BenSmall

I apologize in advance if this gets long. I'm typing this halfway for myself to put thoughts out, and, halfway to acknowledge their existance and hopefully get someone to add some input, maybe.

First and foremost, if this is not the place, I'm sorry. Lock it up and toss it away.

I sort of stumbled upon this site searching Google for perfectionism. I never really considered that as a possibility considering the fact I don't think I've ever completed something that could be referred to as perfect, but hey, thats the problem now isn't it?

I was diagnosed with OCD when I was 19. I've been on Paxil, Prozac, Lexapro and a number of other things. All of them stopped with me not being happy with the effects. It wasn't that they didn't do what I wanted them to, they just caused stomach pains, or I felt like I didn't want to rely on them to live. Felt kinda like cheating through life. People say they saw a difference, I never really did to be honest.

Trying as I may to make a long story short, based on many many things I'm sure I could type for hours and bore the heck out of everyone who braves to read this, I'm basically posting here because I was afraid to do so.

Why was I afraid? Partially because it meant acknowledging that I may have stumbled upon a flaw that I found, but mostly because I honestly have no idea what to do about it.

I really wanted to type out big long examples to prove my point, but in the end, its all the same. It's me trying to find rational reasons for irrational thoughts. Deleting entire things because of slight errors. Absolutely ripping apart myself and others due to losses on things as stupid as video games.

My girlfriend tries really hard to help me put things in perspective, and that means an incredible amount to me. Unfortunately, I feel like i'm being a burden on her, even though she denies it. She has enough problems.

She mentioned to me the other day when she saw me in a stressful situation that it appears as though I grab situations that aren't in my control, make them in my control and fully attack myself when they go wrong... basically her words were that I prepare to defend myself against an onslaught of criticism that doesn't exist by anyone else but myself.

I really just want to make progress on what I'm dealing with. I don't want to argue with someone because they feel slightly different than me. I don't want to flip my lid when someone trips up and can't keep up. I don't want to feel like the slightest details in my life are going to be noticed and completely ruin everything.

It took me 30 minutes to think up a name. It took me another 20 to think of what to write. And in the end, I nearly deleted this post because I feel like this doesn't even belong here. I have a good life, a great girlfriend, and things could be better I guess, but in the end I'm alot better off than most of the world.

I just really really needed to type this out. It's difficult for me to admit that I have no clue what to do anymore. I've been able to get myself through quite a bit. I overcame a nasty gambling habit by forcing myself to gamble till I got so sick of it that I never go back to the casino. Unfortunately you can't really force yourself to be perfect to the point of being sick of it. It just makes the situation worse.

Heres a WEIRD example... Who else sits here and thinks back to something mundane and stupid that happened 15 years ago and gets anxiety? All I did was claim that water purifier worked in 5 minutes, and I got corrected by a jerk of a Scout master (was in boy scouts).. And it made me embarassed.. And to this DAY i can think about that example and want to hide.. literally, hide within myself. Even though noone knows, cares, remembers, and I believe the scout master even passed away. How can I possibly justify being worried about something so stupid? But yet, stuff like that happens, and still continues.

I start making something and realize, oh crap, someone someday may ask why I forgot to do this stupid little detail. Maybe I should go back, start over, try again.. Or maybe someday THAT detail will bother me and I'll wish I had done it right and hate the entire thing.

I'm trying really hard right now not to delete this, so i'm going to hit submit and hide from it for a little while. If this is the wrong place, do me the favor of just deleteing the post so I don't develop another irrational worry about looking like a complete idiot for posting this.

thanks for reading.