Newguy2024

I posted this also on another forum as well. I apologize if this isn't protocol. There seems to be more traffic here...



I have checked in throughout the years on this forum and this is my first time posting. I am looking for people who have lived this life to weigh in on my story. Any comments or advice are appreciated. Here is my story…

I am a 54 year old man with a good job , a great wife and two successful adult children ages 25 and 22. By all accounts I have it all and I am grateful. I have been fortunate enough to have the stability of my wife’s family for the past 35 years because my own family has been a casualty of substance abuse and chaos for many years.

My mother died of cancer when I was 19 and I was left with a 12 year old sister (at the time) and an abusive father who was not emotionally equipped or fit to be a parent. He normalized drug use and often bragged about it. (FYI…He was a lifelong addict who was addicted to opioids up until the end of his life). I tried to look after my sister as best I could however I moved out to begin my life and my career. However, I stayed in close contact with her and helped her as best I could. Unfortunately, this began her path of self destruction.

Over the past 15 years her life of chaos and substance abuse has gotten worse. She has been arrested over 20 times in 6 different states (Driving under the influence, Grand larceny, Petit theft, countless domestic issues, drug possession numerous times etc.) She has bounced around from one “boyfriend” to another , never held a steady job and it has been very sad. At first, I tried to be a good brother. I talked to her often, coached her and gave life advice. I visited her in jail the first time,I sent care packages, gave her money, visited her in rehab, however her behavior never changed. Eventually I had enough and this caused me to cut her off from seeing my children. She has not seen them or communicated with them for 15 years and I have not seen her for 10 years. I always hoped she would enter recovery, but she did not. Since she settled in another state, there was never any chance of connection.

Meanwhile, my father refused to believe she had a real drug problem and gave me hell for cutting her out of my life. Even though she stole from him and saw him only once over the past 10 years, she would call to check in with him. He lived in denial to the day he died. I would get constant grief over not speaking to her but I knew her behavior never changed. I would see her mugshots online and over the years be able to follow her court cases through public data bases. I knew I made the right decision to separate from her, for my family and I but it was depressing and sad.

Fast forward, my father , who lived three hours from me, fell into bad health. For the past 7 years, I took care of him, his house and everything as he declined into Dementia. The last few years were hell. I did it all myself, with the support of my family. It was extremely stressful and emotionally draining. I tried to manage everything (job, my own family, kids in college etc). It has been a lot. Taking care of him led to anxiety, insomnia and a lot of trauma. It was not easy caring for an abusive, aggressive drug addict with Dementia. It has taken its toll. He subsequently died and I handled his mess of an estate. Now, I had to connect with my sister and alert her of the fact that her father died and that she is entitled to a small inheritance.

Over the past year, she has become homeless and has been arrested multiple times for prostitution (something I kept from my father before he died) and it has been heartbreaking. In January, I tracked her down and informed her of our father’s death. I tried to be patient and encourage her to seek treatment. I played phone tag with her for a few months and I tried to help her get her money. Reconnecting with her was difficult and emotionally draining. I was hopeful and naive to think that my speaking with her and informing her about the money would motivate her to change. It hasn’t. FYI….She doesn’t have my new address or phone number and I refuse to give it to her, so the only communication she has is letters from prison sent to my old address.

I didn’t hear from her for a while and then found out that she was arrested for Fentanyl possession. Her mugshot was horrifying. She proceeded to write me five letters from prison, asking to be bailed out and for food. I didn’t respond but sent food when she claimed that she was going to enroll in a court mandated program. She was released upon her own recognizance. She said she would contact me in rehab and I was hopeful that this would lead to change. I expected some contact from her over the past three months or contact from a counselor. I did not hear anything. She told me she would call my father’s phone upon entering the rehab. I checked it often and no messages. I had a bad feeling.

The next contact was another rambling letter from jail. She was arrested for petit theft. She tried to explain but her letter was filled with lies and guilt. She is telling me that she has no one and that our mother would want us together and I can’t turn my back on her. She then asked for food. I did not send food but I wrote a long letter explaining my feelings and sent it to her explaining my boundaries and my feelings. Eventually this pattern continued and she was arrested multiple times and she has been in and out of prison. Each mugshot is worse than the one before. When she is in jail she bombards me with letters, some half apologetic and others half legible and incoherent letters. She asks for more money and food and tells me all sorts of stories and explanations that are all lies. Everytime I see a letter from jail it heightens my stress. It has been one year since I have “reconnected” and it has been mentally draining.

I have read all about addiction. I have listened to podcasts and I have been to counseling. Since reconnecting with her my anxiety symptoms are worse and my wife is worried about me. She wants me to cut off all contact and if she is ever able to claim the money I will pass it since it is my legal obligation. Although I have kept this away from my adult kids, my wife sees what this is doing to me. I have found myself thinking about this way too often and on some days it's overwhelming. Anyway, I do not want to deal with her. I feel terrible and heartbroken that my little sister is sick and I have guilt over not wanting to be involved, but I really see no hope. Her addiction has progressed to the point that her brain is rewired and that she is only focused on the next use. I feel and know I am powerless. I wish that all of this suffering would end for both of us. I realize that she is 46 and is responsible for her own recovery, but for whatever reason I can’t shake all of this. I feel like I am in a no win situation. I hate to say that she might be bottomless and not salvageable . Although I am not directly involved in anything, I feel I am right back in the mental chaos I have tried to avoid by separating from her all those years ago.

Am I wrong for wanting to cut off all ties? Thanks for reading this long story and any comments and thoughts are appreciated.

Steely

Your story somewhat resembles my own NewGuy. Only it is my brother, not my sister.

My bother is an addict, and like you I have tried to help him. He has stolen from me, he lies to me, he lives in fantasy, denial, and it is very sad.

Last time we spoke over the phone he sounded so sick. Lives in a govt funded flat with only a single mattress. A fridge supplied by charity. He rarely has food because he spends what money he has on drugs.

I have sent him food, bought him food, lent him money, talked to him endlessly, but think now he is no longer salvageable. And there is nothing further I can do. The drugs he takes will eventually kill him. I have no control over this.

No, you are not wrong in cutting off all ties NewGuy, it's what many of us have had to do. Reluctantly, but with our own mental health front and centre, for once.

You might find our "Family and Friends" forum (here) useful New Guy.

And I'm so sorry.

Hunny1116

Hi Newguy. Your post brought back some fierce and heartbreaking memories for me, but I want to encourage you.

I've dealt with my son's addiction for some 30 years now. His story is much the same as your sister's. His father was an addict who died of an overdose 15 years ago.

When my son was at his worst, I chose to go "no contact" with him. The decision was so difficult for me, but watching him destroy himself was absolutely destroying me. I did not answer his calls, respond to any texts or check with anyone about how he was doing. There were times I was afraid he would die on the streets, and no one would know to call me.

There is alot to be considered about going no contact. For me, it was life saving.

The truth is you need time to grieve this heartbreak and time to take care of yourself and your family. She will recover or she won't regardless of what you do. If you haven't yet, I suggest you read the sticky at the top of this forum titled What Addicts Do. You have taken such an important step in posting here. We are standing with you.

Hunny

Bute

Hi Newguy
Such a sad story. Addiction is so destructive.
No, you're not wrong to want to cut ties with your sister. You can't save her. She has to want to save herself, and she doesn't seem to want to change her life.
We get to a point where we have to save ourselves, or our loved ones addiction will take us down too.
Think of yourself, your wife and family.
Much Love
Bute x

LucyIntheGarden

Hello,

It all has been so traumatic for you. There is so much deep grief inside you. You are perhaps weary of counseling at this point.

I think it might be a good step to first see your family physician for a check-up and an evaluation for clinical depression. Depression is so debilitating, and there are good, safe medications which have been used for decades with real success. Your cortisol levels have been so thrown out of balance for so long, you may need medication to right them back to normal. Depression is not only deeply fatiguing, it creates anxiety, hopelessness, guilt, and feelings of being unworthy of any happiness.

My second suggestion is to ask your physician for a referral for grief counseling. It is loss you are dealing with. Grief counseling is different from counseling for family addiction. It is about accepting what happened, and accepting your powerlessness to change the course of events. Your profound grief began decades ago, when your mother died. Then your father rejected you. Grief upon grief. And it has continued as you watch your sister die slowly from drug abuse.

I think you need help from a trained grief counselor for what is called complicated grief (mourning someone who is still present but is no longer, like your sister). And my guess is you have not spoken with anyone qualified about losing your mother when you were a child.

It can take time. But I believe you will be able enjoy your precious life again.

Newguy2024

Thank you for the replies. I am appreciative that there are people out there who understand. I am deeply reflecting.

Newguy2024

Thanks again for all of your responses. I cannot tell you how often I go back and read them. It is truly appreciated. After my sister was released from jail in December, it was just a matter of time before she was arrested again. I knew the next letter from the prison was eventually going to come. Every time I checked the mail, I was anxious and hoping no letter would be there. Sure enough, the letter came on Monday. I did not open it and will not read it. The letter was from the prison. She is in jail again. No surprise.

I spoke with my wife and decided to write her a letter essentially cutting her off. I told her I do not trust anything she says and that I am not equipped at this stage of my life to be a part of her chaos and self destruction. I told her I will not send her food or money and would not read any more letters from a correctional facility. I also told her to only contact me, in writing, if she is ready to receive her inheritance from our father.

I feel it is necessary for my mental health and my wife agrees. I do not want to be a part of any of this. However, I feel a sense of guilt. Thanks for reading. Hope you all are well.

Thanks,
Newguy 2024

trailmix

Hi Newguy. I believe you have made the only decision you can make. You are choosing to take care of yourself and your wife and kids.

The wear and tear on you from continued contact with your Sister serves no one, not you, not her.

Is it a tragedy? Absolutely, but as you know you have no control over it, you tried, that's done.

You know, guilt should really be for things we have done wrong, where we have amends to make perhaps. What have you done wrong? You didn't abandon your Sister, she abandoned your family years ago. There is no way to bring her back in to that fold, unless she seeks recovery. It's simply not your responsibility.

My Father was an alcoholic. I did stop talking to him for a year (and for a shorter period of time as a teenager). This was necessary for me. For the year, as an adult, he would try to contact me from time to time, even attempted to come over to my house once (I passed him on the road on my way out). The fact that he couldn't understand why I didn't want to talk to him was not my problem. If someone can't see what they did/do, again, I can't take responsibility for that.

You've tried. You've really tried! You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).

Newguy2024

Thank you , trailmix. I appreciate your response. I will read it often.