needtogrowup

hey guys and gals,
I have distanced myself from my love avoid and have yet to firmly tell him that I am not longer his girlfriend. I live in a house where it is not easy to call me. I have in 6 months been focusing on me..and been able to stop the crazy behavior that had me dropping everything to go to him and gave him all or most of my money and all of my engery and time just to be with him. Actually...he is the love addict now..and I am the love avoid. It seems that all my life this has been at the core of my problems. It is wonderful to see in this thread a clear picture of what my life has been.

Ann

psssst, Barb, Pernell still drops around, but I believe he is pretty busy with his own website (I have lost the link but will try to find it), and his counselling and if I am not mistaken he has done a lot of writing on the subject. Nobody, but nobody, could tell it like it is like Pernell. I really love that man, he scared the hell out of me with his wisdom, but I love him to death.

Hugs
Ann

needtogrowup

just have to say...Pernell clearly says it like it is. I no longer blame anyone and my past just makes me more understanding of others with silimar issues.

I loved Pernell's words about alcoholics and their co-dependents as well. He writes such power stuff that I am awed by his wisdom and understanding.

lrywin

I don't solely base my self esteem on them, but its REALLY hard when the last 10 men I've met were all LOSERS (online dating services). And those are the ones I actually met with AFTER the phone conversations/emails to avoid any CRAZY folks. Plenty of those.

I've begun to feel what's wrong with me? I've had some men in my life that were decent, and I was married for a long time, but where are the decent men?

I know there are decent men out there. Even at 45. At the rate of divorce, there has to be some men out there who are divorced and decent. At my age, I'm not interested in anyone who has never been married either.

utopia

thanks all, and jg for taht post about finding it within.
the more im in recvoery i realise that noone can fulfill all my needs and ihave to look at it and accept it, i learnt the hard way but how i had to that my fantasies werent true and how i long for them to come back sometimes, people have tol me that sort of love doesnt exist with the whole swirling skies and birds around us as we kiss and ride off into the sunset. addictions aside, a lot of that comes from culture and media too that once im married or in a marriage like relationship life begins. thanks again. i would love to hear more about how to deal and move away from being a love avoid/addict and to be healthier if theres anything pernell or related stuff.

Pernell Johnson

Hello everyone. I have some very simple suggestions. as you know we are complicated people so "KISS" meaining Keep It Simple Stupid. All jokes aside this is what I suggest.

1. First and foremost know that happiness comes from within. As you wake each morning affirm that you will be happy today!!! No Matter What.

2. For the women who are not in detox or rehab. This is a special mission, listen carefully. I want you to practice being feminine at all all cost.Next I want you to create an atmosphere of "Romance." Can You Hear Me???
I am not finish with this yet but you need one more suggestion.

3. Create and maintain an atmosphere of recovery through sponsorship, 12 steps, NA/AA--Co-Dep. friends. A new playground so to speak.

Back to No 2. Women are romantics at heart but have forgotten how to be romanced. Small things like the curve in your leg and the way you put your stockings on, the way you choose your heels, the type of skirt, dress or pants that you wear and the blouse the coupe d' gra. Please get your mind right first, meditate and think about what it means to be romantic, read and write to yourself on the subject. Be coy, exercise your wiles that women possess, never aggressive or forward, never demanding but always persistant. If I have left something out----Help Me!!! I am trying to remind you that you are to be romanced, courted, dated, revered and loved for yourself not for a fantasy that can never be loved---it is not real. ROMANCE IS REAL.
I promise you that if you master this----recovery is right around the corner.

4. Men, my brothers, we do not know how to be romantic. But we are good students of women who are romantic and demand to be courted and loved. Take a lesson, learn the art of romance including heart felt flowers and cards.
(No Game Allowed). If you are sincere about having a healthy relationship. Learn to be. The before mentioned addictions --love avoidant and love addicts cannot stand up under the heat of this kind of recovery. Men, practice being Men---not Men in Training.

This is simple. I could be wordy and eloquent but that is not the object here. The object is to recover from these dreaded addictions and recognize them for what they are---Unhealthy Relationships.

Suggested reading material-----Stage II Recovery. I do not remember the authors name--look it up on Hazelden.


Can You Hear Me Now!!!!------------------Can You Hear Me Now!!!!!

njriverman

I know for me I have to look at myself... my therapist always tells me we can only attract someone as sick or sicker then ourself.... Gee no wonedr healthy women ran from me!

Angellost

I relate so much to the postings about love addicts and the love avoiders! I am trying to get over a long distance relationship WITH a love avoider, I think...for 4 years. He refuses to talk to or acknowledge me now in any way, even changed his phone number...He is in Canada and I am in PA so he pretty much nixed any way for me to get in touch...
I know we are BOTH to blame for the end...but he blames me-refuses to acknowledge any fault of his own...I am difficult, argumentative, too much trouble...
In my head, I know it was not all me...I see his problems, too, but it is so hard for me right now to get over the self blame and anger. I do know much of what happened was me, and his inability or unwillingness to understand my addictions and problems - to work through them
...I suffer from many issues...abandonment being a huge part of my problems, due to losing my parents and oldest sister at age 12 and being swept up by an unloving relative for the monthly income supplied and moved to another state...not being allowed to grieve or get support and help to acknowledge and work through my losses - being told I was not allowed to cry at night due to waking up my cousin in the room...much trauma and hurt, resulting in no self esteem, sense of boundaries or sense of self. This man knows how much I am frightened and hurt by total abandonment and did that regardless.
I continually fall in love with emotionally unavailable people, or people who DO love me but end up being disgusted with me and not wanting to work through things with me.
This man and I knew each other's problems - depression, loss, etc...and were to be together - naturally I was to give up everything - home, friends, job, etc...and move to live with him - willingly - because I love him...The problem is he never truly loved me, although I think he convinced himself he did. I became a burden. We were best friends before a relationship, confided everything about each other, were very supportive and caring, and I am now totally lost. He doesn't even consider me worth being a friend because he considers me too sick and toxic, I believe. I attempted to erase myself completely from life in my depression and he told me he can't DEAL with me...he constantly sent me mixed messages and then denied my questions regarding insight into his actions.

I need to know how to let go...to stop obsessing...to ease the pain. I am spiritual and am turning it over MINUTE BY MINUTE...by am so tired of grief and pain and shame...

Help?

hionlife

Your experience (clients) was so hauntingly like me, my life...ect that I have goose-bumps. Everyday im trying to convince myself to leave him, but in two years (ive allowed) him to take my soul, spirit, youth. Im convinced I am worthless, ect... I pray this comes to and end or I fear where it will take me. Thank you!

goincold

Wow, this one explains what I am going through now, Thanks for this one I can get a better grasp now, I hope.

roadie58

Oh my God, that Love Addict circle is me exactly. I've recently discovered the cause of much of my depression, drug use, and drinking was a girl who works for me occasionally in my business. She's much too young for me, but is gorgeous, sweet, and unfortunately, very 'teasy'.

I recently went on anti-depressants to help my moods, as I've been working the AA program on and off for 3 years, somewhat successfully, but with numerous relapses. Details of my situation are on my thread under Substance Abuse called 'I'm ALIVE'. It's been closed due to 'sexual' nature of posts, perhaps they belonged here.

Do you think I might need to get into SAA?

Any help would be appreciated.

roadie58

Sorry for any duplication.

roadie58

any help anybody????

sweetcandy0919

Hi Johnson,

Yes, your argument is agreeable, and the people, who have experienced trauma in childhood, are more likely to manifest distorted cognitive and behavioral patterns. It becomes apparent especially in the issue of intimacy and relationship.

My mother has some type of personality disorder, thus I had walked on the eggshell on daily basis. Beside, I had never experienced any approval/acceptance and healthy love from authority figures. Thus I do not have a sense of self-worth and I do not know the appropriate boundary from people. Fortunately, I do not have a personality disorder, as my mother has, Yet I clearly have some traits, which I have learned from my mother.

I now understand the importance of healthy parenting in childhood, and the impact of unhealthy parenting leads to dysfunctional relationship and social interaction when we become adult..

Love,
candy

dinkii

I am new to actually seeking outside communication w/co dependancy addiction. I have always read books and never been able to change too much.
I have been in a relationship that switched back and forth with the both of us being love avoidant/ addicted. Beyond all this, i do deeply love my partner. however he just broke it off really suddenly and cruelly, and has been almost robotic about it. I wanted to work on things. Does a relationship with these types of dynamics ever stand a chance of becoming something different or healed?

Pernell Johnson

Hello dinkil, i read and received your information. The only thing I have is a question. When is enough, enough. This situations and relations are toxic, if you know what I mean. There is another way to live. I suggest you look and find it before it becomes tragic. Just a suggestion.

dinkii

Thanks Pernell. I know it is Toxic and change is needed. We are seperated now. But it is hard to not hope, for a way to work things out if we both start having awareness and actually do some work. But i am trying to find a good way to live. i have not learned from my family how too in a healthy way, but i am going to do my best.

Pernell Johnson

Here is a positive suggestion that may or may not be helpful but it cannot hurt. Take a look at this site and please report back so I know if in fact it was helpful.

www.loveaddicts.org/kindsofloveaddicts.html

dinkii

Thanks I checked out the link. It is very very helpful. At least I have some awareness and I can start healing al this.

Thanks so much.

books333

hello! Iam new at this, Iam a mother of a heroin addict.