you see" and they said "dark". He held it up and said "but can you see past it to see me? The altar? The cross? The Christmas trees?" and they all agreed they could.

He said..."when things are really tough, when we're having a bad time, sometimes all we can see is the dark..whatever's bad. The thing about it is, though, that we can look past it. We can look for the GOOD stuff, like God's love that is always with us, like the families and friends that love us. We can trust that there is good stuff, no matter how bad things are ".

Yeah....sorta like one of those neon signs I always ask for when I'm struggling. I also now have the twins, whom I absolutely adore, seeking me out for their hugs I truly feel like I've finally come home, being back in the church that was so much a part of mine and my mom's life. I am very grateful to my cousin who told me that to pay him back for the two tires and rim he put on my car, was 36 church bulletins by next Christmas. I do believe, I will have that paid early

Hugs and prayers,

Amy