Is It Love, Sex, or relational Matter?
Paused
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 16
After spending so much time in unhealthy relationships where we find the wrong type of partner and hiding behind our walls, what will happen if we "accidently" get into a healthy relationship. Can we ever change and come out from behind our walls, or are we destined to lose this relationship because we simply don't know what to do with it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Hopeland
Posts: 95
Originally Posted by Lovebird
After spending so much time in unhealthy relationships where we find the wrong type of partner and hiding behind our walls, what will happen if we "accidently" get into a healthy relationship. Can we ever change and come out from behind our walls, or are we destined to lose this relationship because we simply don't know what to do with it.
Good point. I would like to get an answer to this one too. I certainly do hope we can all change and be happy with ourselves.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Star's Hollow
Posts: 615
I think that anyone can change their behavior if they have the information they need and if they are willing to do the work and face the truth.
None of us are destined to be unhealthy forever. We can have anything we want if we want it badly enough and work hard enough to get there.
If we keep jumping into relationships to fill the hole within ourselves, we're in trouble. Relationships with other people are not nearly as important as our relationship with ourself.
L
None of us are destined to be unhealthy forever. We can have anything we want if we want it badly enough and work hard enough to get there.
If we keep jumping into relationships to fill the hole within ourselves, we're in trouble. Relationships with other people are not nearly as important as our relationship with ourself.
L
sparkling hazeleyes
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Alexandria VA
Posts: 81
Boy did this hit home. My only problem is that I do want to deny it, and pray that it is not true. I pray to God that he will take away the pain and open my eyes. He has definitely opened my eyes with several of these posts that miraculously pop up for me to read, but I wish the pain would just get easier. I like the love and happiness that I feel in my fantasy world, and I am having a very hard time giving it up. I have read a lot about love addiction, trauma bonding, and so forth, but all I want to do is go into denial. Please God help me!!!
Sad_Hazeleyes
Sad_Hazeleyes
Forum Leader
Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: trail of discovery
Posts: 2,472
Thanks Pernell.....I just saw this thread for the first time and realized that it was started a long while ago.....guess I was meant to see it now!!!
It was long reading but found lots that I identify with and lots to think about!!
It was long reading but found lots that I identify with and lots to think about!!
Meow!
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Posts: 1,020
I am totally in tears right now after reading the part about..."if I had a little girl" I was fantisizing that my dad was saying this to me! Don't know if I'm just emtional today or it just hit me that way.
Thanks Pernell for that & everything else, i never really seen it that way!
Thanks Pernell for that & everything else, i never really seen it that way!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Baltimore Md.
Posts: 31
Love Addict
I can see this very cycle in my relationship as we speak. I've read something like this B4. I read this on a relationship site. How do one rid themselves of this behavior? I Believe it was associated w/the chase theory. I want to break this cycle, I'm the love addict he's the love avoidant. My relationship play out exactly the way it is in this post. I'm not in denial it's a wake up call for me to do something. He blames me for everything. I try communicating he won't hear me. I'm blamed for the whole situation. It 's emotional blackmail to me. All I ever ask is to be treated w/respect and to be loved. Yes I have the childhood issues yes I have abandonment issue. I feel like I want to cry.
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
IHK,
I have a book about this. I'll dig it up for you. But to answer your question, yes, we often fluctuate between the two roles. It's part of the cycle. The love addict gets to a point where they try to break out of the cycle and the love avoidant fears being abandoned, so they turn into the love addict and start pursuing the original love addict, which sucks them back in, unless they're strong enough to resist getting caught back in the cycle. It's a frustrating problem.
I think we rid ourselves of this behavior when we start accepting that no person can fulfill all of our needs. Happiness doesn't come from another person, it comes from within. Our self-worth doesn't come from our relationship, our job, our kids, etc. It comes from knowing our own worth and loving ourselves. No one can ever abandon us. They can leave us, but as long as we love, accept, and don't abandon ourselves, we will always be ok.
I have a book about this. I'll dig it up for you. But to answer your question, yes, we often fluctuate between the two roles. It's part of the cycle. The love addict gets to a point where they try to break out of the cycle and the love avoidant fears being abandoned, so they turn into the love addict and start pursuing the original love addict, which sucks them back in, unless they're strong enough to resist getting caught back in the cycle. It's a frustrating problem.
I think we rid ourselves of this behavior when we start accepting that no person can fulfill all of our needs. Happiness doesn't come from another person, it comes from within. Our self-worth doesn't come from our relationship, our job, our kids, etc. It comes from knowing our own worth and loving ourselves. No one can ever abandon us. They can leave us, but as long as we love, accept, and don't abandon ourselves, we will always be ok.
.......waiting
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Nevada
Posts: 7
I have never heard this explained so well. I can so see my self in this. In fact I can see every relationship I have ever had in this. Sure is something to think and study on. Thank you for posting that!!!! That is an eye opener.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Southern California
Posts: 129
Ditto Sugar52. It's wonderful that we have not stopped seeking answers to our life issues. I wonder pernell...Can a couple bounce back and forward in these roles. As I have detached from my Love addict role..I feel responsible for the Love avoid. parner and he becomes needy on my support and we seem to reverse roles. I have after over 5 yrs..stopped believing in the fantasy. I think my Pot addiction was always 2ndary to my love addiction issues from my messed up childhood. I also was the clown as a child, so I wanted to be taken care of and not have to be resp. yet chose love avoid. parners..and still ended up being the one who have to support finiancally the partner. Its all so interwined..it seems these roles can easlily be switched.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
*First the client has trouble having a sense of self, spending much of his or her life living in reaction to the object of their affection rather than in action for the self. This is the reality issue; it causes the client to feel empty inside and causes the client to endlessly blame others for how he/she feels emotionally or for what he/she has done.
I see this clearly in my parenting relationship with my son. For so many years, and even sometimes today, my life has been a "reaction" to his...which isn't what surprised me. What surprised me today is how much I have blamed him for how I feel. "Blamed" may be too harsh a word to describe it, but I have allowed myself to react far too often to circumstances that I do not own and that I cannot control.
It is yet another time where I tend to live in the problem, rather than the solution.
I miss Pernell, he always kept me on my toes.
Hugs
Ann
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