ClayTheScribe

RockyGirl,

What do you enjoy doing? What are your interests? You need to pursue those. I know for me the thing that cut my depression and made it seem more manageable was doing what I loved to do, which, for me, is writing.

Don't worry about this job right now. There will be others down the road. You're going through a rough time in your life right now, struggling with a debilitating illness, how well are you supposed to perform? That's not a reflection on you as person. Sometimes these opportunities just come along at the wrong time. You're only 19, you've got plenty of time to find other jobs and find jobs that you love. You're at a very crucial and tumultous age, but I promise if you can make it to 21, things will start to look up. It's not the end of the road, even if it feels like it. Communicate clearly with your therapist and psychiatrist about what's going on in your head, especially with your hallucinations. Enough people have told you to stay on your meds, so I'll save it. Just know that if you miss one day, it's going to mess up your cycle for the week and you'll feel worse. Plus it might make you suicidal and you do not deserve to die. You're not a bad person or worthless and you are important to people, at the very least the people on this forum. You've just run into a ditch--now you need to get people who care for you and who are looking out for your wellbeing to come help pull you out. Remember that you are breathing, so there's more right with you than wrong.

Take care,
Clay

martha27

Rockygirl; when I was your age I was undiagnosed and unmedicated with bipolar, I had ceased all communication with my normal middle class family, I was living as a prostitute with other protitutes working 7 days a week in the red light district, my boyfriend was a standover man for the mafia, I was completely off in a grandiose fantasty, I caught 2 STD's and I nearly lost my life in a violent incident. I was not addicted to drugs, this was the first of one of my manic episodes, there would be many more and being unmedicated meant I would put my life at risk.

18 years later I have my own business, which is kinda famous, I have a husband and I have the most beautiful daughter in the world, my animals which I love (I know you do to). These days no-one, not even my husband knows about my past I am sharing it with you so you can see how serious not taking medication can be and why the posters here are urging you and also so that you can see you can have a life, you can even have a successful life. I now have my illness under control, a good doctor, the right medication and I live a copletely different life. A life I could have only dreamed of when I was 18 years old.

It is HARD, nonone knows how hard it is to cope with a mental illness other than the people that do, but look to all the role models you have on this site reaching out to you, caring for you and offering their experiences. YOU CAN DO IT, take your meds, look after your health, with stable mind and the right medication this job issue will be a long forgotten hicup - FOCUS ON YOUR MENTAL HEALTH Rocky Girl, you can do it and it will take time, it won't be a quick fix, but you deserve a good life and a happy life

p.s. Thank you to the posters on this thread who offered such sound and gentle advice, thank goodness for people like you!

RockyGirl

Hi, thank you for your words they really mean a lot to me. I just feel so lost all the time but I will continue to take me medication...it just seems like a hassle that I can't be bothered with to be honest...I don't really enjoy doing anything to be super honest ... I used to like reading, writing, drawing, seeing my friends etc but now I don't really take pleasure in any of those things...

thank you so much for your support and help!


Hi,

thank you so much for letting me see that there is a better way of life...the thing is i'm in such a destructive mood all the time that I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel...

I am focusing on my MH...and I will go and see the psychiatrist again...

thank you for your lovely words and your support and help. It really does mean a lot to me.


:ghug

ClayTheScribe

Might I also say, RockyGirl, that it's really important you not go through this alone. While your natural instinct is to stay shuddered inside, maybe because you don't won't to bother anyone else, now is the time to connect with friends and family (unless connecting with family would do more harm than good). If you can't count on friends, try finding a mental health support group--I'd imagine there are plenty in Britain, and lean on those people.

I know what it's like to lose interest in things you once loved doing, that's part of depression, but even under that self-destructive and depressive haze there is something you are passionate about. Chase after that with all the energy you can muster, even if it doesn't seem pleasurable at first. And if you don't know what you're passionate about, now's the time to find out. I know that seems like a heavy task right now, but it will lend to your salvation from this illness. I don't even you being at your age, but this is a period of tremendous growth opportunity and you can't let a winnable illness take away the chance to learn and be happy again. You WILL be happy again and there's no reason for you to hurt yourself, even if you've failed or hurt others. There is redemption for everyone, especially yourself. You are important, even if you don't feel like it. We here love you and we don't want you to hurt yourself.

I'd reccomend doing enjoyable activities that don't take much energy like listening to music you enjoy--what kind of music do you like?--and watching very humorous movies or TV shows that at the very least will make you smile. And don't feel guilty about laughing or smiling, that's just another silly impulse from the depression. I know that gets me sometime. Smiling and laughing will give you relief from depression, even if temporary, and change your mood. The reason you're still alive is because a part of you believes in self-preservation. Go with that part, even though you may feel you don't deserve to or don't want to.

And if you're having problems getting up or staying out of bed, ask your psychiatrist about Ritalin, Adderrall and ProVigil. That'll give you more energy and improve your mood a bit.

I know it's hard to read now, but I want to recommend a book that helped me out A LOT. It's called The Mindful Way Through Depression by Mark Williams, John Teasdale, Zindel Segal and Jon Kabat-Zinn. They are all leading psychologists and it combines Buddhist teachings of mindfulness with cognitive behavioral therapy. Don't worry, there's no religious or spiritual content, it's all based on science. But it's enormously helpful and I'd recommend it to anyone with any level of depression. It's $20US and comes with a disc of meditative exercises (I'd wait to do them until you feel less chaotic), but might be available at your local library.



Good luck and take care

RockyGirl

Hi Clay,

thank you so much for this! You have managed to make this day more bearable...I am now coming to like SR very much it is helping me a lot.

Thank you for all the useful information about the meds and I will definitely be checking that book out as if i'm not too depressed I like to read.

I am very close to my family but I hate to let them know what's really going on in my head because I don't want to hurt them any more than I already have :-(

If I don't feel too depressed I like to watch american dad and family guy...and the music i like varies depending on my mood usually...I like listening from everything from rap to Frank Sinatra so I have a wide variety of musical likes...

once again I have to say thank you so much...it's people like you we need more in this world

:ghug3 xx

Also, can I add you as a friend ? please

ClayTheScribe

That's fantastic, I'm so glad you're feeling better, even if just a little bit better.

Just last week I got my meds out of whack--I was out of Geodon, had ordered some in the mail previous, but they didn't come in time, so I had to use year-old Risperdal, another antipsychotic--I thought I was going to be fired for coming to work late. I got incredibly anxious, went home and drank on empty stomach, woke up with a awful hangover and felt incredibly suicidal. I cried twice that day, and I rarely cry. But when I went into work that day, I told a co-worker about my fears and he said that if I was going to be fired, it would've been the day I was late and that everything's not what it seems at first. He told me about his life, growing up in Watts, Los Angeles, joining the Crips as a teenager, going to prison a few times, but at the end of his story, he said "I'm just glad to be alive." Usually the stories of people worse-off just make me more depressed, but it really put things into perspective and I felt a great deal more relieved. That invited more thoughts like, "So what if I get fired? It's not the end of the world." Now I won't lie, the rest of the week I was a bit anxious, that maybe they were waiting until Saturday to fire me. But they never did. And it wouldn't be the end of the world, because there will be other jobs.

I'm 24 now, but when I was your age I was similar in how much I divulged about my thoughts and feelings. I suppose at least on a subconscious level it was because I didn't want to hurt them and make their burden greater. That lasted until I was 20 I experienced sleep apnea--which is when you're not getting enough air when you sleep--and, predictably, made my depression all the more heavier. I stopped taking my meds, wrote a suicide letter to my parents and roommate and had set a date by which I would be dead. I even scheduled it after Christmas, because I wanted my parents to have a merry Christmas. Then, one day, the heads of the Journalism department talked to me and said how disappointed in me they were because I was risking losing my full-ride scholarship and had performed poorly in their classes, due to not getting quality sleep. That's when I decided I was going to do it, and soon. From there I started driving to see my psychiatrist at the time. I stopped off at a bookstore a bought Upton Sinclair's The Jungle and When Night Falls, a book about suicide. I would come to realize later that was a gesture of self-preservation, and I carried in that vein by writing a note that said I feel I'm going to hurt myself and handed it to my psychiatrist. She took me to the adult psych ward where I spent 5 days.

When I was there my parents came to see me, and I just broke down and told them all of what I was thinking and feeling, and sobbing, of course. I realized then how I had hurt them by not coming to them and telling them what was going on with me sooner. Instead, I had put them through the trauma of having almost lost their son to a curable illness. From then on I was much more open with them, and that helped because I knew they loved me and just wanted to see me happy.

If you're very close with your family, I can bet they want the same thing. Don't let the self-destructive part of you that feels like it has a grip on your mind stop your parents from having a chance to love you and take care of you. Set up a time and comfortable space with your family to talk about what you're going through. Or at this point you may want to share with just one family member, that's fine too.

I love American Dad and Family Guy! Really anything Seth McFarlane does. A lot of people rag on American Dad or say they can't get into it, but I think it's funny, and smart. I actually watch Family Guy more when I'm feeling depressed because it always makes me laugh. I like all sorts of music too, and what I like also changes with my moods. I like listening to Louis Armstrong when I'm down because it's so upbeat and happy music. Funny you mention rap and Frank Sinatra because I have an album called Blue Eyes Meets Bed Stuy with some of Notorious B.I.G.'s rapping over Frank Sinatra songs. Great mash-up.

Of course you can add me as a friend! I've never had a British friend before! I've always wanted to go over there to experience the club life, see all the typical tourist spots, and see where Seal, my favorite singer, lived.

And I'm merely someone who's been through some of the same things you've experienced with depression and I want to offer up practical advise people can use toward alleviating the depression.

Do you go to University, as your brits like to say? It's okay if you're not, as college isn't for everyone. I'm just curious to know if you also have the burden of schoolwork.

Take care,
Clayton

:ghug3

RockyGirl

hi,

thank you for writing back! That is a very interesting story about your co-worker. And I'm sorry your meds didn't come in time I think I would have been exactly the same in that situation.

I am very glad to hear you got over feeling the way you did about suicide...nothing ever seems easy in this world anymore...


I am very very close with my parents and I do talk to them regularly about my problems but I always feel really guilty and I don't tell them half the problems :-( I just don't think it's fair...my mum had a really really bad childhood, she was neglected by her parents, made to feel so low everyday and unwanted...her parents NEVER even hugged her or told her they loved her, she was raped when she was 12 and was too scared to tell her parents because they would have blamed her...she was beaten up repeatedly by her first boyfriend and basically she had a crap life until she met my dad when she was 20.

Mum has said to me in the past (couple years ago now) that she doesn't know i'm depressed because I didn't have a bad childhood...and I agree with her I had a fantastic childhood filled with love, support and security....up until I was 11 then the problems started.

But the thing is I really don't think it's fair on my mum especially because she has already suffered so much....I have said before that if I had parents like she did I would NOT be here now.

That Frank Sinatra/rap thing sounds funny !! I love Seth McFarlane too he is hilarious and I agree with you about American dad....loads of people say they don't get it or whatever but I think it's great


you should definitely come to the UK...whereabouts do you live? England is an amazing place...even though I get sick of it sometimes lol

I really appreciate you sharing some of your experiences...it's nice to know I'm not the only one

I went to college when I was 16 (like just after school) but I don't go to university I couldn't handle that...besides not having the grades lol

Thanks again Clayton!

*Hugs*

Aimee :ghug3

ClayTheScribe

Does that mean she doesn't believe you really are depressed or doesn't understand why? Depression is often genetic, as it is in my case, and you may very well have depression running in your family. Ask your mum and dad about this. And mental illness often starts up when puberty kicks in, it did for me. What's important now is that you do have an illness, regardless of the cause--I had a fantastic childhood as well--and you need to seek the best treatment possible. And it's important they understand that, but they won't unless they know the full extent of your problems.

But you have to see it from her perspective in a different way, mainly that she doesn't want you to go through the same pain she went through, and she can't help you unless she knows all of what's going on with you. You have to understand that she carried you in her womb for 9 months and delivered you into this world. She has a stronger bond with you than you think and she only wants the best for you. Think of it this way, when you were sick with the flu and your mum or dad asked you what's wrong, or how you were feeling did you only tell them that you had a stuffy nose and a cough when really you had a fever and aches and the chills? No! You didn't feel guilty about being sick or telling them how sick you were because you wanted them to be able to take care of you fully. Depression is a mental illness, it's not your fault and you need people's care, regardless of the way your illness makes you think or feel. Fathers and mothers love to take care of their children, that's what they're there for. She obviously wants to be a better parent than her mum and dad, so let her. You're hurting her more by denying her that opportunity. Otherwise you'll learn the hard way like I did. At the very least you need to tell her how you feel about not wanting to hurt her and I bet you she'll tell you how much she loves you and wants to be there for you. Can you do this for me at least?

My favorite character on there is Roger, he's great!

I would definitely love to come to Britain, Ireland and the whole of Europe. Maybe when I get a real job after graduation I could afford such a trip. I live in Thornton, Colorado, a suburb of Denver. I love Colorado--I would encourage anyone to come visit--but I've lived here all my life and I think I need to branch out.

Speaking of England, I know it gets rather dreary and rainy there, and thus less sunlight. Sunlight is important for depression, in part because it gives you Vitamin D which helps with mood and sleep. I would encourage you get a sunlight lamp. It simulates the light you get from the sun and keeps you from going batty. I have one and it's helped me out a lot. Also keeps me energized. There's tons of 'em all over the internet. I ordered mine from Lights of America for less than $60US.

There's plenty of us out there. That's why I encourage you go to a mental health support group and hear other stories. You are definitely not alone.

I understand about not going to university, as I understand it the system is pretty tough, tougher than here in the U.S., and that's not the ideal place for someone struggling with severe depression. And like I said, it's not for everyone. What is your passion or passions? Do you have a dream job or jobs? Or just something you really enjoy, or used to enjoy doing, that's a hobby? Staying busy with something you love to do can be one of the best cures for beating depression. It beats lounging around all day in bed.

Take care and let me know how things went with your parents,

Clayton

Bamboozle

Wow, ClayTheScribe has some great input. Thanks, CTS.

I don't have much to add...except that I had a really great childhood, too. Sh*t happens...I don't know if what I have is genetic or not...I only know that I'm ill and I need to take care of myself.

I hope you are feeling better, RockyGirl.

RockyGirl

I have been trying to find something to do for days now and it just doesn't work...i'm having an awful day today but I am seeing my therapist and doctor tomorrow so I don't know!

Thank you for all your support my friend and once again you really should visit Britain!

Aimee

RockyGirl

thank you Bam! This forums support means a lot to me!