wow...just realized it's been more than a year since i started this one. Time to start year 3 I suppose... hummm...
same story i suppose...different day.
I was a little up for a couple weeks and started feeling things getting overwhelming last week. This week....it's back to barely being able to get up each day. Struggle and more struggle. I've come to recognize it as being akin to narcalepsy. I know it's not...but I truely think it should be listed in the same family since no amount of will power can keep me awake when i'm going through this stuff.
building anxiety and stress each day this week.
Cried in front of my boss for 2nd time today.
a close co-worker made a comment that it's a wonder I don't get ulcer's from constantly going and juggling and multi-tasking to extreme. I've not told anyone there of my bipolar diagnosis, but have mentioned being ADD/ADHD several times...not as an excuse, but explination for why I struggle with some things and why I still have to work on those issues. this co-worker know much more than the average person about psychology (so he probably has already figured out my bipolar diagnosis)...but i found it interesting of his mention of my caotic juggling of my life.
And that's just it...not just work, but my life is a constant caotic juggle...especially after comind down from even a slight "up" episode.
my finances are out of control (still, as usual) and i'm very much ashamed to admit that i've developed a bit of a problem with gambling...that is sure to become more than a bit of one if I don't address it quickly. I'm really shocked about my cravings to gamble though b/c of a number of reasons, but mostly being around it for so many years (jobs worked throughout college) and never dreaming I would actually 'crave' lossing my hard-earned money! I'm still a bit in the denial phase about this and am very scared.
I have, however, stopped obsessing over the guy/friend...which i am very happy about. But it made me realize that I truely would like to find someone to try for a healthy relationship with...even though it scares me silly due to me still seeing that 'healthy' part as near impossible for me. None-the-less...i have begun having dreams about romance...you know...those beginning butterfly moments when a couple starts getting to know each other and heading toward a relationship....that's the thing i keep having dreams about. Which just makes me feel more alone upon waking. And i must admit that even though i've thankfully stopped obsessing about the one guy.....now i just constantly think about guys! Probably a semi-healthy thing though....just feels rough when i only feel desired by old guys or the unavailable ones.
ah....and my sister...her divorce was finalized about 6 months ago and though her ex has a good job he has hit rock bottom (due to his own issues and gambling...and being so angry and difficult) and now living out of his car. My sister still has the boys, the 3 bedroom house (which she bought) with large pool and spa bathtub, and just bought another vehicle. And what does she do....she has decided to let him move back into part of the house...to help with the boys and the cleaning. URG! I can't stand this man! I've given him so many chances for me to not dislike him, but he is completely insane and the last time he showed up...he started spouting off things to my sister, right in front of me, about how DARE she leave the boys to be watched by ANYONE! He was referring to me babysitting them for 3 hours the night before and to me not being 'fit' to watch them because of my bipolar disorder.
aw....i just realized that I think i discribed this all in my last post. Anyway...sis is taking the easy way out with this arrogantly stupid (and that is not an understatement or a put-down, but actual truth) and VERY verbally abusive man. I felt she was going to do this...i was just hoping i was wrong.
I wish I could shake her to her sense, but then i'd be letting my codie ways get the best of me. She at least knew i would be disapproving (even suspecting I might be super mad at her for it)...and she has yet to tell the news to our mom.
So the job is going well...i'm just getting bored. So i've taken on a ton of after-hours photo events (like concerts and such) to get my montly minimum of "photo-fun"....it's just really starting to drain me. I had an assignment at the governor's mansion this week and I honestly didn't want to go. I never even thought i would get to such a point. I remember how totally thrilled I was to get in that first event (shortly before loosing my job 2-3 years ago) and i've only been there a handful of times since...so I should have been enjoying the assignment to eat a fancy lunch at the mansion that few people get to see from inside the gates and security. So...i worry that i'm starting to take my job for granted. I'm worried that i'm growing weary of it all together. These days i find myself searching assigned events for odd lighting or lit objects to paint abstract images from light with my camera. Even while at the mansion...i was snapping pics of the chandalier and Christmas ornaments rather than paying any mind to what was being said from the speakers (except for those key moments when i had to get that stupid photo for the stupid 'puff' peice). ***sigh***
I have no right to complain....i want to remain thrilled with every day and every assignment. I don't want to lose that excitement and energy.
jabber, jabber....i'm sleepy now