Spouses mental health- venting
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Join Date: Feb 2024
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Spouses mental health- venting
My husband has been sober for alcohol for 8 years. I did not meet him until after he made the choice to be sober. He also suffers from anxiety, depression, ocd, adhd, personality disorder. He also uses marijuana regularly (all day). Although he is sober, his mental health issues have taken over our lives. We can't get through a day without him raising his voice and making accusations or telling me how much his life sucks but then saying we can't have anything less than a perfect marriage. In reality, our marriage is falling apart and we have started living separately about half the time. He was recently arrested and seems to continously make decisions that make life difficult. We have a 3 year old and it feels like that's the only thing left holding us together. He's been in addiction/ mental health treatment most of his life. For me, it feels like there is no end to his negativity. I told him I joined this group for support and he became very upset. He kept saying he is sober and pot is not a drug, concerned this site will persuade me to make him quit smoking. I didn't come here for that reason. I came here to listen to the perspectives of others who have been in his situation. I try to be the one to hold our family together because i don't want to give up on someone who has made it to recovery and I feel guilt that if I leave, our son won't have a father because he can't handle him on his own.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,649
Hi Opal. Sorry you are in this situation.
Well first of all, he's not sober. Not drinking I guess but weed is a drug any way you look at it, that's a fact. Persuade you to "make" him quit? Actually, you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
He is going to do whatever he is going to do and you have zero control over that.
Sadly, staying with him isn't really good for you or your little one either. Growing up in a household full of dysfunction has long term consequences. There is an organization for ACOA (adult children of alcoholics and other dysfunction) that you might want to have a look at.
Sorry, not trying to pile guilt on guilt, but truly, you son is the one to look out for?
What would you like to do?
Well first of all, he's not sober. Not drinking I guess but weed is a drug any way you look at it, that's a fact. Persuade you to "make" him quit? Actually, you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
He is going to do whatever he is going to do and you have zero control over that.
Sadly, staying with him isn't really good for you or your little one either. Growing up in a household full of dysfunction has long term consequences. There is an organization for ACOA (adult children of alcoholics and other dysfunction) that you might want to have a look at.
Sorry, not trying to pile guilt on guilt, but truly, you son is the one to look out for?
What would you like to do?
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Join Date: Feb 2024
Posts: 6
I appreciate your response. It's going to take me time to wrap my mind around it. What do I want to do? I'm fighting the defensive response of "I want HIM to get it together and be a caring husband and father" but since this is anonymous I will answer what you are actually asking by saying I want to have peace in my life again for me and our son. I want so badly to step away because I've worked hard to be able to support myself and I know how peaceful it is when he isn't here. I will read more about ACoA. I am in conflict with what i want and also wanting my son to have his father. Maybe it will provide some clarity.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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I grew up with an alcoholic Father, many people here did have at least one alcoholic parent.
My Mother stayed for 20 years before divorcing him.
When you mention you are wanting your son to have his Father, is this version of your Husband the one you want for him? If not, then it's really just kind of wishful thinking?
In fact, your Son only seeing him for visitation, supervised, would probably be doing them both a favour for their relationship. He will only see his Dad for short periods of time, initially, where, hopefully his Dad can curb his generally terrible behaviour.
Changing him isn't in your control (at all), getting the peace you want for you and your Son is in your control and maybe, just maybe, in the course of that it will salvage whatever relationship they can have.
My Mother stayed for 20 years before divorcing him.
When you mention you are wanting your son to have his Father, is this version of your Husband the one you want for him? If not, then it's really just kind of wishful thinking?
In fact, your Son only seeing him for visitation, supervised, would probably be doing them both a favour for their relationship. He will only see his Dad for short periods of time, initially, where, hopefully his Dad can curb his generally terrible behaviour.
Changing him isn't in your control (at all), getting the peace you want for you and your Son is in your control and maybe, just maybe, in the course of that it will salvage whatever relationship they can have.
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Join Date: Feb 2024
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I'm sorry your family went through what you did. I find it grounding when I think of what others have gone through. I've learned you can't form accurate judgements because all of us experience challenges that we don't always allow people to see.
As a parent, I understand self sacrifices for a child. As a spouse it seems to be different. You stop being commended for the self sacrifices you make for a struggling spouse. There's pity or a push to move on. I am an independent person. With that, I don't have much of a support group. I think it's part of the reason I stay even when I know the relationship is less than ok. There is also the wishful thinking. The hope that people can choose better paths and make changes and then there's the uncertainty that the grass is really greener on the other side. My fears are that I would at least not start out with full custody but more likely a 50/50 split because his parents have money for an attorney. There would be a loss of control on what his behavior is like around our child. How different would it be from dealing with an unstable spouse inside marriage to dealing with him as a coparent outside of marriage. For me it might be better, for my son I am not sure. I know none of this is healthy, these are the thoughts that go on in my head.
As a parent, I understand self sacrifices for a child. As a spouse it seems to be different. You stop being commended for the self sacrifices you make for a struggling spouse. There's pity or a push to move on. I am an independent person. With that, I don't have much of a support group. I think it's part of the reason I stay even when I know the relationship is less than ok. There is also the wishful thinking. The hope that people can choose better paths and make changes and then there's the uncertainty that the grass is really greener on the other side. My fears are that I would at least not start out with full custody but more likely a 50/50 split because his parents have money for an attorney. There would be a loss of control on what his behavior is like around our child. How different would it be from dealing with an unstable spouse inside marriage to dealing with him as a coparent outside of marriage. For me it might be better, for my son I am not sure. I know none of this is healthy, these are the thoughts that go on in my head.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,649
You know what I believe to be helpful in this type of circumstance is getting information together.
The first person you might wan to speak to is an attorney. You can probably find one that will do a no cost initial consultation and answer some questions for you, alternately you probably have some kind of law society that has a group that provides legal services on an income based fee scale.
For the custody, many here have required sobriety testing tied in with visitation. I might seem unkind to bring that in to the custody agreement, however to protect your child it's kind of imperative at this point since he does still uses a drug and is therefore unreliable. He may not get 50 percent of custody based on this alone and may be required to have supervised visitation until such time as he can proven he is clean (and no overnights). I don't know why he was arrested but that may play in to this too.
So based on all that, that might be your first small step. Next might be financial. If there will be a shortfall for you, there are probably agencies that can help you. Also he will have to pay child support, depending on how the custody works out.
Anyway, this can all be overwhelming, however all you are doing right now is fact finding, which will help with your decisions and help put your mind at ease a bit.
He can choose a better path, maybe you just don't need a front seat to him working on that, if he does.
The first person you might wan to speak to is an attorney. You can probably find one that will do a no cost initial consultation and answer some questions for you, alternately you probably have some kind of law society that has a group that provides legal services on an income based fee scale.
For the custody, many here have required sobriety testing tied in with visitation. I might seem unkind to bring that in to the custody agreement, however to protect your child it's kind of imperative at this point since he does still uses a drug and is therefore unreliable. He may not get 50 percent of custody based on this alone and may be required to have supervised visitation until such time as he can proven he is clean (and no overnights). I don't know why he was arrested but that may play in to this too.
So based on all that, that might be your first small step. Next might be financial. If there will be a shortfall for you, there are probably agencies that can help you. Also he will have to pay child support, depending on how the custody works out.
Anyway, this can all be overwhelming, however all you are doing right now is fact finding, which will help with your decisions and help put your mind at ease a bit.
He can choose a better path, maybe you just don't need a front seat to him working on that, if he does.
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Join Date: Feb 2024
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Seeking help setting boundaries
After my husbands screaming fit at 6am this morning I am ready to set better boundaries to separate us from his behavior.
So far I have these:
1. No sleeping over the house for 3 weeks, revisit after 3 weeks
2. No getting high when he has our son or I will report this to his probation officer
3. He will need to leave immediately if he begins yelling, slamming doors or throwing objects while he visits us at the house
4. If he does not leave when I ask, then I will be seeking legal avenues to protect us from his behavior
5. I will not respond to him blowing up my phone. I will let him know the status of our son and nothing more.
I am aware that this could push him to leave and I have accepted that. I am open to any advice from others that have experience or knowledge on this.
So far I have these:
1. No sleeping over the house for 3 weeks, revisit after 3 weeks
2. No getting high when he has our son or I will report this to his probation officer
3. He will need to leave immediately if he begins yelling, slamming doors or throwing objects while he visits us at the house
4. If he does not leave when I ask, then I will be seeking legal avenues to protect us from his behavior
5. I will not respond to him blowing up my phone. I will let him know the status of our son and nothing more.
I am aware that this could push him to leave and I have accepted that. I am open to any advice from others that have experience or knowledge on this.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,649
Hi Opal. Those sound like really good boundaries to have. For item 4, I assume you would call the police?
If violence is an issue, perhaps if that is the case, visiting should take place outside of your house so you have the option of leaving?
If violence is an issue, perhaps if that is the case, visiting should take place outside of your house so you have the option of leaving?
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