Hatred / Emotional Association
I have a problem with hatred and emotional association. I find myself hating many aspects of my reality--this includes past flames, members of my ilk, and elements of the very world we all inhabit--and I want to do something about it but I'm at a loss as to what I should do.
I fear that it's worth mentioning most of this is derived from the sour experiences I've had for the past 2 to 3 years. I graduated from college back in 2007 with a degree in Information Technology and ever since then, I feel like the proverbial carpet was taken out from my feet. My girlfriend left me who is now married to some other guy who works where she works--a place I always wanted to work at all along--and I also lost my first career job after a year of having it because of reasons revolving around the ex and the simple fact that I was just too unqualified (not to mention that I hated what I did there, anyway).
Because of all this, I seem to emotionally associate things with the above more than I ever want to. I feel at times as if it's the equivalent to the amount of control you have over your dreams because it's practically instinctual or animalistic. For example, whenever I work on websites like I do, I find myself remembering an internship I used to work at where I met my ex-girlfriend. Whenever I listen to 80s music on Club977, I immediately think of my ex-girlfriend and some of the times we had during our undergraduate years. For instance, I might hear a song on the radio and it will make me think of her or the past years worth of experiences... Everytime I hear one, I think about her walking up my old apartment's steps and how I could hear her approaching from my open window in the living room.
I guess my heart is just simply still grieving over her and everything that's happened because I can't help but to think that the things which tore us apart were fixable. To see her get married now after everything we went through is almost too much to take. To see me get fired from my last and only ever career job that I ironically hated is still something I'm getting over for reasons that go beyond this post. And to see me fight everyday to work over 2 student jobs and freelance on the side realizing that I have a degree already just to even come close to helping my grandmother pay for things related to my graduate classes just makes me feel even more pathetic. I'm just so sad and defeated right now... I sometimes hate myself, I guess, and I don't want to be like that.
I guess I'm just desperate to move past this girl, past the emotional association pertaining to the past 2 to 3 years of my life and get some fresh air in my reality. I want to have a happy and healthy lifestyle. I want to one day be able to raise a family. Have a lover. Make enough money to support myself... I just feel so bleak and could use some words of encouragement. Sorry for being so pansy-esque. Ha.