Hatred / Emotional Association
Want to form an alliance? :.)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 220
Hatred / Emotional Association
I have a problem with hatred and emotional association. I find myself hating many aspects of my reality--this includes past flames, members of my ilk, and elements of the very world we all inhabit--and I want to do something about it but I'm at a loss as to what I should do.
I fear that it's worth mentioning most of this is derived from the sour experiences I've had for the past 2 to 3 years. I graduated from college back in 2007 with a degree in Information Technology and ever since then, I feel like the proverbial carpet was taken out from my feet. My girlfriend left me who is now married to some other guy who works where she works--a place I always wanted to work at all along--and I also lost my first career job after a year of having it because of reasons revolving around the ex and the simple fact that I was just too unqualified (not to mention that I hated what I did there, anyway).
Because of all this, I seem to emotionally associate things with the above more than I ever want to. I feel at times as if it's the equivalent to the amount of control you have over your dreams because it's practically instinctual or animalistic. For example, whenever I work on websites like I do, I find myself remembering an internship I used to work at where I met my ex-girlfriend. Whenever I listen to 80s music on Club977, I immediately think of my ex-girlfriend and some of the times we had during our undergraduate years. For instance, I might hear a song on the radio and it will make me think of her or the past years worth of experiences... Everytime I hear one, I think about her walking up my old apartment's steps and how I could hear her approaching from my open window in the living room.
I guess my heart is just simply still grieving over her and everything that's happened because I can't help but to think that the things which tore us apart were fixable. To see her get married now after everything we went through is almost too much to take. To see me get fired from my last and only ever career job that I ironically hated is still something I'm getting over for reasons that go beyond this post. And to see me fight everyday to work over 2 student jobs and freelance on the side realizing that I have a degree already just to even come close to helping my grandmother pay for things related to my graduate classes just makes me feel even more pathetic. I'm just so sad and defeated right now... I sometimes hate myself, I guess, and I don't want to be like that.
I guess I'm just desperate to move past this girl, past the emotional association pertaining to the past 2 to 3 years of my life and get some fresh air in my reality. I want to have a happy and healthy lifestyle. I want to one day be able to raise a family. Have a lover. Make enough money to support myself... I just feel so bleak and could use some words of encouragement. Sorry for being so pansy-esque. Ha.
I fear that it's worth mentioning most of this is derived from the sour experiences I've had for the past 2 to 3 years. I graduated from college back in 2007 with a degree in Information Technology and ever since then, I feel like the proverbial carpet was taken out from my feet. My girlfriend left me who is now married to some other guy who works where she works--a place I always wanted to work at all along--and I also lost my first career job after a year of having it because of reasons revolving around the ex and the simple fact that I was just too unqualified (not to mention that I hated what I did there, anyway).
Because of all this, I seem to emotionally associate things with the above more than I ever want to. I feel at times as if it's the equivalent to the amount of control you have over your dreams because it's practically instinctual or animalistic. For example, whenever I work on websites like I do, I find myself remembering an internship I used to work at where I met my ex-girlfriend. Whenever I listen to 80s music on Club977, I immediately think of my ex-girlfriend and some of the times we had during our undergraduate years. For instance, I might hear a song on the radio and it will make me think of her or the past years worth of experiences... Everytime I hear one, I think about her walking up my old apartment's steps and how I could hear her approaching from my open window in the living room.
I guess my heart is just simply still grieving over her and everything that's happened because I can't help but to think that the things which tore us apart were fixable. To see her get married now after everything we went through is almost too much to take. To see me get fired from my last and only ever career job that I ironically hated is still something I'm getting over for reasons that go beyond this post. And to see me fight everyday to work over 2 student jobs and freelance on the side realizing that I have a degree already just to even come close to helping my grandmother pay for things related to my graduate classes just makes me feel even more pathetic. I'm just so sad and defeated right now... I sometimes hate myself, I guess, and I don't want to be like that.
I guess I'm just desperate to move past this girl, past the emotional association pertaining to the past 2 to 3 years of my life and get some fresh air in my reality. I want to have a happy and healthy lifestyle. I want to one day be able to raise a family. Have a lover. Make enough money to support myself... I just feel so bleak and could use some words of encouragement. Sorry for being so pansy-esque. Ha.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Somewhere, our planet
Posts: 174
It sounds like you are grieving what was...this shall pass with time. What has helped me in the past is to try to focus on the day, try to remove "reminders" of past sour experiences from my current life, and focus on putting one foot forward, and then the other, and moving on.
Also...do you ever think about the things you did NOT miss about the girl? It sounds like you are remembering the good times, which is okay, but there had to have been some things you don't miss, right? Maybe thinking about the big picture will also give you some perspective.
Have you tried talking it out with a counselor / therapist? This has helped me in the past...sometimes it's great to just let it all out to an objective listener.
Wishing you the best...take care of you, and hang in there.
p.s. I completely relate to you feeling torn up about learning that she has since moved on and married. I recently found out that an ex I dated is now married. I am happily married, have moved on, and don't think about him. But when I found out he was married...I felt an emotional "pang" about it. Not like missing him, but just the thought that, wow, we both moved on when what we had at the time was so special. But I put it in the perspective that we weren't right for each other, and there was someone else for each of us that was better. Breaking up gave us the chance to each find someone we were better suited to. I think you shared an emotional bond with this other human being, and that can be difficult to let go of.
and one other thing and then I'll go...what are the positive aspects of holding on to her memory? Does it make you feel any better? It sounds like it's making you feel worse....
Sending you good thoughts.
Also...do you ever think about the things you did NOT miss about the girl? It sounds like you are remembering the good times, which is okay, but there had to have been some things you don't miss, right? Maybe thinking about the big picture will also give you some perspective.
Have you tried talking it out with a counselor / therapist? This has helped me in the past...sometimes it's great to just let it all out to an objective listener.
Wishing you the best...take care of you, and hang in there.
p.s. I completely relate to you feeling torn up about learning that she has since moved on and married. I recently found out that an ex I dated is now married. I am happily married, have moved on, and don't think about him. But when I found out he was married...I felt an emotional "pang" about it. Not like missing him, but just the thought that, wow, we both moved on when what we had at the time was so special. But I put it in the perspective that we weren't right for each other, and there was someone else for each of us that was better. Breaking up gave us the chance to each find someone we were better suited to. I think you shared an emotional bond with this other human being, and that can be difficult to let go of.
and one other thing and then I'll go...what are the positive aspects of holding on to her memory? Does it make you feel any better? It sounds like it's making you feel worse....
Sending you good thoughts.
Want to form an alliance? :.)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 220
You bring to light some good points, Trying2Fly. I've always had problems in relationships and I think it's mostly due to how I've been raised in correlation to how those who "taught" me to relate to others--especially romantically. Of course, I'm not blaming others anymore (or at least, I try not to) because now I'm 27 and I'm as much on my own as my financial means allow. With that being said, I accept everything I've gone through now as being derived from my own causes.
I purposely try not to think of the bad things about her because I had previously thought that doing so planted further seeds of eventual hatred, at least as far as my own personal architecture is concerned. I guess the trick is finding the median, right?
As for counseling / therapy, yes, I did try it (I actually did it for awhile before that last girlfiend--then it was mostly about getting past my alcoholic family--and then some during the relationship due to relationship issues her and I underwent). When I began having problems at my last career job, I saw a counselor for awhile and it was horrible--the counselor never even said anything! Once I came back to school, I went back to the counseling center to see some guy for awhile and while it was indeed nice to vent to him, I began to feel as if he was trying to force medicine on me after the 6th or so session. I stopped going after that because I didn't think or believe that the issues I went through at the time had anything to do with some sort of biochemical imbalance. I have to admit that I still don't, too.
The very first psychologist I ever saw (the very first mental health professional I ever saw, I mean) was the best one. He helped me get through the parents' alcoholism stuff and he also helped me through some of the relationship stuff of this last ex. The bad thing is that this guy wound up taking a job elsewhere. From then, on, he was no longer at the student counseling center--which really sucked.
...I guess I could return in hopes of having a different counselor, though?
I purposely try not to think of the bad things about her because I had previously thought that doing so planted further seeds of eventual hatred, at least as far as my own personal architecture is concerned. I guess the trick is finding the median, right?
As for counseling / therapy, yes, I did try it (I actually did it for awhile before that last girlfiend--then it was mostly about getting past my alcoholic family--and then some during the relationship due to relationship issues her and I underwent). When I began having problems at my last career job, I saw a counselor for awhile and it was horrible--the counselor never even said anything! Once I came back to school, I went back to the counseling center to see some guy for awhile and while it was indeed nice to vent to him, I began to feel as if he was trying to force medicine on me after the 6th or so session. I stopped going after that because I didn't think or believe that the issues I went through at the time had anything to do with some sort of biochemical imbalance. I have to admit that I still don't, too.
The very first psychologist I ever saw (the very first mental health professional I ever saw, I mean) was the best one. He helped me get through the parents' alcoholism stuff and he also helped me through some of the relationship stuff of this last ex. The bad thing is that this guy wound up taking a job elsewhere. From then, on, he was no longer at the student counseling center--which really sucked.
...I guess I could return in hopes of having a different counselor, though?
Go ask the Multivax
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
Go here! LAA - Home
Misanthrope
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Indianapolis, Indiana
Posts: 92
You are definately grieving over your ex. You also sound like a relatively sensitive person. It will take time to move on, probably more since it seems like a pretty bad breakup. Just give it time and focus on improving your own career.
Want to form an alliance? :.)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 220
Thanks, Ali, for that link. I'll try to check that out sometime.
Ran, thanks for the feedback. That relationship I had was a huge mess and it's something I'm still getting over as can be seen from this thread. I hate the fact that I hate her, but I think I really do. Everytime I think about her, I grind my teeth and feel an inner rage inside me that takes everything I have to quash it. Everyday since we broke up it's been this way and it's got me thinking more and more about seeing someone about it. I might as well since I have the resources to--I just want to see someone who's actually going to get me somewhere mentally and emotionally (and not medically).
I hate to admit it, but I cried over her today. I guess that's my sensitivity coming out, but again, anyone in my shoes would probably be the same way.
Ran, thanks for the feedback. That relationship I had was a huge mess and it's something I'm still getting over as can be seen from this thread. I hate the fact that I hate her, but I think I really do. Everytime I think about her, I grind my teeth and feel an inner rage inside me that takes everything I have to quash it. Everyday since we broke up it's been this way and it's got me thinking more and more about seeing someone about it. I might as well since I have the resources to--I just want to see someone who's actually going to get me somewhere mentally and emotionally (and not medically).
I hate to admit it, but I cried over her today. I guess that's my sensitivity coming out, but again, anyone in my shoes would probably be the same way.
Go ask the Multivax
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
The opposite of love isn't hate - It's indifference. This would explain the tears. I saw a poll that said it takes us touchy feely types 6-9 months to get over a heartbreak. Anything beyond that ends up having very little to do with the object of our affection.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 664
So many people give up on therapy usually because one or a few therapists. But think of it this way: would you give up driving just because you had a car that didn't work? No, you'd save up and get a new one. It can take awhile to find a good therapist and psychiatrist. Keep trying, and get good at asking THEM questions to get a sense of their therapy style. I had a great therapist for about three years but when my addiction got out of control she said she could no longer see me because she wasn't qualified to treat addictions. So then I saw someone else who was helpful, but not in the way that I wanted. She never gave me analysis or what she thought. Now I have a therapist who tells me exactly what she thinks and what I should do, even when I don't like to hear it. Sometimes I come out of therapy still feeling bad, but it's because it's like picking at a wound and not healing it up in one session. But she's given me tools and homework assignments to do to combat my irrational thoughts and beliefs. DO NOT see a therapist who prescribes psych meds. They are rarely ever good at the therapy aspect of it. Find someone who focuses exclusively on talk therapy, particularly someone who specializes in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which is most therapists these days. CBT would really help you I think. It's all about changing how you think as how you think causes how you feel and behave. It also correlates with Buddhism and mindfulness, which I'm really into now. Buddhism teaches love and compassion for others and self. I decided on my birthday in March I was going to stop hating myself because it wasn't helping me at all in my life, and no one else seemed to hate me so it was illogical.
I had my heart broken once too with my first relationship. Rather than deal with the emotions, I stuffed them down and they later presented themselves as insecurities and anxieties that kept me from having any other meaningful romantic relationships. And we were only together for a few months. I can't imagine what you're going through now. But you have to ask yourself what good is it doing for you to hold onto these painful memories? How is it propelling you forward? Mindfulness teaches us to be here in the present moment, not to dwell on the past or the future. It's very hard to do and is a practice that takes time, but I try to practice it as much as I can.
My whole point is hatred is an emotion. Emotions are dictated by our thoughts and beliefs. Find a therapist who can help you identify what thoughts you're having that are causing you pain and creating hatred and giving alternative, rational thoughts to replace them. I think you not being where you want to be, and your ex-girlfriend being happy and successful, is just compounding the issues you have. Resentment is normal, but if you don't abandon it, in favor of rationality and self-love, it will only destroy you.
I had my heart broken once too with my first relationship. Rather than deal with the emotions, I stuffed them down and they later presented themselves as insecurities and anxieties that kept me from having any other meaningful romantic relationships. And we were only together for a few months. I can't imagine what you're going through now. But you have to ask yourself what good is it doing for you to hold onto these painful memories? How is it propelling you forward? Mindfulness teaches us to be here in the present moment, not to dwell on the past or the future. It's very hard to do and is a practice that takes time, but I try to practice it as much as I can.
My whole point is hatred is an emotion. Emotions are dictated by our thoughts and beliefs. Find a therapist who can help you identify what thoughts you're having that are causing you pain and creating hatred and giving alternative, rational thoughts to replace them. I think you not being where you want to be, and your ex-girlfriend being happy and successful, is just compounding the issues you have. Resentment is normal, but if you don't abandon it, in favor of rationality and self-love, it will only destroy you.
Want to form an alliance? :.)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 220
I started seeing a professional today and I'm happy I did, though I must admit that I'm still not sold on the idea that the issues I seem to suffer from will ever be fixed. I mean, there's only so much ground being optimistic can cover. After awhile, you begin to say, "Well, I guess I am who I am."
I voiced this concern today during an assessment and the people I spoke to seemed to think that we'll pull through okay--we'll just have to see how it unfolds.
One thing that was said is that they seemed to believe that the ex-girlfriend had nothing to do with any of this. I believe that to an extent as I do admit that much of my internal pain stems from my own unhappiness--and not losing someone who was very narrow-minded and selfish with herself. We had good times, but I do believe deep down that once I pull through this storm I seem to be in, I'll wind up being happy she's out of my life. She was such a pain sometimes.
I voiced this concern today during an assessment and the people I spoke to seemed to think that we'll pull through okay--we'll just have to see how it unfolds.
One thing that was said is that they seemed to believe that the ex-girlfriend had nothing to do with any of this. I believe that to an extent as I do admit that much of my internal pain stems from my own unhappiness--and not losing someone who was very narrow-minded and selfish with herself. We had good times, but I do believe deep down that once I pull through this storm I seem to be in, I'll wind up being happy she's out of my life. She was such a pain sometimes.
Want to form an alliance? :.)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 220
One more thing...
They also said that they felt I was being too mopey-groany about stuff and that it was time to stop feeling sorry for myself. Again, I think they're right. Of course, it's all easier said than done.
They also said that they felt I was being too mopey-groany about stuff and that it was time to stop feeling sorry for myself. Again, I think they're right. Of course, it's all easier said than done.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 664
Originally Posted by Wolf_22 
I started seeing a professional today and I'm happy I did, though I must admit that I'm still not sold on the idea that the issues I seem to suffer from will ever be fixed. I mean, there's only so much ground being optimistic can cover. After awhile, you begin to say, "Well, I guess I am who I am."
You do sound bitter and like you feel sorry for yourself. I used to be like that, and on my worst days, still can be. Just don't beat yourself up for being that way. It just perpetuates the cycle. Don't beat yourself up for anything. Your therapist tells you to quit feeling sorry for yourself so you start on the process, but it's not something I feel someone does overnight. Your bitterness and disappointment and self-hatred come from what you tell yourself about who you are and your life. The more you examine those thoughts and come up with rational alternatives, the better off you'll be. You sound like a smart guy, so I think you'll be okay in the end. You just have some demons to exorcise. Good luck.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
