Recovering meth addict broke up with me
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One thing I am confident about is that I never tried to change him or that I loved him because of his potential. I simply loved him because there was a strong connection there. He was never a project for me. He was simply first my friend and then someone that later turned into my boyfriend, someone that I really loved.
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He said that it has been one of the adult relationship he has ever had and that he doesn't know how to handle it. He said he's been getting to know himself more and more. After the breakup in July, he said his therapist asked why he broke up with me then and he said that it was because he was simply not ready yet. He said every time someone gets close, he wants to run and that I am the closest partner he's ever had.
we often recommend that we look at ACTIONS not words. so in the above i count five He Saids. no wait, make that six.
then we have his actions.....three breakups, multiple relapses and a whole lotta sleeping around.
when an addict 'admits' something there is likely a kernel of truth in there. but it's the same as any drunk driver who gets pulled over - when the cops ask "how much have you had to drink tonite?" - the answer is always "just a couple, sir". addicts will say whatever they have to and say just enough to appease the other person. which again is NEVER personal - it's just what addicts do to protect and defend their primary objective - which is to use again and not get crap for it. it can SEEM honest....but you never get the full story. and it's always worse than you can imagine. always.
one more time - meth is no joke. it is evil and relentless. and this is from a former crackhead. which was bad enough. if i sound harsh, it's because i am reporting from the trenches.
see this is another life experience. learn from it, learn about yourself. and move on.
we often recommend that we look at ACTIONS not words. so in the above i count five He Saids. no wait, make that six.
then we have his actions.....three breakups, multiple relapses and a whole lotta sleeping around.
when an addict 'admits' something there is likely a kernel of truth in there. but it's the same as any drunk driver who gets pulled over - when the cops ask "how much have you had to drink tonite?" - the answer is always "just a couple, sir". addicts will say whatever they have to and say just enough to appease the other person. which again is NEVER personal - it's just what addicts do to protect and defend their primary objective - which is to use again and not get crap for it. it can SEEM honest....but you never get the full story. and it's always worse than you can imagine. always.
one more time - meth is no joke. it is evil and relentless. and this is from a former crackhead. which was bad enough. if i sound harsh, it's because i am reporting from the trenches.
see this is another life experience. learn from it, learn about yourself. and move on.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
He said that it has been one of the adult relationship he has ever had and that he doesn't know how to handle it. He said he's been getting to know himself more and more. After the breakup in July, he said his therapist asked why he broke up with me then and he said that it was because he was simply not ready yet. He said every time someone gets close, he wants to run and that I am the closest partner he's ever had.
we often recommend that we look at ACTIONS not words. so in the above i count five He Saids. no wait, make that six.
then we have his actions.....three breakups, multiple relapses and a whole lotta sleeping around.
when an addict 'admits' something there is likely a kernel of truth in there. but it's the same as any drunk driver who gets pulled over - when the cops ask "how much have you had to drink tonite?" - the answer is always "just a couple, sir". addicts will say whatever they have to and say just enough to appease the other person. which again is NEVER personal - it's just what addicts do to protect and defend their primary objective - which is to use again and not get crap for it. it can SEEM honest....but you never get the full story. and it's always worse than you can imagine. always.
one more time - meth is no joke. it is evil and relentless. and this is from a former crackhead. which was bad enough. if i sound harsh, it's because i am reporting from the trenches.
see this is another life experience. learn from it, learn about yourself. and move on.
we often recommend that we look at ACTIONS not words. so in the above i count five He Saids. no wait, make that six.
then we have his actions.....three breakups, multiple relapses and a whole lotta sleeping around.
when an addict 'admits' something there is likely a kernel of truth in there. but it's the same as any drunk driver who gets pulled over - when the cops ask "how much have you had to drink tonite?" - the answer is always "just a couple, sir". addicts will say whatever they have to and say just enough to appease the other person. which again is NEVER personal - it's just what addicts do to protect and defend their primary objective - which is to use again and not get crap for it. it can SEEM honest....but you never get the full story. and it's always worse than you can imagine. always.
one more time - meth is no joke. it is evil and relentless. and this is from a former crackhead. which was bad enough. if i sound harsh, it's because i am reporting from the trenches.
see this is another life experience. learn from it, learn about yourself. and move on.
I thought the act of him coming to visit me and finally coming clean about things was him taking action. Every time I was suspicious about his whereabouts he'd call and take a photo even if I told him it was not necessary. There are some things that he's done that led me to believe he's been taking his recovery seriously. I know he's been volunteering at a senior citizen home. But again, you might be right.
AnvilheadII, thank you so much for your perspective since you are a former crack addict. I cannot even begin to fathom it all. I feel like an idiot for believing him.
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You shouldn't feel like an idiot. He's probably been at this a long time, he's probably pretty good at putting on a show/lying.
I never take responsibility for someone's lies. If they lie to me that's all on them, nothing to do with me. We do always have to be aware of the actions though, as Anvil mentioned.
It's going to take a lot more than volunteer work to fix this. Meth and sex and he keeps getting dragged back in to both. The on again off again is probably him wanting to be in a relationship but he keeps going back to the addictions, perhaps, so he panics.
Sure come and visit, this relationship is great! Next day he reverses because to be with you would mean giving up meth and random sex. The reality of that is, obviously, too much for him.
It hurts, I know, even though you are perhaps realizing now what he's really up to (we can't say for sure but all the signs point to that). You will get past the hurt.
How? First by writing down every terrible thing he has ever done and keeping that list with you. Every time he has said something to hurt you every thing he has done that hurt you (even if you think it was unintentional). Refer to that list every time you start thinking about the good times.
This relationship is going nowhere. He's called it off, he knows what he is and he may really be trying to spare you the hurt (or himself the guilt) of what he is doing.
All you can really do is take very good care of yourself, be kind to yourself, you deserve kindness and respect.
I never take responsibility for someone's lies. If they lie to me that's all on them, nothing to do with me. We do always have to be aware of the actions though, as Anvil mentioned.
It's going to take a lot more than volunteer work to fix this. Meth and sex and he keeps getting dragged back in to both. The on again off again is probably him wanting to be in a relationship but he keeps going back to the addictions, perhaps, so he panics.
Sure come and visit, this relationship is great! Next day he reverses because to be with you would mean giving up meth and random sex. The reality of that is, obviously, too much for him.
It hurts, I know, even though you are perhaps realizing now what he's really up to (we can't say for sure but all the signs point to that). You will get past the hurt.
How? First by writing down every terrible thing he has ever done and keeping that list with you. Every time he has said something to hurt you every thing he has done that hurt you (even if you think it was unintentional). Refer to that list every time you start thinking about the good times.
This relationship is going nowhere. He's called it off, he knows what he is and he may really be trying to spare you the hurt (or himself the guilt) of what he is doing.
All you can really do is take very good care of yourself, be kind to yourself, you deserve kindness and respect.
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you had nothing to go on to NOT believe him! you may have missed a red flag or 12, but you were not a private investigator - you were a new partner. he wasn't wearing a sign around his neck. so cut yourself a bit of slack.
know what you know now. add it to the arsenal and carry on.
know what you know now. add it to the arsenal and carry on.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
He said that it has been one of the adult relationship he has ever had and that he doesn't know how to handle it. He said he's been getting to know himself more and more. After the breakup in July, he said his therapist asked why he broke up with me then and he said that it was because he was simply not ready yet. He said every time someone gets close, he wants to run and that I am the closest partner he's ever had.
we often recommend that we look at ACTIONS not words. so in the above i count five He Saids. no wait, make that six.
then we have his actions.....three breakups, multiple relapses and a whole lotta sleeping around.
when an addict 'admits' something there is likely a kernel of truth in there. but it's the same as any drunk driver who gets pulled over - when the cops ask "how much have you had to drink tonite?" - the answer is always "just a couple, sir". addicts will say whatever they have to and say just enough to appease the other person. which again is NEVER personal - it's just what addicts do to protect and defend their primary objective - which is to use again and not get crap for it. it can SEEM honest....but you never get the full story. and it's always worse than you can imagine. always.
one more time - meth is no joke. it is evil and relentless. and this is from a former crackhead. which was bad enough. if i sound harsh, it's because i am reporting from the trenches.
see this is another life experience. learn from it, learn about yourself. and move on.
we often recommend that we look at ACTIONS not words. so in the above i count five He Saids. no wait, make that six.
then we have his actions.....three breakups, multiple relapses and a whole lotta sleeping around.
when an addict 'admits' something there is likely a kernel of truth in there. but it's the same as any drunk driver who gets pulled over - when the cops ask "how much have you had to drink tonite?" - the answer is always "just a couple, sir". addicts will say whatever they have to and say just enough to appease the other person. which again is NEVER personal - it's just what addicts do to protect and defend their primary objective - which is to use again and not get crap for it. it can SEEM honest....but you never get the full story. and it's always worse than you can imagine. always.
one more time - meth is no joke. it is evil and relentless. and this is from a former crackhead. which was bad enough. if i sound harsh, it's because i am reporting from the trenches.
see this is another life experience. learn from it, learn about yourself. and move on.
Originally Posted by trailmix
You shouldn't feel like an idiot. He's probably been at this a long time, he's probably pretty good at putting on a show/lying.
I never take responsibility for someone's lies. If they lie to me that's all on them, nothing to do with me. We do always have to be aware of the actions though, as Anvil mentioned.
It's going to take a lot more than volunteer work to fix this. Meth and sex and he keeps getting dragged back in to both. The on again off again is probably him wanting to be in a relationship but he keeps going back to the addictions, perhaps, so he panics.
Sure come and visit, this relationship is great! Next day he reverses because to be with you would mean giving up meth and random sex. The reality of that is, obviously, too much for him.
It hurts, I know, even though you are perhaps realizing now what he's really up to (we can't say for sure but all the signs point to that). You will get past the hurt.
How? First by writing down every terrible thing he has ever done and keeping that list with you. Every time he has said something to hurt you every thing he has done that hurt you (even if you think it was unintentional). Refer to that list every time you start thinking about the good times.
This relationship is going nowhere. He's called it off, he knows what he is and he may really be trying to spare you the hurt (or himself the guilt) of what he is doing.
All you can really do is take very good care of yourself, be kind to yourself, you deserve kindness and respect.
I never take responsibility for someone's lies. If they lie to me that's all on them, nothing to do with me. We do always have to be aware of the actions though, as Anvil mentioned.
It's going to take a lot more than volunteer work to fix this. Meth and sex and he keeps getting dragged back in to both. The on again off again is probably him wanting to be in a relationship but he keeps going back to the addictions, perhaps, so he panics.
Sure come and visit, this relationship is great! Next day he reverses because to be with you would mean giving up meth and random sex. The reality of that is, obviously, too much for him.
It hurts, I know, even though you are perhaps realizing now what he's really up to (we can't say for sure but all the signs point to that). You will get past the hurt.
How? First by writing down every terrible thing he has ever done and keeping that list with you. Every time he has said something to hurt you every thing he has done that hurt you (even if you think it was unintentional). Refer to that list every time you start thinking about the good times.
This relationship is going nowhere. He's called it off, he knows what he is and he may really be trying to spare you the hurt (or himself the guilt) of what he is doing.
All you can really do is take very good care of yourself, be kind to yourself, you deserve kindness and respect.
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It can be numbing at first when you are realizing all this. That's the body's defence mechanism and it's normal!
I mean really, if you think about it, he has been a dual addict for how many years (do you know)? Now he has to focus on his healing. The ups and downs and responsibility and attention a relationship takes is too much right now - and maybe he can't handle both - he has said that really. He's not ready.
He said he doesn't even know who he is. That's not unusual. After years of addiction and just giving in to mind altering drugs etc - how can he know who he is?
He is not relationship material right now.
What were your expectations or what are your expectations?
I mean really, if you think about it, he has been a dual addict for how many years (do you know)? Now he has to focus on his healing. The ups and downs and responsibility and attention a relationship takes is too much right now - and maybe he can't handle both - he has said that really. He's not ready.
He said he doesn't even know who he is. That's not unusual. After years of addiction and just giving in to mind altering drugs etc - how can he know who he is?
He is not relationship material right now.
What were your expectations or what are your expectations?
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Well he told me that he started using drugs in his 20's, but did not start meth until 4 or 5 years ago. He said he injected it once, but did not like the way it made him feel and instead smoked it. He told me he had been single for the last 6 years and would just go online to have hookups without feelings and would leave him in a bad place, saying it's not what he wanted. When he relapsed in June, his only relapse after rehab to my knowledge, he mentioned that he immediately knew it was a bad idea. He's made an effort to get to know my friends and even called my sister to make sure I was ok when we separated the two times before.
I really did not have any expectations other than getting through this together. What I did not expect was feeling like I was being trashed again. He just said he had to heal on his own. It all just feels so strange and too sudden.
I really did not have any expectations other than getting through this together. What I did not expect was feeling like I was being trashed again. He just said he had to heal on his own. It all just feels so strange and too sudden.
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What was he using before meth?
Well let's just look at the facts.
- He has been a drug user since he was 23, approximately. 20 years.
- He has been addicted to meth and using it for 4-5 years
- He is a sex addict and goes online for random hook ups (not judging here, but that's something you don't do when you are in a relationship).
- He has lied to you about using and cheating
So for 20 years, at least, he hasn't been clean, so yes, he doesn't know himself. Also when you use drugs all the time you don't have to deal with emotion and bother about a lot of things that you have to when you are sober.
Drugs change the brain, his brain and body are healing (assuming he is telling you the truth).
There is no guarantee there will be a relationship later. No guarantee he will be the same person. No guarantee about how long it will take for him to start to really recover, no guarantee if he will be interested in a relationship at that point.
Is that something you want to wait around for?
And even that is assuming he is telling you the truth. For all you know he could be relapsing all the time and as you said, he just hasn't gotten around to telling you the truth yet.
As for the long distance thing, each meeting is pretty much a disaster of some sort, so I don't think that's it.
Well let's just look at the facts.
- He has been a drug user since he was 23, approximately. 20 years.
- He has been addicted to meth and using it for 4-5 years
- He is a sex addict and goes online for random hook ups (not judging here, but that's something you don't do when you are in a relationship).
- He has lied to you about using and cheating
So for 20 years, at least, he hasn't been clean, so yes, he doesn't know himself. Also when you use drugs all the time you don't have to deal with emotion and bother about a lot of things that you have to when you are sober.
Drugs change the brain, his brain and body are healing (assuming he is telling you the truth).
There is no guarantee there will be a relationship later. No guarantee he will be the same person. No guarantee about how long it will take for him to start to really recover, no guarantee if he will be interested in a relationship at that point.
Is that something you want to wait around for?
And even that is assuming he is telling you the truth. For all you know he could be relapsing all the time and as you said, he just hasn't gotten around to telling you the truth yet.
As for the long distance thing, each meeting is pretty much a disaster of some sort, so I don't think that's it.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
What was he using before meth?
Well let's just look at the facts.
- He has been a drug user since he was 23, approximately. 20 years.
- He has been addicted to meth and using it for 4-5 years
- He is a sex addict and goes online for random hook ups (not judging here, but that's something you don't do when you are in a relationship).
- He has lied to you about using and cheating
So for 20 years, at least, he hasn't been clean, so yes, he doesn't know himself. Also when you use drugs all the time you don't have to deal with emotion and bother about a lot of things that you have to when you are sober.
Drugs change the brain, his brain and body are healing (assuming he is telling you the truth).
There is no guarantee there will be a relationship later. No guarantee he will be the same person. No guarantee about how long it will take for him to start to really recover, no guarantee if he will be interested in a relationship at that point.
Is that something you want to wait around for?
And even that is assuming he is telling you the truth. For all you know he could be relapsing all the time and as you said, he just hasn't gotten around to telling you the truth yet.
As for the long distance thing, each meeting is pretty much a disaster of some sort, so I don't think that's it.
Well let's just look at the facts.
- He has been a drug user since he was 23, approximately. 20 years.
- He has been addicted to meth and using it for 4-5 years
- He is a sex addict and goes online for random hook ups (not judging here, but that's something you don't do when you are in a relationship).
- He has lied to you about using and cheating
So for 20 years, at least, he hasn't been clean, so yes, he doesn't know himself. Also when you use drugs all the time you don't have to deal with emotion and bother about a lot of things that you have to when you are sober.
Drugs change the brain, his brain and body are healing (assuming he is telling you the truth).
There is no guarantee there will be a relationship later. No guarantee he will be the same person. No guarantee about how long it will take for him to start to really recover, no guarantee if he will be interested in a relationship at that point.
Is that something you want to wait around for?
And even that is assuming he is telling you the truth. For all you know he could be relapsing all the time and as you said, he just hasn't gotten around to telling you the truth yet.
As for the long distance thing, each meeting is pretty much a disaster of some sort, so I don't think that's it.
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Originally Posted by aabh
He said he's used/tried cocaine, heroin, GHB, mushrooms, and ecstacy in the past. I was so shocked. The facts look so bad when listed like that. The sex addiction came from his use of meth according to what his doctor told me. Each meeting itself has been good, it's just when either person leaves. I just don't know anymore and feel so stupid even trying to defend him at this point. It really sucks.
It’s does really suck, this guy is a mess. A toxic mess of behavioral and substance addictions, and he’s been like this for a long time. And when you love someone like this, it can be crazy making to try to shift through the ick and the muck and try to figure out what’s true, what’s a lie, what’s a half truth, what’s real, what’s an illusion. Bottom line is this is hurting you deeply, yes?
When do take space from him and talk about this, do feel like you’re starting to come out the fog a little bit? Like, what I am doing? Why am I with this guy? I might love him, but he’s a mess? Do you feel like your self preservation instincts are kicking in (it sounds like to to me from some of the things you said)?
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Originally Posted by pdm22
It’s does really suck, this guy is a mess. A toxic mess of behavioral and substance addictions, and he’s been like this for a long time. And when you love someone like this, it can be crazy making to try to shift through the ick and the muck and try to figure out what’s true, what’s a lie, what’s a half truth, what’s real, what’s an illusion. Bottom line is this is hurting you deeply, yes?
When do take space from him and talk about this, do feel like you’re starting to come out the fog a little bit? Like, what I am doing? Why am I with this guy? I might love him, but he’s a mess? Do you feel like your self preservation instincts are kicking in (it sounds like to to me from some of the things you said)?
When do take space from him and talk about this, do feel like you’re starting to come out the fog a little bit? Like, what I am doing? Why am I with this guy? I might love him, but he’s a mess? Do you feel like your self preservation instincts are kicking in (it sounds like to to me from some of the things you said)?
I do think my self preservation has kicked otherwise I feel like I will completely crumble. I always thought I was rational and logical, but also a risk taker when necessary. There seriously was a lot of love I believed. He never asked for anything and was so proud to show me to his friends and family. But here I am lost. I was already healing some of my own past trauma which I've shared with him. We'd lay in his bed and talk in the middle of the night about everything and even took a trip together. It's just too volatile at the moment, though.
I must edit to add that he wanted to do counseling as a couple as well as have me come to his meetings with him when I was back. It really seemed like he was making an effort.
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feel so stupid even trying to defend him at this point
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Originally Posted by nez
Whenever I start trying to defend or justify behavior, whether it is my behavior or the behavior of some else; I need to look closely at the behavior and why I need to defend or justify it. Don't feel stupid, it is merely your soul sending you messages. Listen to the messages.
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Originally Posted by aabh
When I was back in Amsterdam in June, I was hanging out with a group of expats from the USA that had become my new friends. I was talking about the situation and one of the women looked me in the eyes and said "Oh honey, one doesn't just start meth. He's probably used many drugs before." Again, I have no experience with this and when I asked him, that's when he told me the substances he had used before. Talking about it really gives me a different perspective and side on the situation. I told him that it felt like being dropped in a forest, blindfolded no less, and just getting constantly hit with things. He just continuously says I didn't do anything wrong and that it's him. He says he shouldn't be crying as much as he does. He has literally hyperventilated several of times in the past week.
I do think my self preservation has kicked otherwise I feel like I will completely crumble. I always thought I was rational and logical, but also a risk taker when necessary. There seriously was a lot of love I believed. He never asked for anything and was so proud to show me to his friends and family. But here I am lost. I was already healing some of my own past trauma which I've shared with him. We'd lay in his bed and talk in the middle of the night about everything and even took a trip together. It's just too volatile at the moment, though.
I must edit to add that he wanted to do counseling as a couple as well as have me come to his meetings with him when I was back. It really seemed like he was making an effort.
As far as the couple counseling, the very nature of addiction makes a person extremely manipulative, and going to see a counselor when in active addiction is just going to give him more info on what your vulnerabilities are. Because at this point he knows your vulnerabilities, which just isn’t a good idea with someone in active addiction. My thinking on that is it’s probaly a good thing that didn’t happen, I think it would have sucked you in deeper
. Also, the push- pull stuff, is very hard on the person on the receiving end. I’d say just be mindful of when you start to feel better and start getting some distance, because then all of a sudden, here they come, saying all of the “right” things, wanting you back, sometimes on really good behavior too. :/ It’s a roller coaster ride that can go on for a really, really long time (until you make the decision to get off). He’s not well, and forming attachments to / bonding with someone like this takes a devastating toll on loved ones emotionally (and oftentimes financially if you aren’t super careful).
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Originally Posted by aabh
The facts look so bad when listed like that
- He has been a drug user since he was 23, approximately. 20 years.
- he's used/tried cocaine, heroin, GHB, mushrooms, and ecstacy in the past
- He has been addicted to meth and using it for 4-5 years
- He is a sex addict and goes online for random hook ups (not judging here, but that's something you don't do when you are in a relationship).
- He has lied to you about using and cheating
This is why it's important to make that list. It's easier to brush off things if they are just being given to you in bits and bites.
If you look at that list, is that the person you want and need as your partner in life?
You also mention that the visits went quite well until whichever one of you were leaving. What about him sneaking out to use meth, what about the intervention that caught you off guard? Then on the last visit he tells you he knows he should marry you then says:
"He said he loves me until death and that he did not want me waiting for him as he did not know how long his healing would take".
Again, action not words. Did he ASK you to marry him? No, he talks the good talk and these are probably his wants and dreams, but that does not mean he is any position to do any of these things.
Now I'm not saying he is a bad guy, I'm sure he has some admirable qualities. He also has a lot of problems. These problems affect you and how you live and think and feel. The center of your world right now is probably him and his drug use/hopeful recovery.
Your world is now watching him cry from the other side of the world. Is that the life you want? Are you to be his therapist? Caretaker?
He has told you he is in no place to be in a relationship and he is absolutely right. Now that is not to say that he might not be some day, but giving say, at least a year to do those ACTIONS and make a real start on recovery is very important.
Also keep in mind this is a 41 year old man, not a 15 year old. Is his behaviour that of a grown person?
Many people surmise that emotional development stops or is severely hindered when a person starts using drugs at an early age. This is, of course, because they do not have to use or learn coping mechanisms that we all develop as we grow. Instead feelings are covered with drugs.
Detach. His fight is not your fight. By being totally enmeshed in his problems you are leaving nothing for yourself true? Have you been to Al-Anon? I really think you would find that helpful as well.
What do you get out of this relationship?
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My head says run and never look back, but my heart says otherwise. As for my soul, I am trying to feel that and it has a combination of both.
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Originally Posted by pdm22
I believe in relationships like this, this is the hook, and what you have in common with this guy. The bonding over past traumas, and relating on this level. The problem is, is he’s not well, and he’s addictions are like a black hole that will suck you in right along with him.
As far as the couple counseling, the very nature of addiction makes a person extremely manipulative, and going to see a counselor when in active addiction is just going to give him more info on what your vulnerabilities are. Because at this point he knows your vulnerabilities, which just isn’t a good idea with someone in active addiction. My thinking on that is it’s probaly a good thing that didn’t happen, I think it would have sucked you in deeper
.
Also, the push- pull stuff, is very hard on the person on the receiving end. I’d say just be mindful of when you start to feel better and start getting some distance, because then all of a sudden, here they come, saying all of the “right” things, wanting you back, sometimes on really good behavior too. :/ It’s a roller coaster ride that can go on for a really, really long time (until you make the decision to get off). He’s not well, and forming attachments to / bonding with someone like this takes a devastating toll on loved ones emotionally (and oftentimes financially if you aren’t super careful).
As far as the couple counseling, the very nature of addiction makes a person extremely manipulative, and going to see a counselor when in active addiction is just going to give him more info on what your vulnerabilities are. Because at this point he knows your vulnerabilities, which just isn’t a good idea with someone in active addiction. My thinking on that is it’s probaly a good thing that didn’t happen, I think it would have sucked you in deeper
. Also, the push- pull stuff, is very hard on the person on the receiving end. I’d say just be mindful of when you start to feel better and start getting some distance, because then all of a sudden, here they come, saying all of the “right” things, wanting you back, sometimes on really good behavior too. :/ It’s a roller coaster ride that can go on for a really, really long time (until you make the decision to get off). He’s not well, and forming attachments to / bonding with someone like this takes a devastating toll on loved ones emotionally (and oftentimes financially if you aren’t super careful).
Originally Posted by trailmix
We can add the other facts:
- He has been a drug user since he was 23, approximately. 20 years.
- he's used/tried cocaine, heroin, GHB, mushrooms, and ecstacy in the past
- He has been addicted to meth and using it for 4-5 years
- He is a sex addict and goes online for random hook ups (not judging here, but that's something you don't do when you are in a relationship).
- He has lied to you about using and cheating
This is why it's important to make that list. It's easier to brush off things if they are just being given to you in bits and bites.
If you look at that list, is that the person you want and need as your partner in life?
You also mention that the visits went quite well until whichever one of you were leaving. What about him sneaking out to use meth, what about the intervention that caught you off guard? Then on the last visit he tells you he knows he should marry you then says:
"He said he loves me until death and that he did not want me waiting for him as he did not know how long his healing would take".
Again, action not words. Did he ASK you to marry him? No, he talks the good talk and these are probably his wants and dreams, but that does not mean he is any position to do any of these things.
Now I'm not saying he is a bad guy, I'm sure he has some admirable qualities. He also has a lot of problems. These problems affect you and how you live and think and feel. The center of your world right now is probably him and his drug use/hopeful recovery.
Your world is now watching him cry from the other side of the world. Is that the life you want? Are you to be his therapist? Caretaker?
He has told you he is in no place to be in a relationship and he is absolutely right. Now that is not to say that he might not be some day, but giving say, at least a year to do those ACTIONS and make a real start on recovery is very important.
Also keep in mind this is a 41 year old man, not a 15 year old. Is his behaviour that of a grown person?
Many people surmise that emotional development stops or is severely hindered when a person starts using drugs at an early age. This is, of course, because they do not have to use or learn coping mechanisms that we all develop as we grow. Instead feelings are covered with drugs.
Detach. His fight is not your fight. By being totally enmeshed in his problems you are leaving nothing for yourself true? Have you been to Al-Anon? I really think you would find that helpful as well.
What do you get out of this relationship?
- He has been a drug user since he was 23, approximately. 20 years.
- he's used/tried cocaine, heroin, GHB, mushrooms, and ecstacy in the past
- He has been addicted to meth and using it for 4-5 years
- He is a sex addict and goes online for random hook ups (not judging here, but that's something you don't do when you are in a relationship).
- He has lied to you about using and cheating
This is why it's important to make that list. It's easier to brush off things if they are just being given to you in bits and bites.
If you look at that list, is that the person you want and need as your partner in life?
You also mention that the visits went quite well until whichever one of you were leaving. What about him sneaking out to use meth, what about the intervention that caught you off guard? Then on the last visit he tells you he knows he should marry you then says:
"He said he loves me until death and that he did not want me waiting for him as he did not know how long his healing would take".
Again, action not words. Did he ASK you to marry him? No, he talks the good talk and these are probably his wants and dreams, but that does not mean he is any position to do any of these things.
Now I'm not saying he is a bad guy, I'm sure he has some admirable qualities. He also has a lot of problems. These problems affect you and how you live and think and feel. The center of your world right now is probably him and his drug use/hopeful recovery.
Your world is now watching him cry from the other side of the world. Is that the life you want? Are you to be his therapist? Caretaker?
He has told you he is in no place to be in a relationship and he is absolutely right. Now that is not to say that he might not be some day, but giving say, at least a year to do those ACTIONS and make a real start on recovery is very important.
Also keep in mind this is a 41 year old man, not a 15 year old. Is his behaviour that of a grown person?
Many people surmise that emotional development stops or is severely hindered when a person starts using drugs at an early age. This is, of course, because they do not have to use or learn coping mechanisms that we all develop as we grow. Instead feelings are covered with drugs.
Detach. His fight is not your fight. By being totally enmeshed in his problems you are leaving nothing for yourself true? Have you been to Al-Anon? I really think you would find that helpful as well.
What do you get out of this relationship?
Originally Posted by nez
When I strongly think something, that is my brain on overtime. When I strongly feel something, that is my heart on overtime. I find my soul in the quiet place in between thinking and feeling. Pushing for the answer, pushes me right past the quiet place. When I don't push, the answer is there.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
Originally Posted by aabh
I just never imagined I would end up in this situation.
Nar-Anon or Al-Anon would really be a good thing I think. It's so much about boundaries and looking out for yourself and support for you. You are now in pain, you are now needing support.
As for joint counselling to win your trust back, that's not it, is it? Actions, not words.
Detaching and quiet gives you time to sort through your feelings, to reflect, to give clarity without daily emotional triggers that pull at your heart. There is nothing wrong with having sympathy for the man, he has a big job ahead of him, it just doesn't have to be your job, and it shouldn't be really, this is something he needs to do for himself.
So you have decided to cease communication for the time being?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 35
Originally Posted by trailmix
No one does. Yes, sometimes we have to listen to our heads. The emotions can be confused, especially in situations like this. It's not easy.
Nar-Anon or Al-Anon would really be a good thing I think. It's so much about boundaries and looking out for yourself and support for you. You are now in pain, you are now needing support.
As for joint counselling to win your trust back, that's not it, is it? Actions, not words.
Detaching and quiet gives you time to sort through your feelings, to reflect, to give clarity without daily emotional triggers that pull at your heart. There is nothing wrong with having sympathy for the man, he has a big job ahead of him, it just doesn't have to be your job, and it shouldn't be really, this is something he needs to do for himself.
So you have decided to cease communication for the time being?
Nar-Anon or Al-Anon would really be a good thing I think. It's so much about boundaries and looking out for yourself and support for you. You are now in pain, you are now needing support.
As for joint counselling to win your trust back, that's not it, is it? Actions, not words.
Detaching and quiet gives you time to sort through your feelings, to reflect, to give clarity without daily emotional triggers that pull at your heart. There is nothing wrong with having sympathy for the man, he has a big job ahead of him, it just doesn't have to be your job, and it shouldn't be really, this is something he needs to do for himself.
So you have decided to cease communication for the time being?
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