BenSmall

I apologize in advance if this gets long. I'm typing this halfway for myself to put thoughts out, and, halfway to acknowledge their existance and hopefully get someone to add some input, maybe.

First and foremost, if this is not the place, I'm sorry. Lock it up and toss it away.

I sort of stumbled upon this site searching Google for perfectionism. I never really considered that as a possibility considering the fact I don't think I've ever completed something that could be referred to as perfect, but hey, thats the problem now isn't it?

I was diagnosed with OCD when I was 19. I've been on Paxil, Prozac, Lexapro and a number of other things. All of them stopped with me not being happy with the effects. It wasn't that they didn't do what I wanted them to, they just caused stomach pains, or I felt like I didn't want to rely on them to live. Felt kinda like cheating through life. People say they saw a difference, I never really did to be honest.

Trying as I may to make a long story short, based on many many things I'm sure I could type for hours and bore the heck out of everyone who braves to read this, I'm basically posting here because I was afraid to do so.

Why was I afraid? Partially because it meant acknowledging that I may have stumbled upon a flaw that I found, but mostly because I honestly have no idea what to do about it.

I really wanted to type out big long examples to prove my point, but in the end, its all the same. It's me trying to find rational reasons for irrational thoughts. Deleting entire things because of slight errors. Absolutely ripping apart myself and others due to losses on things as stupid as video games.

My girlfriend tries really hard to help me put things in perspective, and that means an incredible amount to me. Unfortunately, I feel like i'm being a burden on her, even though she denies it. She has enough problems.

She mentioned to me the other day when she saw me in a stressful situation that it appears as though I grab situations that aren't in my control, make them in my control and fully attack myself when they go wrong... basically her words were that I prepare to defend myself against an onslaught of criticism that doesn't exist by anyone else but myself.

I really just want to make progress on what I'm dealing with. I don't want to argue with someone because they feel slightly different than me. I don't want to flip my lid when someone trips up and can't keep up. I don't want to feel like the slightest details in my life are going to be noticed and completely ruin everything.

It took me 30 minutes to think up a name. It took me another 20 to think of what to write. And in the end, I nearly deleted this post because I feel like this doesn't even belong here. I have a good life, a great girlfriend, and things could be better I guess, but in the end I'm alot better off than most of the world.

I just really really needed to type this out. It's difficult for me to admit that I have no clue what to do anymore. I've been able to get myself through quite a bit. I overcame a nasty gambling habit by forcing myself to gamble till I got so sick of it that I never go back to the casino. Unfortunately you can't really force yourself to be perfect to the point of being sick of it. It just makes the situation worse.

Heres a WEIRD example... Who else sits here and thinks back to something mundane and stupid that happened 15 years ago and gets anxiety? All I did was claim that water purifier worked in 5 minutes, and I got corrected by a jerk of a Scout master (was in boy scouts).. And it made me embarassed.. And to this DAY i can think about that example and want to hide.. literally, hide within myself. Even though noone knows, cares, remembers, and I believe the scout master even passed away. How can I possibly justify being worried about something so stupid? But yet, stuff like that happens, and still continues.

I start making something and realize, oh crap, someone someday may ask why I forgot to do this stupid little detail. Maybe I should go back, start over, try again.. Or maybe someday THAT detail will bother me and I'll wish I had done it right and hate the entire thing.

I'm trying really hard right now not to delete this, so i'm going to hit submit and hide from it for a little while. If this is the wrong place, do me the favor of just deleteing the post so I don't develop another irrational worry about looking like a complete idiot for posting this.

thanks for reading.

historyteach

Hi, BenSmall,
And welcome to the MH forum of SR!

You don't look like an idiot at all. Not to worry.
We all come here and post our concerns, our fears and our worries. By doing so, and by getting feedback from our peers, we hope to minimize these fears and worries, and find the path to a more secure and serene way of life.

I'm happy you've joined us. :ghug

Shalom!

Gretta

Thank you for your share. It was honest and brave and will (believe it or not) help others (in fact it helped me this evening).

I believe the biggest difficulty with mental illness is that those who do not suffer (and I mean suffer) with it, do not understand it. In the past, when I have attempted to create awareness of how I was feeling, or what was going on in my head it was delegitimized. Friends thinking I was exagerrating, or that I was just having a bad day, string of bad days, etc. Luckily, I have an amazing fiancee who is more than understanding and compassionate, (sounds like you do as well, a girlfriend) although I fear is just exasperated by my episodes. I mean, I'm exasperated by my episodes. . .

I completely relate to your perfectionism and OCD. For example, this posting is taking twice as long to write because everytime I make an error I have to go back and retype the entire line. . . did I spell everything correctly. . . did I use impressive vocabualry and sentence structure. . . and most time consuming of all- I am so worried that I am not explaining what I am trying to relay that I repeat the same idea over and over using differnt phrases. It's the same thing I just said- but did the other person understand it as I meant for them to? And geez, how many times have I said "yes" when I really meant no. . . or even better if I make the offer (to do something, etc. for someone). Even as the words "sure, I can pick you up at the airport" are leaving my mouth, I know that it will cause me conflict. But I can't help myself. It's like I just want everything to work out, and I want to be the one making it work even if it means I have to sacrafice for myself. And god forbid something ever goes wrong- I feel like it's always my fault- no matter what. I can't stand when other people are angry.

I am the most critical person in the world, but toughest on myself. Like you, I apologize ALL of the time ( I think you did three times before you even started your post), and try so hard to be "perfect" that anything less is earth shattering. I'm a 28 yr old female, and my MD has morphed over the last 8 yrs. I was online tonight trying to research and pinpoint what's happening to me. I'm diagnosed as BPII, and am up right now at 1:30am in what I fear is the onset of a manic episode. . . it started earlier today which is why I am online researching. I don't expect to sleep tonight, and have to work tomorrow morning which is tough. Bosses don't understand mania. I'll have some explaining to do tomorrow because I took off without word at 11:30am and my hours are 8-4. The mania was taking off rapidly and I was afraid I wouldn't be able to control it. For a perfectionist, when I first experienced mania it was as if all my problems were over. The idea of being overly motivated and energenic was well received as I cleaned my house spotless- organizing everything like crazy- my book shelves are organized using the dewey decimal system (for example- no kidding, please don't judge), and my kitchen pantry is divided into primary categories- Baking, Breads/Cereals/Grains- Canned Items, etc. and then broken down into sub categories and then alpahbetized as best as I can. And for what? I just like to keep them that way- I don't actually want anyone to use anything because I hate when things are out of order. Back when I lived alone, I spent the entire year sitting on the floor because I didn't want to damage my couch cushions. Anyway, just like with everything else the mania eventually turned against me- I feel like I'm going to explode- and no matter what I do or how much I do- it's not enough. The worst however, is that it's followed by a crippling depression.

Anyway, I've said enough- too much. You must think I'm nuts. All I really wante to say was that you are not alone. I know exactly what you're going through.

nandm

Welcome to SR and our mental health forum:ghug2

sugarssweetpea

Welcome & please know that you are not alone. Most of the memories I have are of me doing stupid things. Things that no one remembers - no one but me that is. All negative. Once in awhile, I remember something good & am actually suprised. I find it absolutely amazing that I sometimes make people laugh - just by saying something funny. Man, hang in there & congrats to you for taking the step to hit the submit button. You rock!

respektingme

I had to go back and reread your name because I thought you might be my brother. He sounds so similar. He's in his early 30's and stopped his Prozac last year. His brain never stops. Anyway, he started getting counseling a few months ago. I'm starting to see a difference. I think it's helping to talk out his ideas with a professional to see how others view things. Like one of the things his counselor is working with him on is the extremes he feels and thinks.

My brother used to talk about things in his past, like things in his childhood. To be honest, between the two of us, he had it better. I forgave my parents long ago, but he held on fiercely to some specific events, which were relatively minor. He would replay them over and over. I finally figured out that by my discussing them with him, he was feeding off of our conversation to get really wound up. So I just stopped participating in those conversations. But now he's moved on to social issues, like immigration.

Anyway, just wanted to add that he doesn't do this so much anymore. I hope that means his brain is slowing down a tad. But you might want to consider that option.