Today's Journey
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Charleston S.C.
Posts: 1,461
Welcome Tink, I'm very happy to meet you. And Amy, looking at the date shows you made it through another difficult day. The differnce now is I now read you mention difficult moments rather than entire days. One event used to rule my actions and thoughts for the day. Midnight,I'd still be mad at the bus driver at 6am for being rude.
He probably went about his day just fine. Who do I think I punish with those actions?
He probably went about his day just fine. Who do I think I punish with those actions?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: houston
Posts: 788
Don,
Today wasnt a difficult day because I didnt let it become one...
I chose to stay with the smile that began last night. I chose to hold on to it for dear life...
Today was a day of healing...
Today was a day of only momentarily disecting those thoughts...
Out of the darkness comes light...right?
Today wasnt a difficult day because I didnt let it become one...
I chose to stay with the smile that began last night. I chose to hold on to it for dear life...
Today was a day of healing...
Today was a day of only momentarily disecting those thoughts...
Out of the darkness comes light...right?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Kingston, NY
Posts: 390
Hi Amy - I'm Anne, alcoholic.
I read this thread the other day and then clicked away from it because this topic is very difficult for me to talk about. You got me thinking, though, and here I am. I was molested when I was 12 and 13 years old by a family member, then I was raped at 19 by some men at a party. I started talking about these experiences for the first time about 2 1/2 years ago - hadn't ever said the words out loud before that, and it had been over a decade since the rape; obviously longer since the molestation. I did group therapy with several women who had suffered similarly - many of them had far worse things happen to them than I had. That experience helped me to break the silence, and took a little of the power away from what had happened to me. Unfortunately, I had to move away in the midst of that therapy (2 years ago)... and consequently plunged into a deep depression that I only now feel that I am climbing out of. Your post caused me to face again the things that I hadn't finished dealing with and I finally started to address the subject last night with my current therapist. I want to thank you for that. I can thoroughly empathize with how you are feeling. My alcoholism has been my shield from dealing with the hurt and the rage... and it has blocked my ability to truly heal. Now that I'm not drinking, I sometimes feel as though I'm walking on a tightrope without a net, and there is a field of razorblades beneath me. It's very difficult.
My therapist told me last night that I have the power of choice now, one that I didn't have as a child, or even perhaps as that 19 year old - I can choose to turn away from this hurt inside of me. I can choose a different path, a healthier one, with practice and with consistent, vigilant work. I know this to be true; I started to climb up out of the fog 2 1/2 years ago. Right now, though... it's so hard. It's as though I have been curled around this pain for so long that I don't know how to let it go. It's difficult to explain. I certainly don't *want* to feel this way... and I have learned that one needs to go through the feelings that have been shoved down inside for so long - and I know that that is true... but it seems impossible some days.
I want to heal. I want to have more good days than bad. I want to live and feel freedom and clarity and peace. I know that it will take time, though, and hard work. I think I'm ready to do it. I didn't mean to take away from the power of what *you* have said here... I guess I just wanted you to know that I understand... and to let you know that your words have touched me, and have helped me to move to the next step in my own journey. Thank you for that.
I look forward to seeing you heal, too.
take care of *you*,
anne
I read this thread the other day and then clicked away from it because this topic is very difficult for me to talk about. You got me thinking, though, and here I am. I was molested when I was 12 and 13 years old by a family member, then I was raped at 19 by some men at a party. I started talking about these experiences for the first time about 2 1/2 years ago - hadn't ever said the words out loud before that, and it had been over a decade since the rape; obviously longer since the molestation. I did group therapy with several women who had suffered similarly - many of them had far worse things happen to them than I had. That experience helped me to break the silence, and took a little of the power away from what had happened to me. Unfortunately, I had to move away in the midst of that therapy (2 years ago)... and consequently plunged into a deep depression that I only now feel that I am climbing out of. Your post caused me to face again the things that I hadn't finished dealing with and I finally started to address the subject last night with my current therapist. I want to thank you for that. I can thoroughly empathize with how you are feeling. My alcoholism has been my shield from dealing with the hurt and the rage... and it has blocked my ability to truly heal. Now that I'm not drinking, I sometimes feel as though I'm walking on a tightrope without a net, and there is a field of razorblades beneath me. It's very difficult.
My therapist told me last night that I have the power of choice now, one that I didn't have as a child, or even perhaps as that 19 year old - I can choose to turn away from this hurt inside of me. I can choose a different path, a healthier one, with practice and with consistent, vigilant work. I know this to be true; I started to climb up out of the fog 2 1/2 years ago. Right now, though... it's so hard. It's as though I have been curled around this pain for so long that I don't know how to let it go. It's difficult to explain. I certainly don't *want* to feel this way... and I have learned that one needs to go through the feelings that have been shoved down inside for so long - and I know that that is true... but it seems impossible some days.
I want to heal. I want to have more good days than bad. I want to live and feel freedom and clarity and peace. I know that it will take time, though, and hard work. I think I'm ready to do it. I didn't mean to take away from the power of what *you* have said here... I guess I just wanted you to know that I understand... and to let you know that your words have touched me, and have helped me to move to the next step in my own journey. Thank you for that.
I look forward to seeing you heal, too.
take care of *you*,
anne
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: houston
Posts: 788
(((((Anne)))))
First of all, welcome to this thread-
Second, I am so sorry you had such horrible things happen to you. I understand your words just as if they were my own.
This thread was not started just so I could vent my problems and issues...I want all who need it to join...your words are healing words to me and they are welcome, along with anyone else who needs to add to them.
This has always been a difficult subject for me to feel... I, unlike you, could talk about it to no end; I just chose to close off any feeling- until now. So hearing your story is a step forward for me, and I hope for you as well.
Thank you for letting me (and everyone else) in...
It is early, I have had very little sleep...
I will discuss more later.
much love your way
First of all, welcome to this thread-
Second, I am so sorry you had such horrible things happen to you. I understand your words just as if they were my own.
This thread was not started just so I could vent my problems and issues...I want all who need it to join...your words are healing words to me and they are welcome, along with anyone else who needs to add to them.
This has always been a difficult subject for me to feel... I, unlike you, could talk about it to no end; I just chose to close off any feeling- until now. So hearing your story is a step forward for me, and I hope for you as well.
Thank you for letting me (and everyone else) in...
It is early, I have had very little sleep...
I will discuss more later.
much love your way
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Charleston S.C.
Posts: 1,461
Welcome to SR, I'm glad you're finding the strength to face this. I agree with your counselor, except the word "Power" being key. I used to look back with a mind of an adult and ponder things I should have done different. I believe that the longer we remain a victim the longer these people or events hold the power. I was sexually abused when young myself by family members. They and the events dictated my life and behavior for years. I and you were a child when these things happened. Even at 19, because of the past you were unable to stop things. Today, we need to revist to sort things out and change perspectives. Only, this time you can hold the controls. You can take your time and feel the feeling and feel the anger and pain. Only this time only in order to recover. You must attempt to try and view yourself as a survivor of abuse and rape. Shame, embarrassement, guilt all keep us a victim. I even got to the point I considered myself a willing participant because I remained silent. I only discovered a short time ago that my silence was brought on by death threats. I can only say that the key is to not give up. We are here all times of day and night. Sometimes you need to vent. You have taken control of your life and I'm proud of you.
Keep reminding yourself that you are a nice person that had terrible things done to. You did nothing wrong. You might be beyond that point so, only use what applies. Anyway, I'm so happy that you are here. I need people like you to help me open up.
Keep reminding yourself that you are a nice person that had terrible things done to. You did nothing wrong. You might be beyond that point so, only use what applies. Anyway, I'm so happy that you are here. I need people like you to help me open up.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: houston
Posts: 788
In the middle of the night I had a FB....and since then I have been FB free...YAY!!! I have concentrated on other things, keeping my mind and body busy enough that the dark clouds just cant catch me...not today anyway.
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
quercu and amy: how did you make those little pics with your name in your signatures?
Quercusalba....what does your name mean...it's Spanish right? Is it the words Querer (to want) and Salbar (to ?) put together in some fashion?
Quercusalba....what does your name mean...it's Spanish right? Is it the words Querer (to want) and Salbar (to ?) put together in some fashion?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: houston
Posts: 788
I am doing surprisingly well...
I have had a great few days...today was a tad stressful, but only because I have 2 extra boys here...(my sons half brothers are here)...so a house full of 4 stinky boys...whew!
I have smiled so much and been feeling so overwhelmed with love and life.... and not in the bad way.
thanks for asking...
and by adorable I meant "adorably evil" hehe
I have had a great few days...today was a tad stressful, but only because I have 2 extra boys here...(my sons half brothers are here)...so a house full of 4 stinky boys...whew!
I have smiled so much and been feeling so overwhelmed with love and life.... and not in the bad way.
thanks for asking...
and by adorable I meant "adorably evil" hehe
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: houston
Posts: 788
panic attacks
I had one today while driving...
I was able to use the same techniques I have used for my FB to snap out of it...
It passed quickly and I didnt wreck...
I feel like I have pushed through the worst, so here's to that.
I was able to use the same techniques I have used for my FB to snap out of it...
It passed quickly and I didnt wreck...
I feel like I have pushed through the worst, so here's to that.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Charleston S.C.
Posts: 1,461
Amy, I didn't mention in my PM because I wanted to share with all. Last night I had the first nightmare in about a month. Although they were upsetting, I was able to deal with it. They come often after talking about and revisiting the past. I've developed some tools to help me. They are no longer unexpected so I'm ready. Self talk sort of grounds me to the moment. I used to wallow in the facts and would keep the nightmare alive. I looked around the room and said "only a dream only a dream. A dream can't physically hurt me." Then I tried to think of something pleasent. I thought of some of everyone's encouragement here and my impending trip to Orlando. Sometimes I feel that because I offer very little chance during normal life, sleep is the only chance these demons have to take hold of my mind. Once awake, the quicker I denounce them, the quicker they leave. I have done this with my alcoholism also. I treat the alcoholism and PTSD in the 3rd person. The third person that will do anything to get me back in their control. In fact Amy, looking at your advitar, I can now place a face on them.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Kingston, NY
Posts: 390
Hi guys....
Thank you for your thoughtful words, Don. It's good to be here.
Shutterbug - my screen name is the Latin name for white oak. I am a lover of trees, and that's one of my favorites - strong, majestic, beautiful. I got the picture by my signature from a friend as well... it's actually a white oak leaf, which is perfect! And Amy - I love your sig!
My weekend... it was pretty rough. I tend to be very, very sensitive about sexuality, thanks to the things that happened to me. I hate pornography and I think our culture puts too strong an emphasis on sex in general, and sexualizes just about everything - it's everywhere you look. I am sure that my attitude is rooted in the things that happened to me, and I am trying to learn how *not* to freak out about it. That being said... when I got home on Friday afternoon, I found a late notice from Blockbuster in the mailbox - a late notice for a movie that is described as being about the "sexcapades" of a woman, and on the cover of the movie is a half naked female. Clearly this is not something I rented... it was something my husband had rented and hidden from me, then forgot to return. It wasn't a porn movie, not really, but the whole focus of the movie was sex, and there was nudity galore in it. Now, I suspect that if I was "normal," I would have just laughed this off... instead, though, I had a minor meltdown. I didn't say anything terrible to my husband, but I did express my unhappiness with what he did - I think the fact that he hid it from me bothers me even more than envisioning my husband watching softcore stuff. At any rate, we have been having problems lately anyway, and he used my upset as an excuse to go into a full-blown rage. It was ugly. So.... that was my weekend. Things are ok between us now, but I have that much less trust in him now, and I feel pretty raw and alone. I feel that I should mention that I am a fit woman and our sex life is quite healthy, so he isn't being deprived in any way. I don't know why I feel I have to say that... but I do.
It just sucks that I'm like this, so sensitive about things that others wouldn't even think twice about.
I have no conclusion to draw from this... any thoughts you guys might have would be welcome.
I hope you're all doing well.
--anne
Thank you for your thoughtful words, Don. It's good to be here.
Shutterbug - my screen name is the Latin name for white oak. I am a lover of trees, and that's one of my favorites - strong, majestic, beautiful. I got the picture by my signature from a friend as well... it's actually a white oak leaf, which is perfect! And Amy - I love your sig!
My weekend... it was pretty rough. I tend to be very, very sensitive about sexuality, thanks to the things that happened to me. I hate pornography and I think our culture puts too strong an emphasis on sex in general, and sexualizes just about everything - it's everywhere you look. I am sure that my attitude is rooted in the things that happened to me, and I am trying to learn how *not* to freak out about it. That being said... when I got home on Friday afternoon, I found a late notice from Blockbuster in the mailbox - a late notice for a movie that is described as being about the "sexcapades" of a woman, and on the cover of the movie is a half naked female. Clearly this is not something I rented... it was something my husband had rented and hidden from me, then forgot to return. It wasn't a porn movie, not really, but the whole focus of the movie was sex, and there was nudity galore in it. Now, I suspect that if I was "normal," I would have just laughed this off... instead, though, I had a minor meltdown. I didn't say anything terrible to my husband, but I did express my unhappiness with what he did - I think the fact that he hid it from me bothers me even more than envisioning my husband watching softcore stuff. At any rate, we have been having problems lately anyway, and he used my upset as an excuse to go into a full-blown rage. It was ugly. So.... that was my weekend. Things are ok between us now, but I have that much less trust in him now, and I feel pretty raw and alone. I feel that I should mention that I am a fit woman and our sex life is quite healthy, so he isn't being deprived in any way. I don't know why I feel I have to say that... but I do.
It just sucks that I'm like this, so sensitive about things that others wouldn't even think twice about.
I have no conclusion to draw from this... any thoughts you guys might have would be welcome.
I hope you're all doing well.
--anne
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