Ituvia

I have been with an alcoholic, broke up/seperated and still ended up marrying him when he got sober from alcohol. Never did any program. After a year of going to meetings he stopped but we got married. He started using weed as a coping mechanism and now uses weed from morning to night. He was smoking weed before he met me but stopped while abusing alcohol. And then when he got weed he said it would help with my anxiety. It did until i realized it was causing me more anxiety. And I stopped. He smokes from the minute he wakes up and till he goes to sleep. He doesn't spend any time with me as he was when he was abusing alcohol. We fight exactly the same way. With me unable to control myself from suggesting he quit or take a break and him getting defensive. The trajectory is exactly the same and I issue threats every week to end the marriage but get sweet talked into it when he promises therapy but doesn't bring it up for a week until i talk about his weed use again. I thought I could work on myself and he would do it but he doesn't want to do anything. I don't know why i am unable to let go each time when I try to and we are caught in this high conflict week after week. How do I break free? Why can't I stop myself from getting triggered about his weed use like i used to do with his Alcohol? I am in therapy but she is not trauma informed or addiction specialist. I am in so much pain.

Dee74

I’m sorry for what brings you back here ltuvia.
Having been addicted to alcohol and weed I agree it’s the same trajectory…addiction is addiction.

I think if you’re going to issue ultimatums you really need to follow through with them, as hard as that is.

If you want counselling for the both of you, I think that’s a reasonable ask. Being miserable and in pain is not a good way for anyone to be.

D

Triggered

Hi Ituvia,

It's a harsh lesson to learn but as Dee says, you really need to reinforce those boundaries and follow through your intentions to put them into practice. Addiction takes many forms. But they all follow a common thread. For me personally, I would have been a dry drunk without tackling the issues that drove me to addiction in the first place. Being a dry drunk is one of the most horrible states of existance I could imagine. Your behaviour doesnt change, your attitudes and anger and resentment are all the more apparent because youre still suffering the causes of your addiction but without the means to become oblivious to it. For me it would be like purgatory on earth. I imagine that's why he has chosen to flip his addiction to weed.

In the absence of any kind of self healing, it's not surprising that he is skipping from one addiction to another. And that will continue until he commits himself fully to addressing the reasons he needs to escape from himself.

Just remember that this is a disease of the self, it's impossible to do this for him. You need to start looking after yourself, and dont just pay lip service to it, or just do it because you might influence his actions. You need to take back control of your own well being and stop lending that privilige to his addiction.

Ituvia

I keep getting sucked back into it because clearly i am a codependent. I have been doing some work on myself but somehow when i see weed related paraphernalia getting delivered and see him talking about weed non stop, i get extremely triggered and I cannot stop myself from telling him to cut it out or take a break.

SparkleKitty

I'm so sorry to hear you are still enmeshed in such an unhappy relationship. The only thing that made a difference for me was acceptance that I had no control over others, only myself.

Ituvia

I get that intellectually. I issue threats that i am going to leave but don't follow through and get sweet talked into staying. I am not sure why i don't seem to be able to leave him.

SparkleKitty

Acceptance happens in the head, sure, but it also has to happen in your heart. Surrendering control isn't easy, but accepting you don't actually have it helps.

Triggered

Quite possibly because your self confidence has taken a battering from dealing with his addiction. You have to take the first steps to break free from that type of control. The more you give into it, the deeper you emotionally invest, making it increasingly harder to let go.

Ituvia

My self confidence was never good because I wouldn't have gotten into a relationship with him otherwise. And then he made my life hell with his drinking. He was not physically abusive but the bar was so low. And then he went to rehab when we broke up and we got back together. He knows he just has to do just a bit to get me back. And then he is back to obsessive weed smoking. He even asked me yesterday why it bothers me that he is smoking weed. I have no answer but it does.

Ituvia

When we came back together it was such a relief. Because everyone here said addicts always do this. But he cleaned himself up and attended AA and told me he was serious about recovery. So I thought we beat the odds. It lasted just one year and his brain was back to searching for a substance to abuse. He then started abusing weed immediately. I tried so many times to get him back to AA and NA but he simply gave reasons. And now i think he absolutely believes that AA is not for him. When he was about to find a sponsor and started speaking to someone, he told me he is not a good sponsor because he watches porn even though he has a daughter.
Now the fights have devolved into the same fights as before but the substance is different. He is about to lose his marriage but he still chooses weed. Is there anything else that i can say or do that will prompt him to get help?

Triggered

'When we came back together it was such a relief.'

A relief from what exactly? was it loneliness or was it specifically him that filled the void? Loneliness can be cured relatively easily, co dependancy takes a bit more time and effort. Did you still have reservations when he came back?

'But he cleaned himself up and attended AA and told me he was serious about recovery. So I thought we beat the odds. It lasted just one year and his brain was back to searching for a substance to abuse. '

This aligns with what I said earlier. It's commendable that he made the effort for a year. I know I couldnt do it without addressing underlying issues that made me an addict in the first place. I would be right back at the starting point in no time at all. And that seems to be what has happened with him.

'I tried so many times to get him back to AA and NA but he simply gave reasons.'

excuses more like... he wont do it if he doesnt want to and nothing you can do or say will change that

'And now i think he absolutely believes that AA is not for him. '

let me correct that slightly... he absolutely believes that AA is not for him and his addiction...

there are other methods to quit, the common theme is that you need to want to quit and make the program work for you, if that doesnt work you need the desire and drive to keep searching to find something that does

'When he was about to find a sponsor and started speaking to someone, he told me he is not a good sponsor because he watches porn even though he has a daughter.'

find another sponsor?...find a different way?

'Now the fights have devolved into the same fights as before but the substance is different. '

Given all thats been discussed here are you really surprised?

'He is about to lose his marriage but he still chooses weed. '

And that is the stark reality of what youre left with... you cant make someone choose

'Is there anything else that i can say or do that will prompt him to get help?'

If he is determined not to then the short answer is no. If, however, you keep patching things up while both of you are in denial then youre destined to make the same mistakes over and over. The most productive thing you can do right now is to look after yourself. Scour these forums for help with co dependancy. The help you'll get here is second to none.

Ituvia

I tried to seperate myself emotionally but it's so hard to do. I moved to a new country without any friends or family and just him and with the pandemic I couldn't make any friends. To see this guy sit and smoke and roll his joints and lavish his money on weed related paraphernalia really triggers me and i keep bringing it up gently or angrily. He is so sure that weed is not addictive but I've read so many stories that talk about weed addiction. He says I am stigmatizing medicine which helps his anxiety.

edoering

Weed is addictive. Weed is a drug. Caffeine and alcohol are also drugs! I don’t mean to vilify weed, I have friends who are cancer patients or with lifelong injuries and pain who benefit from incorporating weed into their life routine.

But it is a drug, a medicine, and it is considered a psychoactive drug (similar class as antidepressants). My ex-husband was clean and sober for 7 years, reintroduced weed “recreationally” and in less than a year had a return of his depression, PTSD, started drinking again, added psychedelics, and then left me and ran away from his whole life. Not everyone’s brains react the same way to weed, but it’s everyone‘s individual responsibility to know how weed affects them, and to manage accordingly.

This is probably triggering you because you are seeing addiction take back over in his life, it’s coming back and that led to the dissolution of your relationship last time. So this will be triggering! It might be hard to leave since you are so isolated. Is there family or friends you can visit for a while? To remind yourself of what it feels like to be around other people? In a calm, safe space? That might help you see what life could be like without the chaos of addiction around you, and might help you get clarity of what to do.

sevenofnine

I think you should take a while to consider why you stay. Really allow yourself to honestly examine each if the reasons you continue to stick around for a situation that troubles you.

Maybe write it down, not like a pro con list for deciding, but just to identify the situation. No pressure to decide. Just to get a picture of what the positive stuff is, what needs are not met, what needs are, what you can live with, what you can't. Be honest about all your fears and all your motivations (for example, it's hard for me to openly admit, but at one time, my ex being my drug source played a factor. That was hard to admit to myself and face, but being willing to give up cannabis was needed if i was to contemplate leaving).

When you have a detailed picture of the parts of the problem, but also the picture of why you stay, maybe that will help you decide what to do. Only you can weigh out the different pieces--each of us values and experiences things in our unique way and what doesn't work for me may be manageable for you. What may have been manageable in the past for you may be unacceptable now.

While you are getting a picture of it in front of you, all the facets, don't even try to figure it out. Way before you can figure it out, you have to get honest with yourself about where you really are and why. Once you have that clear picture of where you are, you may find that the map is right there and the path becomes more clear for you.

For a lot of us, that path is leaving. And I can't overhype the awesomeness of leaving! But for you that may not be the path. But whichever way you go, having a clear and honest picture of why you are going that direction is an important first step and will help you define the things you need to do to move forward whichever way you go.