Spouse of an addict, looking for advice.
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
Originally Posted by confusedtoo 
Yes, this. This is what is giving me pause this time. He's been clean about 10 days now, since I left. The absolute desperation he is showing in trying to get us to move back, really feels like the addiction speaking. He is trying every trick he can think of to get me to come back. Passive aggressive comments, begging, pleading, ultimatums, threatening to never speak to me or the kids again (this one makes me roll my eyes so hard it hurts). It just reeks of the addiction. He is trying to tell me that his meeting group says I'm doing the wrong thing and hurting his recovery. He tells me his friends say I'm doing the wrong thing and hurting his recovery. I just want to shake him and scream "I DON'T CARE!" I don't want his recovery to depend on me or my actions. End of story.
Him trying to tell you what you need to do for him and his recovery is manipulation at its finest and everything he says he needs is BS. Family being there will interfere more than anything because it will let him divert his focus to the family rather than focus on himself and therefore avoiding facing his own issues.
If his friends truly did say that he is in the wrong meeting.
You are not leaving him at this point, you are doing what is best for you and your kids, to get away from the chaos (boundaries!). He has a choice, wallow in self pity and have it take away from recovery or grow a pair and work on himself so that you can get back together again once he has shown that he can stay sober and that he has changed his behaviors. Right now it kind of sounds like he is doing this for you and not for him, which is likely to fail. My ex was successful after I gave him an ultimatum, not because if my ultimatum but because that was the final kick in the butt he needed. He had gotten to the point where he felt like he really needed to quit and that he could not go on like this, that was the first time he felt like that and my ultimatum gave him the push to do it an actually seek treatment as well. Unfortunately it came to late for me.
You made the right choice for now. . Your kids seem to be doing better and you are feeling less stressed. That is really important and all telling. It is up to him to prove to you through actions that he has changed. And that will take months. Most of them can fake it for a while but if they are not doing it for themselves they won’t last.
I am sure your kids miss him but they can more than likely sense that this is better and that is why they are doing well.
Stay strong and trust your gut. We have all been there done that and you can probably tell how all our stories and experiences are similar. And the reason for that is that all addicts have very similar behaviors for the most part. Your husband is likely still an active addict. Even if he isn’t drinking he is too early in recovery to see his addict ways. And if he is only going to meetings it will likely take a long time to see any change (it took my ex 7 weeks of inpatient rehab to finally start turning the corner on his manipulative ways ) . He should at least do individual counseling as well with someone who is CAC certified (although apparently some of them tell you you can drink in moderation, if they tell,him that he’s got the wrong counselor).
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Yes, he may need quite some time to sort this out. It's hard to say of course.
I know ideally you want to be able to move back home, but this could all take some time.
Are you comfortable enough to stay at your parents house for an extended period of time? Several months at least? If not is there an option for you to perhaps rent for 6 months somewhere so that you can review how things are going at that point?
You may want to contact your city or whichever office in your locale that deals with subsidized housing etc.
You also might consider putting a call in to the DV hotline. It wouldn't hurt for you to talk to them perhaps? You have been through some pretty traumatic events lately and discussing that with someone might help. They can also put you in touch with DV advocates in your area who will be very familiar with help that is available to you (including housing etc).
https://www.thehotline.org/help/
It's just that you want to put yourself in the best position so that you can stay the course (whatever you choose).
I know ideally you want to be able to move back home, but this could all take some time.
Are you comfortable enough to stay at your parents house for an extended period of time? Several months at least? If not is there an option for you to perhaps rent for 6 months somewhere so that you can review how things are going at that point?
You may want to contact your city or whichever office in your locale that deals with subsidized housing etc.
You also might consider putting a call in to the DV hotline. It wouldn't hurt for you to talk to them perhaps? You have been through some pretty traumatic events lately and discussing that with someone might help. They can also put you in touch with DV advocates in your area who will be very familiar with help that is available to you (including housing etc).
https://www.thehotline.org/help/
It's just that you want to put yourself in the best position so that you can stay the course (whatever you choose).
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 12
Originally Posted by Sleepyhollo
You made the right choice for now. . Your kids seem to be doing better and you are feeling less stressed. That is really important and all telling. It is up to him to prove to you through actions that he has changed. And that will take months. Most of them can fake it for a while but if they are not doing it for themselves they won’t last.
That was my fear last time I went back too and I ended up proving that fear was justified. I got sucked in for another 6 months of him using, somehow. I can't stress enough how much I appreciate your perspective as someone who has been there before. It means the world to me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 12
Originally Posted by trailmix
Are you comfortable enough to stay at your parents house for an extended period of time? Several months at least? If not is there an option for you to perhaps rent for 6 months somewhere so that you can review how things are going at that point?
I did talk to my family doctor about the situation, she directed me to some resources. I plan on speaking with my kids pediatrician too. I'm especially worried about my 4.5 year old, he has some behaviour issues that I suspect are tied to my husbands addiction. I feel so ashamed for exposing him to that life for so long, mistakenly believing he was "better off" to live with his whole family. The kid worships his dad, and about half the time, his dad actually deserved it. Still. Lots of regrets on my part.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
When you married and had children i'm absolutely sure you didn't sign up to be married to an addict and have a partner that is only a part-time parent. If it had been presented to you that way, you probably would have declined! (disclaimer: allowing, of course, that your children would still be in your life now).
So don't be too hard on yourself. You are doing "the next right thing".
You saw the problem presented, you left to protect your children and yourself, you did the right thing.
The fact that you realize there may be issues for your child(ren) and you are addressing that as well, again the right thing.
This is going to work out ok. You are looking out for their best interests. Your concern and care and the security and calm in their lives now will make all the difference.
It's an upheaval but it's early days yet.
So don't be too hard on yourself. You are doing "the next right thing".
You saw the problem presented, you left to protect your children and yourself, you did the right thing.
The fact that you realize there may be issues for your child(ren) and you are addressing that as well, again the right thing.
This is going to work out ok. You are looking out for their best interests. Your concern and care and the security and calm in their lives now will make all the difference.
It's an upheaval but it's early days yet.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, confused.
Offering to sleep in a tent so you can live in the house is pure unadulterated manipulation on his part.
Please don’t buy it.
In fact, I would take him up on it and see what happens.
Good thoughts.
Offering to sleep in a tent so you can live in the house is pure unadulterated manipulation on his part.
Please don’t buy it.
In fact, I would take him up on it and see what happens.
Good thoughts.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, confused.
Rereading my post, it feels a bit snarky.
I apologize for that, as that wasn’t my intent.
Simply saying, without snark, that you are doing the right thing for you and the children.
Stay strong and hang in there.
Here when you need us.
Rereading my post, it feels a bit snarky.
I apologize for that, as that wasn’t my intent.
Simply saying, without snark, that you are doing the right thing for you and the children.
Stay strong and hang in there.
Here when you need us.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 12
Thank you trailmix and maudcat. No worries, I didn't take it that way at all! Yeah it's such a ridiculous "offer", all I can do is roll my eyes. I really, really appreciate the support you are offering. Again, very glad I found this community. Was reading some articles on here about codependence and it is very eye-opening. I definitely feel that I am on the right track now thanks to you all!
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Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 23
Originally Posted by confusedtoo
I just found this board, and I think it may be the right place for me to receive some advice, or get pointed in the right direction. My husband is addicted to cocaine and alcohol. I have known about his addiction for about 5 years, first found out when I was pregnant with our first son but didn't know how bad it was then. I thought he had it figured out/was clean, then we got pregnant again. It became very, very clear after our second son was born that the problem was much more severe than I had thought (I was very naive and understood nothing about addiction).
We tried to manage his addiction through me controlling all our money and monitoring phone records, but addicts will understand that without addressing the addiction, nothing would ever be enough to stop him. He gradually got more and more threatening to be around until finally he got violent and I left. He did everything right after that, started going to meetings, got clean, and I moved back in with our kids after a couple weeks. He did so, so well for a couple months when he went to meetings regularly. He gradually went less and less then stopped going. He has never drank since then (almost one year ago) but the drug addiction crept back in until he was using almost every day. He wasn't violent without drinking, but I watched the drug use get worse and worse and finally he smashed my lap top when I wouldn't send him money to pay back a dealer.
Moved out again. Since then he is going to meetings at least once a day, has gotten a sponsor, and is going to start working the steps. He is pretty much begging me to move back in with the kids. He says he can't do it without our support. I think, I shouldn't move back in with him until he's been clean for a good chunk of time and can handle being clean on his own. I don't really know what to do honestly. I'm living in my parents basement with my two kids (it sucks) and I would love to move home. But I just don't know if that will compromise his recovery. He's been understandably very up and down since I left (about 9 days ago) and I feel I'd like to see him level out before moving myself and the kids back. He says he will level out by having us home. I want him to talk to my parents and come to good terms with them before I move back. He thinks that is 100% unreasonable and he doesn't owe them any kind of conversation before I come home.
THANK YOU to anyone who takes the time to read and respond. I am desperate for advice. Do I need to start going to NarAnon meetings? Do I move back in with him? Wait for him to stop being manipulative first? When he was clean for two months last year, it felt like living in heaven. Life was SO good. I just haven't given up hope that it could be like that again but I do tend to be naive and gullible. Please help!
We tried to manage his addiction through me controlling all our money and monitoring phone records, but addicts will understand that without addressing the addiction, nothing would ever be enough to stop him. He gradually got more and more threatening to be around until finally he got violent and I left. He did everything right after that, started going to meetings, got clean, and I moved back in with our kids after a couple weeks. He did so, so well for a couple months when he went to meetings regularly. He gradually went less and less then stopped going. He has never drank since then (almost one year ago) but the drug addiction crept back in until he was using almost every day. He wasn't violent without drinking, but I watched the drug use get worse and worse and finally he smashed my lap top when I wouldn't send him money to pay back a dealer.
Moved out again. Since then he is going to meetings at least once a day, has gotten a sponsor, and is going to start working the steps. He is pretty much begging me to move back in with the kids. He says he can't do it without our support. I think, I shouldn't move back in with him until he's been clean for a good chunk of time and can handle being clean on his own. I don't really know what to do honestly. I'm living in my parents basement with my two kids (it sucks) and I would love to move home. But I just don't know if that will compromise his recovery. He's been understandably very up and down since I left (about 9 days ago) and I feel I'd like to see him level out before moving myself and the kids back. He says he will level out by having us home. I want him to talk to my parents and come to good terms with them before I move back. He thinks that is 100% unreasonable and he doesn't owe them any kind of conversation before I come home.
THANK YOU to anyone who takes the time to read and respond. I am desperate for advice. Do I need to start going to NarAnon meetings? Do I move back in with him? Wait for him to stop being manipulative first? When he was clean for two months last year, it felt like living in heaven. Life was SO good. I just haven't given up hope that it could be like that again but I do tend to be naive and gullible. Please help!
the only person who knows what’s best is going to be you. From what it sounds like maybe do what al-anon has taught. Separation with love. I’ve learned the hard way that saying you are leaving and turning around and coming back without a ton of proof of change ended up being enabling in my case. Until you feel he REALLY wants it, and for himself, don’t give in. Especially with how manipulative he is talking to you.
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 16
Welcome to the board confused. I am the wife of an addict too. Plain and simple it sucks! Everyone has given great advice.
You are doing the right thing! When I finally separated from my husband it was a huge weight off my shoulders once the dust settled. I’m confident that you will find that to be true for you too in time.
Like others have pointed out you don’t need to divorce but you should remain separated until he can show you that he is actually in recovery (if that happens). Personally I waited until my husband had around 8 months sober to allow him to move back in. But be forewarned that there is no amount of time that makes relapse impossible. Not sure if you saw my post but just the other week at 14 months sober my husband relapsed. The only positive thing I can say about this is that I truly have grown in my ability to handle this situation and feel more confident in being able to stand my ground with boundaries. I’m hoping that the same can be said for his growth and he can move forward too; time will tell.
Anyway, just wanted to say you aren’t alone in this. Take good care of yourself and children. I found that focusing on my kids was the best way to take my mind off of him. Don’t be afraid to lean on your support system. And keep coming back here. I found this board toward the end of my husbands last battle but wish I was here sooner as it’s a great support system from those that have been there and can understand in ways that people who haven’t experienced this just can’t. Stay strong!!
You are doing the right thing! When I finally separated from my husband it was a huge weight off my shoulders once the dust settled. I’m confident that you will find that to be true for you too in time.
Like others have pointed out you don’t need to divorce but you should remain separated until he can show you that he is actually in recovery (if that happens). Personally I waited until my husband had around 8 months sober to allow him to move back in. But be forewarned that there is no amount of time that makes relapse impossible. Not sure if you saw my post but just the other week at 14 months sober my husband relapsed. The only positive thing I can say about this is that I truly have grown in my ability to handle this situation and feel more confident in being able to stand my ground with boundaries. I’m hoping that the same can be said for his growth and he can move forward too; time will tell.
Anyway, just wanted to say you aren’t alone in this. Take good care of yourself and children. I found that focusing on my kids was the best way to take my mind off of him. Don’t be afraid to lean on your support system. And keep coming back here. I found this board toward the end of my husbands last battle but wish I was here sooner as it’s a great support system from those that have been there and can understand in ways that people who haven’t experienced this just can’t. Stay strong!!
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