Desperately need advice and help for my fiancé
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Desperately need advice and help for my fiancé
My fiancé and I live(d) together for 6 years. She has struggled with all types of substances and is currently attending IOP online. In Oct 2023 she went on an alcohol and Xanax bender for two weeks that landed her in the ER. I found her in a hotel room after she ran away from home.
I thought this was over and we turned a corner but we had a fight last week when I noticed she was acting strange. I didn’t handle it correctly and yelled a lot and told her to leave the home and go to her parents. I apologized and took it back - I feel awful. I am always on edge worrying she will relapse on drugs or alcohol. We patched things up from that incident. A week later however she was seemingly on something…
I saw her pupils very large. She was acting emotionless and numb, even a little mean. She threatened to break up and leave our home. Turns out she was taking Tylenol 3 and some antidepressant as well. She slept in our spare bedroom that night. The next morning she was back to being sweet, loving and got in bed with me. She told me she was only going to take the Tylenol 3 when she needed it. Her mother drove her to a pharmacy to get the prescription while I was at work one day (she doesn’t drive due to a DUI).
Later that day however she was acting weird again. Same as the day before. Mean, angry and telling me the relationship is over. She started packing her things and called her mother to pick her up. I begged her not to go but she left. She blocked me and I haven’t heard a word from her.
I am so confused. I feel like I’m at fault and caused this all because I was frustrated the week before. Do opioids cause people to be mean and say things they don’t actually mean? Is there any hope she will come back?
I thought this was over and we turned a corner but we had a fight last week when I noticed she was acting strange. I didn’t handle it correctly and yelled a lot and told her to leave the home and go to her parents. I apologized and took it back - I feel awful. I am always on edge worrying she will relapse on drugs or alcohol. We patched things up from that incident. A week later however she was seemingly on something…
I saw her pupils very large. She was acting emotionless and numb, even a little mean. She threatened to break up and leave our home. Turns out she was taking Tylenol 3 and some antidepressant as well. She slept in our spare bedroom that night. The next morning she was back to being sweet, loving and got in bed with me. She told me she was only going to take the Tylenol 3 when she needed it. Her mother drove her to a pharmacy to get the prescription while I was at work one day (she doesn’t drive due to a DUI).
Later that day however she was acting weird again. Same as the day before. Mean, angry and telling me the relationship is over. She started packing her things and called her mother to pick her up. I begged her not to go but she left. She blocked me and I haven’t heard a word from her.
I am so confused. I feel like I’m at fault and caused this all because I was frustrated the week before. Do opioids cause people to be mean and say things they don’t actually mean? Is there any hope she will come back?
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Join Date: Jul 2023
Posts: 133
Hello HB,
She will probably come back. You have been enabling her addiction, and you will continue to do so unless you get some serious help for your codependency, so, yes, she will likely come back. She knows how to manipulate you, she knows you will rescue her, she knows you are an easy mark.
People who enable drug addicts do them no favors, impede their chance for recovery, and often bring the chaos of their relationship with the addict into the lives of their friends and their family members.
"Relapse" is not the right word. She is not in recovery. She has never been in recovery. She doesn't relapse. She simply pauses between using.
There is no "turning a corner" in the situation as it is today. You enable, she drugs, and the merry go round keeps on spinning.
You can't control her using, though it seems from your post you think you might be able to do just that. But you can contribute to it by constantly rescuing her from the normal and inevitable consequences of her addiction.
Find yourself a counselor or a Nar-Anon group, start your own recovery, and become thoroughly educated about codependent behavior. You, I am sorry to say, are not what she needs in her life unless you yourself get well. . Best of luck to you, and I hope you both find recovery.
She will probably come back. You have been enabling her addiction, and you will continue to do so unless you get some serious help for your codependency, so, yes, she will likely come back. She knows how to manipulate you, she knows you will rescue her, she knows you are an easy mark.
People who enable drug addicts do them no favors, impede their chance for recovery, and often bring the chaos of their relationship with the addict into the lives of their friends and their family members.
"Relapse" is not the right word. She is not in recovery. She has never been in recovery. She doesn't relapse. She simply pauses between using.
There is no "turning a corner" in the situation as it is today. You enable, she drugs, and the merry go round keeps on spinning.
You can't control her using, though it seems from your post you think you might be able to do just that. But you can contribute to it by constantly rescuing her from the normal and inevitable consequences of her addiction.
Find yourself a counselor or a Nar-Anon group, start your own recovery, and become thoroughly educated about codependent behavior. You, I am sorry to say, are not what she needs in her life unless you yourself get well. . Best of luck to you, and I hope you both find recovery.
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Originally Posted by LucyIntheGarden 
Hello HB,
She will probably come back. You have been enabling her addiction, and you will continue to do so unless you get some serious help for your codependency, so, yes, she will likely come back. She knows how to manipulate you, she knows you will rescue her, she knows you are an easy mark.
People who enable drug addicts do them no favors, impede their chance for recovery, and often bring the chaos of their relationship with the addict into the lives of their friends and their family members.
"Relapse" is not the right word. She is not in recovery. She has never been in recovery. She doesn't relapse. She simply pauses between using.
There is no "turning a corner" in the situation as it is today. You enable, she drugs, and the merry go round keeps on spinning.
You can't control her using, though it seems from your post you think you might be able to do just that. But you can contribute to it by constantly rescuing her from the normal and inevitable consequences of her addiction.
Find yourself a counselor or a Nar-Anon group, start your own recovery, and become thoroughly educated about codependent behavior. You, I am sorry to say, are not what she needs in her life unless you yourself get well. . Best of luck to you, and I hope you both find recovery.
She will probably come back. You have been enabling her addiction, and you will continue to do so unless you get some serious help for your codependency, so, yes, she will likely come back. She knows how to manipulate you, she knows you will rescue her, she knows you are an easy mark.
People who enable drug addicts do them no favors, impede their chance for recovery, and often bring the chaos of their relationship with the addict into the lives of their friends and their family members.
"Relapse" is not the right word. She is not in recovery. She has never been in recovery. She doesn't relapse. She simply pauses between using.
There is no "turning a corner" in the situation as it is today. You enable, she drugs, and the merry go round keeps on spinning.
You can't control her using, though it seems from your post you think you might be able to do just that. But you can contribute to it by constantly rescuing her from the normal and inevitable consequences of her addiction.
Find yourself a counselor or a Nar-Anon group, start your own recovery, and become thoroughly educated about codependent behavior. You, I am sorry to say, are not what she needs in her life unless you yourself get well. . Best of luck to you, and I hope you both find recovery.
Should I ignore her and her family if they contact
me at some point?
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Join Date: Jul 2023
Posts: 133
Yes, I think you should ignore them, but I don't think you will be able to, because you have lost yourself in her addiction, in her moods, feelings, behaviors, and you have lost your grounding and good sense. So, you have almost no tools with which to recover from the effects of her addiction on your life.
Codependency is:
A willingness to live with someone who is in active addiction
A willingness to remain engaged to someone in active addiction
Being obsessed with worry, "on edge" about whether the drug addict is using
Begging someone in active addiction not to leave you
Believing that your moods, worries, and behaviors could be the reason the addict is using
Believing that your frustration and anger and words are the reason the addict walks out on you
There is so much for you to learn, HB. You are lost. You need recovery from the effects of someone else's addiction on YOU.
Codependency is:
A willingness to live with someone who is in active addiction
A willingness to remain engaged to someone in active addiction
Being obsessed with worry, "on edge" about whether the drug addict is using
Begging someone in active addiction not to leave you
Believing that your moods, worries, and behaviors could be the reason the addict is using
Believing that your frustration and anger and words are the reason the addict walks out on you
There is so much for you to learn, HB. You are lost. You need recovery from the effects of someone else's addiction on YOU.
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Originally Posted by LucyIntheGarden
Yes, I think you should ignore them, but I don't think you will be able to, because you have lost yourself in her addiction, in her moods, feelings, behaviors, and you have lost your grounding and good sense. So, you have almost no tools with which to recover from the effects of her addiction on your life.
Codependency is:
A willingness to live with someone who is in active addiction
A willingness to remain engaged to someone in active addiction
Being obsessed with worry, "on edge" about whether the drug addict is using
Begging someone in active addiction not to leave you
Believing that your moods, worries, and behaviors could be the reason the addict is using
Believing that your frustration and anger and words are the reason the addict walks out on you
There is so much for you to learn, HB. You are lost. You need recovery from the effects of someone else's addiction on YOU.
Codependency is:
A willingness to live with someone who is in active addiction
A willingness to remain engaged to someone in active addiction
Being obsessed with worry, "on edge" about whether the drug addict is using
Begging someone in active addiction not to leave you
Believing that your moods, worries, and behaviors could be the reason the addict is using
Believing that your frustration and anger and words are the reason the addict walks out on you
There is so much for you to learn, HB. You are lost. You need recovery from the effects of someone else's addiction on YOU.
I did consider that she is perhaps bored or unhappy in our relationship and rather than telling me she wants out she used pain killers to numb the pain and leave. Or it is like you suggested - she is off on a drug vacation from life right now. When she has done this before she never blocked all communication. This is new.
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HB,
I hope tomorrow perhaps you will get some responses from forum members who are recovering from addiction as well from their codependent behaviors with addicted partners or addicted family members. They will have a lot of insight. (Sundays are a bit quieter here). And you could visit your local Nar-Anon meeting, read the literature you pick up on a table, listen as others share their stories. Handling all of this business alone will not get you very far.
She uses pain killers because she has an UNCONTROLLABLE craving for them which overrides any thought of the consequences. She is not using painkillers because she is bored with you. But she really hates it that you are getting in her way.
You haven't heard from her because she is chasing the drug. If you try to interrupt her, she will punish you for it. In fact, hasn't that already happened?
It is the cycle of the addict-codependent relationship: CRISIS, SEPARATION, RECONCILIATION......a bit of quiet......then CRISIS.......the same cycle again and again and again. The codependent thinks that if he just says the right words at the right time in the right way, he will talk his addict girlfriend out of her craving (with her entire being) for the drug. He does not believe that he is powerless over the damned addiction.
Do not be alone with this. Get yourself some serious face to face support. Because there is plenty more hell just down the pike.
I hope tomorrow perhaps you will get some responses from forum members who are recovering from addiction as well from their codependent behaviors with addicted partners or addicted family members. They will have a lot of insight. (Sundays are a bit quieter here). And you could visit your local Nar-Anon meeting, read the literature you pick up on a table, listen as others share their stories. Handling all of this business alone will not get you very far.
She uses pain killers because she has an UNCONTROLLABLE craving for them which overrides any thought of the consequences. She is not using painkillers because she is bored with you. But she really hates it that you are getting in her way.
You haven't heard from her because she is chasing the drug. If you try to interrupt her, she will punish you for it. In fact, hasn't that already happened?
It is the cycle of the addict-codependent relationship: CRISIS, SEPARATION, RECONCILIATION......a bit of quiet......then CRISIS.......the same cycle again and again and again. The codependent thinks that if he just says the right words at the right time in the right way, he will talk his addict girlfriend out of her craving (with her entire being) for the drug. He does not believe that he is powerless over the damned addiction.
Do not be alone with this. Get yourself some serious face to face support. Because there is plenty more hell just down the pike.
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Posts: 8,649
Hi HB. Yes there are various definitions of codependent and you don't have to tick all the boxes. I believe it's more about losing yourself, rather than anything else. Do you find that her addictions become the center of your world, of your relationship.
The thing with addicts, although most might not admit it, is they love their drug more than anything else. Their partner, children, other family, probably more than themselves. So if you are going to force her hand, although she may make a half hearted effort at quitting periodically, she will choose the drugs and you enter the "enemy" camp. You're either on the drug train or you can just get out of the way.
It must be her decision to quit. I understand your concern, but once you have stated your concerns, once, twice, three times, she hears it, she is just not accepting it. After that it just becomes an attempt at controlling her behaviour.
You might also want to visit the friends and family of alcoholics forum, you may find reading other's threads helpful. You are not alone.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
The thing with addicts, although most might not admit it, is they love their drug more than anything else. Their partner, children, other family, probably more than themselves. So if you are going to force her hand, although she may make a half hearted effort at quitting periodically, she will choose the drugs and you enter the "enemy" camp. You're either on the drug train or you can just get out of the way.
It must be her decision to quit. I understand your concern, but once you have stated your concerns, once, twice, three times, she hears it, she is just not accepting it. After that it just becomes an attempt at controlling her behaviour.
You might also want to visit the friends and family of alcoholics forum, you may find reading other's threads helpful. You are not alone.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
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Originally Posted by LucyIntheGarden
HB,
I hope tomorrow perhaps you will get some responses from forum members who are recovering from addiction as well from their codependent behaviors with addicted partners or addicted family members. They will have a lot of insight. (Sundays are a bit quieter here). And you could visit your local Nar-Anon meeting, read the literature you pick up on a table, listen as others share their stories. Handling all of this business alone will not get you very far.
She uses pain killers because she has an UNCONTROLLABLE craving for them which overrides any thought of the consequences. She is not using painkillers because she is bored with you. But she really hates it that you are getting in her way.
You haven't heard from her because she is chasing the drug. If you try to interrupt her, she will punish you for it. In fact, hasn't that already happened?
It is the cycle of the addict-codependent relationship: CRISIS, SEPARATION, RECONCILIATION......a bit of quiet......then CRISIS.......the same cycle again and again and again. The codependent thinks that if he just says the right words at the right time in the right way, he will talk his addict girlfriend out of her craving (with her entire being) for the drug. He does not believe that he is powerless over the damned addiction.
Do not be alone with this. Get yourself some serious face to face support. Because there is plenty more hell just down the pike.
I hope tomorrow perhaps you will get some responses from forum members who are recovering from addiction as well from their codependent behaviors with addicted partners or addicted family members. They will have a lot of insight. (Sundays are a bit quieter here). And you could visit your local Nar-Anon meeting, read the literature you pick up on a table, listen as others share their stories. Handling all of this business alone will not get you very far.
She uses pain killers because she has an UNCONTROLLABLE craving for them which overrides any thought of the consequences. She is not using painkillers because she is bored with you. But she really hates it that you are getting in her way.
You haven't heard from her because she is chasing the drug. If you try to interrupt her, she will punish you for it. In fact, hasn't that already happened?
It is the cycle of the addict-codependent relationship: CRISIS, SEPARATION, RECONCILIATION......a bit of quiet......then CRISIS.......the same cycle again and again and again. The codependent thinks that if he just says the right words at the right time in the right way, he will talk his addict girlfriend out of her craving (with her entire being) for the drug. He does not believe that he is powerless over the damned addiction.
Do not be alone with this. Get yourself some serious face to face support. Because there is plenty more hell just down the pike.
I do keep rewinding everything and looking for examples of things I have said or done that caused her to use alcohol and/or drugs. Our intimacy has been nonexistent for 6+ months and I feel awful about it. Truth is I found it difficult to be sexual with her because of the lack of trust and finding the “episodes of chaos” so unattractive. I think about things I would say in attempts to stop it all…”We would be married by now if you never did this stuff”.
She was VERY close to my mother. They would talk several times each day and became close friends. She totally shut her off as well.
I attempted to stop by her parent’s home to confront her and see what the plan is now. What she plans to do with her clothes, countless other items, furniture, appliances, bills, etc. She had replacement cell phone shipped here which is time sensitive and clearly doesn’t care about it. Her mother told me that she did not want to talk and that she knows we “fight all of the time”. We do not fight except for the addiction but I wasn’t going to argue about it anymore. Her family is either in denial or happy she is not screaming and acting like an animal like she typically does when alcohol is involved. They seem fine with her being on prescription drugs.
Sorry for the rant and repeating the same stuff. I’m still in shock because I felt like the hospital ER visit was the last time. She has never blocked me before, even during these episodes which makes feel like I did something wrong and drove her to use pain killers to numb her emotions to end the relationship. I ultimately want to take the blame for things.
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Join Date: Jul 2023
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It is so common, HB, so classic textbook alcoholic/drug addict behavior. that the partner is blamed for drinking or the using. "I wouldn't have to drink so much if you weren't such a b*****!" Commonly heard in an alcoholic marriage. Same thing in drug addiction. It's an excellent way for the addict to puff themselves up in righteous indignation while leaving the house with the sole intent of getting drunk, getting high. It is a ruse.
How about Al-Anon, any meetings near you? Excellent free literature there.
How about Al-Anon, any meetings near you? Excellent free literature there.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,649
Originally Posted by HBHB
I ultimately want to take the blame for things.
She wants to use drugs. You don't want to be in a relationship with someone who uses drugs.
Does that mean one of you should take blame or does that mean that you are just incompatible. I know you want her to be some way that she is not, but you know, we really can't change people and should we actually try? She is who she is, drug addiction and all. You either accept her as she is, or you don't.
You may not like the drugs, society may frown on drug addiction, everyone may agree it's a bad idea to abuse drugs, but ultimately, it is her decision.
You've stated your case, you've argued, you've discussed. She is not interested in changing, certainly not right now.
If you decide to stay in this relationship then do you not need to accept that this will be your relationship going forward?
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I appreciate all of the support and responses and honestly I have learned so much about this situation and myself in the last 24 -36 hours of this thread.
I am suffering from so much guilt right now. I feel that if I were a better partner and paid more attention that perhaps she would not have felt the need to self medicate with opioids. She seems to suffer from severe and debilitating anxiety and depression. It’s hard for me to compartmentalize what are normal relationship stressors versus what is alcoholism and drug addiction.
I hope to find time to attend a meeting of some sort this week and also some for of therapy. In the meantime I appreciate this forum and the feedback.
I am suffering from so much guilt right now. I feel that if I were a better partner and paid more attention that perhaps she would not have felt the need to self medicate with opioids. She seems to suffer from severe and debilitating anxiety and depression. It’s hard for me to compartmentalize what are normal relationship stressors versus what is alcoholism and drug addiction.
I hope to find time to attend a meeting of some sort this week and also some for of therapy. In the meantime I appreciate this forum and the feedback.
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I'm really glad you will seek out some help for yourself, HB. It is obviously a devastating situation for you.
Addiction is a disease of body and brain. And it is very possible she had this disease when you met her 6 years ago. She has abused alcohol, benzodiazepines, codeine, opioids, and probably other drugs you do not know about. This is the result of addictive disease. Not relationship issues.
People in relationships always go through the usual ups and downs, as is human nature, it is part of our maturing, our growth and self-development. Relationships are uncomfortably growth-inducing in the best of circumstances. There will be painful episodes now and then.
And the vast majority of people do not go drug seeking when they are challenged to mature, to work things out with a partner and to be an adult.
My guess is you fell in love with someone who already had addictive disease.. And as addiction always does, the disease progressed. And here she is just in the past week, secretly abusing Tylenol 3 then turning on you. She will abuse whatever she can get her hands on to change her mood.
The abuse of alcohol and drugs creates debilitating anxiety and depression. Particularly the crash after the use of stimulants (cocaine, meth). But also with alcoholism. And with the abuse of other drugs when the addict is experiencing withdrawal and cravings. Craving creates tremendous tremendous feelings of distress in the addict. What you witnessed as debilitating anxiety was almost surely related to drug and alcohol abuse. You didn't cause it.
You can get an education for yourself about the drugs she uses, so you can alleviate these feelings of personal blame for her choices. You can place her in the care of a higher power with love. You can pray, in your own way of praying to your own higher power, that her family will find the help they need so they will not make her drug abuse comfortable for her.
If the first meeting you attend doesn't seem a fit, try another one. It's amazing how often those who love addicts expect the addict to transform, but are unwilling to do that themselves. Read some memoirs written by addicts as well. To solidify in you the knowledge that you are and always be powerless over her, or anyone's, addiction.
Addiction is a disease of body and brain. And it is very possible she had this disease when you met her 6 years ago. She has abused alcohol, benzodiazepines, codeine, opioids, and probably other drugs you do not know about. This is the result of addictive disease. Not relationship issues.
People in relationships always go through the usual ups and downs, as is human nature, it is part of our maturing, our growth and self-development. Relationships are uncomfortably growth-inducing in the best of circumstances. There will be painful episodes now and then.
And the vast majority of people do not go drug seeking when they are challenged to mature, to work things out with a partner and to be an adult.
My guess is you fell in love with someone who already had addictive disease.. And as addiction always does, the disease progressed. And here she is just in the past week, secretly abusing Tylenol 3 then turning on you. She will abuse whatever she can get her hands on to change her mood.
The abuse of alcohol and drugs creates debilitating anxiety and depression. Particularly the crash after the use of stimulants (cocaine, meth). But also with alcoholism. And with the abuse of other drugs when the addict is experiencing withdrawal and cravings. Craving creates tremendous tremendous feelings of distress in the addict. What you witnessed as debilitating anxiety was almost surely related to drug and alcohol abuse. You didn't cause it.
You can get an education for yourself about the drugs she uses, so you can alleviate these feelings of personal blame for her choices. You can place her in the care of a higher power with love. You can pray, in your own way of praying to your own higher power, that her family will find the help they need so they will not make her drug abuse comfortable for her.
If the first meeting you attend doesn't seem a fit, try another one. It's amazing how often those who love addicts expect the addict to transform, but are unwilling to do that themselves. Read some memoirs written by addicts as well. To solidify in you the knowledge that you are and always be powerless over her, or anyone's, addiction.
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Originally Posted by HBHB
I am suffering from so much guilt right now. I feel that if I were a better partner and paid more attention that perhaps she would not have felt the need to self medicate with opioids.
You are probably feeling false guilt. We should probably feel guilty for things we have done wrong, for instance if we hurt someone or some other transgression, but you actually aren't powerful enough to "fix" her addiction or her other mental challenges. She would need to want help first of all and then she would need to seek that professional help.
If love and compassion and care could cure addiction, these forums would be very quiet.
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Still no word from her or her parents at all. When this first happened the parents treated it like a break up. I was at fault for being frustrated when she would use or seem like she’s using and I would tell her to leave. I didn’t mean to be so rude or cold but I was hurt and didn’t want to see her high or drunk. I also had to send her to her parents when alcohol was involved because she would scream like an animal to the point police would show up. I didn’t want the police to arrest her, especially while she was on probation for DUI.
She suffers from major depression, anxiety, OCD and self esteem. She has hardly any friends, no cars and money is running out. I can’t imagine why she’d choose to sit at her parent's home over her life.
The first few days her parents stated they were going to come and kick up her belongings. But the last two interactions with them there was no mention at all of coming to pack her stuff. After living together for so many years there are so many items and belongings at home. I just feel in limbo until either her or her parents contact me and let me know what the plans are. Perhaps they don’t know either? They tell me she is “fine” and “acting normal” to them. Bizarre
She suffers from major depression, anxiety, OCD and self esteem. She has hardly any friends, no cars and money is running out. I can’t imagine why she’d choose to sit at her parent's home over her life.
The first few days her parents stated they were going to come and kick up her belongings. But the last two interactions with them there was no mention at all of coming to pack her stuff. After living together for so many years there are so many items and belongings at home. I just feel in limbo until either her or her parents contact me and let me know what the plans are. Perhaps they don’t know either? They tell me she is “fine” and “acting normal” to them. Bizarre
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Well, you will be in limbo until you decide what you are going to do? You can wait until she and her parents make a decision about what your life is going to be like going forward, or you can set some boundaries.
There really isn't any excuse for nagging or yelling at a person when you are frustrated, but that's something you can work on later. Right now you are no doubt very hurt.
Perhaps because you can't imagine what it's like to be an addict. She could be home with you, having you frustrated and angry, or with her parents who probably are much easier to deal with.
Imagine the shoe on the other foot. Imagine you are struggling with something and you have your loved one yelling at you and asking you to leave. I'm not saying you are wrong for asking her to leave, the situation was out of control, but I'm sure this isn't the first rodeo you two have attended. Your life with an addict is hell - so is hers.
While you might be "right" you don't get to choose her life for her, no matter how much you care for or love her.
Boundaries, what are yours? These are different to rules. For instance a rule might be - you must stop using drugs. When that doesn't happen - you get frustrated.
A boundary would be - if you continue to use drugs and don't seek treatment, we can't be in a relationship so you will have to leave (or you will have to leave as the case may be). With a boundary, there are no rules for the adult to follow. You say what your boundary is, she either goes along with it or you part, that's it. She doesn't actually need to do anything, it's all in your control. Rules are really just for children to follow, not adults.
I'm sorry if this sounds harsh. Please know I'm not trying to lay blame on you - at all. It's just that you are looking to her to solve this, only you can solve this for yourself.
A book that is often recommended here is Codependent no more, by Melody Beattie, you might find it very helpful in setting boundaries going forward.
There really isn't any excuse for nagging or yelling at a person when you are frustrated, but that's something you can work on later. Right now you are no doubt very hurt.
I can’t imagine why she’d choose to sit at her parent's home over her life.
I didn’t handle it correctly and yelled a lot and told her to leave the home and go to her parents. I apologized and took it back - I feel awful. I am always on edge worrying she will relapse on drugs or alcohol. We patched things up from that incident. A week later however she was seemingly on something…
While you might be "right" you don't get to choose her life for her, no matter how much you care for or love her.
Boundaries, what are yours? These are different to rules. For instance a rule might be - you must stop using drugs. When that doesn't happen - you get frustrated.
A boundary would be - if you continue to use drugs and don't seek treatment, we can't be in a relationship so you will have to leave (or you will have to leave as the case may be). With a boundary, there are no rules for the adult to follow. You say what your boundary is, she either goes along with it or you part, that's it. She doesn't actually need to do anything, it's all in your control. Rules are really just for children to follow, not adults.
I'm sorry if this sounds harsh. Please know I'm not trying to lay blame on you - at all. It's just that you are looking to her to solve this, only you can solve this for yourself.
A book that is often recommended here is Codependent no more, by Melody Beattie, you might find it very helpful in setting boundaries going forward.
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Join Date: Jul 2023
Posts: 133
HB, You can sit by the phone or look out the window nonstop.
Or you can go to a meeting. Al-Anon. Nar-Anon. Google. Find your nearest. Put your mixed-up self in a seat and for ONE HOUR just LISTEN to some sanity.
Really excellent pamphlets, books, and clear-headed thinking in those rooms.
You have no recovery tools. So you are going to dive right back into the drama with her at the first opportunity. Many--most--of us here have been as crazy. I know I certainly was, many years ago. It was a dark, anguished time. And I kept waiting for my addicted husband to come back and be nice to me. I was completely nuts.
No one but myself was going to fix my life.
This is about power and control, what is happening now . You have given all your power and direction and self-respect away in this obsession with her coming back and in the delusion that she will put everything right and that you will sweetly stay together . She's in charge, with her silent treatment. She's got you. As crazy as she is. She's in control. This is what happens.
Or you can go to a meeting. Al-Anon. Nar-Anon. Google. Find your nearest. Put your mixed-up self in a seat and for ONE HOUR just LISTEN to some sanity.
Really excellent pamphlets, books, and clear-headed thinking in those rooms.
You have no recovery tools. So you are going to dive right back into the drama with her at the first opportunity. Many--most--of us here have been as crazy. I know I certainly was, many years ago. It was a dark, anguished time. And I kept waiting for my addicted husband to come back and be nice to me. I was completely nuts.
No one but myself was going to fix my life.
This is about power and control, what is happening now . You have given all your power and direction and self-respect away in this obsession with her coming back and in the delusion that she will put everything right and that you will sweetly stay together . She's in charge, with her silent treatment. She's got you. As crazy as she is. She's in control. This is what happens.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2024
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by LucyIntheGarden
HB, You can sit by the phone or look out the window nonstop.
Or you can go to a meeting. Al-Anon. Nar-Anon. Google. Find your nearest. Put your mixed-up self in a seat and for ONE HOUR just LISTEN to some sanity.
Really excellent pamphlets, books, and clear-headed thinking in those rooms.
You have no recovery tools. So you are going to dive right back into the drama with her at the first opportunity. Many--most--of us here have been as crazy. I know I certainly was, many years ago. It was a dark, anguished time. And I kept waiting for my addicted husband to come back and be nice to me. I was completely nuts.
No one but myself was going to fix my life.
This is about power and control, what is happening now . You have given all your power and direction and self-respect away in this obsession with her coming back and in the delusion that she will put everything right and that you will sweetly stay together . She's in charge, with her silent treatment. She's got you. As crazy as she is. She's in control. This is what happens.
Or you can go to a meeting. Al-Anon. Nar-Anon. Google. Find your nearest. Put your mixed-up self in a seat and for ONE HOUR just LISTEN to some sanity.
Really excellent pamphlets, books, and clear-headed thinking in those rooms.
You have no recovery tools. So you are going to dive right back into the drama with her at the first opportunity. Many--most--of us here have been as crazy. I know I certainly was, many years ago. It was a dark, anguished time. And I kept waiting for my addicted husband to come back and be nice to me. I was completely nuts.
No one but myself was going to fix my life.
This is about power and control, what is happening now . You have given all your power and direction and self-respect away in this obsession with her coming back and in the delusion that she will put everything right and that you will sweetly stay together . She's in charge, with her silent treatment. She's got you. As crazy as she is. She's in control. This is what happens.
I arrived home after a few days and realized her things were gone from the home. Most of her things - she left a bike and some other medicine cabinet things, personal hygiene products etc. I found out that she worked with police and a locksmith to gain entry since she did not have a key. I changed the locks on her after the hospital incident. I still have some of my belongings in a storage shed that she maintains. No idea if those items are gone now.
Im confused because her and her family are treating me as if I’m the problem and a bad person. I did nothing wrong. My mother is now blocked as well. She also cut off tv subscriptions she had here.
Now I’m left picking up more pieces and left with even more questions. Not feeling safe in my home either.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,529
Hi HBHB 
s
I understand you are confused, and I would be as well; how and why were there any police with your partner and her mum the other night?
In order for that to happen, she had to have told them she was concerned for her safety, and she had to have told her mother the same thing. Sigh. That is so unfair to you.
I think you are right—I think she was looking for a way of leaving this behind; perhaps she is trying to leave herself behind, thinking she can be a different person in a different place.
I am really sorry you are going through all of this.
sI understand you are confused, and I would be as well; how and why were there any police with your partner and her mum the other night?
In order for that to happen, she had to have told them she was concerned for her safety, and she had to have told her mother the same thing. Sigh. That is so unfair to you.
I think you are right—I think she was looking for a way of leaving this behind; perhaps she is trying to leave herself behind, thinking she can be a different person in a different place.
I am really sorry you are going through all of this.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2021
Posts: 127
I feel for you. My boyfriends giving me the silent treatment and is back on crack cocaine. Whilst I dont take my own advice I hope you are strong enough to take it. Focus on yourself and let her get on with it. I'm trying to wake up tomorrow in the same mindset. He's chosen to ignore me now for 13 hours and yesterday he slept for 16 hours.
It's no fun is it? they arent meeting us in the middle. Its time for us to stop trying!
It's no fun is it? they arent meeting us in the middle. Its time for us to stop trying!
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