Dealing
Where to start.....I haven't had a Major depression since I started treatment some 14 yrs ago. The kind of depression that is very painful, losing all interest in things and seeing no way out of it. That is happening now. I'm sure it is situational which makes it different than the one that sent me for treatment in the first place.
It has to do with how I've been dealing with the divorce. For awhile I figured she would snap out of her Borderline when she switched from loving me to just the opposite. Then the mind f**k of wondering what I did wrong, the fact she wouldn't talk to me, her leaving without even telling me she was unhappy.
Then the anger started. I was burned for thousands of dollars. I was left with questions unanswered and I was without her. That lasted quite awhile, the anger. I also noticed that all the sweet memories of our life together were tinged with sadness. Those were the best years of my life and now there's just a giant open wound.
I don't know if I have felt lonely or just missing her but I've never been alone like this. The past week or so things have changed in how I've been dealing with it all. The depression part of the grieving process has set in. I know in my gut now that that life isn't coming back. I don't want another woman.
My pdoc has changed my meds this week. Hopefully this will help. I'm afraid that the situation being the way it is is what needs changing though. I hope that this being an alcoholism board and the fact I've been sober 20 yrs doesn't sway anybody who's new to sobriety away from striving for a better life because someone with time feels so bad. Life still happens, I'm not drinking over this....I just needed to write this out and hopefully take some of it's power away.