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Not sure what part I should play in his life

Old 07-19-2020, 09:58 AM
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any
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Not sure what part I should play in his life

Hi,
I just joined here because recently my boyfriend has been admitted to rehab for alcohol. Him and I have only been dating for a year, and honesty the year had a lot of low moments. Let me explain from the beginning! We are in a long distance relationship while I go to school. We started dating right when I left for college, and I was really hopeful that he would be the one for me. When I first moved to AZ our communication was really bad, he would sometimes just not answer my texts or he wouldnít call me. He never acts how my day is going or anything like that. He sometimes got mad if I went out to parties. (I understand because he didnít want me around guys) I understand some people think this is normal but Iíve only ever had constant communication(I donít think constant communication is the healthiest either, I believe thereís a balance) our relationship would get to the point where weíd go hours without talking because his phone died or he just wouldnít answer. Fast forward, i caught him texting his ex she still dms him from time to time. He blamed it on him being drunk, but I was still hurt. He would tell me he loved me and he wants to marry me but then heíd go and sometimes ditch me for his friends, like tell me weíd hang out then go to his friends instead. I know this may not seem like a big deal but it happened a lot. He also drank everyday and I didnít know if that was normal or not. Heíd drink so much sometimes heíd get sick and have to go to the ER. One time the doctor told him he almost died because of his heart, and he didnít go to rehab. Instead he said he could do it on his own and then he started drinking a month later. (Iím not judging him at all I understand addiction is hard go through) I made sure to take care of him and always be there for him. Fast forward again... it was my birthday and he didnít get me a gift and didnít even try to see my on my birthday. He said this was all because he wanted to drink and He revolved everything around drinking. I believe him on that but it still doesnít hurt any less. Present day, heís in rehab and he still has terrible withdraws and I canít help but worry. Iíve read online and gotten advice from people to just be friends with him so he can focus on himself. I brought that up to him and him and his family kind of freaked out on me, which I get. I wasnít trying to leave him I was doing what I thought was best. I constantly stay up and worry about him, I canít sleep, canít eat, and I know thatís so selfish. He has texted me suicidal messages and then I wonít hear from him. Iím pretty young and itís just getting to be a lot. Again, I know Iím being selfish but I donít know what to do. Heís treated me badly in the past and I understand part of that was the addiction but at the same time itís hard to stand by somebody who hurt you badly. Also I spend my entire day freaking out on if heís okay or not. So I guess my question is what should I do? Am I being selfish for wanting space? I love him but itís getting to be a lot for me to handle and I feel like I canít even be the rock he wants me to be.
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Old 07-19-2020, 10:08 AM
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any

Welcome! You will find lots of information here.

I think you already know what to do. It's just not something we want. It's best for you. If you wanted to be in a relationship, and had a vision of what that and marriage would look like, would you choose where you are? Of course not. Take time for you and move on. If you stay, there are only more difficult times ahead which you can't imagine. I'm so sorry. Just know, moving on saves your special beautiful person for one that CAN treat you like you should be treated.

AG
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Old 07-19-2020, 02:05 PM
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any
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Hi,
the issue is Iím still so in love with him and canít imagine a life without him. I want this to work so badly. Is that weird? Even after everything?
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Old 07-19-2020, 02:08 PM
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[QUOTE=any;7480003]Hi,
the issue is Iím still so in love with him and canít imagine a life without him. I want this to work so badly. Is that weird? Even after everything?[/QUOTE

Very normal but in no way healthy for you or him. In fact, letting him go might be the best way to show love for the both of you.
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Old 07-19-2020, 03:46 PM
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He would tell me he loved me and he wants to marry me but then heíd go and sometimes ditch me for his friends, like tell me weíd hang out then go to his friends instead. I know this may not seem like a big deal but it happened a lot. He also drank everyday and I didnít know if that was normal or not. Heíd drink so much sometimes heíd get sick and have to go to the ER.
No, that's not normal except for those who are addicted to a substance, in his case alcohol.

Now is a good time for you to take a giant step back and find some help for yourself to discover why you allow him to treat you this was. A toxic relationship has no place good to go. Is this the kind of person you want to marry and spend the rest of your life with? He brings nothing to the relationship, you will continue to get hurt until you say "enough" and realize that you deserve to be treated better than this.

Take a good read around, I think the sticky threads at the top of this forum might be a good start for you to read and learn that how you treat yourself is what matters here, more than even how others treat you.
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Old 07-19-2020, 07:03 PM
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Leaving him

Everytime I try to take a step back and leave him he always says like ďthanks for leaving me when I need you the mostĒ or he begs me to stay and that he will change. He will tell me like no our relationship is stronger than this, we arenít breaking up. Since heís been admitted Iíve try to step back from his life because itís been a huge process and I wanted him to focus on himself and not our relationship. When I tried to take a step back his family was even like Iím disappointed in you for leaving at a time like this. When I wasnít technically leaving, I said he could talk to me any time. I still love him obviously but heís in rehab recovering he shouldnít be worried about our relationship right now, but itís hard to stay when so many things have happened since heís gone, like him sending scary messages. This whole thing just makes me feel selfish.
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Old 07-19-2020, 09:45 PM
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You are NOT being selfish! He has a LOT of problems and hopefully, will be fine someday. But if he’s still sending you texts threatening to harm himself, he has a long road to recovery.
This is a LOT for anyone to handle, much less a young college age woman.
I understand why his parents want you to stick by him but they are only thinking about what’s best for HIM. That’s a very unfair, selfish burden to put on you.
Do you have anyone to talk to? Your parents or a counselor?
Also, does the rehab center or his family know he’s still threatening to kill himself?
He’s has control issues with you too, which is a huge red flag.
If you were my daughter or little sister, I would say put yourself first. I’d be very concerned about YOU and your happiness.
In just a year or two, who knows? Hopefully, he will be sober, healthy, more emotionally mature and maybe you two can work things out. Until then, focus on school and yourself. Again, you are not being selfish—-you are being smart.
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Old 07-20-2020, 05:48 AM
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any
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Originally Posted by Zevin View Post
You are NOT being selfish! He has a LOT of problems and hopefully, will be fine someday. But if heís still sending you texts threatening to harm himself, he has a long road to recovery.
Do you have anyone to talk to? Your parents or a counselor?
Also, does the rehab center or his family know heís still threatening to kill himself?
.
i talk to my mom but it doesnít always help. She is trying to set me up with a counselor but it takes awhile before you can actually talk to somebody. The rehab center and family knew he texted me threatening messages, and he actually sent the night in a psychiatric hospital. They let him go the next day because apparently his psych evaluation was ďoutstandingĒ. I know he should be out of my life but Itís really hard and now I donít want his family texting me how disappointed they are.
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Old 07-20-2020, 07:35 PM
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Replace Drinking with hitting you... One in the same really. Isn't he always the taker? Shouldn't the man be the one who protects? Who are you trying to be? God? His parents? I ask these questions because an alcoholic or addict WILL say ANYTHING to keep that addition and person around. HE has NO idea how to love. None. He isn't in sound mind and so his words are just words.

Addiction isn't rational. How do you understand something that isn't rational?

I feel for you but if you keep going back it WILL NOT get any better, only worse. I'm sorry! Truly..

AG


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Old 07-21-2020, 06:49 AM
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any,
There is a book called "Codependent No More", by Melody Beattie. I suggest very strongly that you read this book (or listen to it in audio format). My daughter was a young woman, probably around your age the first time she read it. It was a life saver for her, it was for me too, I only wish I'd read it at your age and not 20 years later. please consider reading this book. It will explain things you hadn't even questioned and will teach you things to help yourself become stronger and calmer. Loving someone with addiction issues is rough stuff, "Codependent No More" can give you some tools to make it a little less stressful. I'm a better person, living a better life because I read that book. (Many times)
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Old 07-21-2020, 09:05 AM
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any
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Originally Posted by SmallButMighty View Post
any,
There is a book called "Codependent No More", by Melody Beattie. I suggest very strongly that you read this book (or listen to it in audio format). My daughter was a young woman, probably around your age the first time she read it. It was a life saver for her, it was for me too, I only wish I'd read it at your age and not 20 years later. please consider reading this book. It will explain things you hadn't even questioned and will teach you things to help yourself become stronger and calmer. Loving someone with addiction issues is rough stuff, "Codependent No More" can give you some tools to make it a little less stressful. I'm a better person, living a better life because I read that book. (Many times)

just bought the book thank you!!
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