Bipolar/ major depression journal part 2 (year 2)
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
okay....i'm going through one of my typical love-cravings. Today is better than yesterday, but I'm still on a quest for any kind of immediate satisfaction. Men suck. Besides the weight issues I think i'm a pretty good catch and yet no one's interested.
The two guys I was interested in...i've since realized there is nothing more than platonic anything. Don't guys realize that outside beauty always fades, but inner beauty grows even more so over time?
Well it's a good thing i suppose that there's no one in my life right now to lead me off of the path i'm on....which i'm not sure what path that is anymore though.
I'm sicker physically than i've been in a very long time, but luckily have a few days off of work to rest...
I haven't been sleeping much lately, which I know is keeping me from getting over the sinitus, bronchitus and whatever else I've got.
I've been scared too. When I get this junk and walk out into the cold air I feel my lungs tighten. If I die before 50...it will be b/c of my lungs and not getting enough oxygen. I know from experience that after about 20 minutes of struggling to breath...the pain starts going away and things grow calm....so I'm not as scarred of dying this way as I have been in the past, but i'm still quite scared b/c i'm playing a role in my potential death.
I'm a bit worried about my finances for next year. I set up my health insurance to take out a total of around $4,000 to re-emburse me for health expenses, but it's going to be tricky to keep up with it all and to dish out the cash for the procedures first (which is what I must do and then file to be re-embursed out of the pre-tax dollars i'm chosen to have them hold out of my checks....scary part is ...if I don't use it all by end of next year then i lose it.
My first order is to get lasik done on my eyes...something i've needed to do for a while since my eyes are about too far gone for lasik already and the longer I wait the less my chances....and b/c i'm bad about taking out my contacts at night and stuff....and as a person who uses my eyes more than anything else for my job....well this is pretty much top of my list.
Then i'm going to do my best to have some kind of gastric surgery done....either lap-banding or bi-pass. I've got to...i'm tired of being miserable in my skin and there are too many biological and chimical hings going on that I can't control.
Then....I have about $10,000 in dental work that needs to be done (including 4 more root canals and about 16 cavities) so I plan to use the rest of the withholdings to continue working on getting me teeth all healthy and shiny.
In the meantime....i'm trying to stay happy and positive, but it's been difficult. I even find myself continually drawn to job sites even though I'm pretty happy where I am now....so I don't understand that.
I should also confess that brief and flighting thoughts of suicide have danced through my head a few times these past weeks. Despite my efforts to simplify and clean-up and ritualize my life......things still continue to feel out of control and hopeless.
The back of my mind has been toying with the idea of just packing up and moving somewhere and starting over from scratch if you will.
I also miss Live not being around here from time to time.
I hope she had a good holiday with hubby.
Rose has been absent for a long while and I wonder how she's doing...and all the rest of you too who check in from time to time.
i'm SO needy right now.
A big part of me wants to be home doing nothing during this brief time off from work, but another big part of me can't pull myself away from being around my sis and nephews.
oh well....i'm sure this will have all mostly passed by next week.
Hugs,
Jenna
The two guys I was interested in...i've since realized there is nothing more than platonic anything. Don't guys realize that outside beauty always fades, but inner beauty grows even more so over time?
Well it's a good thing i suppose that there's no one in my life right now to lead me off of the path i'm on....which i'm not sure what path that is anymore though.
I'm sicker physically than i've been in a very long time, but luckily have a few days off of work to rest...
I haven't been sleeping much lately, which I know is keeping me from getting over the sinitus, bronchitus and whatever else I've got.
I've been scared too. When I get this junk and walk out into the cold air I feel my lungs tighten. If I die before 50...it will be b/c of my lungs and not getting enough oxygen. I know from experience that after about 20 minutes of struggling to breath...the pain starts going away and things grow calm....so I'm not as scarred of dying this way as I have been in the past, but i'm still quite scared b/c i'm playing a role in my potential death.
I'm a bit worried about my finances for next year. I set up my health insurance to take out a total of around $4,000 to re-emburse me for health expenses, but it's going to be tricky to keep up with it all and to dish out the cash for the procedures first (which is what I must do and then file to be re-embursed out of the pre-tax dollars i'm chosen to have them hold out of my checks....scary part is ...if I don't use it all by end of next year then i lose it.
My first order is to get lasik done on my eyes...something i've needed to do for a while since my eyes are about too far gone for lasik already and the longer I wait the less my chances....and b/c i'm bad about taking out my contacts at night and stuff....and as a person who uses my eyes more than anything else for my job....well this is pretty much top of my list.
Then i'm going to do my best to have some kind of gastric surgery done....either lap-banding or bi-pass. I've got to...i'm tired of being miserable in my skin and there are too many biological and chimical hings going on that I can't control.
Then....I have about $10,000 in dental work that needs to be done (including 4 more root canals and about 16 cavities) so I plan to use the rest of the withholdings to continue working on getting me teeth all healthy and shiny.
In the meantime....i'm trying to stay happy and positive, but it's been difficult. I even find myself continually drawn to job sites even though I'm pretty happy where I am now....so I don't understand that.
I should also confess that brief and flighting thoughts of suicide have danced through my head a few times these past weeks. Despite my efforts to simplify and clean-up and ritualize my life......things still continue to feel out of control and hopeless.
The back of my mind has been toying with the idea of just packing up and moving somewhere and starting over from scratch if you will.
I also miss Live not being around here from time to time.
I hope she had a good holiday with hubby.
Rose has been absent for a long while and I wonder how she's doing...and all the rest of you too who check in from time to time.
i'm SO needy right now.
A big part of me wants to be home doing nothing during this brief time off from work, but another big part of me can't pull myself away from being around my sis and nephews.
oh well....i'm sure this will have all mostly passed by next week.
Hugs,
Jenna
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
good to hear from you dear....hope you are well and hope you had great holiday!
I'm feeling better today....the anti'bs are starting to attack the bad virus stuffs...
I'm feeling better today....the anti'bs are starting to attack the bad virus stuffs...
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
wow...just realized it's been more than a year since i started this one. Time to start year 3 I suppose... hummm...
same story i suppose...different day.
I was a little up for a couple weeks and started feeling things getting overwhelming last week. This week....it's back to barely being able to get up each day. Struggle and more struggle. I've come to recognize it as being akin to narcalepsy. I know it's not...but I truely think it should be listed in the same family since no amount of will power can keep me awake when i'm going through this stuff.
building anxiety and stress each day this week.
Cried in front of my boss for 2nd time today.
a close co-worker made a comment that it's a wonder I don't get ulcer's from constantly going and juggling and multi-tasking to extreme. I've not told anyone there of my bipolar diagnosis, but have mentioned being ADD/ADHD several times...not as an excuse, but explination for why I struggle with some things and why I still have to work on those issues. this co-worker know much more than the average person about psychology (so he probably has already figured out my bipolar diagnosis)...but i found it interesting of his mention of my caotic juggling of my life.
And that's just it...not just work, but my life is a constant caotic juggle...especially after comind down from even a slight "up" episode.
my finances are out of control (still, as usual) and i'm very much ashamed to admit that i've developed a bit of a problem with gambling...that is sure to become more than a bit of one if I don't address it quickly. I'm really shocked about my cravings to gamble though b/c of a number of reasons, but mostly being around it for so many years (jobs worked throughout college) and never dreaming I would actually 'crave' lossing my hard-earned money! I'm still a bit in the denial phase about this and am very scared.
I have, however, stopped obsessing over the guy/friend...which i am very happy about. But it made me realize that I truely would like to find someone to try for a healthy relationship with...even though it scares me silly due to me still seeing that 'healthy' part as near impossible for me. None-the-less...i have begun having dreams about romance...you know...those beginning butterfly moments when a couple starts getting to know each other and heading toward a relationship....that's the thing i keep having dreams about. Which just makes me feel more alone upon waking. And i must admit that even though i've thankfully stopped obsessing about the one guy.....now i just constantly think about guys! Probably a semi-healthy thing though....just feels rough when i only feel desired by old guys or the unavailable ones.
ah....and my sister...her divorce was finalized about 6 months ago and though her ex has a good job he has hit rock bottom (due to his own issues and gambling...and being so angry and difficult) and now living out of his car. My sister still has the boys, the 3 bedroom house (which she bought) with large pool and spa bathtub, and just bought another vehicle. And what does she do....she has decided to let him move back into part of the house...to help with the boys and the cleaning. URG! I can't stand this man! I've given him so many chances for me to not dislike him, but he is completely insane and the last time he showed up...he started spouting off things to my sister, right in front of me, about how DARE she leave the boys to be watched by ANYONE! He was referring to me babysitting them for 3 hours the night before and to me not being 'fit' to watch them because of my bipolar disorder.
aw....i just realized that I think i discribed this all in my last post. Anyway...sis is taking the easy way out with this arrogantly stupid (and that is not an understatement or a put-down, but actual truth) and VERY verbally abusive man. I felt she was going to do this...i was just hoping i was wrong.
I wish I could shake her to her sense, but then i'd be letting my codie ways get the best of me. She at least knew i would be disapproving (even suspecting I might be super mad at her for it)...and she has yet to tell the news to our mom.
So the job is going well...i'm just getting bored. So i've taken on a ton of after-hours photo events (like concerts and such) to get my montly minimum of "photo-fun"....it's just really starting to drain me. I had an assignment at the governor's mansion this week and I honestly didn't want to go. I never even thought i would get to such a point. I remember how totally thrilled I was to get in that first event (shortly before loosing my job 2-3 years ago) and i've only been there a handful of times since...so I should have been enjoying the assignment to eat a fancy lunch at the mansion that few people get to see from inside the gates and security. So...i worry that i'm starting to take my job for granted. I'm worried that i'm growing weary of it all together. These days i find myself searching assigned events for odd lighting or lit objects to paint abstract images from light with my camera. Even while at the mansion...i was snapping pics of the chandalier and Christmas ornaments rather than paying any mind to what was being said from the speakers (except for those key moments when i had to get that stupid photo for the stupid 'puff' peice). ***sigh***
I have no right to complain....i want to remain thrilled with every day and every assignment. I don't want to lose that excitement and energy.
jabber, jabber....i'm sleepy now
same story i suppose...different day.
I was a little up for a couple weeks and started feeling things getting overwhelming last week. This week....it's back to barely being able to get up each day. Struggle and more struggle. I've come to recognize it as being akin to narcalepsy. I know it's not...but I truely think it should be listed in the same family since no amount of will power can keep me awake when i'm going through this stuff.
building anxiety and stress each day this week.
Cried in front of my boss for 2nd time today.
a close co-worker made a comment that it's a wonder I don't get ulcer's from constantly going and juggling and multi-tasking to extreme. I've not told anyone there of my bipolar diagnosis, but have mentioned being ADD/ADHD several times...not as an excuse, but explination for why I struggle with some things and why I still have to work on those issues. this co-worker know much more than the average person about psychology (so he probably has already figured out my bipolar diagnosis)...but i found it interesting of his mention of my caotic juggling of my life.
And that's just it...not just work, but my life is a constant caotic juggle...especially after comind down from even a slight "up" episode.
my finances are out of control (still, as usual) and i'm very much ashamed to admit that i've developed a bit of a problem with gambling...that is sure to become more than a bit of one if I don't address it quickly. I'm really shocked about my cravings to gamble though b/c of a number of reasons, but mostly being around it for so many years (jobs worked throughout college) and never dreaming I would actually 'crave' lossing my hard-earned money! I'm still a bit in the denial phase about this and am very scared.
I have, however, stopped obsessing over the guy/friend...which i am very happy about. But it made me realize that I truely would like to find someone to try for a healthy relationship with...even though it scares me silly due to me still seeing that 'healthy' part as near impossible for me. None-the-less...i have begun having dreams about romance...you know...those beginning butterfly moments when a couple starts getting to know each other and heading toward a relationship....that's the thing i keep having dreams about. Which just makes me feel more alone upon waking. And i must admit that even though i've thankfully stopped obsessing about the one guy.....now i just constantly think about guys! Probably a semi-healthy thing though....just feels rough when i only feel desired by old guys or the unavailable ones.
ah....and my sister...her divorce was finalized about 6 months ago and though her ex has a good job he has hit rock bottom (due to his own issues and gambling...and being so angry and difficult) and now living out of his car. My sister still has the boys, the 3 bedroom house (which she bought) with large pool and spa bathtub, and just bought another vehicle. And what does she do....she has decided to let him move back into part of the house...to help with the boys and the cleaning. URG! I can't stand this man! I've given him so many chances for me to not dislike him, but he is completely insane and the last time he showed up...he started spouting off things to my sister, right in front of me, about how DARE she leave the boys to be watched by ANYONE! He was referring to me babysitting them for 3 hours the night before and to me not being 'fit' to watch them because of my bipolar disorder.
aw....i just realized that I think i discribed this all in my last post. Anyway...sis is taking the easy way out with this arrogantly stupid (and that is not an understatement or a put-down, but actual truth) and VERY verbally abusive man. I felt she was going to do this...i was just hoping i was wrong.
I wish I could shake her to her sense, but then i'd be letting my codie ways get the best of me. She at least knew i would be disapproving (even suspecting I might be super mad at her for it)...and she has yet to tell the news to our mom.
So the job is going well...i'm just getting bored. So i've taken on a ton of after-hours photo events (like concerts and such) to get my montly minimum of "photo-fun"....it's just really starting to drain me. I had an assignment at the governor's mansion this week and I honestly didn't want to go. I never even thought i would get to such a point. I remember how totally thrilled I was to get in that first event (shortly before loosing my job 2-3 years ago) and i've only been there a handful of times since...so I should have been enjoying the assignment to eat a fancy lunch at the mansion that few people get to see from inside the gates and security. So...i worry that i'm starting to take my job for granted. I'm worried that i'm growing weary of it all together. These days i find myself searching assigned events for odd lighting or lit objects to paint abstract images from light with my camera. Even while at the mansion...i was snapping pics of the chandalier and Christmas ornaments rather than paying any mind to what was being said from the speakers (except for those key moments when i had to get that stupid photo for the stupid 'puff' peice). ***sigh***
I have no right to complain....i want to remain thrilled with every day and every assignment. I don't want to lose that excitement and energy.
jabber, jabber....i'm sleepy now
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
