Yikes!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: California, USA
Posts: 1,095
Re: Yikes!
Lurkings,
Changing our negative thinking can be a very difficult process, but we have to keep working at it. I know sometimes for me I just get tired of trying so hard to boost my self-esteem and all the rest. But I also know that just slipping into a funk doesn't do any good either. I'm sorry to hear that when you try to do something good for yourself it makes you feel bad, and I hope that at some point you will be able to feel the goodness that is you. Writing and talking about it is good because it gets it outside yourself. I'm glad you have a good therapist, but I can understand your concern to talk about suicidal feelings. When I was in therapy I felt the same way, because I didn't want my therapist to have to notify the authorities and then have me committed. I wasn't so concerned about being on a psychiatric ward, I've been there before, but I was more worried about my son, and whether or not he would be taken away from me. However if you are that close to it, being committed may be the thing to save you.
Juls
Changing our negative thinking can be a very difficult process, but we have to keep working at it. I know sometimes for me I just get tired of trying so hard to boost my self-esteem and all the rest. But I also know that just slipping into a funk doesn't do any good either. I'm sorry to hear that when you try to do something good for yourself it makes you feel bad, and I hope that at some point you will be able to feel the goodness that is you. Writing and talking about it is good because it gets it outside yourself. I'm glad you have a good therapist, but I can understand your concern to talk about suicidal feelings. When I was in therapy I felt the same way, because I didn't want my therapist to have to notify the authorities and then have me committed. I wasn't so concerned about being on a psychiatric ward, I've been there before, but I was more worried about my son, and whether or not he would be taken away from me. However if you are that close to it, being committed may be the thing to save you.
Juls
No expectations!
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,732
Re: Yikes!
lurkings,
No guilt! I forbid it. You do plenty for me without even knowing it. And I truly appreciate it. I'm sorry you're having a tough time.
I am definitely not skinny. I quit drinking but I still have my gut! But I DID go jogging today. You couldn't call it running, but it was more than walking. Now I'm gonna go veg some more.
Keep hanging on!
Love, Eddie
No guilt! I forbid it. You do plenty for me without even knowing it. And I truly appreciate it. I'm sorry you're having a tough time.
I am definitely not skinny. I quit drinking but I still have my gut! But I DID go jogging today. You couldn't call it running, but it was more than walking. Now I'm gonna go veg some more.
Keep hanging on!
Love, Eddie
I am sure I didn't do it!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Somewhere, Florida
Posts: 213
Re: Yikes!
~Juls~
I am terrified for everything that might come out of me going some place like that. First it seems like a punishment because of how much people really look down on that. Second I could potentially loose a lot like my job and stuff.
Yes, I really like Candy. I think she is good for me. I could possible talk to her without mentioning some things so that I could feel her out but I know it isn't that she would want to call but that she would HAVE to call... I mean it is a big deal.
I know talking about it and stuff is good but I worry about burdening people here with constantly talking about my issues when I might be able to help them with theirs. I don't think it is a bad thing to want to take a back seat to someone else. It is where I am comfortable.
Today I took my niece surfing for a few hours and I just felt horrible the whole time. I feel like I have been suspended in time. I am 21... I look like an adult but I feel about 13. I feel trapped in this disgusing skin. I hate it. It isn't like I need to loose a lot of wieght or anything I just feel like I should look and be a lot different than what I am. I don't feel like I can accomplish anything... I just feel like a kid. I feel like my niece has a higher maturity level than me. I am definitly smart. There is no doubt about that, just the way I ketch on to things and learn quick. A lot of times I say things WAY over her head. I say things way over my co-workers. The next one closes to my age at work is 33 I think. So where am I?
~Eddie~
A lot of people say I help them. I don't see how it is possible when I can hardly help myself. I don't know what it is. I am glad though that I have helped you.
When Court and I were at the beach this morning, I did something a little different. I ran. I HATE RUNNING but today it just felt good and I was running fast and I felt light as a feather. Another thing I did was, I was wearing my spring suit (A short sleeved and shorts wet suit) and I just laid in the water floating. I actually didn't do it on purpose... I kind of disociated but it was. I dissociate a lot, I don't know what to do about it. I just leave this world.
~Lurkings
I am terrified for everything that might come out of me going some place like that. First it seems like a punishment because of how much people really look down on that. Second I could potentially loose a lot like my job and stuff.
Yes, I really like Candy. I think she is good for me. I could possible talk to her without mentioning some things so that I could feel her out but I know it isn't that she would want to call but that she would HAVE to call... I mean it is a big deal.
I know talking about it and stuff is good but I worry about burdening people here with constantly talking about my issues when I might be able to help them with theirs. I don't think it is a bad thing to want to take a back seat to someone else. It is where I am comfortable.
Today I took my niece surfing for a few hours and I just felt horrible the whole time. I feel like I have been suspended in time. I am 21... I look like an adult but I feel about 13. I feel trapped in this disgusing skin. I hate it. It isn't like I need to loose a lot of wieght or anything I just feel like I should look and be a lot different than what I am. I don't feel like I can accomplish anything... I just feel like a kid. I feel like my niece has a higher maturity level than me. I am definitly smart. There is no doubt about that, just the way I ketch on to things and learn quick. A lot of times I say things WAY over her head. I say things way over my co-workers. The next one closes to my age at work is 33 I think. So where am I?
~Eddie~
A lot of people say I help them. I don't see how it is possible when I can hardly help myself. I don't know what it is. I am glad though that I have helped you.
When Court and I were at the beach this morning, I did something a little different. I ran. I HATE RUNNING but today it just felt good and I was running fast and I felt light as a feather. Another thing I did was, I was wearing my spring suit (A short sleeved and shorts wet suit) and I just laid in the water floating. I actually didn't do it on purpose... I kind of disociated but it was. I dissociate a lot, I don't know what to do about it. I just leave this world.
~Lurkings
Member
Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: California, USA
Posts: 1,095
Re: Yikes!
Lurkings,
It sounds like you never really got to have a childhood. I didn't either, and I've learned ways to indulge that innder child without feeling bad about it. when you hear that negative voice coming into your head telling you to feel back, tell it "shut up" and leave you alone.
Juls
It sounds like you never really got to have a childhood. I didn't either, and I've learned ways to indulge that innder child without feeling bad about it. when you hear that negative voice coming into your head telling you to feel back, tell it "shut up" and leave you alone.
Juls
No expectations!
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,732
Re: Yikes!
They say people who've been abused do get stuck at the age when they were abused. I'm not quite sure what that means, but if that's true, then I'm about three. And it's about time I had a happy childhood! But it's also time for me to grow up. I find it all very confusing. I guess like so many things, it's a matter of balance. I have to find that balance between nurturing my inner child and being a responsible adult. Sigh...
Really running is great. And just floating is good, too. I love being in water. But Friday I just kind of plodded rather than ran and I was so sore yesterday! Actually, I'm still sore today. I'm just not used to jogging; it's been so long. But I think I might try again today or tomorrow. This time I'll stretch out more afterwards for sure. Hope you're both having a great day!
Love, Eddie
Really running is great. And just floating is good, too. I love being in water. But Friday I just kind of plodded rather than ran and I was so sore yesterday! Actually, I'm still sore today. I'm just not used to jogging; it's been so long. But I think I might try again today or tomorrow. This time I'll stretch out more afterwards for sure. Hope you're both having a great day!
Love, Eddie
I am sure I didn't do it!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Somewhere, Florida
Posts: 213
Re: Yikes!
~Juls~
I guess I didn't... Never really put much thought into it. That makes sense, we did talk about it but did combine that to the conversation. Does it get better? Does that child grow up?
~Eddie~
Yes, I agree it is hard to find the balance.
I think my meds to work. Yesterday I forgot to take them and although I did fine when I took it today I just realized how much better I am doing today... Like more clear.
I did a lot yesterday! I went to the beach, went to a baby shower and jumped on the trampoline, swam and played v-ball in and out of the pool. Then I baby sat from 7 to 2 am. I am a little sore today. But I felt wierd a little bit and today, since I remembered my meds I am doing better clear thinking... I still feel dumpy though ya know?
~Lurkings
I guess I didn't... Never really put much thought into it. That makes sense, we did talk about it but did combine that to the conversation. Does it get better? Does that child grow up?
~Eddie~
Yes, I agree it is hard to find the balance.
I think my meds to work. Yesterday I forgot to take them and although I did fine when I took it today I just realized how much better I am doing today... Like more clear.
I did a lot yesterday! I went to the beach, went to a baby shower and jumped on the trampoline, swam and played v-ball in and out of the pool. Then I baby sat from 7 to 2 am. I am a little sore today. But I felt wierd a little bit and today, since I remembered my meds I am doing better clear thinking... I still feel dumpy though ya know?
~Lurkings
No expectations!
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,732
Re: Yikes!
lurkings,
Sounds like you had a great Saturday! Did you surf any? I know what you mean about being sore, though. It's Monday morning and I'm still sore from jogging on Friday. Sorry you're still feeling dumpy, but I know what you mean there, too, although last night I seemed to be feeling somewhat cheerful, believe it or not.
I'm supposedly "graduating" from my AfterCare group today. I don't know what I think about that. I've been going weekly for a year! And I have to leave early today for my shrink visit. It's been my only consistent activity for so long. Hmmm...
In addition to my AfterCare group and pyschiatrist appointment this morning, my husband will be joining me with my therapist this afternoon! What a day! I hope with all this therapy activity I can figure out what to do with myself.
Have a great week!!
Love,
Eddie
Sounds like you had a great Saturday! Did you surf any? I know what you mean about being sore, though. It's Monday morning and I'm still sore from jogging on Friday. Sorry you're still feeling dumpy, but I know what you mean there, too, although last night I seemed to be feeling somewhat cheerful, believe it or not.
I'm supposedly "graduating" from my AfterCare group today. I don't know what I think about that. I've been going weekly for a year! And I have to leave early today for my shrink visit. It's been my only consistent activity for so long. Hmmm...
In addition to my AfterCare group and pyschiatrist appointment this morning, my husband will be joining me with my therapist this afternoon! What a day! I hope with all this therapy activity I can figure out what to do with myself.
Have a great week!!
Love,
Eddie
I am sure I didn't do it!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Somewhere, Florida
Posts: 213
Re: Yikes!
~Eddie~
I surfed a little but not much. The surf wasn't good.
You've got a lot of change going on today... I hope it goes well... Fill me in okay?
~Lurkings
I surfed a little but not much. The surf wasn't good.
You've got a lot of change going on today... I hope it goes well... Fill me in okay?
~Lurkings
No expectations!
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,732
Re: Yikes!
A lot of change is right! I graduated from AfterCare, but they told me I could keep coming if I want to. I don't know what I think about that. Then my doctor decided to switch off one of my meds, so I started Straterra for ADD and I'm supposed to taper off my Wellbutrin. Then my therapist talked to my husband alone about me for over half the session! They also got me to agree to go to a 12-Step meeting every day for the next two weeks. So I am being kicked in the butt, huh?
That's my update. Do you see Candy today? I think it's your update turn. teehee. Hope you're feeling better!
Love, Eddie
That's my update. Do you see Candy today? I think it's your update turn. teehee. Hope you're feeling better!
Love, Eddie
I am sure I didn't do it!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Somewhere, Florida
Posts: 213
Re: Yikes!
~Eddie~
Yes, I see her today. I hardle ever really want to go because it is hard but I also always go anyways. I just never feel like talking. I just wish I could do ESP and not have to worry about it.
Honestly I don't think I could have handled everything you went through today. I got upset just reading it. I just can't deal with a lot of that all at once. I couldn't even schedule it to one thing a day because it would be too close together to deal with all of that. Sad huh?
Yeah, I'll give you a update after our session...
Talk to you later!
~Lurkings
Yes, I see her today. I hardle ever really want to go because it is hard but I also always go anyways. I just never feel like talking. I just wish I could do ESP and not have to worry about it.
Honestly I don't think I could have handled everything you went through today. I got upset just reading it. I just can't deal with a lot of that all at once. I couldn't even schedule it to one thing a day because it would be too close together to deal with all of that. Sad huh?
Yeah, I'll give you a update after our session...
Talk to you later!
~Lurkings
I am sure I didn't do it!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Somewhere, Florida
Posts: 213
Re: Yikes!
~Eddie~
Well... We've been talking about finding a new job and stuff for a few weeks. So next week we are going to work on it. We talked about me feeling like a little kid and she says it goes back to me not having a voice when I little so it is hard for me to have one now. She wants me to start saying no to things I don't want to do that I don't have to do and doing more things for myself that are good. Doing it for me and not feeling guilty. She said it will be hard but it will get better. She also wants me to find some sort of security... She wants me to find something that I can associate security with whether it be a blanket or a bear or something of that nature that I can bring so sessions to feel secure and secure at home. She told me of this lady that is older than me that brings a big huge teddy bear to sessions. I'll have to really spend sometime thinking about it.
She also gave me homework... To journal about a type of job I want, why I won't tell her what I want to do and what is something I could find security in... I don't want to tell her what I want to do because I feel like a hyppocrite (sp?)... We have already talked about it here... She doesn't want me to tell her just why I don't. I think she is making journaling assignments because I haven't been journaling for about two or three weeks.
Then we talked about other things and stuff... I can't remember off the top of my head.
Yuck... I have a headache now... Oh, we talked about hurting myself and why it would be okay to talk there versus what I have learned against talking. And about it being safe there and things...
Are you doing better today?
~Lurkings
Well... We've been talking about finding a new job and stuff for a few weeks. So next week we are going to work on it. We talked about me feeling like a little kid and she says it goes back to me not having a voice when I little so it is hard for me to have one now. She wants me to start saying no to things I don't want to do that I don't have to do and doing more things for myself that are good. Doing it for me and not feeling guilty. She said it will be hard but it will get better. She also wants me to find some sort of security... She wants me to find something that I can associate security with whether it be a blanket or a bear or something of that nature that I can bring so sessions to feel secure and secure at home. She told me of this lady that is older than me that brings a big huge teddy bear to sessions. I'll have to really spend sometime thinking about it.
She also gave me homework... To journal about a type of job I want, why I won't tell her what I want to do and what is something I could find security in... I don't want to tell her what I want to do because I feel like a hyppocrite (sp?)... We have already talked about it here... She doesn't want me to tell her just why I don't. I think she is making journaling assignments because I haven't been journaling for about two or three weeks.
Then we talked about other things and stuff... I can't remember off the top of my head.
Yuck... I have a headache now... Oh, we talked about hurting myself and why it would be okay to talk there versus what I have learned against talking. And about it being safe there and things...
Are you doing better today?
~Lurkings
No expectations!
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,732
Re: Yikes!
That does sound intense! If I could, I'd let you borrow my bunny. He's very soothing. Yesterday was a good day. I am doing better, I think. We'll have to see how today goes, though. Hope you have a good one!
Love, Eddie
Love, Eddie
I am sure I didn't do it!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Somewhere, Florida
Posts: 213
Re: Yikes!
~Eddie~
I remembered something else we talked about but then I forgot! I am getting a little concerned though because when I recall back to the room we were in she is sitting differently than where she really sits. Like she sits next to me on the couch but everytime I look back she is sitting in the chair across from me. I wonder what that is about.
Thanks for the offer for the bunny! I appreciate it! I don't know what I am going to bring. I think it might be my blanket. I woke up holding it tightly today. So... I have always been a blanket baby too!
I hope today goes GREAT for you! You deserve it!
~Lurkings
I remembered something else we talked about but then I forgot! I am getting a little concerned though because when I recall back to the room we were in she is sitting differently than where she really sits. Like she sits next to me on the couch but everytime I look back she is sitting in the chair across from me. I wonder what that is about.
Thanks for the offer for the bunny! I appreciate it! I don't know what I am going to bring. I think it might be my blanket. I woke up holding it tightly today. So... I have always been a blanket baby too!
I hope today goes GREAT for you! You deserve it!
~Lurkings
No expectations!
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,732
Re: Yikes!
You're welcome!
Today hasn't been too great. I spent a lot of time in bed. I think my husband may be right that I'm wasting a lot of time with my mom. I went for a walk with her but I didn't go tan or do anything else I needed to do for me. BUT! I haven't had a cigarette in over 36 hours, so that's one good thing.
How was your day?
Love,
Eddie
Today hasn't been too great. I spent a lot of time in bed. I think my husband may be right that I'm wasting a lot of time with my mom. I went for a walk with her but I didn't go tan or do anything else I needed to do for me. BUT! I haven't had a cigarette in over 36 hours, so that's one good thing.
How was your day?
Love,
Eddie
I am sure I didn't do it!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Somewhere, Florida
Posts: 213
Re: Yikes!
~Eddie~
Everything was going okay until I went and got something to eat. Then some lady triggered me and now I am suffering. She touched my back twice while I was in line and I started having these body memories about my abuse and almost had a full fledge attack in the store. I get these extremly sharp pains in my bottom and in my other area from when I was assaulted by the boys. I started having anxiety and cold chills on my legs.
I just e-mailed Candy about it. I hope she e-mails me back. I feel really bad now... I think I need to lay down for a little while!
~Lurkings
Everything was going okay until I went and got something to eat. Then some lady triggered me and now I am suffering. She touched my back twice while I was in line and I started having these body memories about my abuse and almost had a full fledge attack in the store. I get these extremly sharp pains in my bottom and in my other area from when I was assaulted by the boys. I started having anxiety and cold chills on my legs.
I just e-mailed Candy about it. I hope she e-mails me back. I feel really bad now... I think I need to lay down for a little while!
~Lurkings
I am sure I didn't do it!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Somewhere, Florida
Posts: 213
Re: Yikes!
~Eddie~
Yes, I went and laid down. I feel horrible still though. I don't like the kids to spend a lot of time touching me at work let alone a stranger. Have you ever had body memories from your abuse?
Last night I didn't sleep that well. I kept waking up. I woke up at 2, 3, 4, and 5:30. That last time was okay because I just got up and got ready for work. I am tired right now though. My blanket was great last night. I curled up so tight with it. I couldn't stand not to be curled up with it. I am like that at night anyways but this is a new blaket and I was already accustomed to another one so now I am trying to get use to this one. It is getting better though. I think I might go do some clothes and take a nap before work.
~Lurkings
Yes, I went and laid down. I feel horrible still though. I don't like the kids to spend a lot of time touching me at work let alone a stranger. Have you ever had body memories from your abuse?
Last night I didn't sleep that well. I kept waking up. I woke up at 2, 3, 4, and 5:30. That last time was okay because I just got up and got ready for work. I am tired right now though. My blanket was great last night. I curled up so tight with it. I couldn't stand not to be curled up with it. I am like that at night anyways but this is a new blaket and I was already accustomed to another one so now I am trying to get use to this one. It is getting better though. I think I might go do some clothes and take a nap before work.
~Lurkings
No expectations!
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,732
Re: Yikes!
No, I don't get those body memories. Then again, I don't have PTSD either. I didn't repress any memories, so they don't come sneaking out in weird ways. Know what I mean? I can remember just about everything easily.
Have you gotten to feeling better? I hope so. Got anything big planned for the weekend?
Love, Eddie
Have you gotten to feeling better? I hope so. Got anything big planned for the weekend?
Love, Eddie
I am sure I didn't do it!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Somewhere, Florida
Posts: 213
Re: Yikes!
~Eddie~
I wish I could remember everything but it will come in time. I don't want to know because it will be hard but I want to know so that I know where things come from... Kind of bitter sweet. They do sneak up though.
Well, today was okay... I had an issue with my boss. She and I are working on me getting oranized... I am not an organized person but she doesn't follow her own advice and it makes me mad because she isn't even setting a good example. So I talked to her. I pointed out things from the book she isn't doing and how it is affecting me. Then she really didn't want to listen so even though we got it worked out I still had unrsolved feelings... So today I drew her. The ugliest thing and scribbled on it and wrote out all the things I was mad about that I didn't get to address. I am feeling better. I am tired and ready for bed though. Very emotional lately.
I am going to go curl up in my bed with my blanky and snuggle... Perhaps Torey and Emily will join me... If you remember them... I just need some comfort and sleep and tomorrow is Friday! Yeah!!!!
How are you doing?
~Lurkings
I wish I could remember everything but it will come in time. I don't want to know because it will be hard but I want to know so that I know where things come from... Kind of bitter sweet. They do sneak up though.
Well, today was okay... I had an issue with my boss. She and I are working on me getting oranized... I am not an organized person but she doesn't follow her own advice and it makes me mad because she isn't even setting a good example. So I talked to her. I pointed out things from the book she isn't doing and how it is affecting me. Then she really didn't want to listen so even though we got it worked out I still had unrsolved feelings... So today I drew her. The ugliest thing and scribbled on it and wrote out all the things I was mad about that I didn't get to address. I am feeling better. I am tired and ready for bed though. Very emotional lately.
I am going to go curl up in my bed with my blanky and snuggle... Perhaps Torey and Emily will join me... If you remember them... I just need some comfort and sleep and tomorrow is Friday! Yeah!!!!
How are you doing?
~Lurkings
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