Back to square one
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2023
Posts: 213
Back to square one
Hey all
So last year I split with my boyf as I discovered he had a major cocaine problem, I lost my ex partner of 13 years to addiction and I just cannot go down that road again. He was fine after we split, he just went back to his addicted ex, thought I was doing okay and he is in the house next door to me now helping his friend renovate house.
It was sold just xmas and now they are in fixing it up, he in and out not a bother on him. Im hiding my own home now
I feel like ive just gone back a whole year. Shaking and naesous
B 😪
So last year I split with my boyf as I discovered he had a major cocaine problem, I lost my ex partner of 13 years to addiction and I just cannot go down that road again. He was fine after we split, he just went back to his addicted ex, thought I was doing okay and he is in the house next door to me now helping his friend renovate house.
It was sold just xmas and now they are in fixing it up, he in and out not a bother on him. Im hiding my own home now
I feel like ive just gone back a whole year. Shaking and naesous
B 😪
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,466
I’m sorry Bookbuff - that sounds a pretty crappy situation…but you’ve been through so much and come through…you will come through this too.
It might feel like square one but it’s not…yoo’ve grown and changed…and you have support here…you’re not alone
D
It might feel like square one but it’s not…yoo’ve grown and changed…and you have support here…you’re not alone
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2023
Posts: 213
Thanks Dee,
It just shook me as my home is like my sanctuary, I can probably expect to see him around more now since his friend is my new neighbour, he was just there smirking.
I did get a really bad shock, its like im off all social media and stay clear best I can of places I know he does be. Now its at my door, I guess I will just have to put on my best front.
dreading tomorrow if he is back
B
It just shook me as my home is like my sanctuary, I can probably expect to see him around more now since his friend is my new neighbour, he was just there smirking.
I did get a really bad shock, its like im off all social media and stay clear best I can of places I know he does be. Now its at my door, I guess I will just have to put on my best front.
dreading tomorrow if he is back
B
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,649
As Dee said, you've grown and changed.
In the time you have been apart, you have healed some and no doubt lowered your defenses quite a lot, your anxiety has eased?
Now he reappears next door, as you say, you will probably see him from time to time.
So while it does seem right now to be a big setback in that healing, you may find that you will get back on much more solid ground much sooner than you think, because of the healing you have already done.
It can sometimes help to take another perspective as well. He can't hurt you anymore, not if you don't let him. Sometimes it helps to visualize yourself with a shield around you, maybe like a bubble. He can't talk to you, he can't get through the bubble, you are safe. You are not alone either. You have us and on a more practical level, you have the police. If he ever does decide to come knocking at your door and you tell him (through the door) to go away and he doesn't, immediately (you only have to ask once) just call them. Don't hesitate, they will be happy to help you.
You may also want to put on light blocking curtains on that side of the house, if you have windows there, or that film that shows a mirror look to the outside so no one can see in, but you can see out.
I know it's a shock, I have been through something like that once. Broke up with guy - hadn't spoken for weeks - and I work a side gig a few hours a week, online. For that job there is a group chat so we can keep updated on any changes, ask questions etc. When we were in a relationship, I had referred him, months and months earlier.
Guess who showed up one day in work chat? Yes, the idiot. Plus he has some woman with him as well that he seemed to know. After a couple of days I just stopped logging in to the chat and didn't for months, by the time I returned he was gone.
Anyway I just shut down one more avenue for him to have access to my world, I was fine. As a plus I think I got $200.00 because he signed up on my referral lol
He opens a door, you shut it in his face.
In the time you have been apart, you have healed some and no doubt lowered your defenses quite a lot, your anxiety has eased?
Now he reappears next door, as you say, you will probably see him from time to time.
So while it does seem right now to be a big setback in that healing, you may find that you will get back on much more solid ground much sooner than you think, because of the healing you have already done.
It can sometimes help to take another perspective as well. He can't hurt you anymore, not if you don't let him. Sometimes it helps to visualize yourself with a shield around you, maybe like a bubble. He can't talk to you, he can't get through the bubble, you are safe. You are not alone either. You have us and on a more practical level, you have the police. If he ever does decide to come knocking at your door and you tell him (through the door) to go away and he doesn't, immediately (you only have to ask once) just call them. Don't hesitate, they will be happy to help you.
You may also want to put on light blocking curtains on that side of the house, if you have windows there, or that film that shows a mirror look to the outside so no one can see in, but you can see out.
I know it's a shock, I have been through something like that once. Broke up with guy - hadn't spoken for weeks - and I work a side gig a few hours a week, online. For that job there is a group chat so we can keep updated on any changes, ask questions etc. When we were in a relationship, I had referred him, months and months earlier.
Guess who showed up one day in work chat? Yes, the idiot. Plus he has some woman with him as well that he seemed to know. After a couple of days I just stopped logging in to the chat and didn't for months, by the time I returned he was gone.
Anyway I just shut down one more avenue for him to have access to my world, I was fine. As a plus I think I got $200.00 because he signed up on my referral lol
He opens a door, you shut it in his face.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2023
Posts: 213
Hi Trailmix
Thank you so much for your response, what you said is true, he cannot hurt me if I do not let him. I took a few deep breaths and went my yoga class last night. He is back there again today, ive shut the blinds etc. I can hear him chatting his mates when i let dogs out etc
I was just so shocked it impacted me so much, really sent me into a spiral, even though i went yoga didn't sleep much
That bubble is a great idea
B x
Thank you so much for your response, what you said is true, he cannot hurt me if I do not let him. I took a few deep breaths and went my yoga class last night. He is back there again today, ive shut the blinds etc. I can hear him chatting his mates when i let dogs out etc
I was just so shocked it impacted me so much, really sent me into a spiral, even though i went yoga didn't sleep much
That bubble is a great idea
B x
Member
Join Date: Dec 2021
Posts: 127
At least you truly broke free. I think these relationships will always haunt us from time to time. The heartbreak over having to give up and let go of someone you love..knowing that something so ugly ruined all the simple things. When you loose a partner to addiction suddenly basic things you see others do make your heart ache. On a sunny day I'd walk along with my kids in the woods. Knowing my addict partner would never be here to join me. Wrapped up In his dull life of back pain and crack. I longed for a car ride to the beach. A day in London.. a fun day with the kids in the garden. Him on the bbq. Him helping me move into my new home.
I got back with him after 8 months apart. He hasn't changed. He's currently avoiding me..for 3 weeks now I haven't seen him..shared his bed. Ate with him. He's depressed amd isolated. Sleeping constantly. Ignores me for hours. The pain never ends but the love keeps you there.
I really am sorry things have been dug up again..but stsy strong. You are sadly better off out of his world. But I get it.. alot of our heartache is of the broken dreams and hopes for the future. The other heartache is realising all the pain they've caused us. If only is a phrase I say alot..if only this and that. But he doesn't see the world like me. He doesn't have the same wants. Depression and addiction has robbed him of being able to see life in a content peaceful way.
I got back with him after 8 months apart. He hasn't changed. He's currently avoiding me..for 3 weeks now I haven't seen him..shared his bed. Ate with him. He's depressed amd isolated. Sleeping constantly. Ignores me for hours. The pain never ends but the love keeps you there.
I really am sorry things have been dug up again..but stsy strong. You are sadly better off out of his world. But I get it.. alot of our heartache is of the broken dreams and hopes for the future. The other heartache is realising all the pain they've caused us. If only is a phrase I say alot..if only this and that. But he doesn't see the world like me. He doesn't have the same wants. Depression and addiction has robbed him of being able to see life in a content peaceful way.
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