confusedtoo

I just found this board, and I think it may be the right place for me to receive some advice, or get pointed in the right direction. My husband is addicted to cocaine and alcohol. I have known about his addiction for about 5 years, first found out when I was pregnant with our first son but didn't know how bad it was then. I thought he had it figured out/was clean, then we got pregnant again. It became very, very clear after our second son was born that the problem was much more severe than I had thought (I was very naive and understood nothing about addiction).

We tried to manage his addiction through me controlling all our money and monitoring phone records, but addicts will understand that without addressing the addiction, nothing would ever be enough to stop him. He gradually got more and more threatening to be around until finally he got violent and I left. He did everything right after that, started going to meetings, got clean, and I moved back in with our kids after a couple weeks. He did so, so well for a couple months when he went to meetings regularly. He gradually went less and less then stopped going. He has never drank since then (almost one year ago) but the drug addiction crept back in until he was using almost every day. He wasn't violent without drinking, but I watched the drug use get worse and worse and finally he smashed my lap top when I wouldn't send him money to pay back a dealer.

Moved out again. Since then he is going to meetings at least once a day, has gotten a sponsor, and is going to start working the steps. He is pretty much begging me to move back in with the kids. He says he can't do it without our support. I think, I shouldn't move back in with him until he's been clean for a good chunk of time and can handle being clean on his own. I don't really know what to do honestly. I'm living in my parents basement with my two kids (it sucks) and I would love to move home. But I just don't know if that will compromise his recovery. He's been understandably very up and down since I left (about 9 days ago) and I feel I'd like to see him level out before moving myself and the kids back. He says he will level out by having us home. I want him to talk to my parents and come to good terms with them before I move back. He thinks that is 100% unreasonable and he doesn't owe them any kind of conversation before I come home.

THANK YOU to anyone who takes the time to read and respond. I am desperate for advice. Do I need to start going to NarAnon meetings? Do I move back in with him? Wait for him to stop being manipulative first? When he was clean for two months last year, it felt like living in heaven. Life was SO good. I just haven't given up hope that it could be like that again but I do tend to be naive and gullible. Please help!

AnvilheadII

hello and welcome! i am sorry for what brings you here, but glad you found SR!

to get right to the point (and i'm a former addict myself), here's my two cents.
1. he has no leg to stand on to making demands of ANY sort. 9 days ain't jack doodly squat.
2. the kids need stability and safety and right now he can reliably provide neither. this is twice now they've had to leave their HOME because of HIM.
3. you are absolutely correct that he needs to demonstrate a good chunk of consistent unbroken sobriety before you even consider living under the same roof. the children have to come first. and they deserve a home that is drug free.
4. he has been violent. yes, while under the influence, but it cannot and should not be swept under the carpet. should he use again, the violence is likely to escalate, especially if you dare come between him and the dope.
5. if you being there was the solution to his problem, then how the heck did he get so out of control WHILE YOU WERE THERE? see how that doesn't make sense? by you being out of the house, his problem is exposed. this also why he is unwilling to face your parent.
6. until he becomes completely transparent and assumes FULL responsibility for all his actions, his addiction AND his own recovery, you can almost guarantee he'll slip up again before too long.

confusedtoo

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. Your opinion is SO helpful. I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. Number one priority is the health and safety of my kids, and I really appreciate you putting that in perspective. I am planning on attending a local NarAnon tomorrow, hope that will help give some further clarity.

trailmix

Hi confused and welcome.

You've done the right thing. I'm sorry that living in the basement at your parents is tough, but so glad you made that choice.

I think my question would be, what would be your motivation for moving back in with him?

He has abused you both physically and mentally. Has that changed? Actually not really. Is he concerned for the well-being of the children and you or is he concerned with himself? Sounds like it's himself.

The addictions and the violence are really two different things and aren't necessarily connected, he might have those impulses 100 percent sober, hard to say.

Aside from the addiction issue, it's not safe. It's not safe for you or the kids. You are right where you should be. He needs to prove long term sobriety and stability. As Anvil said, if you were the solution to his problem he would be cured - he's not, far from it.

Perhaps further down the road he might agree to move out and you and the children can move back home?

I recommend these stickies, you might find them helpful:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

Also these articles:

Addiction, Lies and Relationships

You didn't Cause it, can't Control it, can't Cure it.

I hope you will keep posting.

Just another thought, you sound like a really nice person, did you ever think you would be writing this:

"and finally he smashed my lap top when I wouldn't send him money to pay back a dealer".

Sometimes when you live around chaos for so long the abnormal can become "normal", this is hugely far from anything normal.

Maudcat

Hi, and welcome. You will find lots of support here.
Very sorry for your situation but glad you found us.
Cocaine is both expensive and illegal, yes?
Isn’t it possible that your husband, and possibly you, could get snatched up by law enforcement?
With two small children, I would find that the scariest thing yet.

LoveMeNow

I wrote this in 2014 and still believe every word of it!

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...very-card.html (The "recovery card"........)


If he is so sorry, why didn't he move out?

trailmix

Wow LoveMeNow that is a great post. I'm sorry you went through that.

I think it would be great if it was put in the classic reading section of Friends and Family of alcoholics. I'm going to suggest that in the forum, I have shared the link over there. It's such an accurate and powerful post.

Sleepyhollo

I agree with everything anvil said and also the recovery card post. 9 days is nothing. 2 months is nothing as you found out, your kids needs stability and moving back and forth based on daddy’s moods so to speak is not good for them, he doesn’t need you to get him clean. If that was the case he would’ve gotten clean while you were there. He needs to do this on his own. My XRAH actually said I marriage counseling that me being so distant and detached actually was good for his recovery because it made him focus on himself.
My ex is a recovering alcoholic. Your h is doing drugs. Not that alcohol is much better but from a kid perspective it probably is a little bit. I just saw a patient whose 20 month old grandson got ahold of meth and almost died. This is not about him, this is about you keeping your kids safe and yourself as well. You don’t have to divorce but a separation is probably th best thing. I’d demand a year of sobriety and true recovery (like going to meetings, doing counseling etc) . Quitting the substançe is the « easy » part, staying clean and learning new coping skills and behaviors is the hard part and that takes months to really show whether it is changing for real or not.
I’m sorry it is not the ideal option to stay with your parents but it is more than likely the best option for right now . If he is ready and wants to change he will, if he is just getting clean for a while to give you what you want and make you move back in it won’t last. Inpatient rehab would be the best thing for him if he is truly ready to quit.
Take care of you can your kids. He is an adult and can take care of himself. You and your kids are the number one priority.

tomls

Hi and welcome. All I can say is ditto to what everyone else said. Awesome advise! Please hang around SR. This place can be so helpful!

tomls

I am sure that if you want to live in your home with your kids the law would make it happen. Your husband would have to take care of the financial part of the situation. If he wants the family thing to happen bad enough he will find a place to live and get his act together. If not , at least you will be more comfortable with your kids in yours and their home.

DiggingForFire

confusedtoo

Hi trailmix, thank you so much for taking the time to write back to me. As far as motivation for wanting to get back together... I guess because of the person he was before drugs. Who he is when he's clean. He can be such a good father and an amazing supportive partner, when the addiction isn't in the drivers seat. I guess I'm hoping that could be life again for us... at this point I don't know what is or isn't possible and I'm definitely trying to use as many resources and get as much advice as possible to learn what I'm in for. I really appreciate your long response, it really struck a chord with me, especially this part...

You're right, I never thought I would write that sentence. I don't want to give up on him as I believe he is "sick" and needs to work hard to stay healthy.. I don't believe that he wants to live that way or do those things. And we do have two children together who both think the world of him. But he has been pushing me so hard to move back in, it has really set off a lot of alarm bells as far as controlling, manipulative behaviour. And I really don't want to make any mistakes this time.

confusedtoo

Hi Maudcat, thanks so much. I am already blown away by the amount of helpful support on here and wish I found this community sooner. Yes, it is incredibly expensive. My husband makes good money but we've been barely scraping by for years. It got so bad his truck got repossessed. Not only is it illegal, it can be deadly dangerous. Honestly he's lucky to still be alive. It's scary stuff

confusedtoo

LoveMeNow, thank you so much. That post is extremely relevant to me and my situation. He's trying so desperately to get myself and the kids back under his control, and now that I have the distance and clarity, it is so glaringly obvious to me that it is "addiction" talking. I REFUSE to be accountable for his recovery this time around. It cannot and will not depend on me. Yes, I hope we could eventually be a family again. But I do want to know he can and will do it without us living together.

confusedtoo

Thank you Sleepyhollo. I need to hear this as much as possible. I am thankful that my parents are being very supportive and helpful , and my kids are definitely thriving in this stable situation. I've noticed I am becoming a better parent too without the stress. That's so scary about the 20 month old with the meth. Thank goodness nothing ever happened like that with my kids, but it makes me sick how easily it could have.

confusedtoo

Thank you so much, everyone that took the time to respond to this post. It has given me a lot of strength and clarity. I can see this is a very supportive place <3

AnvilheadII

He can be such a good father and an amazing supportive partner, when the addiction isn't in the drivers seat.

until he quits straight up and for good, addiction will ALWAYS be driving the bus. even on the "good" days. addiction knows how to play the game, how to coax and con, how to look good - for short periods of time.

which ironically enough is just about the amount of time it takes for the partner's "forgetter" to kick in. partner's get soooo good at looking for those tiny moments of awesome that suddenly taking out the garbage gives them HERO status. and if they do a load of dishes??? or remember where they live and come HOME after work? it's time for a parade to rival Macy's!!!!!

and it really blows because seeing the good in people should not be a BAD thing!!! it should not become our Achilles Heel! but addiction takes every rule and changes it.

trailmix

No, you don't have to give up on him, you're right.

When he calls or you see him and he is talking about you coming home right away does he:

- Ask how you and the children are doing
- Suggest that if this separation is going on perhaps he can go stay with friends or family so that the children can be back in their home.
- Ensure that you are coping financially
- Ask you what your boundaries are, what actions does he need to take.

My point above is that addiction is a selfish condition, that's just a fact. The drug comes first, the addict second and whatever or whomever, a distant third.

If he is not concerned with your wellbeing in all this and is just saying come home and all will be well - yes, that should set off alarm bells. Why would he push you after the trauma you have been through? You are an adult person, perfectly capable of making decisions for yourself and your children. Ideally he would be trying to put his best foot forward in showing you that you can trust him and that he is taking the right steps to recovery.

Actions, not words.

confusedtoo

Wow. This is incredibly accurate. He is a 0 for 4 unfortunately. And you're right, he is exactly stating that if I move back in with the kids, everything will be fine. I am really so glad that I found this board and you've taken the time to give me your advice, it is incredibly eye opening and helpful. He keeps trying to draw me back in with words like:
"I promise it will be different this time. If I fail again, you can leave and I won't put up a fight. I know this is my last chance and I know what I have to lose"
"My only mistake was to stop going to meetings. I will never stop so I will never fail. If I stop going, then you can leave if you need to."
"I am scared to do it alone. Its not fair to the kids. They miss me. It's unfair to keep us from being a family."
"I know I can do it alone but it would be so much better if we were together as a family"

... I used to fall for all of it but this time it just strikes me as so, so false and empty. All of your words just reinforce my instincts on this. I do ultimately hope for reconciliation. I told him today that if he can "let go" of forcing me to move back in and focus 100% on his recovery, it is inevitable that we will eventually be a family again. Unfortunately your post has highlighted for me exactly how far away he may be from a healthy state of mind in this regard.

confusedtoo

Yes, this. This is what is giving me pause this time. He's been clean about 10 days now, since I left. The absolute desperation he is showing in trying to get us to move back, really feels like the addiction speaking. He is trying every trick he can think of to get me to come back. Passive aggressive comments, begging, pleading, ultimatums, threatening to never speak to me or the kids again (this one makes me roll my eyes so hard it hurts). It just reeks of the addiction. He is trying to tell me that his meeting group says I'm doing the wrong thing and hurting his recovery. He tells me his friends say I'm doing the wrong thing and hurting his recovery. I just want to shake him and scream "I DON'T CARE!" I don't want his recovery to depend on me or my actions. End of story.