trailmix

I'm sure you are hurting over this and I'm sorry.

I think as you take a few days you will find yourself getting more clarity. That doesn't mean it won't hurt! It just does, as I'm sure you know.

Addiction is selfish, recovery is selfish. Recovery generally needs to be selfish because it is a tough battle, assuming that is what he is doing. I would absolutely take everything with a grain of salt until you see his actions.

How are you doing. Do you have any supports in place where you live, friends, family? It's important to surround yourself with people who understand as well. Here at SR as well as Nar-Anon and Al-Anon (doesn't matter which btw, addiction is addiction).

Hechosedrugs

You are being abused. Most abused women (even those who were physically or sexually abused) will tell you the gaslighting was worse than any other part of it. And it's the abuser's greatest weapon.

Also, the thing about abuse: It gets worse, not better.

aabh

This hurt like hell. I could see it if I had done something. I can even understand about not being able to be in a relationship at the moment. But to cut contact just like that and so quickly for the third time, it's ripped me apart from the inside out. I'm so broken I cannot even cry.

I have not told anyone in terms of friends or family as I cannot handle the shame I feel over this whole thing. I cannot handle hearing the "I told you so" and whatever else they might say so I am just keeping a brave and strong face on until I can make sense of things. I know I am beating myself up over it, but I cannot help it.

Yes, I had no idea what gaslighting was in the past, but I told him that that's what he was doing when he opened up communication on my birthday. I guess it is really abusive.

I told him that I felt like dealing with this has caused me to not even know which way I can move. I had started to feel restricted and like I had to walk on eggshells. I felt like we always had to cater to him and his sensitivities. Then he wondered why I was not as positive and upbeat as I was at the beginning of all of this. At one point I told him it was evil.

trailmix

Breaking away from any relationship where you have invested feelings is painful, that's very normal. You will get through this. You have support here and will also find support at group meetings, if it's possible to have sessions with a therapist, that would also be helpful.

Yes, if people don't understand addiction and don't understand what you have been through then no, it's not worthwhile sharing it with them. If all you are going to get is an "I told you so". Not helpful.

That's why Al-Anon is so helpful, every single person there will know where you are coming from as they have all been either there or a variation. They know the insanity of addiction and how it affects others.

You might want to reassess the shame? You didn't actually do anything wrong here. You found someone that you love and who loves you (to the best of his ability). Nothing wrong with that. He didn't confess all his "challenges" until you were already involved. It happens. As you read around the forums you will find similar stories. Stories where someone might be an alcoholic and a spouse might not discover this for years. No shame in that.

Most people don't know about addiction, why would they? Even if you grow up in a house with an alcoholic, that doesn't mean you are analyzing their behaviour.

Take it easy on yourself. No reason to blame yourself at all. There are better days ahead, unfortunately there will also be pain as you sort through this. You will be ok and you won't always feel like this.

aabh

Trailmix, you and everyone that have responded to this thread are angels. I really appreciate it more than you can understand right now. Or perhaps you do understand how much I appreciate it all.

I think the shame comes from believing things were going to be okay and that I had found someone that things would work out with. I will definitely be reading other posts to know that I am not alone. I lost my mother in 2010 so suddenly - she was not even sick - and she died in my arms. It hurt badly, but I was able to heal (and still am healing from it) because it was very clear-cut. I am extremely black-or-white so I don't do well in grey area. With this, it's all so grey which makes it difficult. Then add in love and life transitions, it makes it difficult. I guess it's the time I just have to decide for myself.

pdm22

Sorry to hear about your mom .

I’m going to leave this video here for you, from this woman Kris Godinez. She has some great info on addiction, family of origin issues, covert and overt narcissism, personality disorders, etc. Some interesting info here:

https://youtu.be/MV1GMvHWpkM

aabh

Thank you so much for the kind words. It has been difficult, but I am continually healing from it. I remember having a conversation with my sister how thankful we are that, despite everything we have been through and the sudden loss of our mother, we could have been drug addicts or fallen into sex. Very interesting how my ex did. I understand the pain.

I will watch this video right now. Thank you !

HardLessons

Hi aabh

I read every post in this thread. I am very sorry for your situation.

I too was once where you are now. My simple advice is to gather up whatever strength you have left & run for all your worth. I don't say that lightly. Save yourself! He is not going to help you do that.

Meth addiction is extremely destructive. You don't even use this drug but are being dragged down by it. There is no bottom to this rabbit hole. Its very deep dark & never ending twists turns. Its a horrible place to be & yes ive been there.

Please step way back from this situation. The closer you stay with it the harder it will be for you to sort this out in a healthy manner.

I know its very hard. I know exactly how you feel right now. I have been there maybe times 100.

I can tell you that creating distance from this situation & giving yourself time away will help you. Help you to regain stability.

You are contemplating moving out of the country, buying a house, & starting a new business. If any of this has to do with him I would think about it carefully. If not then ok you have a lot of major changes to focus on & keep you very busy. You don't need this huge turmoil & distraction from a meth addict screwing it all up.

Please take care of yourself.

aabh

Hi HardLessons, thank you for your words. It's sobering to hear from so many people as I have truly felt alone in all of this.

As for the whole moving and starting a new life, these are things I have always wanted to do. I had worked in the same career for the last 11 years before I suffered a major burn out and life was crumbling around me. I had hit rock bottom, I believe, or some type of dark night of the soul. But I realized later that it was a blessing as I was free to try to do what I had always dreamed of. I had traveled a lot for work and fell in love with Paris and that's where I thought I would want to move. However when I looked at my needs and where I was at mentally, Amsterdam was a much better fit for me as it's smaller, but still a world-class city. I had been there before several times for work, but I didn't think it was "glamorous" enough. I was able to see the charm after my research. I had come close to the decision that Amsterdam was right for me before meeting him and later visiting him there, but really had decided it after that. Throughout this I've done self-assessments on my intentions for moving and, while he truthfully is/was a part of my wanting to move there, he was not the sole or biggest part of it. I found friends that I actually feel connected to, the way of life fits my personality, and setting up a business as an American in the Netherlands is relatively easy compared. It just all fits.

HardLessons

aabh

You seem like a very grounded & smart woman.

This should be a very exciting time for you. Your chasing your dream. I wish you the very best of luck with it.

My only concern is that you are heading in his direction. I know for me & my situation its best if I stay as far away from her as possible. Although I am a very capable & professional business person - I am no match for her.

Please don't allow the psychotic mess of a meth addict spoil your life anymore than it already has. I am not being mean or judgmental of him but it is what it is. That's the reality of the situation. Neither you or me make it that way.

I have my own reality to live with. She also is what she is & I didn't make it that way.

I hope you pursue your life & work dreams with passion. Don't allow anyone to negatively impact those dreams.

aabh

You're right. It's definitely difficult for me to love from afar, but I suppose it's my only choice in this situation at the moment. I struggle with thoughts like "Why did I meet him in the first place ?", "Why did I let him in ?", and "Why is it difficult to let go ?" The thoughts are endless as you can imagine. It is still fresh and definitely painful and I recognize I can be highly critical and harsh with myself some times. I need to stop punishing myself for sure.

trailmix

Yes, stopping punishing yourself is a great first step! You got involved with an addict, it happens, as you can see from all the posts here at SR.

This really had nothing to do with anything you did or didn't do. He is an addict, he going to either do the things addicts do or he is going to seek recovery. None of that is in your control.

Why did you meet him in the first place? Short of some universal intervention, you were probably drawn to him because he was drawn to you. Now, this is a generalization but addicts, in general, tend to find someone with huge empathy and sympathy capacity. This is just my observation. Who else would put up with all this??

Seriously, most people who were dating someone, when they said oh btw i'm a meth addict with a big history of drug addiction - would run for the hills. Plus you don't know what you don't know until you know it right? Perhaps the question is, why did you stay?

Why did you let him in? It seems you wanted to help? You now realize, of course, you can't.

Why is it so difficult to let go? I believe relationships with addicts are different, it is harder. If you are in a relationship with a healthy, emotionally mature and stable person, you break up and off they go and off you go and everyone will be fine (again broad generalization). You are not worrying if he is going to OD.

With an addict, will he be fine? Is he in a ditch snorting meth? Will he seek recovery? When he cried and shared his demons with you, who will he talk to. It's just different.

Then again, he got along before you showed up and he will get along now you are out of the picture.

I would strongly suggest you think long and hard about relocating to Amsterdam. Really examine your reasons, be brutally honest with yourself.

One thing you mentioned earlier on, about googling how to help him. I would suggest googling how to help you! Reasons why relationships with an addict are such a disaster, how to heal. Also learn all you can about addiction (for you, not him).

And just so you know, you can read other members previous posts and threads if you are interested, by clicking on their name and choosing view all - threads or posts.

aabh

To address some of your points (and I suppose my own questions) :

As I mentioned earlier, I had kept it as a friendship first for quite some time. Even when we met in Amsterdam for the first time, we waited quite a bit of time before intimacy even started. I stayed because I genuinely enjoyed his presence in my life. I enjoyed the perspective he gave to me and the perspective I could give to him. It was nice to have someone engaged as well as someone that enjoyed the things that I liked. I didn't believe in completely writing someone off because of things they had done. My mother always said to give everyone a chance.

I don't think it was that. I think I let him in because there was an understanding of each other and I felt like I could trust him. I've had trust issues in the past so to let him in as close as I did was a big deal.

To be honest, I am not worrying if he will OD or not. I don't think about who will he talk to as I know he is surrounded by many friends. I know he will be fine with or without me. I am not his parent. I've told him and myself this several times. I just think it's because there's a special connection. You'll probably rip me apart for that, but it is what I felt.

As I mentioned, I've thought about it all very deeply everyday and I have realized that staying in my current city is just eating away at me. In Amsterdam, I found a new lease on life and have even spent time there after meeting him by myself, meeting new people, and exploring the city by myself. As I am honest and have said before, yes he was a part of the reason I wanted to move there, but that was only after the fact of me having made up my mind before meeting him and when I saw all of the opportunities presented to me, it just made it even better. My mind is in a good place on that subject.

Quite naturally I would google to find out information on how to help him, but never in this have I neglected myself. I've sought counseling, I've read books and articles, and have upped my fitness routine. I've been journaling everyday since my birthday in August about my thoughts, feelings, hopes, and dreams. I have done and am doing the work on myself.

Thanks for the tips !

trailmix

No ripping apart from me! Do you see a connection between these three things? I know exactly what you mean in the first instance. I am also a person who always gives people a chance (or did). I figured I will trust someone until they show me they can't be trusted. Seems logical. Based on my experiences, I have tempered that a bit. Now, I will trust, of course (what choice do you have) but I will absolutely scrutinize actions, not words.

That special connection you are talking about. What can be deeper than someone telling you all their deepest darkest secrets? This is a common thing with addiction, not something special to him. Addicts don't become addicts in a vacuum. There is a reason they drug. This can be an ultimate coping mechanism, a way to cover emotions and feelings, to escape responsibility and suffering. There is no such thing as a happy addict, doesn't happen.

So the fact that he has all these demons and dysfunction and unhappiness and life altering situations and sadness and revelations to share with you is - different. It does create a bond, it does make for something different and special. It also allowed you to share your own deep feelings.

If you want to really see how all that works, read through Hardlessons threads.

The truth is, for all his sharing, you never entered his world.

These are, of course my opinions based on my observations.

You are taking care of yourself and I'm so glad to hear that. I get the Amsterdam thing and that you trust you are making a solid decision, you do seem to be very level-headed and this, of course, will take you far.

HardLessons

"My mother always said to give everyone a chance"

I think you mother in general is correct. I also believe people who are honestly trying deserve a second chance.

I very much doubt your mother was thinking of a meth addict when she said those words to you.

I tried hard to give her a chance. I tried everything. What do I have now to show for all I did for her - nothing.

I didn't understand what I was getting involved in. By the time I did understand it was too late. I was in very deep & damage to me was complete. She was just being her. Shes an addict - lives the life of an addict - been that way (like yours) for many years.

Whose fault is that - my own. I was naïve, uneducated concerning addiction, & extremely willing to ignore red flags & accept being treated very poorly.

Ive learned a great deal concerning topics I really didn't want to know anything about. I wish it never happened. I wish it would all go away from me forever. But that also aint the way it works. Its not reality. Life with an addict takes a heavy toll on us. Its changed me forever.

aabh

Hi everyone, sorry for the lack of activity here. I feel I should give an update about what I've been up to.

I've acquainted myself with a shredder.

I put every last photo, card, and anything from him in that shredder. I would have put him in there, too, but I digress. I've blocked every form of communication imaginable, including removing friends that I met through him for the time being. Every photo and email that I had from him I removed. I put a website and word block on all of my browsers in case I get weak and want to look at his social media. It's maybe extreme, but it's self-protection and self-care I feel. I've been to some healing therapy groups and will be in one for the next 8 weeks. This will all be difficult from the start I am sure, but I am sure I will get through it in the end. I've postponed my move until I feel confident in that. Who knows what will happen.

I read something about having three significant relationships/loves in one's life where the first is like that love that is somewhat like the kind in high school, the second being the hard as hell love where there will be deep pain in the end after repeating cycles, and the third is where you didn't see it coming and it just works. I can definitely say unequivocally that he was love number deux and now I know what I do and don't want and need. He said it was a shame that things ended this way and that he wished it was different, but I called b******t. It will take God himself literally coming down, snatching me up, and explicitly saying to me, "This is the man you are to be with. He's done his work and has changed." Pretty unlikely, non ?

Whatever the case, my healing can really take off now I hope. Wish me luck ! Thanks for everything, everyone.

Ariesagain

hazy

Love this!

I don't think I posted but I read your thread when you first posted, aabh. You've come such a long way in only a month! There may be ups and downs and what feels like steps backwards, but that's the nature of healing - progress not perfection etc. The very best of luck to you.

aabh

aabh

It's hilarious the way my brain is working at the moment. I mean that I am literally laughing at myself. On one side there is, of course, that feeling of looking back on the "good times" and hoping to have them again. On the other side is an extremely loud "NO !!!" that is shooting it down immediately and saying stick to the facts.

I feel myself coming alive again and feeling happier while still acknowledging it was an extremely painful and hellish year. In addition to the 8 week intensive therapy sessions, I will also be taking Grief and Loss therapy and generally looking to heal those parts of myself that allowed and accepted being treated in a way I didn't deserve, but thought I did. I refuse to cut myself off from love and will not make my future husband, whoever he is, pay for the mistakes not only others did, but also that I did to myself.

I had never done it before, but decided to create a bucket list of things I want to do and accomplish and that gives me a place to focus energy on since I have reclaimed quite a bit of it.