JimE

Where to start.....I haven't had a Major depression since I started treatment some 14 yrs ago. The kind of depression that is very painful, losing all interest in things and seeing no way out of it. That is happening now. I'm sure it is situational which makes it different than the one that sent me for treatment in the first place.

It has to do with how I've been dealing with the divorce. For awhile I figured she would snap out of her Borderline when she switched from loving me to just the opposite. Then the mind f**k of wondering what I did wrong, the fact she wouldn't talk to me, her leaving without even telling me she was unhappy.

Then the anger started. I was burned for thousands of dollars. I was left with questions unanswered and I was without her. That lasted quite awhile, the anger. I also noticed that all the sweet memories of our life together were tinged with sadness. Those were the best years of my life and now there's just a giant open wound.

I don't know if I have felt lonely or just missing her but I've never been alone like this. The past week or so things have changed in how I've been dealing with it all. The depression part of the grieving process has set in. I know in my gut now that that life isn't coming back. I don't want another woman.

My pdoc has changed my meds this week. Hopefully this will help. I'm afraid that the situation being the way it is is what needs changing though. I hope that this being an alcoholism board and the fact I've been sober 20 yrs doesn't sway anybody who's new to sobriety away from striving for a better life because someone with time feels so bad. Life still happens, I'm not drinking over this....I just needed to write this out and hopefully take some of it's power away.

Live

I am sorry for your loss. The loss of your married life, the communion with the woman you loved. These are very real and can be entirely devastating. I also went thro a divorce about 3 years ago that hit me like a ton of bricks. I was puzzled and depressed once I got over the anger. Despite treatment for depression it has taken a long time for that depression to lift to be entirely honest. As my pdoc said, I seemed to put my "repository of hope" in that relationship and without it I found nothing to hope in.
Now, even tho' I am with a new man, a much better man to me, it has still taken a long time for the depression to resolve. I have been on the med roller coaster for this entire 3 years. I have gone thro all the motions of healing but my heart did not follow. My spirit seemed broken. Slapped down this final time and unable to "fool myself" into getting up and moving on again after having done that time and time again over the years in the face of illness and of break ups. I do not feel as resilient as I have always been before and I am 52 now and tired of starting over yet again.
All this to say, I feel like I understand. And I am sorry for your pain.
I am no longer depressed but I haven't gotten my stride back. I can only be patient and loving towards myself as much as I can.
Your grief is understandable. I send you cyber ((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))

aasharon90

Hi Im Sharon and Im an Alcoholic.

As you know we never have to go
threw anything alone again. That's what
I learned early on in recovery. Sharing
our own ESH-experiences, strengths and
hopes with others allows them to share
their own and we learn to help each others
thru different life situations.

My 25 yr marriage ended several yrs ago
as I too was well into my own sobriety. I
got sober and continued to grow each day
and my foundation became strong. However
I noticed as my marriage slowly desended
due to recovery changes so did my chemical
imbalance.

I seek help from the right people and delt with
that appropriately as I moved from one marriage
to a gift of another from my HP.

Never have I ever been left alone in my misery,
unhappiness, loneliness, as my prayers have never
been unheard or answered.

Having a program of recovery to live upon and
incorperate in my everyday life, there isnt anything
I need to do alone or by myself.

JimE

Thank you Live and aasharon. Yes the rollercoaster of emotions makes me pause as to post or not. It's weird, I was starting to have some acceptance of the divorce and then my mind became flooded with thoughts and feelings of the good times. I think I've been shutting that out of my mind and them wham.

I was grieving for my dog Woody who I had to put to sleep when she left me and then I had the legal stuff to manage so I stuffed that grieving down deep so I wouldn't be overloaded. Since the divorce those 2 big things combined are a heavy weight at times.

I'm glad you have both been able to let new love in. Thanks again for the kind words.

nandm

Jim, I am sorry to hear you are struggling right now. I wish there were some words that would take it away or make it better but unfortunately, there are not. I believe that the grief we experience when we lose someone to divorce is similar to that of losing them to death. The person we thought they were is dead to us, the dreams we had for the future as a couple are dead, the hopes we had are dead, etc... It is a very painful experience and we do go through a grieving process. Even though I was the one who left both of my husbands I still grieved. It sounds like you were also hit doubly hard with the loss of your dog. Be gentle with yourself during this time. Realize that this is normal and it will get better as you move through the grieving process.

I commend you on not drinking your way through this as it would only make things worse in the long run.

Just wanted to let you know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

JimE

Thank you nandm, I think you're right about the person we married being dead to us now. I like the saying you have in your post......."Depression is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of being too strong for too long." Maybe my trying not to think about the good times finally gave way to just going through the grieving. A part of me is just tired now, tired of trying to make sense of it all.

thanks again, you're very kind.

milo88

Hi JimE,
I too have struggled with depression the last couple of years since my ex-partner died. He was ex because of his addiction, but I still loved him, but his death removed any chance of reunion.
I slipped into drinking as a way of dealing with it but realised at some stage that was only making things worse. But not drinking wasn't automatically the answer either - I was still grieving, still depressed.
Now I am trying to tackle it like a disease. I swim as often as I can, I started eating better. I stopped eating sugar - for some reason not eating sugar can help depression to lift with me. I learned that years ago.
Just thought I'd mention it in case it helps anyone else! I did get involved with someone else but I wasn't ready. It takes time. It sounds like you loved your wife a lot which shows that you are a loving person. One day you'll want to love again, I'm sure. Maybe just not today!
Sorry for what you're going through xxx

Dee74

I'm so sorry for your sadness Jim.

I really can't say it any better than live or nandm did.

Getting through any loss involves some grief and some processing, but I'm thinking of you and I know that you will make your way through this

D

NYCDoglvr

I'm so sorry you've been in the pits of depression. In my 15th year I went into a major depression so bad I couldn't get out of bed. And medication brought me out of it, thank God, or I wouldn't be here today. Keep in touch with your doc and hang on, you can climb out of this.

What I find very troubling is what I call "depression think", very negative self-hurting things I tell myself I'd never think otherwise. And, when depression is bad I don't believe I'll ever feel different.

But it will pass and you will be able to go though this terrible divorce.

Freedom1990

Pain shared is pain lessened, Jim, and I'm sorry you are struggling right now.

I avoided the grief process for many years when EXAH and I split by bouncing from relationship to relationship, which eventually led to me drinking again after 4 years clean/sober.

I hope that as time goes on your pain will begin to ease up. I know too well how deeply depression can affect one, and my wish is that somewhere along the way your despondency lifts and you can smile again, my friend!

Sending you hugs of support!