Thank you, Dee.... reflecting, I can see one of, perhaps THE biggest issue, is my AV using my own insecurity against me.
As quietly, slowly, steadily all around me, cannabis culture has infused the daily narrative - it has grown with subtle intensity. I have a lot of friends who now use casually, recreationally. I have clients who are in the business. I have friends and family in the business. I have this 'romantic' notional history of association between marijuana and some really influential people in my past and all of that combines into this subtle AV sneak attack preying on my not being 'good enough' or being 'broken' because of my own inability to live life in balance with a drug.
Which - of course - is absolutely stupid.
But I think that's maybe the single biggest influence. It's me coming unmoored from my own vision of who I am, who I want to be, what's important to me, my values.
And opening a willingness in my conscious self to accept the nonsense 'rationale' of my AV.
Here's how it goes: "Oh, why not grab some edibles. They really don't cause any harm and you can easily just have a couple now and again"
Next day: Well... heck. Head's still a little bleary from yesterday. Today's not a work day. It'll be a lot more clear with a little.....
Several hours later: "may as well have a few more....... today's shot"
Next day: 'hm. feel pretty down. kinda blew it already. Guess may as well have another to pep up a bit.
Next day: "these stupid things. Gotta just get rid of 'em. They're just trouble. Not even all that fun or enjoyable. Well.... guess I'll finish this package off so there's nothing more to tempt."
And so it goes, just like with alcohol, from a subtle nagging to a 'well, this time we'll just....." to a dependence.
Day Two, waking a bit more clear-headed and present. A night of sweats. A day of work looms....
serenity now.