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Bipolar/ major depression journal part 2 (year 2) Hi guys, As many of you know I am in year two of this major depressive episode and like i did last year i want to continue to keep a journal as i strive toward recovery. Year 1 thread is called "Please help. I'm in the throws of a bipolar episode and i'm scared!" and can be accessed through this link: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=36767 A few other threads i want to keep tabs on for later referencing: I'm cycling too rapidly and need it to stop!!! http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=37622 Disability Laws and the Workplace http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=41766 Reasonable accomodations for a bipolar in the work place http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=69277 36 Ways to reduce stress http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=69176 LOTS of information for friends and family of the bipolar http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=69079 Alcohol causes anxiety disorders http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=67820 Smoking and mental illness http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=67120 Cutting http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=64454 Question about social security or SSI http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=63328 The Cruise Crusade http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=62973 My lonely and crying spells - April 2004 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=55565 My book list http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=44544 |
year 2: Okay...so what's going on right now? Well i nearly put myself into the hospital last week for the 3rd time since this all began. Although, i had been able to pick up my new meds that Thursday and decided that's all a 4 day hospital stay would accomplish was a med change and to keep me from hurting myself. So since i already had new meds in my hands...i decided to stay with my sister and nephews for safety. However the hospital stay is still an option if i get that bad again or worse. So...I was taken off of Lamictal. My Welbutrin dosage was bumped from 150 mg to 300. I was put on 900 mg Lithium and my doc told me to stop the Cymbalta, but after 4 days the electrical shocks going through my body from withdraw symptoms i was continually getting worse so I went and got my Cymbalta and started on it again. Doctor said take it for a few days and then only every other day....so tomorrow i won't take it and we'll see what happens. Well i know what will happen, but oh well.... Anyway....i hate my doctor, but am stuck with her incompetence right now. My therapist isn't so great either, but she tries. I am on a mission to get a NAMI support group or two started up in my town, but communication is not flowing very freely between myself and NAMI right now....so i need to e-mail them again. My finances are a mess....i had been feeling better and had taken back my checkbook and check card from my mom and was doing fine....then i overdrew my account again and i've even lost my checkcard somewhere (but i haven't told her that part yet). I haven't talked to my dad in about 4 or 5 months and he wants to have a scheduled "chat" before he goes back to Colorado for a while. I'm working on writing him a letter that's been coming for about 5 years or more now. I only have 5 more weeks left to claim unemployment benefits and then i haven't a clue of what i'm gunna do --- probably just go to work doing some low stress job where i can make enough to pay bills...don't know. If my sister and her husband end up getting the divorce they've been talking about then i will probably move in with my sister and help her with the twins. It's been nice being here this week and getting to spend so much time with them even though i've felt so sick. I even managed to make a meatloaf dinner the other night for everyone. My sister says she likes me being here b/c i help with the boys and b/c she's not all alone all the time. It's been helpful for me not to isolate myself although i've retreated back here to this computer quite a bit, but mostly after everyone else goes to bed. i spent about 3-4 hours online the other night looking through a bunch of journalism job boards and i came up with about 15 openings that i want to apply for across the country. One in particular that is a freelance writing job for a magazine where i could write 8 stories a month and make the same as i did working full time for the newspaper! (where i would have to write 8 stories a week plus as many or more photo assignments). So if that one pans out i will be REALLY happy since i can do it all on my own time. Up until now i hadn't been even looking at writing/reporting jobs on the job banks because photojournalism is what i really want to do - that's where my passion obviously lies. But in doing this new search i even found some cool job openings where i would be doing both again. One being a job for Stars and Stripes and working in England! I've been to England once and loved it so this job would be super great for me. See, but then there's the whole illness issue....that gets me bummed. Say for example that i was to get the England job or even a great photog position at a large U.S. paper? IF i could figure out how to finance a move to what ever place would hire me....THEN what happens when in week 1 or 2...when i wake up feeling like i did today and dont' have the energy to get out of bed for more than a couple of hours at a time? I guess that's why i LOOK at the photojournalism job board, but i don't apply for any of them.....i'm just too sick to make a move right now....and especially too sick to start a new full time job. Which makes me sadder than my words could possibly express. Since I turned 16 and immedietly started working.....i've NEVER been this long without working. I worked the entire time that i put myself through college even. Yeah....i think i was out of work for about 4 months during my first major dep. And then out for about 3 months after i graduated and moved and was able to get my career job. But this....with the 3 months medical leave i took and being fired in April.....I've only worked 3 months this year! And all the other times before when i wasn't working for a few months...i went stir crazy after month 1 or 2. Right now....i could care less if i ever HAVE to work again....which makes me feel lazy. My mind has felt very overwhelmed this past couple of weeks....like it's spinning and it's hard to make it stop long enough for me to catch onto a thought. It feels like total caos. And besides my hair falling out, my skin really badly broken out and my teeth deteriating....i don't know what i have to be so stressed about that would cause all that. Well i dont' know if the stress is having any affect on my teeth, but i think it might some how? WHAT DO I HAVE TO BE STRESSED ABOUT??? I dont' have kids i dont' have a husband My mom and step-father let me live rent free in one of their rent houses I have money coming in every week to pay my bills (for now anyway) I have a car I have my mom, sister and nephews who love me Mom and my step-dad even mow my lawn for me! All that and yet i'm more stressed than i think i've ever been before! Doesn't make sense to me. Something i need to get moving on though is moving forward with getting a job discrimination/harrassement/wrongful termination suit in motion. I have the paper work that i need to file for the EEOC and have done about 1/2 of it...but in answering all those questions it brings back everything my boss put me through and i just can't handle dealing with those emotions and feelings right now. Something else i need to do is get moving on filing for social security disability. i have a number to a lawyer who does disability cases, but i haven't called b/c i'm assuming that he will want me to round up information like doctors names and numbers and addresses and the same for the hospitals i went to....and i just don't have the energy to do that either. Then there's all my student loans that are about to go into default again....i don't even want to think about that. And my oven doesnt' work. And my refridge doestn' work anymore either (well actually the freezer stays cold enough to keep milk fress so i'm using the freezer as a fridge...LOL) and my power steering/air conditioning belt won't stay on my car....now they are thinking it has something to do with ohh...something in the air conditioner. Which fall is here so i don't need air, but the power steerings been out for like 1.5 years and you'd think i'd be use to turning that sucker....but nope....specially when i'me feeling like i am today. I can barely lift my own arm....turning that wheel, well i know yesterday i didn't feel 1/2 this bad and it hurt majorly to turn that wheel. That's another thing......anyone else have their bodies hurt when they are depressed? I asked another bipolar about this a couple weeks ago and he said he doesn't and that maybe i have fibromialgia? I had just thought that since this only really happens along side my depression that....that's what it was...was the physical symptom of the depression and that people who think they have fibromialgia actually are dealing with depression? I don't know? I've also got to stop smoking soon b/c of the diagnosis of early stage emphazima....but haven't had any luck yet. Although, with this new higher dose of Welbutrin i've only smoked 4 packs this week (which i would have normally smoked a carton so that's a 60 % decrease in my smoking without even trying...so i'm pretty pleased about that) Anyway, there were some more things i wanted to say, but it's 5 a.m and i'm extremely tired so i'm making myself get off here now. Hugs and thanks for listening, Jenna |
Jenna, Anytime. Keep your chin up. people do care about you. I know, because i am one of them. You will always be in my prayers. KatieRose |
Jenna.... It's a labyrinth gurl... but it's solveable... for myself.. I have to arm myself with knowledge.. It's the key... and baby steps... had to stop psyching myself out... start small... be a success at that... and then build on that.... I had to think of the things that I needed to do to help myself... and then I picked the one I was reasonably certain I could suceed at... and did it... it started with brushing my teeth... and then drinking more fluids...or I knew my bulimia was going to finish me... and then washing my clothes... and cleaning my bathtub... and it went on from there... to medical checkups... taking care of the money thing... cooking.. (still f'n hate it) all the while.. I was working on my recovery... trying to stop the acting out... and reading.. I know for me that I have to keep my life very simple.. keep my stress level way down as well... way down... it's probably shot me into isolation... but... other than the emotional crap.. I probably feel the best I ever have in recovery. and I know SR plays a huge part in that... It'll get better Shutter... you just keep seeking.. and trying... and do one right thing after another... Praying for clarity for you... and strength... and courage... |
Thanks Kate and Bikewench....i need all the prayers i can get. BW - i know what you mean about arming yourself with knowledge. i'm an information junkie too....always wanting to learn more about my diseases and how to fix them...but at the same time i get overwhelmed from knowing all this crap and seeing that it doesn't do me any good. psyching myself out? Been doing that for a year and i'm warn out from trying so hard for so long and with little result. I mean take a few weeks back....the house was a wreck and i had been wanting to clean it up for...well forever....and for several days i psyched myself up to actually get moving and do something about it. Well i started by taking the trash out and by the time i got back in the house i had to stop and lean against the washing machine for a second and couldn't possibly make myself do anything more because i had to go lay down. it pissed me off! Royally! And got me feeling totally hopeless. It took me all that mental energy to get myself moving and then this dam depression and meds has my body so extremely fatigued that i could only force myself to do one thing and felt totally wiped from it! You've GOT to be KIDDING ME!!!!!!!!! This....the girl who usually worked 60 and 70 hour weeks (even though I only got paid for 40)...and NOW I CAN'T EVEN PICK UP MY LIVING ROOM AND DO SOME LAUNDRY! So yeah...i'm tired of "staying strong" "psyching myself out"...whatever. I would venture to guess that there's probably only about 5 percent of depressed people who even have a clue about this kind of depression...where every other day you're entire body feels bruised and sore and heavy and weak....to always wake up feeling like you've been run over by a semi truck and then back over again a few hundred times. There's just so much you can tell a quadrapoligic to do and them be able to do it.....same with this except people don't understand it like they do physical paralysis. i'm not griping at you guys....just griping. i'm tired and cranky today i guess. BUT ON THE POSSIBLE GOOD SIDE: after i finished writing this thread early this morning, i logged onto my state's OPA journalism Web site/job bank.....and after more than 2 years of keeping an eye on area openings....there, last night, popping up on my screen like a little ray of hope....was an opening for a photojournalist at a paper that i've been watching for several years because they have such a great photography department...the two photogs are great (usually beating me in state contests...lol). Anyway....the girl doing the interviewing is one of the photogs (i'm wondering if the guy photog got a job elsewhere and is leaving). Anyway, i've met her before and a journalist who i have as one of my references use to work at that paper as an editor and knows the photog doing the hiring very well. And this particular journalist and i have talked many times before about how she thinks i would love to work there! And she is my biggest fan/peer supporter of my photography work so....well....it all put together means i will have a pretty decent shot at landing the job. And it's only about 50 minutes away where i could drive everyday at first if i have to until i can afford to move! It would all be perfect....Except one thing....i can't even manage to change clothes everyday right now! So even if i got the job i'd prolly get fired pretty quick. But i'm trying not to think about any of that. If it's God's will for me to get the job, then he will provide the physical and mental energy to do it successfully. So please everybody pray that this lithium and Wellbutrin combo works to lift my depression and give me back my energy. And pray that the photog likes my portfolio and resume and that i get the job if it's meant to be! Boy....if those two prayers get answered......I'M GUNNA BE SINGING AND DANCING AND HOLARING AND DOING CARTWHEELS AND WHO KNOWS WHAT OTHER KINDS OF CRAZY STUFF!!!!!!!! Anyway, sis is putting in "Sisterhood of the traveling pants" and she just brought pizza home...so i'm be back on laters. p.S....Boy am i jumpy! It's been so easy to startle me lately....which i have been this jumpy since i came out of day treatment and went back to work that first time last year in October....Hey???? Maybe it's an October thing with me.....who knows? Hugs, Jenna |
Jenna, I will always be praying for you. Let me know if the movie is any good. KatieRose |
it was pretty good...made us cry. I don't know why i've having problems with such an over-exaggerated startle response. Earlier my brother-in-law was home from work and walked in the back door which is about 5 feet from me and i bout flew out of the chair. And the other morning i was asleep on the living room couch and my sis bent down to pick up the remote on the floor near my feet and i didn't even remember it but she said i screamed and about fell off the couch. Or any loud noise the twins make when playing or banging around sends me flying too. I've read that it's caused from the PTSD, but it comes on strong around more stressful times and then goes away and that i don't get? Oh well....this new med change has me running to the bathroom about 20 + times a day. It's really irritating my IBS and that's makeing me feel sick all the time. Anyway...nuf bitch'n for today....gunna go dig through some coping threads and see what "positive" kind of things i can find. Hugs, J |
Borderline Personality Disorder: Originally posted by Erratic - here is the traits of BPD its normaly if you have 5 or more out of 9 of these that you are BPD. some BPD have other things wrong like i have AD anxeity disorder , eating disorder, panic attacks and so on. there is a number of helpfull sites out there not sure if im allowed to give out any or not.. but here is one and the people from this site can take it down if they like.. www.bpdworld.com it gives you alot of info and help.. here is the traits or criteria of BPD hope that some of this helps..once im more awake i might be able to tell you abit more.. . Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment 2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation 3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self 4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating) 5. Recurrent suicidal behaviour, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behaviour 6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days) 7. Chronic feelings of emptiness 8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights) 9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms Anyone with six or more of the above traits and symptoms may be diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. However, the traits must be long-standing (pervasive) and there must be no better explanation for them (for example a physical illness, another mental illness or substance misuse). ---- I'm gunna have to come back to this information later because i know that bipolar, BPD and ADHD are often misdiagnosed because they are so much a like.......but i have strong and obvious bipolar episodes.....although reading this list, well, most of the BPD symptoms fit me too. Is it possible to be both I wonder? |
Another thread i wanted to attach inside this one: Famous Bipolars and others -- the creativity connection http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=68847 |
ok....just pecking around the computer tonight and have found this Web site that seems great for depression and bipolar info and such: http://www.depressionfallout.com/links.php |
A bunch more threads i want to keep handy too: About Shame http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...659#post683659 All about depression http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=74165 the winter blues http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=74164 are u highly sensitive? http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=74163 Self love and self-esteem http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=74154 Feeling like you belong http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=74153 Boundaries? http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=74152 Finding our Enchanted self - fairy tales can come true http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=74151 Poetry as Therapy http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=74147 |
okay....i've FINALLY found something that describes my physical tiredness and heaviness. Aparetly i am not experiencing a major depression, but rather an Atypical depression... Here's the info for me to keep tabs on: Atypical Depression Actually Very Typical From Nancy Schimelpfening, Your Guide to Depression. FREE Newsletter. Sign Up Now! Correct Treatment May Depend on Proper Diagnosis Despite the name, atypical depression is actually the most common subtype, according to Dr. Andrew A. Nierenberg, associate director of the depression clinical and research program at Massachusetts General Hospital, Boston. In a 1998 study, he and his associates found that 42% of participants had atypical depression, 12% had melancholic depression, 14% had both depression subtypes, and the rest had neither. "It's more common than we all think. There's no doubt we underrecognize it,"said Dr. Nierenberg.1 Making a correct diagnosis of this subtype is critical in providing the patient with effective treatment. Although SSRIs and other newer medications are often the first line choice for depression treatment due to their favorable side-effect profiles, very little is yet known about how well these work for the patient with atypical depression. What is known is that patients respond well to MAOIs, but not to tricyclics. Data on newer medications is sparse and inconclusive.2 How many patients out there may be suffering through drug trial after drug trial simply because their physician does not know which medication best treats atypical depressions or does not recognize this distinct subtype? What Is Atypical Depression? In addition to the core symptoms of depression, atypical depression is defined by the ability to feel better temporarily in response to a positive life event, plus any two of the following criteria: excessive sleep, overeating, a feeling of heaviness in the limbs and a sensitivity to rejection. Patients with atypical depression tend to have an earlier age of onset than those with other subtypes (it often first appears in the teenage years). These patients are also likely to have a history of social phobia, avoidant personalities and a history of body dysmorphic disorder.3 How to Treat It Current data suggests that those with atypical depression will respond better to MAOIs (monoamine oxidase inhibitors) like phenelzine than they will to imipramine (a tricyclic). Dietary restrictions and side-effects remain a problem. At the present time, research is concentrating on finding newer medications with better side-effect profiles to which these patients will also get a good response.4 Although more research is needed, it seems that patients may also obtain an adequate response with the SSRIs, but not all studies seem to back up this assertion. In one study, the SSRI Prozac was found to have a response only equal to imipramine, a tricyclic whose comparative response to phenelzine is well-known.5 Clinical trials are currently being arranged to test the efficacy of a new drug, Gepirone, at Columbia University in New York City. Preliminary studies seemed to indicate that it is effective for those with atypical depression. This drug is not yet FDA approved. If you are interested in these trials, please visit Dr. Interestingly, however, drug treatment may not be necessary at all. A study conducted in 1999 found that patients receiving cognitive behavioral therapy responded just as well as patients receiving the MAOI phenelzine. 58% of patients in both groups responded, in comparison to only 28% of patients in the placebo group.6 Implications for the Patient It is important to see a psychiatrist rather than your primary care physician for treatment. Not all depressions are alike nor do they respond to the same medications. A physician in general practice is not likely to have the experience necessary to differentiate between subtypes of depression or to know which treatment choices are more likely to work. A patient may suffer unnecessarily as his doctor tries all the wrong medications. Given the very nature of depression, this only complicates the patient's already depressed feelings. If the patient is forced by insurance or financial circumstances to see a primary care physician for their treatment, they must do the leg work to make up the deficit in their physician's knowledge. This is not as it should be, certainly, but until there is a radical change in our healthcare systems, it is necessary. The educated healthcare consumer who takes an active role in his or her treatment is less likely to slip through the diagnostic cracks. |
okay....well the major depression stuff fits too...so who knows? |
Depression cure for women only (pg 39) http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=16519 |
(Juls posted) It's stress Maximray. Do you know anything about relaxation. It helps to find a good tape, and at night when you go to bed, play it. After awhile, it starts getting easier to relax. There's also a homeopathic remedy which helps me alot. It's called Calms Forte, and can be found in most health food stores. |
Mamabear said, "Hypothyroidism can cause depression, joint pain, cold and/or hot flashes, weight problems and more. If you're borderline (or even under now) it's worth treating. I feel well in so many ways when my numbers are midrange. Good luck w/ this and your hormone level. Isn't it uncanny how complex a woman's body is?" |
Well, as you can tell....i went on a little information scavengar hunt last night looking for information and stuff. I was up till 10:30 this morning and then slept till 6:30 p.m. when i had to get up because i got sick at my stomach. Still not feeling well physically and my nerves are shot from the twins being sick all week and crying and then my sis and brother-in-law have been screaming "divorce" at each other for the past couple days. So i'm going to take a nap and then i'm going home to my own peace and quiet. I dread going home to my living space, but at least i can be alone and not be bothered. Cus i really need to sleep for a few days. |
Not to be too personal, but are you cyling right now? You went from a very manic-like activity (gathering posts all night, etc) to expressing depressive symptoms (wanting to be alone, wanting to sleep, wanting to escape) -p |
Peda, nothing's ever to personal for me.....i'm an open book. Yep, looks like i'm cycling. I cycle all the time, but only get a good cycle about once a month around my girly time. I wanted to take a nap earlier, but i was so stressed out from being put into the middle of the "family" fight that i just decided to pack up and jet. My sis was getting tired of me being there anyway i think because even though i went and fetched for her 98 percent of the time that she needed or asked me to....mostly i just laid around and stayed on the computer and got in the way. And today she said, "you're getting expensive"....talking about groceries. I had went to the store once and replaced some of the things i had helped consume, but....anyway....this new med switch to lithium has me eating up a storm. So I felt some rejection and felt burdensome...etc. And the way my bro-in-law talks so hatefully and loud 99 percent of the time....it triggers my PTSD and I think that's another reason why I jetted so fast. Because he was being stupid and meaner than normal and if i would have stuck around another day i would have ended up telling him off big time. So anyway....the depression and drama and feeling like I'd over-stayed my welcome....sent me running home to isolation. I figured i would come home and fall right into slumber, but I have actually gotten some energy to do some cleaning.....so apparently I've cycled up again for the moment, although my eyes feel tired. Well and in hanging laundry, my body is so fatiqued that it hurt my arms to hang up things....but i forced myself to do it, because it's one of the rare times that I CAN force myself. I think i was a little hypomanic the other night too when I went searching out information on other sites to post in SR. Well, i'm gunna get off my butt for a little while longer while I still can. Thanks for caring enough to ask if i was cycling. Hugs, Jenna |
Jenna, check your email when you get a chance. No rush. KatieRose |
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