Princessofhope

gemini7

I'm so sorry you're in pain. I know how hard that must be. I don't know the pain of being married to an addict, nor having children with one, but I do know the pain of being in a relationship with an addict and all of the abuse that comes with it.

I would not look at yourself as a failure. I would instead suggest telling yourself you were probably doing the best you knew how under the circumstances. But now you are seeing the light and are fed up. It's not going to be easy at all, but ending the relationship will be so rewarding. Being away from the abuse will give you so much peace. You don't even realize how much you've been through and how much you've been stressed until you're out of a situation. I def can attest to that! It's a new beginning. You can dream again. I know the process will be painful, but one day, it will not hurt like it does now. I can tell you that from experience.

I know there's many others on here who can relate more directly to your situation, but I wanted you to know you're not alone and that I care.

Princessofhope

D122y

Health is my wealth. I would rather be healthy and homeless, then have $1 billion but be too sick to enjoy it.

Up to certain ages kids will believe whatever parents tell them. I remember my Dad leaving my Mom, for the last time, when I was 5 or so. He said...I am going to the store. It didn't see him for a month.

So...if I was in your shoes I would fight to keep my myself and kids healthy and then make my way without the anchor of someone's addiction.

The kids will know the truth in the end...just like I did.

Thanks.

gemini7

Aww. I really feel for you. I hate that for you and your children also. Addiction is a horrible thing and it steals the lives of its addicts. It can steal the lives of those around them as well if we let it. I just finally saw the light this past time and am so thankful I did. It was one of the hardest things I've gone through, but I had no idea how much of a fog I was in until I got out of it. It has taken me months to process it all. However, it does get better with each day. You may always have moments of sadness, or maybe you won't. I have them here and there, but then I think of how grateful I am that he is no longer in my life and that I have peace now, then I snap out of it fairly quickly. I'm so sorry you and your kids have to go through this. I am not sure if you're new or not, but if you are, keep reading through the threads here. It helped me immensely. I posted a lot at first (you can go back and read my posts if you're interested. It will show you how far I've come), and now I come on time to time to remind myself why him being out of my life is the very best thing, and also to hopefully pay it forward. The people here helped me SO much. I was given advice and tough love at times (that I needed) and it really made a HUGE difference in my healing. And yes, you can now finally dream again. I understand exactly how you felt when you read those words. I've been there. I def empathize with you. Just remember as I said before, you are def not alone. Keep posting.

cece1960

Princess, rather than looking at is as if you have failed, why don't we agree for now that you just haven't yet succeeded? Change takes change...

HardLessons

I remember you & your story from back in 2017 when you first posted.

I am sorry to read what recently happened.

My addict started using IV heroine at the age of 15. She is 37 now. I haven't spoken to her at all for the past year. But I have no reason to believe she has gotten any better. June 2017 to June 2018 I interacted with her sporadically & it was all very bad ongoing problems. How long will it all go on with her - I don't know.

I tried very hard for years but I was unable to fix or even help her to live a better life. She didn't want to be fixed or helped to change her life.

You cant fix your husband. Addiction is too cunning, powerful, & destructive for us to figure out how to fix our addicts. I know you tried very hard. I also tried very hard.

I hope you figure out how to save yourself & your children. That's really all you can do.

MindfulMan

Heroin is the destructive ugly nasty vicious deadly drug. Heroine is the woman who saves the day in books and movies. Heroin is NEVER the heroine.

Princess, look as the past as trying a strategy of trying to help keep the relationship alive and protect the kids. The reality is that it took a bit of trying to realize it wasn't working.

You're not a failure, you're at a new beginning.

HardLessons

Sorry for the spelling mistake I meant to type heroin not heroine I never knew my addict to be a heroine.

Who knows maybe if its gods will one day she will become an ex IV heroin user who dramatically change her life & became a heroine.

Princessofhope

Princessofhope

Princessofhope

Princessofhope

hopeful4

There is one other option. Going no contact about every single thing except constructive conversation regarding the children. That is what I have done with my Xhusband. We literally speak only when required. If he tries beyond that, I explain that I will only speak to him about constructive things regarding our children and nothing else. Then I ignore every other thing he says. It works pretty well.

Thing is, they cannot continue to engage with someone who will not engage back.

Your kids deserve a happy and healthy mom! They have to be first, before you, your needs, before him, and his needs. What is best for your children. I have a feeling this is not it.

HardLessons

I knew you would remember me.

Wasn't easy for me to be out of contact with her for an entire year. By the grace of god she has left me alone. It wasn't over a fight we had - no bad words were exchanged. It just kind of happened quietly.

I know the feeling of being broken. Their crazy life & our willingness to hang on just about kills us. She literally broke me down to my knees.

I am sorry for how you are feeling now. Your not alone. Many here totally understand how you are feeling.

I m still here.

trailmix

You're not you know. dandylion (another member here) says two things (well many but two that are brought to mind).

First that you don't know how much courage you have until just when you need it and secondly that if you can live with an alcoholic/addict you can certainly make it on your own.

You are stronger than you believe.

You didn't Cause it, can't Control it, can't Cure it.

Recovery takes time, a great deal of time. If he is not willing to put in the commitment and time required - well, that is his road to travel, it doesn't have to be yours.

You need a plan. Baby steps. Safety (this includes your emotional safety),Financial, housing, transport.

If you have children that are underage, best would be to start with a consultation with a lawyer. You should be able to have an initial consultation for little to no cost. Above all you need to know what his rights are for visitation.

Financial. Do you work? If not you may want to contact social services or your nearest DV office to discuss what services may be available to you. If he still has your bankcard you can call the bank right away and cancel it and usually pick up a new card the next day at the bank.

Emotional safety. There are co-parenting apps available, like Ourfamilywizard, just google it to have a look. I'm not really familiar with it but have heard of other parents that have success with it.

By limiting contact to only matters regarding your children, he will be unable to contact you for anything else.

You need support, is therapy possible? If not, or even if it is, have you attended Al-Anon?

Troubledone

Sometimes calling it quits feels like defeat - and - maybe it is really a triumph.

If you are serious about being done with is, this is the beginning of a new life. Maybe consider taking time to heal and regain your strength. Other emotions may emerge (anger, resentment, fear, etc.). Consider using those emotions to fuel your resolve.

This site is full of people who have finally gotten fed up and transferred all the energy they were putting into saving their addict (a losing proposition) into saving themselves and discovered a depth of joy and competence they didn't know they had.

Prayers for healing and hope and the discovery of your unique competencies.

gemini7

You're very welcome.