Bipolar/ major depression journal part 2 (year 2)
A picture's worth a 1000 words
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Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
okay...I never remember what I've already said on here, but I went for a photojournalism job interview at an alternative type publication...a large publication...a couple of weeks ago.
The editor seems very enthusiastic about meeting me and kept asking if I would be willing to free lance for them until the get the okay to hire someone full time. I sent him 5 pics to show him some examples and he asked me to come for the interview in the next 2 days.
I did. I didn't feel like the interview went well ( a panel of 3), but I was still hopeful. He said he would let me know something by the end of the week. When I didn't hear from him as he said, I e-mailed him and saying that I was guessing that I didn't get the job since I hadn't been contacted yet.
He replied that I was correct and that I had not been chosen. He said they are looking for a different kind of "photographic eye" and that it was "nothing personal."
Well...in my experience...when someone says, "It's nothing personal," then it IS INDEED personal.
Well...continuing on in my job search and low and behold....there is the same job opening now listed on a national journalism job bank and wasn't put up until this week.
So that means that ....no one applied that was better than me...and that I just wasn't good enough. Man that hurts....really hurts....a lot.
Anyway, I just e-mailed him back and asked if he would elaborate on why I didn't get the job and asked if he could please be frank and tell me if they thought my portfolio totally sucked.
--
I've spent about 4 hours this evening working on submitting resumes and cover letters and writing samples to several newspaper openings...for a writer...blahck :P
And yesterday, my little cousin and I pretty much decided that she is going to move in with me until she turns 18 or goes off to college. It will be a major adjustment for me, but she is severly struggling with her depression and over-sleeping and knows that I'm the only one in the family who can understand and support her right now.
She tried to kill herself several months ago and yet the mental health center she's going to (same one I go to) doesn't even have her on an anti-depressant or anything.
Well, and right now she's living with our aunt and her son (and her son is the one who molested her when she was 5 or 6 and ...his dad is my uncle who went to prison for molesting me around the same age...and neither of us can hardly stand to be around the son)
So getting her out of that house where he's living now to....will be a good thing. My sister could better care for my little cousin financially and such, but my cousin has tried that and my sister treats her like a child and is very harsh and demanding with her. (well, and my sister has gotten really lazy with the twins and always wants someone there to take care of them...and wait on her hand and foot...and no 16-year-old wants to do that).
Anyway...if she ends up moving in...then perhaps this is why the job search is going so bad (because if I was working full-time right now then I wouldn't be able to handle such a big change in the middle of trying to keep up with a career).
I don't know. I've wanted to take care of her since her mom died and I want to even more so now b/c I'm so much like her mom and I want her to grow up with at least a little bit of her mom and how her mom would raise her...and I want to help her start learning how to get her mental health under control now instead of later.
So that's what all's been on my mind...well and the EEOC case. I recieved paperwork saying that my case has been chosen for mediation and that I have to fill out paperwork and have it in by Monday. But in reading the paperwork...it's obvious that if I go through mediation that I will want to have a lawyer with me and no one told me this prior. Actually, I don't want to go through mediation b/c I don't see anything coming out of it unless they were to offer me a giant settlement to go away...yippie...that would mean I could get a new digital camera and computer and the works!
Anyway, you almost need to be a lawyer to read the crap the case manager sent me...and I'm pretty able to understand most legal stuff, but this packet of crap scares me. AND if I don't respond with the paperwork signed by Feb. 27, then my whole case will be dismissed!
So, I've got to get a lawyer.
Finish putting together the time line for my case (from e-mails, journals and other paper work evidence).
Then mail that in.
Then stress about the mediation.
Then stress about having to argue my case with the people who caused me so much stress to begin with.
Oh...and then next weekend...I have to sit at a dinner table with them to receive my awards from the annual journalism banquet.
Ugh!
All of this...and no more paychecks coming in...
I'm getting more scared by the minute.
The editor seems very enthusiastic about meeting me and kept asking if I would be willing to free lance for them until the get the okay to hire someone full time. I sent him 5 pics to show him some examples and he asked me to come for the interview in the next 2 days.
I did. I didn't feel like the interview went well ( a panel of 3), but I was still hopeful. He said he would let me know something by the end of the week. When I didn't hear from him as he said, I e-mailed him and saying that I was guessing that I didn't get the job since I hadn't been contacted yet.
He replied that I was correct and that I had not been chosen. He said they are looking for a different kind of "photographic eye" and that it was "nothing personal."
Well...in my experience...when someone says, "It's nothing personal," then it IS INDEED personal.
Well...continuing on in my job search and low and behold....there is the same job opening now listed on a national journalism job bank and wasn't put up until this week.
So that means that ....no one applied that was better than me...and that I just wasn't good enough. Man that hurts....really hurts....a lot.
Anyway, I just e-mailed him back and asked if he would elaborate on why I didn't get the job and asked if he could please be frank and tell me if they thought my portfolio totally sucked.
--
I've spent about 4 hours this evening working on submitting resumes and cover letters and writing samples to several newspaper openings...for a writer...blahck :P
And yesterday, my little cousin and I pretty much decided that she is going to move in with me until she turns 18 or goes off to college. It will be a major adjustment for me, but she is severly struggling with her depression and over-sleeping and knows that I'm the only one in the family who can understand and support her right now.
She tried to kill herself several months ago and yet the mental health center she's going to (same one I go to) doesn't even have her on an anti-depressant or anything.
Well, and right now she's living with our aunt and her son (and her son is the one who molested her when she was 5 or 6 and ...his dad is my uncle who went to prison for molesting me around the same age...and neither of us can hardly stand to be around the son)
So getting her out of that house where he's living now to....will be a good thing. My sister could better care for my little cousin financially and such, but my cousin has tried that and my sister treats her like a child and is very harsh and demanding with her. (well, and my sister has gotten really lazy with the twins and always wants someone there to take care of them...and wait on her hand and foot...and no 16-year-old wants to do that).
Anyway...if she ends up moving in...then perhaps this is why the job search is going so bad (because if I was working full-time right now then I wouldn't be able to handle such a big change in the middle of trying to keep up with a career).
I don't know. I've wanted to take care of her since her mom died and I want to even more so now b/c I'm so much like her mom and I want her to grow up with at least a little bit of her mom and how her mom would raise her...and I want to help her start learning how to get her mental health under control now instead of later.
So that's what all's been on my mind...well and the EEOC case. I recieved paperwork saying that my case has been chosen for mediation and that I have to fill out paperwork and have it in by Monday. But in reading the paperwork...it's obvious that if I go through mediation that I will want to have a lawyer with me and no one told me this prior. Actually, I don't want to go through mediation b/c I don't see anything coming out of it unless they were to offer me a giant settlement to go away...yippie...that would mean I could get a new digital camera and computer and the works!
Anyway, you almost need to be a lawyer to read the crap the case manager sent me...and I'm pretty able to understand most legal stuff, but this packet of crap scares me. AND if I don't respond with the paperwork signed by Feb. 27, then my whole case will be dismissed!
So, I've got to get a lawyer.
Finish putting together the time line for my case (from e-mails, journals and other paper work evidence).
Then mail that in.
Then stress about the mediation.
Then stress about having to argue my case with the people who caused me so much stress to begin with.
Oh...and then next weekend...I have to sit at a dinner table with them to receive my awards from the annual journalism banquet.
Ugh!
All of this...and no more paychecks coming in...
I'm getting more scared by the minute.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Sorry, straight up.....there is too much to digest all at once here, It would take me days to address each issue.
So,
for starters, go to the forum called relationships and parenting in sobriety, read the stickie that defines healthy relationships. Later we can talk about that.
And remember.....you get awarded while they have to sit and see it. How about just for kicks practicing being haughty? hehehe Rehearse it like a musical composition.
I know you had to take speech in college. It is all a performance. Hold you nose up just a little higher, spine straight, walk such that your footprints form a single line, one in front of the other. Try a facial expression of bemusement. Rehearse your lines ahead.....thank you very much. Assume you deserve these awards, as you know you do. This is your chance to outclass them publicly! This is one of your living well is the best revenge moments. Don't forget that.
A better way to keep doors open, is if in that last interview when he said they wanted a different eye, thank them for considering you and ask them to keep you in mind in the future should their needs change.
Gracious goes a long way. And that impression lasts.
I'll be back. I am thinking. Slowly. Have been miserable with the flu last 3 days.
So,
for starters, go to the forum called relationships and parenting in sobriety, read the stickie that defines healthy relationships. Later we can talk about that.
And remember.....you get awarded while they have to sit and see it. How about just for kicks practicing being haughty? hehehe Rehearse it like a musical composition.
I know you had to take speech in college. It is all a performance. Hold you nose up just a little higher, spine straight, walk such that your footprints form a single line, one in front of the other. Try a facial expression of bemusement. Rehearse your lines ahead.....thank you very much. Assume you deserve these awards, as you know you do. This is your chance to outclass them publicly! This is one of your living well is the best revenge moments. Don't forget that.
A better way to keep doors open, is if in that last interview when he said they wanted a different eye, thank them for considering you and ask them to keep you in mind in the future should their needs change.
Gracious goes a long way. And that impression lasts.
I'll be back. I am thinking. Slowly. Have been miserable with the flu last 3 days.
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
I will go and read the sticky...
I'm already practicing everything in my mind for the banquet...
I already thanked the other paper for everything and told them I enjoyed meeting them and for considering me...all that...but I also want to know why I wasn't chosen. I don't think that's unreasonable for me to ask to have explained, but maybe I'm wrong.
I don't know what haughty means?
I'm sorry for my post about your relationship...I'm just jealous....something I still need to work on. I hope things are better for you now.
I'm already practicing everything in my mind for the banquet...
I already thanked the other paper for everything and told them I enjoyed meeting them and for considering me...all that...but I also want to know why I wasn't chosen. I don't think that's unreasonable for me to ask to have explained, but maybe I'm wrong.
I don't know what haughty means?
I'm sorry for my post about your relationship...I'm just jealous....something I still need to work on. I hope things are better for you now.
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
oh...and I got the PM...thanks.
My head isn't working so well this weekend so I will come back and think on it later. I guess it scares me b/c ever since my episode hit it's been extremly hard for me to learn anything new...even some of the simplist of things and that doesn't sound very simple.
Hugs,
My head isn't working so well this weekend so I will come back and think on it later. I guess it scares me b/c ever since my episode hit it's been extremly hard for me to learn anything new...even some of the simplist of things and that doesn't sound very simple.
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
You don't need to apologize to me!!!!!!!
We had quite a tiff about it. I am adamant. That is one of my boundaries and it has been and he has known it from the get go. I am not going to take my clothes off and feel confident, sexy, uninhibited and desirable if I have that picture of a 20 year old bombshell in my mind for comparision.
Our vows said honor and respect amongst other things and I expect those to be strived for and lived out.
Honestly, the greater benefit for him is for me to be and feel free and confident about myself sexually, so it is in his interest as well to protect that part of our relationship.
I don't know Jenna it is a trait my sis, my daughter and I have, in that order of the strength of it,.......we do not first ask ourselves does someone like me, we ask do we like them. And when it comes to men, it is impress me.
In my opinion some of the biggest mistakes women make and I have had this confirmed from some guys is that a woman starts trying to be a pleaser, and she'll start cleaning his house, doing his dishes, his laundry. And he doesn't get to chase her, have the thrill of a conquest that he worked for. She's trying to move in, he feels, and in serving him sets up a dynamic that he is worth more than she is. It also lends the impression that she doesn't have a life. If they want you for you, they will pursue you. Let them.
I am speaking to all women here.
People value what they had to work for to get.....and men are afraid of women who say too soon, I love you or I need you.
They don't want a woman who is easy to win, that means anybody could be with her.
And they feel extra tall when that slightly aloof one agrees to see them, they feel special.
Am I making sense here?
We had quite a tiff about it. I am adamant. That is one of my boundaries and it has been and he has known it from the get go. I am not going to take my clothes off and feel confident, sexy, uninhibited and desirable if I have that picture of a 20 year old bombshell in my mind for comparision.
Our vows said honor and respect amongst other things and I expect those to be strived for and lived out.
Honestly, the greater benefit for him is for me to be and feel free and confident about myself sexually, so it is in his interest as well to protect that part of our relationship.
I don't know Jenna it is a trait my sis, my daughter and I have, in that order of the strength of it,.......we do not first ask ourselves does someone like me, we ask do we like them. And when it comes to men, it is impress me.
In my opinion some of the biggest mistakes women make and I have had this confirmed from some guys is that a woman starts trying to be a pleaser, and she'll start cleaning his house, doing his dishes, his laundry. And he doesn't get to chase her, have the thrill of a conquest that he worked for. She's trying to move in, he feels, and in serving him sets up a dynamic that he is worth more than she is. It also lends the impression that she doesn't have a life. If they want you for you, they will pursue you. Let them.
I am speaking to all women here.
People value what they had to work for to get.....and men are afraid of women who say too soon, I love you or I need you.
They don't want a woman who is easy to win, that means anybody could be with her.
And they feel extra tall when that slightly aloof one agrees to see them, they feel special.
Am I making sense here?
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
Originally Posted by Tena
I don't know Jenna it is a trait my sis, my daughter and I have, in that order of the strength of it,.......we do not first ask ourselves does someone like me, we ask do we like them. And when it comes to men, it is impress me.
In my opinion some of the biggest mistakes women make and I have had this confirmed from some guys is that a woman starts trying to be a pleaser, and she'll start cleaning his house, doing his dishes, his laundry. And he doesn't get to chase her, have the thrill of a conquest that he worked for. She's trying to move in, he feels, and in serving him sets up a dynamic that he is worth more than she is. It also lends the impression that she doesn't have a life. If they want you for you, they will pursue you. Let them.
I am speaking to all women here.
People value what they had to work for to get.....and men are afraid of women who say too soon, I love you or I need you.
They don't want a woman who is easy to win, that means anybody could be with her.
And they feel extra tall when that slightly aloof one agrees to see them, they feel special.
Am I making sense here?
In my opinion some of the biggest mistakes women make and I have had this confirmed from some guys is that a woman starts trying to be a pleaser, and she'll start cleaning his house, doing his dishes, his laundry. And he doesn't get to chase her, have the thrill of a conquest that he worked for. She's trying to move in, he feels, and in serving him sets up a dynamic that he is worth more than she is. It also lends the impression that she doesn't have a life. If they want you for you, they will pursue you. Let them.
I am speaking to all women here.
People value what they had to work for to get.....and men are afraid of women who say too soon, I love you or I need you.
They don't want a woman who is easy to win, that means anybody could be with her.
And they feel extra tall when that slightly aloof one agrees to see them, they feel special.
Am I making sense here?
And in my life....the guys who HAVE chased me...well, I had absolutely NO interest in them. It's actually pretty rare for me to be attracted to someone who also is attracted to me....so when I find that....I'm so starved for everything that I just jump into that "mode" and we all know where that leads.
I'm just destined to be alone forever and I'm coming to accept that (but it still hurts when I see others who have something great).
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Einstein: genius is 1% inspiration; 99% perspiration
I think it is less destiny than it is creativity. I think you can create a script, a bullseye of ideals (my HP) and navigate with direction towards those.
In the 16 months (more or less) that I lived in Florida, only one man asked me out. I grabbed onto Danny after the trial and error few dates with man #1.
We quarrelled last night. He mostly. Today I invited him to the couch and I said I wanted to read our contract. I got out our wedding ceremony....a compilation of all the most beautiful and aspects of love, the highest romance of all I know. It is a profound and subtle guide, seen anew in perspectives of question. He read it as I passed the pages to him after I had read them. And we both shed our own private tears and experienced it from our solitary perspective, that is two lives sworn to one path, and I think it was the best antidote. I think he thinks so too.
Before we read it I talked to him. I talked to myself alot last night. Unconditional...detachment....respect is not controlling another......I ASKED THIS, "Please do not let me ever find out again."....respect takes the hurt out....and what I asked had to include respect for myself, my right to well-being and comfort.
The more I practice treating myself like someone I love.....I wish I did it more and better.
hugs,
Tena
I think it is less destiny than it is creativity. I think you can create a script, a bullseye of ideals (my HP) and navigate with direction towards those.
In the 16 months (more or less) that I lived in Florida, only one man asked me out. I grabbed onto Danny after the trial and error few dates with man #1.
We quarrelled last night. He mostly. Today I invited him to the couch and I said I wanted to read our contract. I got out our wedding ceremony....a compilation of all the most beautiful and aspects of love, the highest romance of all I know. It is a profound and subtle guide, seen anew in perspectives of question. He read it as I passed the pages to him after I had read them. And we both shed our own private tears and experienced it from our solitary perspective, that is two lives sworn to one path, and I think it was the best antidote. I think he thinks so too.
Before we read it I talked to him. I talked to myself alot last night. Unconditional...detachment....respect is not controlling another......I ASKED THIS, "Please do not let me ever find out again."....respect takes the hurt out....and what I asked had to include respect for myself, my right to well-being and comfort.
The more I practice treating myself like someone I love.....I wish I did it more and better.
hugs,
Tena
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
wise words Tena...very wise words.
A contract....brings things back into perspective doesn't it!
My 16-year-old cousin and I are in the initial stage of her moving in with me until she is 18 or goes off to college. One of the first thing I asked of her was if we could do a contract between each other.....she write down her expectations and I write down mine and we sign them and keep them handy so there will never be any wishy-washy complications about things we agree on from the beginning AND it also let's each person say their expectations of the arrangement so the other knows exactly where that person is coming from.
Your actions and how things were able to be helped by reading over your wedding vows is awsome....I want to learn to be in relationships in the most healthy ways possible and I think you've got a lot of that down pat. I can learn SO much from you (and have).
Hugs,
P.S. I got a freelance writing gig today....minimal pay, but I set my own hours and only take the stories I want. So that's cool.
I told my mom about what you e-mailed me about and she REALLY wants to know more about it! Is it hard to learn how to do? How much does a typical job pay and how much time does each one typipally take...all that jazz....
A contract....brings things back into perspective doesn't it!
My 16-year-old cousin and I are in the initial stage of her moving in with me until she is 18 or goes off to college. One of the first thing I asked of her was if we could do a contract between each other.....she write down her expectations and I write down mine and we sign them and keep them handy so there will never be any wishy-washy complications about things we agree on from the beginning AND it also let's each person say their expectations of the arrangement so the other knows exactly where that person is coming from.
Your actions and how things were able to be helped by reading over your wedding vows is awsome....I want to learn to be in relationships in the most healthy ways possible and I think you've got a lot of that down pat. I can learn SO much from you (and have).
Hugs,
P.S. I got a freelance writing gig today....minimal pay, but I set my own hours and only take the stories I want. So that's cool.
I told my mom about what you e-mailed me about and she REALLY wants to know more about it! Is it hard to learn how to do? How much does a typical job pay and how much time does each one typipally take...all that jazz....
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
I hope you get better soon...you are in my daily thoughts.
Are you taking any Vitamin C or anything?
Some of my depression has crept back this week. I am sleeping 12-16 hours a day again and struggling to finish the EEOC paperwork by the end of the week. I must make myself go up to the city to turn it all in tomorrow.
Being without a job, going back through all the work crap for this case, worring about finances and knowing that Saturday...I may be sitting across the table from my ex-boss for 2 hours.....well, that's enough situational stuff for anyone to be depressed I think.
Oh...and I got a stupid parking ticket when I was up at the EEOC building a couple of weeks ago and I forgot about it. Actually....it had appeared that I was parking in a regular metered parking space but the ticket cop cited me as parking in a commercial parking space.
Well...until I got a letter in the mail today...I hadn't notice that I also had gotten a ticket for my tag being expired (actually, I have the stupid thing, I just haven't stuck it on yet!)
Well, the letter today said I have to pay $136 by the 27th or else I will be fined an additional $167 AND a warrant will be issued for my arrest!!!!!!!!!!!!
And just to be able to plead not guilty....they make you pay the bond amount (the whole ticket) PLUS bonding fees and then set a court date and all kinds of crap.
This world is SO screwed up sometimes. I can't believe that I didn't see the second ticket in the envelope!
Anyway, I'm going to make a copy of my tag paperwork showing that I had the tag and then mail in the $24 fine for supposedly parking in the wrongs space and see what happens. If they arrest me....then they arrest me....I suppose...urg.
-----
On the brighter side: I sent off several resumes the other day and I've got a response from 2 of them. The one I already mentioned....about freelance writing....which I plan to do.
THE OTHER....well I actually applied for a reporting job, but the hiring editor wrote me back saying that he noticed my photography experience and that I also had put a job wanted ad on a the state press Web site last year for wanting to work as a photog...and well....he said he also has an opening for a photographer and wanted to know which position I would be more interested in!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OMG!! This was TOTALLY unexpected! I feel good about this, but am trying NOT to get my hopes up (even thought they pretty much already are). This would be kind of a high-profile job. The paper mainly covers state politics at the capital and with the governor and such....I actually hate politics, but I enjoy photographing politicians....crazy isn't it.
Well....prayers if ya pray...
This might just turn out to be a really good thing for me.
I think I lost the last photog job with that newspaper/magazine....because of one of my references....so I think I'm gunna hafta figure out another reference to list if they ask for my references.
Oh Lord....I hope this job is meant for me!!!!!!!! I'm tired of reporting...and I NEED to be behind a camera!
Are you taking any Vitamin C or anything?
Some of my depression has crept back this week. I am sleeping 12-16 hours a day again and struggling to finish the EEOC paperwork by the end of the week. I must make myself go up to the city to turn it all in tomorrow.
Being without a job, going back through all the work crap for this case, worring about finances and knowing that Saturday...I may be sitting across the table from my ex-boss for 2 hours.....well, that's enough situational stuff for anyone to be depressed I think.
Oh...and I got a stupid parking ticket when I was up at the EEOC building a couple of weeks ago and I forgot about it. Actually....it had appeared that I was parking in a regular metered parking space but the ticket cop cited me as parking in a commercial parking space.
Well...until I got a letter in the mail today...I hadn't notice that I also had gotten a ticket for my tag being expired (actually, I have the stupid thing, I just haven't stuck it on yet!)
Well, the letter today said I have to pay $136 by the 27th or else I will be fined an additional $167 AND a warrant will be issued for my arrest!!!!!!!!!!!!
And just to be able to plead not guilty....they make you pay the bond amount (the whole ticket) PLUS bonding fees and then set a court date and all kinds of crap.
This world is SO screwed up sometimes. I can't believe that I didn't see the second ticket in the envelope!
Anyway, I'm going to make a copy of my tag paperwork showing that I had the tag and then mail in the $24 fine for supposedly parking in the wrongs space and see what happens. If they arrest me....then they arrest me....I suppose...urg.
-----
On the brighter side: I sent off several resumes the other day and I've got a response from 2 of them. The one I already mentioned....about freelance writing....which I plan to do.
THE OTHER....well I actually applied for a reporting job, but the hiring editor wrote me back saying that he noticed my photography experience and that I also had put a job wanted ad on a the state press Web site last year for wanting to work as a photog...and well....he said he also has an opening for a photographer and wanted to know which position I would be more interested in!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OMG!! This was TOTALLY unexpected! I feel good about this, but am trying NOT to get my hopes up (even thought they pretty much already are). This would be kind of a high-profile job. The paper mainly covers state politics at the capital and with the governor and such....I actually hate politics, but I enjoy photographing politicians....crazy isn't it.
Well....prayers if ya pray...
This might just turn out to be a really good thing for me.
I think I lost the last photog job with that newspaper/magazine....because of one of my references....so I think I'm gunna hafta figure out another reference to list if they ask for my references.
Oh Lord....I hope this job is meant for me!!!!!!!! I'm tired of reporting...and I NEED to be behind a camera!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Shutterbug, I wish I had your "keep on keeping on". I am just disgruntled and apathetic today. I am tired of the struggling. Seriously lacking in any kind of motivation.
I am pissed. I get up at 5:30am every morning. I dress up nicely, go to the courthouse, do my thing, rather disinterestedly I must add, come home, crash out and go to sleep etc.
Today is Saturday. I still got up at 5:30. I was glad for a day that I didn't feel SICK. I have missed an incredible number of work days being sick. Chick in Florida was supposed to mail one of my meds a week ago. Not here yet. Been skipping my anti-depressants too often.....cause I fall asleep when I walk in the door. So tonight, Saturday, I am in an ugly frame of mind. All work, struggles, no play. I want to be able to go out. I want to eat nicely. Maybe actually go to a club....just DO something.
Ex-bf invited us to come visit,...but we knew it would be drinking and we just both had an ugh feeling about that. I would go out, here in town, and have a couple of cocktails with entertainment. But intoxication as entertainment makes my stomach turn over. Hubby has a blues show playing, that helps a little bit
Heck, makes me want to be in Nashville and hit a real blues club! Well, I have money in the bank, but the damned bank puts a 10 day hold on it, so I have money, but can't get to any of it. Growl. I ought to be able to go out once in awhile. I used to go out big time every weekend. I will have my next paycheck BEFORE the last one clears. Talk about forced savings! But it will take 10 days to clear too. IN 3 months I have only gotten one full check because I have been sick and sick and sick.
So, because I was in withdrawal, too many days without my med, I just slept the day away.
What a waste! It is like all my waking hours are at work.
Hubby is counting our blessings for us, injecting a little humor, y'know...we got each other, we have heat, we are not out at the interstate looking for a Maytag box etc. Reminding me, that we are going through this for a time for the rewards later. I seem to have lost sight of those. Or am tired of living on dreams.
That parking ticket thing turning into a huge big deal with the threat of arrest. AAAAARRRRGGGHHHHHH!!!!!! Screaming into the universe. Sounds like the kind of stupid messes I get myself into. One little thing costs all out of proportion.
Yeah, I talked to ex-bf this morning. He drove home seriously drunk last night. Does it rather regularly. And you get a parking ticket and they are going to arrest you.????? I mean come on!
Gosh, I just realized you are at the banquet tonight.! Sending lots of warm vibes!
The jobs prospect is sounding really good. You deserve it! And, about time too, eh?
Nice to have those prospects to take with you to the banquet tonight.
Well, thanks for letting me get my grumping out in a safe way/place.
Coming to my senses, I realize that all that "fun" it sounds like some of the others I have been talking to have been having are really drunkenness to deal with these same feelings. It really seems like the drinking seems to work for some people! I know this is not supposed to be so....but...whether or not that is true is nothing to me, I know that drinking makes me sick. And it doesn't take much! We have a bottle of wine on the countertop. I like wine with good meals. But...right now with less than a full stomach, two glasses would make me feel totally yukky. And yeah, I wish I were in a nice restaurant with luscious food ordered, sipping at a bottle of wine. Let's see, I think tonight I would go to the Olive Garden, with their delicious salad, and order the all kinds of seafood with pasta dish. And I would wind up too full to want to go anywhere else and have a little wine glow. Feel a little sexy. And sleep well satiated too.
My fantasy life. Pretty tame isn't it! hahahahahaha
Lord, I have already done all the wild stuff. It ain't all that.
But seriously, when hubby and I were dating, we went out ALL out every weekend. Always going places, staying in nice hotels, eating well, shopping and seeing things, doing things.
And here I sit tonight eating hot pockets. Grudgingly.
I used to love getting lost in books, and boy would I have a good time shopping at Barnes and Nobles! right this minute, but I don't have the interest to read anything I have right now.
I don't know....hubby must have the patience of a saint. He is cooped up in this room all the time. But then he is a tv addict too.
hahahah, he has the tv on and I just heard some character tell the people in charge to screw off. That made me smile. I would like to say that. I don't know to whom in particular, I just want to say it.
I am saying it over and over in my mind, SCREW OFF! It seems to be improving my disposition! All this shyte this is bugging me....screw off! #$%&*%^&*)&*%*#%(&_
I love to curse and swear!
So,. What's there to do but deal with it and I guess I have a little bit of spirit, enough to cuss out the way I am feeling. I can hope that I can channel it more positively and have a productive full week coming up.
I really should have packed my spiritual books that feed and center me.!
I am pissed. I get up at 5:30am every morning. I dress up nicely, go to the courthouse, do my thing, rather disinterestedly I must add, come home, crash out and go to sleep etc.
Today is Saturday. I still got up at 5:30. I was glad for a day that I didn't feel SICK. I have missed an incredible number of work days being sick. Chick in Florida was supposed to mail one of my meds a week ago. Not here yet. Been skipping my anti-depressants too often.....cause I fall asleep when I walk in the door. So tonight, Saturday, I am in an ugly frame of mind. All work, struggles, no play. I want to be able to go out. I want to eat nicely. Maybe actually go to a club....just DO something.
Ex-bf invited us to come visit,...but we knew it would be drinking and we just both had an ugh feeling about that. I would go out, here in town, and have a couple of cocktails with entertainment. But intoxication as entertainment makes my stomach turn over. Hubby has a blues show playing, that helps a little bit
Heck, makes me want to be in Nashville and hit a real blues club! Well, I have money in the bank, but the damned bank puts a 10 day hold on it, so I have money, but can't get to any of it. Growl. I ought to be able to go out once in awhile. I used to go out big time every weekend. I will have my next paycheck BEFORE the last one clears. Talk about forced savings! But it will take 10 days to clear too. IN 3 months I have only gotten one full check because I have been sick and sick and sick.So, because I was in withdrawal, too many days without my med, I just slept the day away.
What a waste! It is like all my waking hours are at work.
Hubby is counting our blessings for us, injecting a little humor, y'know...we got each other, we have heat, we are not out at the interstate looking for a Maytag box etc. Reminding me, that we are going through this for a time for the rewards later. I seem to have lost sight of those. Or am tired of living on dreams.
That parking ticket thing turning into a huge big deal with the threat of arrest. AAAAARRRRGGGHHHHHH!!!!!! Screaming into the universe. Sounds like the kind of stupid messes I get myself into. One little thing costs all out of proportion.
Yeah, I talked to ex-bf this morning. He drove home seriously drunk last night. Does it rather regularly. And you get a parking ticket and they are going to arrest you.????? I mean come on!
Gosh, I just realized you are at the banquet tonight.! Sending lots of warm vibes!
The jobs prospect is sounding really good. You deserve it! And, about time too, eh?
Nice to have those prospects to take with you to the banquet tonight.
Well, thanks for letting me get my grumping out in a safe way/place.
Coming to my senses, I realize that all that "fun" it sounds like some of the others I have been talking to have been having are really drunkenness to deal with these same feelings. It really seems like the drinking seems to work for some people! I know this is not supposed to be so....but...whether or not that is true is nothing to me, I know that drinking makes me sick. And it doesn't take much! We have a bottle of wine on the countertop. I like wine with good meals. But...right now with less than a full stomach, two glasses would make me feel totally yukky. And yeah, I wish I were in a nice restaurant with luscious food ordered, sipping at a bottle of wine. Let's see, I think tonight I would go to the Olive Garden, with their delicious salad, and order the all kinds of seafood with pasta dish. And I would wind up too full to want to go anywhere else and have a little wine glow. Feel a little sexy. And sleep well satiated too.
My fantasy life. Pretty tame isn't it! hahahahahaha
Lord, I have already done all the wild stuff. It ain't all that.
But seriously, when hubby and I were dating, we went out ALL out every weekend. Always going places, staying in nice hotels, eating well, shopping and seeing things, doing things.
And here I sit tonight eating hot pockets. Grudgingly.
I used to love getting lost in books, and boy would I have a good time shopping at Barnes and Nobles! right this minute, but I don't have the interest to read anything I have right now.
I don't know....hubby must have the patience of a saint. He is cooped up in this room all the time. But then he is a tv addict too.
hahahah, he has the tv on and I just heard some character tell the people in charge to screw off. That made me smile. I would like to say that. I don't know to whom in particular, I just want to say it.
I am saying it over and over in my mind, SCREW OFF! It seems to be improving my disposition! All this shyte this is bugging me....screw off! #$%&*%^&*)&*%*#%(&_
I love to curse and swear!
So,. What's there to do but deal with it and I guess I have a little bit of spirit, enough to cuss out the way I am feeling. I can hope that I can channel it more positively and have a productive full week coming up.
I really should have packed my spiritual books that feed and center me.!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Thanks for being here for me to dump my garbage. I feel better. I can't wait to hear about the banquet!!!!!!!!!!
I think I am going to have some popcorn and, gulp, watch tv with hubby.
That tells me I have lost part of myself, but...life goes on, changes and we adjust.
Because we have to, no choice.
live
I think I am going to have some popcorn and, gulp, watch tv with hubby.
That tells me I have lost part of myself, but...life goes on, changes and we adjust.
Because we have to, no choice.
live
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
By the way, I did not stand down on my personal boundaries regarding the viewing of nudity and semi-nudity online or elsewhere.
I have been told that this is a natural instinct. Okay. Much of our process of civilizing ourselves to be moral, ethical people consists of taming our instincts and natural inclinations for a higher good.
If I had not tried to civilize my natural tendency to become hostile at insult and injury, I would be in jail for pulverizing some people etc.
I have said it succintly, but put much thought into it.
live
I have been told that this is a natural instinct. Okay. Much of our process of civilizing ourselves to be moral, ethical people consists of taming our instincts and natural inclinations for a higher good.
If I had not tried to civilize my natural tendency to become hostile at insult and injury, I would be in jail for pulverizing some people etc.
I have said it succintly, but put much thought into it.
live
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
wow, I am so curious to hear from you about your banquet! I just know it was a success, I think!?
I was wondering if I am making any progress at all? Aside from the medications alleviating the most desperate symptoms, I think I am pretty much the same.
I think I grew tired of working on my stuff a long time ago. Now I just live with it.
Life wasn't meant to be all effort, I just want some rest. Actually alot of rest, can't seem to get enough of it.
Well, I am definitely a bit off tonight, I am not even tempted by a Klondike bar or a Snickers. I think I am going to make myself eat some of my favorite junk while reading. Faking it until I make it.
I have turned down ice cream 2 or 3 days in a row, something is awry!
live
I was wondering if I am making any progress at all? Aside from the medications alleviating the most desperate symptoms, I think I am pretty much the same.
I think I grew tired of working on my stuff a long time ago. Now I just live with it.
Life wasn't meant to be all effort, I just want some rest. Actually alot of rest, can't seem to get enough of it.
Well, I am definitely a bit off tonight, I am not even tempted by a Klondike bar or a Snickers. I think I am going to make myself eat some of my favorite junk while reading. Faking it until I make it.
I have turned down ice cream 2 or 3 days in a row, something is awry!
live
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
yes sweetie...you sound depressed. I know i don't need to tell you to take your meds....but TAKE YOUR MEDS! 
you're right...it is a crazy world where your ex and have the rest the world drive drunk and I am looking at jail and big fines for parking in a spot that looked just like all the other spots where i was suppose to park instead. Big doggie doo doo....
The banquet went well. I got to sit with my friend and didn't have to sit with my old boss....I'll call him Mr. M. The staff photog of 30 years or more only got a third place award in one catagory.
I got wood (a first place plaque) for spot news photography of a house fire and then got second on the photog portfolio (or what some also call best all-around photog). I was beat by a girl (there's only 4 other serious girl photojournalists in the state) and she is awsome. I don't mind getting beat by someone as good as her. I told her that the only reason I won first in the portfolio catagory last year was because she didn't enter....and that is absolutely 100 % true. But give me a couple of years with a good camera and being able to do the photo part full-time (and NO reporting work) and I might could get some comparable shots....who knows.
Mr. M....didn't cause any problems for me. I surprized myself with how smoothly I handled everything and all my anxieties seemed to just fade away on the 2-hour drive there with my friend. Actually....he made a comment at his table for all to hear that I had said hello to his wife, but didn't so much as look at him. HA!
No....I didn't want to even look at him, but his wife is sweet and heck....she has to LIVE with that awful man!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I also was having anxieties about seeing my former best-friend....b/c I've been re-living the hurts that came from her abandonment of me and all the things she said...but once she arrived...I was SUPER glad to see her. I miss her. I guess she can't help it that society doesn't teach more understanding about mental illnesses than what she's learned in her life....i guess. It still hurts though.
I met a really awsome woman who is a dance teacher at one of the large state universities and who studied in New York and all that....we talked non-stop for 2 hours or more about 100 different cultural and arts stuff. Awe.....to be around intelligent people again.....it felt really, really nice. And I got to talk to her husband for a while too. He use to write for one of the major newspapers, but now works for some big group in Washington. He gets to spend most his time at home writing and only has to fly up to Washington every so often...and sometimes other places.
HA! AND....I met a woman is will start her new job Monday as a reporter at the paper I'm going to interview at Monday!!!!!!!! Weird...she said she'd talk me up to the editor, but she was pretty lit by that time so she'll be good to even remember my face after 2 days.
The woman I road up there with.....awe...that was wonderful too! I'm sure I jabbered her ear off b/c we talked all the way there and all the way back. I hadn't realized how hungry I was for meaningful conversation with intelligent people. I really enjoy being around people smarter than me b/c there is so much that can be learned from them. She gave me an absolute devine idea about how to possibly get some priceless lessons from a photojournalist I highly respect....and she has me thinking more about possibly going back to school for a while....maybe for a master's degree????
You know....I've never been to Olive Garden?!? Sinful isn't it!? Well, the closest one is here in the city and i don't go out to eat that much in the city. But that pasta dish sounds devine.
My appetite has been missing today. i had to force myself to eat a peice of toast for breakfast. For lunch i had a small bad of cashews. And for the $40 dinner tonight....2 bites of the salad, about 1/4 of my meal plate and I didn't even touch the dessert!!!
That's just not like me AT ALL!!!
Although, at the after hours party...they had something that looked like cheesecake on the yummy looking snack table....but I had had 2 fussy navels earlier tonight and the sugar from the 8 or so ounces of orange juice (total) made me feel ill. So I just grabbed a strawberry half while everyone else chowed down some more. it was odd for me....really odd.
But boy, if I could keep this kind of appetite up then I'd be 1/2 my self in about 4 months time!! Wouldn't that be so nice.
I've really been watching my diet pretty closely lately. And I'm down quite a bit. Five pounds this week, i think. Just a few months ago, I was my highest ever at 237 and yesterday I weighed in at 215. More than 20 pounds by not doing much of nothing except making myself eat several small meals a day instead of one big one (and trying to cut way down on my sugar intake)
It's a different world for the skinny than for the obese. My friend had that lap-band surgery several months ago and is already down to a size 10 ( her lowest weight as an adult) and we were talking about it last night. She said it's like she's suddenly "visible" to the outside world again!
It's hard for me to think about the possiblity of me ever being "visible" again....I just can't get my hopes up....just have to take baby steps. But....I remember when I initially gained the weight in college and I was on the football field one night taking pics of a social event for campus fraternitys and sorities....and a group of guys actually started barking at me (telling me what a dog I was). It hurt me so bad....and I've tried to numb all that out over the years and not notice the difference b/c it hurts too much.
Anyway....As you might can tell....even though i had a good night at the banquet and all....I'm feeling pretty low about myself in general.
Thoughts of giving up journalism altogether have been running through my mind since I quit last week (and before I had even gotten that job). The girl i road with tonight said for me to stop even trying to get reporting jobs and focus soley on my photography b/c I'm so creative and she actually said that when she looks at my pictures....she can feel how much my heart went into them.
Now this woman is lovely...truely lovely, but I think she tries really hard to make me feel better about myself and my work....but I question her enthusiasm for my photos even though she said she really means it.
I just don't see it. It's like I told her....all but 2 of my photos...are cookie-cutter journalism....nothings special....really. And I just got lucky those 2 times and had help from above.
And I question myself about everything...EVERYTHING. All I could think about when we got back and I climbed into my car was....
gosh I talked too much...
I'm was too whiney...
I should have just shut up and read the book I brought along...
Gee...she is SUCH a wonderful person for having so much pity for me and letting me tag along with her....
I shouldn't have talked about my illness with her at all (even though she's pretty understanding) b/c I talked more than once about how horrible my memory is these days and that's not a good thing to tell your best job reference....who might could have some influence to get you on at her paper if a photog job comes open like she thinks that it might could...
There's a thousand more where those came from.
I'm just questioning EVERYTHING about myself and feel convienced that all the worst cases are fact.
Like I have no right being in this business...who am I trying to kid.
Sounds funny coming from someone who just won 2 pretty great awards tonight..right? But that's how I'm feeling.
Well....I dont' think it helped that so many strangers introduced themselves tonight and almost all asked where I was working or who I was with and I had to say something unintelligent and clumsy about that I'm "wandering" right now in search of my next whatever.
And I even feel stupid for feeling stupid. Does that makes sense?
I know it doesn't...none of it does. I've been trying to fake it till I make it for a long time know and I just feel like the gig is up....it's time to face the truth and realize that my college degree isn't worth the paper it's written on and cost me $40,000 to boot.
I mean, really, what good is it to win awards and have others say they are proud of you or that you deserve them.........and yet not be good enough to get a job doing what you went to college for to begin with.
Yeah....you see....in 1999 I decided I wanted to be a photojournalist and even after graduating and all this time in the job market....I have yet to actually be hired as a photojournalist!??????????
I mean, I was hired mainly as a reporter at both my last jobs....funny b/c when Mr. M hired me to write for his paper....I had only had 2 stories published and one was written by another guy who jumped in to bail me out when I was about to have an anxiety melt-down close to deadline at the student paper. Other than that....I had taken ONE reporting class. I wasn't a reporter! How did I get hired as a reporter to begin with? I'll tell you how....Mr. M is stupider than even me and should never be allowed to make another decision about hiring someone.
Funny, cus in a way I feel I should thank him for doing just that! I can't even believe I just said that, but it's true. Truth is that I DID enjoy many things about being a reporter and writing and actually doing a few really great stories...and just learning how to connect with the world (or whoever I was talking to) on that level.
A woman at the hotel where the banquet was tonight runs a little boutique and she asked if I was with the journalism group and when I said yes.....she lit up like a Christmas tree....talking about how intriquing it is to her and asking me 20 questions about what it's like to actually BE a journalist. I feel like a fake, but it made me feel good to be considered among a group of people she found so interesting.
And the dancer I met....she basically said the same. That she loves being around journalists b/c they've always got great stories to tell. All you have to do is ask them if they've covered any intersting happenings lately and everyone of us can at least come up with 2 or more interesting stories to tell verbally.
And that's the weird thing with me too....I don't tell stories well verbally....unless I've written the story recently...and then I jump right in and spill my guts (no pun intended...okay, maybe that only makes sense to me).
Well....once again Tena, I've yakked your 'eyes' off ...and i don't think I've gotten around to responding to much of your wonderful posts. I'm glad you got your feelings and thoughts out here. I enjoy hearing about your life and such....and your posts make me smile and feel cared about and not so alone.
About the nudity thing though....I'll keep it short.....I guess I just look at it the way I do b/c we all got our faults and I'd rather it be that with a guy than drinking or drugs or violence and all that crap. AND also...I've listened to preacher's talk opening about sex addictions and porno addictions and it's a weakness for some men, but like sweets and cigerette's are for me. I'm not saying it's right...it's not...but neither is my being asthmatic and smoking; and being 100 pounds overweight and buying those 2 chocholate muffins I got at the store the other day. We all have things we dont' like about ourselves and things others don't enjoy about us either....I'm sure he wishes he didn't even crave that stuff sometimes...and half the world wishes they didn't crave sweets and cigs.
I respect you so much for putting your foot down about issues like this. It takes a strong woman to know what she wants and won't settle for less. I admire that emmensely and I actually think that's why I'm single is because I give in TOO much just to have even the tiniest sliver of love and laughter in my life.
But...because I bash people who look down at my mental illnesses ...then I try to push myself to try and put myself in the shoes of others whatever their difficulties or problems are in their lives....
Okay...that sounds like I'm saying I'm better or something negative like that....but that's not it at all.....I thought about erasing it, but I don't know how else to explain my thoughts ....
I wish I could be more like you, but I guess the thought of life-long lonelyness keeps me trying to reason bad things into being ok....
I dont' know...
I said it was going to be short and it wasn't...
It's late...
I'm sorry...
I'm forever stupid...
NOwonder my life keeps falling apart and won't let me put it back together...
I just wish....I could turn my mind off sometimes...
But then when I zombie out....I always feel guilty and unfullfilled for not accomplishing anything.
I'm depressed..obviously...
My sleeping all day everyday tells me that much...
I too am a t.v. veg-a-holic...it doesn't require thinking and it helps me escape all this clutter in my head.
night dear friend....I hope you're not mad at me for anything I've said...I'm sorry if I have...I don't mean to...I really don't.
NO hugs for me,
Jenna
you're right...it is a crazy world where your ex and have the rest the world drive drunk and I am looking at jail and big fines for parking in a spot that looked just like all the other spots where i was suppose to park instead. Big doggie doo doo....
The banquet went well. I got to sit with my friend and didn't have to sit with my old boss....I'll call him Mr. M. The staff photog of 30 years or more only got a third place award in one catagory.
I got wood (a first place plaque) for spot news photography of a house fire and then got second on the photog portfolio (or what some also call best all-around photog). I was beat by a girl (there's only 4 other serious girl photojournalists in the state) and she is awsome. I don't mind getting beat by someone as good as her. I told her that the only reason I won first in the portfolio catagory last year was because she didn't enter....and that is absolutely 100 % true. But give me a couple of years with a good camera and being able to do the photo part full-time (and NO reporting work) and I might could get some comparable shots....who knows.
Mr. M....didn't cause any problems for me. I surprized myself with how smoothly I handled everything and all my anxieties seemed to just fade away on the 2-hour drive there with my friend. Actually....he made a comment at his table for all to hear that I had said hello to his wife, but didn't so much as look at him. HA!
No....I didn't want to even look at him, but his wife is sweet and heck....she has to LIVE with that awful man!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I also was having anxieties about seeing my former best-friend....b/c I've been re-living the hurts that came from her abandonment of me and all the things she said...but once she arrived...I was SUPER glad to see her. I miss her. I guess she can't help it that society doesn't teach more understanding about mental illnesses than what she's learned in her life....i guess. It still hurts though.
I met a really awsome woman who is a dance teacher at one of the large state universities and who studied in New York and all that....we talked non-stop for 2 hours or more about 100 different cultural and arts stuff. Awe.....to be around intelligent people again.....it felt really, really nice. And I got to talk to her husband for a while too. He use to write for one of the major newspapers, but now works for some big group in Washington. He gets to spend most his time at home writing and only has to fly up to Washington every so often...and sometimes other places.
HA! AND....I met a woman is will start her new job Monday as a reporter at the paper I'm going to interview at Monday!!!!!!!! Weird...she said she'd talk me up to the editor, but she was pretty lit by that time so she'll be good to even remember my face after 2 days.
The woman I road up there with.....awe...that was wonderful too! I'm sure I jabbered her ear off b/c we talked all the way there and all the way back. I hadn't realized how hungry I was for meaningful conversation with intelligent people. I really enjoy being around people smarter than me b/c there is so much that can be learned from them. She gave me an absolute devine idea about how to possibly get some priceless lessons from a photojournalist I highly respect....and she has me thinking more about possibly going back to school for a while....maybe for a master's degree????
You know....I've never been to Olive Garden?!? Sinful isn't it!? Well, the closest one is here in the city and i don't go out to eat that much in the city. But that pasta dish sounds devine.
My appetite has been missing today. i had to force myself to eat a peice of toast for breakfast. For lunch i had a small bad of cashews. And for the $40 dinner tonight....2 bites of the salad, about 1/4 of my meal plate and I didn't even touch the dessert!!!
That's just not like me AT ALL!!!
Although, at the after hours party...they had something that looked like cheesecake on the yummy looking snack table....but I had had 2 fussy navels earlier tonight and the sugar from the 8 or so ounces of orange juice (total) made me feel ill. So I just grabbed a strawberry half while everyone else chowed down some more. it was odd for me....really odd.
But boy, if I could keep this kind of appetite up then I'd be 1/2 my self in about 4 months time!! Wouldn't that be so nice.
I've really been watching my diet pretty closely lately. And I'm down quite a bit. Five pounds this week, i think. Just a few months ago, I was my highest ever at 237 and yesterday I weighed in at 215. More than 20 pounds by not doing much of nothing except making myself eat several small meals a day instead of one big one (and trying to cut way down on my sugar intake)
It's a different world for the skinny than for the obese. My friend had that lap-band surgery several months ago and is already down to a size 10 ( her lowest weight as an adult) and we were talking about it last night. She said it's like she's suddenly "visible" to the outside world again!
It's hard for me to think about the possiblity of me ever being "visible" again....I just can't get my hopes up....just have to take baby steps. But....I remember when I initially gained the weight in college and I was on the football field one night taking pics of a social event for campus fraternitys and sorities....and a group of guys actually started barking at me (telling me what a dog I was). It hurt me so bad....and I've tried to numb all that out over the years and not notice the difference b/c it hurts too much.
Anyway....As you might can tell....even though i had a good night at the banquet and all....I'm feeling pretty low about myself in general.
Thoughts of giving up journalism altogether have been running through my mind since I quit last week (and before I had even gotten that job). The girl i road with tonight said for me to stop even trying to get reporting jobs and focus soley on my photography b/c I'm so creative and she actually said that when she looks at my pictures....she can feel how much my heart went into them.
Now this woman is lovely...truely lovely, but I think she tries really hard to make me feel better about myself and my work....but I question her enthusiasm for my photos even though she said she really means it.
I just don't see it. It's like I told her....all but 2 of my photos...are cookie-cutter journalism....nothings special....really. And I just got lucky those 2 times and had help from above.
And I question myself about everything...EVERYTHING. All I could think about when we got back and I climbed into my car was....
gosh I talked too much...
I'm was too whiney...
I should have just shut up and read the book I brought along...
Gee...she is SUCH a wonderful person for having so much pity for me and letting me tag along with her....
I shouldn't have talked about my illness with her at all (even though she's pretty understanding) b/c I talked more than once about how horrible my memory is these days and that's not a good thing to tell your best job reference....who might could have some influence to get you on at her paper if a photog job comes open like she thinks that it might could...
There's a thousand more where those came from.
I'm just questioning EVERYTHING about myself and feel convienced that all the worst cases are fact.
Like I have no right being in this business...who am I trying to kid.
Sounds funny coming from someone who just won 2 pretty great awards tonight..right? But that's how I'm feeling.
Well....I dont' think it helped that so many strangers introduced themselves tonight and almost all asked where I was working or who I was with and I had to say something unintelligent and clumsy about that I'm "wandering" right now in search of my next whatever.
And I even feel stupid for feeling stupid. Does that makes sense?
I know it doesn't...none of it does. I've been trying to fake it till I make it for a long time know and I just feel like the gig is up....it's time to face the truth and realize that my college degree isn't worth the paper it's written on and cost me $40,000 to boot.
I mean, really, what good is it to win awards and have others say they are proud of you or that you deserve them.........and yet not be good enough to get a job doing what you went to college for to begin with.
Yeah....you see....in 1999 I decided I wanted to be a photojournalist and even after graduating and all this time in the job market....I have yet to actually be hired as a photojournalist!??????????
I mean, I was hired mainly as a reporter at both my last jobs....funny b/c when Mr. M hired me to write for his paper....I had only had 2 stories published and one was written by another guy who jumped in to bail me out when I was about to have an anxiety melt-down close to deadline at the student paper. Other than that....I had taken ONE reporting class. I wasn't a reporter! How did I get hired as a reporter to begin with? I'll tell you how....Mr. M is stupider than even me and should never be allowed to make another decision about hiring someone.
Funny, cus in a way I feel I should thank him for doing just that! I can't even believe I just said that, but it's true. Truth is that I DID enjoy many things about being a reporter and writing and actually doing a few really great stories...and just learning how to connect with the world (or whoever I was talking to) on that level.
A woman at the hotel where the banquet was tonight runs a little boutique and she asked if I was with the journalism group and when I said yes.....she lit up like a Christmas tree....talking about how intriquing it is to her and asking me 20 questions about what it's like to actually BE a journalist. I feel like a fake, but it made me feel good to be considered among a group of people she found so interesting.
And the dancer I met....she basically said the same. That she loves being around journalists b/c they've always got great stories to tell. All you have to do is ask them if they've covered any intersting happenings lately and everyone of us can at least come up with 2 or more interesting stories to tell verbally.
And that's the weird thing with me too....I don't tell stories well verbally....unless I've written the story recently...and then I jump right in and spill my guts (no pun intended...okay, maybe that only makes sense to me).
Well....once again Tena, I've yakked your 'eyes' off ...and i don't think I've gotten around to responding to much of your wonderful posts. I'm glad you got your feelings and thoughts out here. I enjoy hearing about your life and such....and your posts make me smile and feel cared about and not so alone.
About the nudity thing though....I'll keep it short.....I guess I just look at it the way I do b/c we all got our faults and I'd rather it be that with a guy than drinking or drugs or violence and all that crap. AND also...I've listened to preacher's talk opening about sex addictions and porno addictions and it's a weakness for some men, but like sweets and cigerette's are for me. I'm not saying it's right...it's not...but neither is my being asthmatic and smoking; and being 100 pounds overweight and buying those 2 chocholate muffins I got at the store the other day. We all have things we dont' like about ourselves and things others don't enjoy about us either....I'm sure he wishes he didn't even crave that stuff sometimes...and half the world wishes they didn't crave sweets and cigs.
I respect you so much for putting your foot down about issues like this. It takes a strong woman to know what she wants and won't settle for less. I admire that emmensely and I actually think that's why I'm single is because I give in TOO much just to have even the tiniest sliver of love and laughter in my life.
But...because I bash people who look down at my mental illnesses ...then I try to push myself to try and put myself in the shoes of others whatever their difficulties or problems are in their lives....
Okay...that sounds like I'm saying I'm better or something negative like that....but that's not it at all.....I thought about erasing it, but I don't know how else to explain my thoughts ....
I wish I could be more like you, but I guess the thought of life-long lonelyness keeps me trying to reason bad things into being ok....
I dont' know...
I said it was going to be short and it wasn't...
It's late...
I'm sorry...
I'm forever stupid...
NOwonder my life keeps falling apart and won't let me put it back together...
I just wish....I could turn my mind off sometimes...
But then when I zombie out....I always feel guilty and unfullfilled for not accomplishing anything.
I'm depressed..obviously...
My sleeping all day everyday tells me that much...
I too am a t.v. veg-a-holic...it doesn't require thinking and it helps me escape all this clutter in my head.
night dear friend....I hope you're not mad at me for anything I've said...I'm sorry if I have...I don't mean to...I really don't.
NO hugs for me,
Jenna
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Boy, the night sure jumbled up alot of emotions, but looking at it from here, it sounds like the banquet was a great experience. It is great to get to talk to real people in a meaningful and encouraging manner. I tend to take those encouragements and hang onto them like talismans.
I read a quote from Ann last night that the difference between a bad day and a good day was two days. I want to remember that.
I hope you put up your awards where you can see them all the time.
I ate breakfast this morning because I told someone on the boards that I would try. I need to eat better so that I have more energy.
I think I can identify with how such a wonderful evening could result in defeated feeling. For me, it is because I get to thinking how this high level functioning is everyday and normal for these people and how far my everyday life is from that. That I don't fit in. The fact that it is an anomolay for me rubs me.
And then I think it is because I am not good enough.
For me, I admit I under-function, so I am self-defeating.
I realized last night that I work on my recovery when I have nothing else to do, but forget about it when I am working etc. So, I lose ground.
So, just for today, I went against the grain and ate breakfast.
I think some fresh air would do me a world of good. Now, what I do with that knowledge is anybody's guess!
More later,
Tena
I read a quote from Ann last night that the difference between a bad day and a good day was two days. I want to remember that.
I hope you put up your awards where you can see them all the time.
I ate breakfast this morning because I told someone on the boards that I would try. I need to eat better so that I have more energy.
I think I can identify with how such a wonderful evening could result in defeated feeling. For me, it is because I get to thinking how this high level functioning is everyday and normal for these people and how far my everyday life is from that. That I don't fit in. The fact that it is an anomolay for me rubs me.
And then I think it is because I am not good enough.
For me, I admit I under-function, so I am self-defeating.
I realized last night that I work on my recovery when I have nothing else to do, but forget about it when I am working etc. So, I lose ground.
So, just for today, I went against the grain and ate breakfast.
I think some fresh air would do me a world of good. Now, what I do with that knowledge is anybody's guess!
More later,
Tena
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
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Posts: 2,954
Originally Posted by liveweyerd
Boy, the night sure jumbled up alot of emotions, but looking at it from here, it sounds like the banquet was a great experience. It is great to get to talk to real people in a meaningful and encouraging manner. I tend to take those encouragements and hang onto them like talismans.
Super glad to hear you ate breakfast...i'm downing a few peanut butter crackers to kick off the early morning start....lol. Yeah...more energy and makes you just feel better in general.
Well...i was already feeling SO defeated going into last night...and there were SO many successful people there...and I think it does have a tad bit also to do with what you talk about. I mean, so many that I graduated college with are doing so well....went off to great papers right of the bat pretty much and I feel like I worked my ass off to get the where I was (pre-nerveous breakdown) and now it feels like I have to start totally over from scratch without even a tenth of the energy I had for the first go round (and I mean...look where all that hard work got me anyway...I must be horrible at this stuff or else my hard work would have paid off in some way - like having a full-time job at a half-way decent paper).
And it's like the woman I road with said about one of the photog's working at her paper....that the only time he ever takes a decent pic is when a reporter tells him what the best angle is to take the picture from. "I don't know how he ever got that job to begin with," she said.
And I sank....looking back...It does seem like those feelings started boiling over....only I kept talking about other things so not to have to think about it. Oh and I almost cried with she told of all the traveling their photogs get to do. AND my former photojournalist teach from college....was sent several state's away (by his great paper) to cover one of the American Idol winners. He's a GREAT photog...one of the best. I guess....a big part of me (some 5 years ago in his class) thought by now that I would at least be employeed in a job like his....afterall....that's what I was going to school for and thought I was good at?
And I'm so tired of people asking me what time I went to bed...and telling me it's not good to sleep so damn much....they don't understand that i have VERY little control over it and trying to explain that...and knowing they can't grasp that.
Yes....I'm tired of fighting so much and trying to be strong....I've always been such a weak person...and times like this I wonder if all my pushing and pushing and trying to stand strong are worth anything.
functioning...normal?
No...not for me or you...
And just think what we can each do when we are able to function...
and high-function....not sure what that is, but I know that my over-functioning days just got me into bad shape in the end...
oh to be normal
yes...you must continue to work your recovery all the time...it's a must for us...we can't let up unfortunately or we get in a bad way pretty fast.
Eating breakfast is great!
First time in my life that I've actually started eating breakfast everyday (well outside of gradeschool anyway)....and now I actually wake up hungry....weird...i'm still getting use to that.
Awe....baby steps dear friend....you did so awsome by eating breakfast...eventually I hope we'll both start adding fresh air to the early day meal.
love ya sis...
A picture's worth a 1000 words
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Join Date: Aug 2004
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so yeah...i'm sleepy, but not so depressed...
I don't usually drink, but I think those 2 fuzzy navels played a big part in last night's (early this morning's) little depressive spat.
I don't usually drink, but I think those 2 fuzzy navels played a big part in last night's (early this morning's) little depressive spat.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
The only time I can drink is with a real meal otherwise I just feel yukky and down.
I got some fresh air.....I got out of the room and went to my car and drove to the c-store for cigs. YAK
Hey, hubby is depressive too....makes it awfully easy for us to sleep away our lives.
Right now we just see ourselves in a holding pattern.
need to go down the hall to get drinks and "food"
back shortly
I got some fresh air.....I got out of the room and went to my car and drove to the c-store for cigs. YAK
Hey, hubby is depressive too....makes it awfully easy for us to sleep away our lives.
Right now we just see ourselves in a holding pattern.
need to go down the hall to get drinks and "food"
back shortly
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
Glad to hear you got some fresh air! Way to go!
going to check out your journal now.....yeah.....I'm so glad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
going to check out your journal now.....yeah.....I'm so glad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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