2stop

I am so depressed right now I can't see straight. I am trying so hard to think positive and act positive and I am failing miserably today. I can't cry..only feel the tears in my heart. I am so discouraged right now I don't even know if I could cheer someone up and that bothers me, I know it probably shouldn't bother me but it does. There are so many things I really need to take of and I just get more depressed trying to figure out how to do it all with the agoraphobia and panic attacks. I usually can force myself to do it anyways but lately I simply can't. I take Remeron and it just agitates me. I'll run out soon and can't get to the doctor to refill it because they closed my case, I missed an appointment(totally forgot!) The psychiatrist was a real doozy-rude as he could be. I'll get the money up for another doctor in afew weeks I hope. I just feel so rotten inside I want to scream and tear stuff up!! I haven't yet, but sometimes I am so afraid I will just go absolutely nutty and be locked up for good. I have been locked up before, been awhile thank goodness! Well, thanks for listening guys, I am holding on-just barely.

Many hugs and hope too,
Tammie

justaround

Hello Tammy,
Remember that this will pass. I know exactlly how you feel, I suffer bouts of some pretty bad depression (bipolar induced) as well with anxiety that doesn't feel like it will pass. You did the right thing by posting about it on here, it is always good to get out what you are feeling insteed of holding it in and making it worse. Try not to isolate too much, if that seems too hard, which I know it does, then just keep posting on here...let it out. Check out some meetings and talk how you are feeling. There also are DA (depression anonymous) meetings around as well as NA and AA. Perhaps you should focus on yourself for right now and less on helping others. Addicts tend to try and help others in order not to have to focus on their own problems. It could be a trigger. But you deffinitley have been a great accet to this site and have been SO helpful to many. Keep posting, you are doing wonderful. Remember that this feeling will pass!

2stop

Thank you so much justaround. I know you guys understand and I am so grateful for this site and for all of you. I know it will pass evn though I don't feel like it, I am just so MAD about being like this. I used to be so productive and now I feel so useless, I don't want to keep disappointing my two children and my husband. I'll just keep working on my recovery, I have been reading my NA book today. Thanks again for your reply, I hope you are doing well today.

Many hugs and hope too,
Tammie

2stop

Feeling much better... I found my cat!!!! I am so relieved he is finally home. He was only a block away..took up residence under someones porch..I think he liked the girl kitty that lived there!

Many hugs and hope too,
Tammie

Morning Glory

Tammie,

I was just going to ask you about your cat. I'm so glad you found him/her safe.

How is your father? Have you heard anything? You've had some hard times here lately. Don't be too hard on yourself for your depression. Your life has been pretty stressful.

Hugs,
MG

2stop

Thank you for your kind words MG, The MRI confirmed a stroke and he is pretty scared, he has always relied heavily on me for emotional support and sometimes MG I just don't have it to give him...then I feel so guilty. I have watched him be so self-destructive for so long, at 12 yrs old on up I would have to talk him out of slicing his wrists or his neck with the kitchen butcher knives, call 911 cause he OD'd, etc etc. Yesterday when he called he was talking to the nurse when I got on the phone and I thought MY! He's sounds pretty good!...then he starts talking to me and it sounded like he was dying...I just wanted to hang up and escape for awhile. I love my father dearly, it's just really emotionally draining at times talking to him.

I am so excited to have my kitty home, like Pauline told me, my HP knew I needed that yesterday!

My brother is facing some pretty heavy charges and I am so tore up over it. I know i must detach from the pain, feel the hurt and keep moving along in my recovery, sometimes my heart just takes over and I get wrapped around the pain, but you guys have been so good to me and I love every one of ya' Thank you so much for being here! This time I don't think I could've done it alone.


Many hugs and hope too,
Tammie

Morning Glory

Tammie,

I actually got past a lot of that emotional responsibility for my son over this past year. That detachment was one of the hardest things I've gone through. It feels so much better now though. Sounds like you may need to do the same thing with your father and brother. The hardest part for me was feeling like I was keeping my son alive and if I quit he would die. I can imagine you must feel the same way. I actually had to risk him dying to let go. That was so so hard. He's still alive though and I'm so much better. I can still talk to him and don't have to feel responsible for him. I started by telling him that I would not discuss any problems that he was unwilling to do anything about.

Many hugs,
MG

2stop

MG, that is such wonderful advice about telling them you would be unwilling to talk about any problem that they don't want to do anything about. I am going to remember that! It just might help me to restore some sanity to my emotiional state. I always love to read your replies, you always share something to relevant and "just right" advice! I hope you are doing well today. See ya around.
Many hugs and hope too,
Tammie