unholy_mess

but tonight I freaked out and cut again. For the first time in...god knows how long. Almost a year. And I know it doesn't erase the whole almost year I had of not cutting but it just feels like a total failure, you know? It's not bad, not deep or even in the remotest sense life-threatening. I was very clean and safe (haha I'm well practiced at this and know how to do it safely...which is both fortunate and sad).
Anyway, the reason I'm posting is because I just had to get it out of me and onto "paper." The longer it's in me, the worse I feel, the more it festers, etc. You're as sick as your secrets. So I wanted to get it out.
So...it happened. It sucks that it did. But I can only move on from here. So, that's what I'm going to do. I just got overwhelmed and resorted to my most basic coping mechanism. Next time, I hope I can do better and try to find a more appropriate and safe way to deal with my feelings. As much as I want to, I'm not going to beat myself up over this because it won't do anything but make me feel worse. And feeling worse is NOT the way to handle this.
Ok that's that. Thanks for listening and being the ears (eyes) to hear what I need to be heard (seen).

Astro

Glad you came back to SR and posted UM, please keep coming here for support if it helps. I'll be away on vacation for awhile but I'm sure our other members will be checking in here. Stay safe, God bless.

Bamboozle

Hello, UM. Stay for a while if you like and keep posting. Take it easy.

martha27

Hey UM, Sorry to hear that you had a set back, I don't cut but I often have my own set backs in my own illness, I had one on Monday and I felt really bad about it for a number of days. But it is just a set back, congratualtions on going a year without cutting, congratulations on sharing your set back and not hiding and I am sure that you have now learnt a little bit more about what triggers you. It can be a shock to be doing really well and to be managing ourselves fairly successfully and then have an 'episode' (I love it when shrinks call them episodes sounds so tidy) feels like their is a sleeping demon in our minds that can wake up at any moment but of course its just us leanring to manage our own illness. Hang in there UM and you are not alone, i really feel for you, its pretty tough sometimes but you can do it and sharing does help, hang in there!:ghug2

ClayTheScribe

Well first congratulations on going a year without cutting. That's more important than your "failure" which is really just a minor setback. I used to cut up until a few months ago and I used to feel the same way even when the cutting was a few weeks apart. You seem to have great attitude about how to go forward, but you suggested you wanted to try some safer methods to cope. The following are some that have worked for me, and for others. I put a * next to the most effective ones:

*-- Go to your freezer and grab a handful of ice or something else frozen. Squeeze it as hard as you can until the urge passes. This gives you a similar endorphin release without the scars. Works great actually.
*--Go exercise. This could be on a treadmill, just jogging or walking briskly up and down the stairs or walking around your block. Do it for between 15-30 minutes, 30 minutes to get the full psychological benefits.
*--Get a rubber band and put it around your wrist. Snap yourself every time you feel like harming yourself. This works.
--Draw on yourself where you feel like cutting with a marker or pen.
*--Do deep breathing. Specifically, breathe in through the nose for 3 seconds, hold your breath for another 3 seconds, and breathe out through the mouth. Repeat. This will calm you down enough until the urge passes.
--Allow yourself to cry if need be.
--Write or say a word over and over that best describes how they feel.
--Force yourself to do something you enjoy or that makes you happy. For me that was watching something that made me laugh or listening to upbeat music. Do something comforting.
--Use the tool for cutting and cut something else, say a block of wood. Often cutting is a way to release pent up aggression, in which case you could punch a punching bag.
*--Masturbate or have sex. You may not feel like it when you want to cut but this is a great way to get an even better endorphin rush.
--Eat something you enjoy. It's not necessarily healthy to replace cutting with eating possibly bad foods, but it's not as bad as cutting.
--You may cut because you're depressed and hate yourself and want to punish yourself. Think about what a friend or even stranger would say about your choice to punish yourself. They'd forgive you. Your family and friends don't want you to hurt yourself life that, think how that'd affect them. Be willing to forgive yourself just this once.
--Most of my cutting happened when I was hungover, drunk or high on drugs. Get yourself into AA or a similar recovery program if that's a problem for you. You may need an antidepressant to adjust your chemicals which can help greatly.
*--Call a friend or talk to a family member. Sometimes talking to a stranger may be best because of how friends and family will react so feel free to call 1-800-SUICIDE or write to The Samaritans at [email protected]. I know it's usually for suicidal people, but they can help with self-help.
--Find yourself a good therapist, preferably one who uses cognitive behavioral therapy. If you're an alcoholic or have a drinking problem, find someone who does dual diagnostic treatment.
--One of the things that made me stop was realizing how it would affect my romantic relationships, that I can't wear shorts and that I can't go swimming.
--Find out why you're cutting and try to deal with that problem.
--Mainly find activities that replace cutting that are equally enjoyable.

Good luck and keep posting,

Clay

unholy_mess

Thanks for your responses, guys! Back on track today. Unhappy about what happened, but, like I said, can't change it. Today's a new day and I can't take back what I did, but what I can do is not do it today.
Anyway, feeling better (little sore, of course, yay band-aids and neosporin!) and much more stable (which is always a good thing)!