would sensible drinking have saved you from alcoholism?
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Join Date: Dec 2018
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A true drunk
I knew I was a true drunk from the first sip of beer which lead to drinking wine, Irish whisky, gin you name it. I can’t have 1 of anything. If going out for a drink would translate into 8 pints and a stop to pick up more on the way home. Sadly it’s none or everything for this drunk.
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Even as a very young man (late grade school, middle school, etc. and then high school and beyond), I was always looking for something in alcohol.
Trying to simply have fun socially while doing it was a tertiary concern at most.
I was too busy trying to see what it could do to the way I felt.
Kind of like with Charles Bukowski, who noted that, when he first tried alcohol as a young man, that he knew he was going to have a very long relationship with it.
It was so mesmerizing to me early on that it had to be able to affect my already confused feelings in a very good sort of way.
Trying to simply have fun socially while doing it was a tertiary concern at most.
I was too busy trying to see what it could do to the way I felt.
Kind of like with Charles Bukowski, who noted that, when he first tried alcohol as a young man, that he knew he was going to have a very long relationship with it.
It was so mesmerizing to me early on that it had to be able to affect my already confused feelings in a very good sort of way.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
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I think my state of mind massively plays into alcoholism.
I also think my impulsive traits early and my need to please people so I'd take things too far with everything I did just for entertain!ent. When you do that people just keep demanding more from you and eventually they get disappointed. So yeah, I think if you looked at your ways, traits or maybe environmental factors you could come up with many possibilities as to why you had that inclination towards alcohol.
I also think my impulsive traits early and my need to please people so I'd take things too far with everything I did just for entertain!ent. When you do that people just keep demanding more from you and eventually they get disappointed. So yeah, I think if you looked at your ways, traits or maybe environmental factors you could come up with many possibilities as to why you had that inclination towards alcohol.
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Yeah bukowski is good example, he struggle to cope with the world and its people. He was an outcast. He says alcohol saved him from committing suicide.
I'm not sure he consumed as much as his books tend to suggest though. I mean could you drink so much and still remember so much details of an event? Maybe, I don't know.
I'm not sure he consumed as much as his books tend to suggest though. I mean could you drink so much and still remember so much details of an event? Maybe, I don't know.
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Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 111
I have wrestled with this so much . When I attend AA meetings ,almost every testimony is about taking that first drink and never being able to stop from the get go. I have never experienced that - not from
the beginning . Most of my life was controlled drinking which in my 50’s got into problem drinking while going through menopause and what I didn’t realize at the time was an underlying depression . I don’t even know what the point is in this - I just keep debating whether I am an alcoholic or not . Maybe I do that because I don’t want to do the work , but I honestly struggle so much more with the mental health side of things ..... the depression and anxiety . So I keep attending meetings wondering if I should really be there - will the 12 steps help me get out of this three year treatment resistant depression . I know I sound ridiculous; I truly am uncertain .
the beginning . Most of my life was controlled drinking which in my 50’s got into problem drinking while going through menopause and what I didn’t realize at the time was an underlying depression . I don’t even know what the point is in this - I just keep debating whether I am an alcoholic or not . Maybe I do that because I don’t want to do the work , but I honestly struggle so much more with the mental health side of things ..... the depression and anxiety . So I keep attending meetings wondering if I should really be there - will the 12 steps help me get out of this three year treatment resistant depression . I know I sound ridiculous; I truly am uncertain .
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There's nothing ridiculous about it at all rharman, but I'm wracking my brain trying to think of one of those sayings I heard along my recovery journey, something like: "I didn't walk into my first AA meeting because my life was going so fabulously".
I arrived at AA beaten down and feeling hopeless and helpless, and I've stayed because my life is going so well as a result of the program and fellowship.
I arrived at AA beaten down and feeling hopeless and helpless, and I've stayed because my life is going so well as a result of the program and fellowship.
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Join Date: Dec 2019
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Originally Posted by Astro 
There's nothing ridiculous about it at all rharman, but I'm wracking my brain trying to think of one of those sayings I heard along my recovery journey, something like: "I didn't walk into my first AA meeting because my life was going so fabulously".
I arrived at AA beaten down and feeling hopeless and helpless, and I've stayed because my life is going so well as a result of the program and fellowship.
I arrived at AA beaten down and feeling hopeless and helpless, and I've stayed because my life is going so well as a result of the program and fellowship.
Thank you Astro . What is really bothering me about me is that I am doing things , AA included because people are telling me it will help with the depression . Of course I want my depression to go into remission , but I want to be doing this because I know I need it . Not because , like with everything else in my life , someone is telling me it will help , so they must be right . Does that make any sense ? I keep looking to others and constantly ruminating on my phone looking up things all day long to try and find something that will fix this . It’s like I don’t know myself how to fix it or even what to do to help myself . It makes my husband so upset with me . He can’t fathom me not knowing what I need to do to figure my own life out . I feel pitiful .
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Join Date: Dec 2019
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Originally Posted by Astro
There's nothing ridiculous about it at all rharman, but I'm wracking my brain trying to think of one of those sayings I heard along my recovery journey, something like: "I didn't walk into my first AA meeting because my life was going so fabulously".
I arrived at AA beaten down and feeling hopeless and helpless, and I've stayed because my life is going so well as a result of the program and fellowship.
I arrived at AA beaten down and feeling hopeless and helpless, and I've stayed because my life is going so well as a result of the program and fellowship.
I feel like I am going because someone suggested that I should and that it would help me get out of this depression . Also because I was just laying in bed all day . I should be doing it because I feel I need it . It’s like I can’t figure out how to make this better and move forward . I just feel stuck and I have felt that way for three years and now I just want to quit . My husband is very upset because he can’t fathom how someone doesn’t know what to do to figure out what they want and what would make them feel better . I lay in bed all day and ruminate on this phone trying to look up all kinds of things that might make me feel
better. Round and round and round - never getting an answer and just making my depression, anxiety and ocd worse . I just feel pitiful.
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Join Date: Dec 2019
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[QUOTE=Fearlessat50;7043079]It’s very difficult for me to answer that question. I’m in my early 50’s. I had my first drink at 17. I was like other teenagers and binge drank on weekends. I worked hard and partied hard in college - like others. I didn’t see myself as any different from anyone else. There were the “normal” binge drinkers and there were the “total alcoholic” drop outs. Then there were those who didn’t drink at all and that was just weird and uncool.
I thought I took a break from heavy drinking around the time I met my husband at 24. But, no I actually didn’t. I was drinking in secret. I’d stop by a liquor store on the way home from the bus and buy a large beer or a bottle of wine. I always thought it was ok since it was only wine and beer.
When my husband and I moved in together, we drank wine a few nights a week and binged on the weekends. I was successful in my job, though, and after all the Europeans drink every night, so I thought I wasn’t any different.
When my son was born, my life turned upside down. I though I was still drinking to unwind at the end of a long day. But it was never enough. My friends would say, you are stressed, so have a glass of wine. So I would, then the buzz would wear off and I was still stressed, so I needed another glass, and another, etc. I was stressed 100% of the time for years.
I can’t be absolutely sure of my answer since I don’t know if I would have continued drinking sensibly had my son not been born with special challenges. But I don’t think I would have because I never really did in the first place (even though I thought back then that I was fine). I also have anxiety and this as well as alcoholism runs in my family. I think I’ve answered the question now. Nope.[/QUOTE
Similar for me . I drank sensibly until my daughter was born . I was a pretty high strung person anyway, but that was just my make up . My daughter is autistic and for years I obsessed to find the right diagnosis , all the while completely stressed out , always ruminating about it and drinking to ease the pain . Also running a business 24/7 that we also had to live at and raising her there , which was very difficult . Anyhow , she will
always be autistic and it took me a very long time to accept that . Now I am having to accept the fact that I have suffered with depression and anxiety for all these years as well . Stopped drinking three years ago . In a treatment resistant third episode ever since . Wish I could have accepted and handled her situation so much differently in hindsight .
I thought I took a break from heavy drinking around the time I met my husband at 24. But, no I actually didn’t. I was drinking in secret. I’d stop by a liquor store on the way home from the bus and buy a large beer or a bottle of wine. I always thought it was ok since it was only wine and beer.
When my husband and I moved in together, we drank wine a few nights a week and binged on the weekends. I was successful in my job, though, and after all the Europeans drink every night, so I thought I wasn’t any different.
When my son was born, my life turned upside down. I though I was still drinking to unwind at the end of a long day. But it was never enough. My friends would say, you are stressed, so have a glass of wine. So I would, then the buzz would wear off and I was still stressed, so I needed another glass, and another, etc. I was stressed 100% of the time for years.
I can’t be absolutely sure of my answer since I don’t know if I would have continued drinking sensibly had my son not been born with special challenges. But I don’t think I would have because I never really did in the first place (even though I thought back then that I was fine). I also have anxiety and this as well as alcoholism runs in my family. I think I’ve answered the question now. Nope.[/QUOTE
Similar for me . I drank sensibly until my daughter was born . I was a pretty high strung person anyway, but that was just my make up . My daughter is autistic and for years I obsessed to find the right diagnosis , all the while completely stressed out , always ruminating about it and drinking to ease the pain . Also running a business 24/7 that we also had to live at and raising her there , which was very difficult . Anyhow , she will
always be autistic and it took me a very long time to accept that . Now I am having to accept the fact that I have suffered with depression and anxiety for all these years as well . Stopped drinking three years ago . In a treatment resistant third episode ever since . Wish I could have accepted and handled her situation so much differently in hindsight .
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Originally Posted by rharman
I feel like I am going because someone suggested that I should and that it would help me get out of this depression . Also because I was just laying in bed all day . I should be doing it because I feel I need it . It’s like I can’t figure out how to make this better and move forward . I just feel stuck and I have felt that way for three years and now I just want to quit . My husband is very upset because he can’t fathom how someone doesn’t know what to do to figure out what they want and what would make them feel better . I lay in bed all day and ruminate on this phone trying to look up all kinds of things that might make me feel
better. Round and round and round - never getting an answer and just making my depression, anxiety and ocd worse . I just feel pitiful.
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Originally Posted by rharman
I lay in bed all day and ruminate on this phone trying to look up all kinds of things that might make me feel
better. Round and round and round - never getting an answer and just making my depression, anxiety and ocd worse .
better. Round and round and round - never getting an answer and just making my depression, anxiety and ocd worse .
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Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 111
Originally Posted by Astro
It's a cycle I'm very familiar with from personal experience rharman, the only way I could break free from the "round and round" was to force myself out of the house and into an AA meeting or service work, or to get outdoors for a walk or coffee at an outdoor cafe.
At that point were you on meds that made you feel a little better ? Also, maybe you can give me some insight on this . I am really struggling with identifying myself as an alcoholic at AA meetings when people speak . I know this seems like a trivial thing and Inwanr to be careful about how I phrase this . That’s why I asked you about CR because you don’t have to identify yourself in that way . I just feel so defeated and hopeless with my depression , that saying that just gives me something else to feel bad about . I don’t want to sound like I am in denial because I know my drinking reached a point where it became a problem and I also struggle with an eating disorder so I know I need help with these things and so much more . I’m just wondering if the AA route is the right one . I don’t think if I took another drink that it would kill me . I don’t even want to take another drink but I don’t see it as if I have one I will have a hundred. So when I go to meetings , I just don’t feel like it speaks to me . Any insight ? And tough love is ok . I’m just confused . I do need something that helps with an addictive personality and I think the twelve steps are very helpful , but some of the vocabulary, like being powerless over alcohol and having to label yourself an alcoholic everytime you speak just doesn’t resonate. Again , I know I have a problem, so I’m not in denial about it, just not sure about the avenue to address it . Thanks for any insight .
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Saying that I'm an alcoholic is a reminder to me that I am an alcoholic and addict, and that I'm powerless. I need that identifier, but I understand what you're saying. Does your meeting insist you identify that way? There's nothing wrong with trying different meetings until you find one that resonates with you. Even in CR I identified myself as an alcoholic and codependent, but I'm also a child of Christ and that's how He sees me.
Yes, in my first year of recovery I was prescribed an SSRI. I can't say it made me feel better but it "leveled the playing field", we're all unique and our requirements for recovery will be different.
Yes, in my first year of recovery I was prescribed an SSRI. I can't say it made me feel better but it "leveled the playing field", we're all unique and our requirements for recovery will be different.
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Join Date: Dec 2019
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Originally Posted by Astro
Saying that I'm an alcoholic is a reminder to me that I am an alcoholic and addict, and that I'm powerless. I need that identifier, but I understand what you're saying. Does your meeting insist you identify that way? There's nothing wrong with trying different meetings until you find one that resonates with you. Even in CR I identified myself as an alcoholic and codependent, but I'm also a child of Christ and that's how He sees me.
Yes, in my first year of recovery I was prescribed an SSRI. I can't say it made me feel better but it "leveled the playing field", we're all unique and our requirements for recovery will be different.
Yes, in my first year of recovery I was prescribed an SSRI. I can't say it made me feel better but it "leveled the playing field", we're all unique and our requirements for recovery will be different.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: DFW area, Texas
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Originally Posted by rharman
I have wrestled with this so much . When I attend AA meetings ,almost every testimony is about taking that first drink and never being able to stop from the get go. I have never experienced that - not from
the beginning . Most of my life was controlled drinking which in my 50’s got into problem drinking while going through menopause and what I didn’t realize at the time was an underlying depression . I don’t even know what the point is in this - I just keep debating whether I am an alcoholic or not . Maybe I do that because I don’t want to do the work , but I honestly struggle so much more with the mental health side of things ..... the depression and anxiety . So I keep attending meetings wondering if I should really be there - will the 12 steps help me get out of this three year treatment resistant depression . I know I sound ridiculous; I truly am uncertain .
the beginning . Most of my life was controlled drinking which in my 50’s got into problem drinking while going through menopause and what I didn’t realize at the time was an underlying depression . I don’t even know what the point is in this - I just keep debating whether I am an alcoholic or not . Maybe I do that because I don’t want to do the work , but I honestly struggle so much more with the mental health side of things ..... the depression and anxiety . So I keep attending meetings wondering if I should really be there - will the 12 steps help me get out of this three year treatment resistant depression . I know I sound ridiculous; I truly am uncertain .
I'm with you that AA felt a bit out-of-sync with me as my main underlying issues have always been anxiety and, to a lesser degree, depression. In fact when I first went to AA back in 2014, I had been sober for about 3 months but dealing with horrible anxiety. I did discovery many there had similar problems with mental health, but the main focus was the negativity associated with what they did under the influence.
I will say going to AA was a positive thing for me and helped improve my anxiety and depression because at the end of the day I was drinking to medicate those...there are many I ran across in AA with that same scenario. It was kinda a square peg in a round hole at times, but the friendship and caring nature of those in AA was great.
Hang in there!
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Originally Posted by Astro
Yes, in my first year of recovery I was prescribed an SSRI. I can't say it made me feel better but it "leveled the playing field", we're all unique and our requirements for recovery will be different.
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Am I missing the point, or are you saying you think the Abilify altered your brain chemistry rendering you unable to drink sensibly any longer?
I don't know Sammy, but it's a good question, worthy of neuroscientific study. I know benzodiazapines work on the same gaba receptors as alcohol, and believe our brains can get really messed up with both, either in isolation, or combination. I don't understand the role of Abilify outside of it being an anti psychotic. Anyrate I reckon it's worth considering as an hypothesis. I wouldn't be drinking on it though.
Given it's true, Sammy, it's not going to alter the fact NOW. And better not to drink on psych meds, whatever the case.
Personally, I took to alcohol like a duck to water. It eased my troubled adolescent mind. I did it successfully for a while, then it turned on me like a mongrel dog. Genetics were involved too, with a long line of alcoholics in my family. Nature/nurture.
I don't know if I misunderstood your question Sammy, but don't think much research has been done on it if I did read you right?
All that I know now Sammy is that I CAN'T drink. It will kill me, and prevent me from even considering a research paper.
I don't know Sammy, but it's a good question, worthy of neuroscientific study. I know benzodiazapines work on the same gaba receptors as alcohol, and believe our brains can get really messed up with both, either in isolation, or combination. I don't understand the role of Abilify outside of it being an anti psychotic. Anyrate I reckon it's worth considering as an hypothesis. I wouldn't be drinking on it though.
Given it's true, Sammy, it's not going to alter the fact NOW. And better not to drink on psych meds, whatever the case.
Personally, I took to alcohol like a duck to water. It eased my troubled adolescent mind. I did it successfully for a while, then it turned on me like a mongrel dog. Genetics were involved too, with a long line of alcoholics in my family. Nature/nurture.
I don't know if I misunderstood your question Sammy, but don't think much research has been done on it if I did read you right?
All that I know now Sammy is that I CAN'T drink. It will kill me, and prevent me from even considering a research paper.
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