Rough day amidst the healing process
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Rough day amidst the healing process
I’m sure some of you know my story - if not, I’m sure it’s similar to most of the stories found on this forum.
Today I’m struggling with so much hurt and depression. I’ve been trying to do all of the right things - attending weekly therapy, working, moving on and basically just trying to live my life- to just get my life back in order - for me. But, I’m human and sometimes a really bad day creeps in now and again.
Ex meth addict boyfriend. The rollercoaster was draining. I did things right in the beginning, left him when I knew he was using. Before I was educated on addiction, I let him coax me back in to trying to work on things while we were apart and he was in sober living. I knew it was too soon for us both, but unfortunately I ignored my gut and he swore he was in a good place to do so. As I learned more and more - I knew I couldn’t do this. But, I couldn’t lie to myself and say I didn’t still have feelings for the man I used to know. It was difficult. A tug of war between my heart and logic. In the past two years we’ve been apart - me at home, him in a different city living in sober living, he’s had 2 relapses since then. I just learned after his last relapse, that he had a few relapses during the whole year I thought he was sober - he lied to me and mislead me for a year. I shouldn’t be surprised, as he’s an addict right? Just lies on top of lies and more manipulation. It still hurts. He recently just got on probation and is sober. He just shut down and told me my presence and opinion weren’t needed any longer and that we just live too far apart anyway - then just disappeared. Irrational anger set in and I said what I needed to say to vent my frustrations. He just gave me nothing but silence and that’s that. After everything we’ve been through. I feel as though I got scammed. I know underneath the hurt that I’m jumping for joy that this is over. I can’t help that it still hurts to be treated like he did and has for so long. He had me convinced for so long that the drugs were what was causing him to act out and do the terrible things he did - not him. Shame on me for believing this. I’m trying to forgive myself for being fooled for so long - for being in denial about what was really going on. For being hopeful for entirely way too long. But. I know this story isn’t new to this forum. It seems to be the majority of the stories for many of the ones on here who have loved an addict. I’m sorry if you’ve been here as well.
Today I’m struggling with so much hurt and depression. I’ve been trying to do all of the right things - attending weekly therapy, working, moving on and basically just trying to live my life- to just get my life back in order - for me. But, I’m human and sometimes a really bad day creeps in now and again.
Ex meth addict boyfriend. The rollercoaster was draining. I did things right in the beginning, left him when I knew he was using. Before I was educated on addiction, I let him coax me back in to trying to work on things while we were apart and he was in sober living. I knew it was too soon for us both, but unfortunately I ignored my gut and he swore he was in a good place to do so. As I learned more and more - I knew I couldn’t do this. But, I couldn’t lie to myself and say I didn’t still have feelings for the man I used to know. It was difficult. A tug of war between my heart and logic. In the past two years we’ve been apart - me at home, him in a different city living in sober living, he’s had 2 relapses since then. I just learned after his last relapse, that he had a few relapses during the whole year I thought he was sober - he lied to me and mislead me for a year. I shouldn’t be surprised, as he’s an addict right? Just lies on top of lies and more manipulation. It still hurts. He recently just got on probation and is sober. He just shut down and told me my presence and opinion weren’t needed any longer and that we just live too far apart anyway - then just disappeared. Irrational anger set in and I said what I needed to say to vent my frustrations. He just gave me nothing but silence and that’s that. After everything we’ve been through. I feel as though I got scammed. I know underneath the hurt that I’m jumping for joy that this is over. I can’t help that it still hurts to be treated like he did and has for so long. He had me convinced for so long that the drugs were what was causing him to act out and do the terrible things he did - not him. Shame on me for believing this. I’m trying to forgive myself for being fooled for so long - for being in denial about what was really going on. For being hopeful for entirely way too long. But. I know this story isn’t new to this forum. It seems to be the majority of the stories for many of the ones on here who have loved an addict. I’m sorry if you’ve been here as well.
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Healing
I am there as well. Seeing the truth is a very difficult task and process. I went through 7 years w my now ex. His doc heroin although he do anything. I finally left him 10 months ago and still feel that hurt. Still have the disbelief. It's not always just the drugs. There is so much more to recovery. Although I dont believe i realized it until I had to admit he was my addiction. I no longer exist to him even though I was only one who stood by him through relapses rehabs jails...I even moved us out of state thinking all would be well. Boy was I wrong. He now has an 18 year old gf and smokes weed n dabs daily with supplements. I've had to change my total focus to look at my faults. My self worth. Focus on my recovery. One day at a time. Some days are better then others. I'm not giving up on me this time. Blessings.
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I think there are as many reasons any of us get hooked into an addict's life as there are people who go through what you are describing. At the base of it, we want to help - although too much.
Most of us on this forum have lived through what you are describing in one way or another and we all know how much it hurts, and how confusing it can be.
The good news is that there is healing. To forgive an addict and let them go is freeing. It frees them to make something of themselves, or not, based on their own choices. It is even more freeing when we can forgive ourselves and heal the wounds that got us hooked in the first place. Most of us believed we were doing the right thing, and when we know better we do better. It's just life and all the lessons in it. And when you can do that, you'll find that...
There ARE healthy people in the world who don't lie, manipulate and betray. There ARE pursuits worthy of your time, energy and attention that create something good in the world that makes a difference, instead of spinning your wheels trying to do someone else's work of healing.
It takes time and some inner work - but there are days of joy ahead.
Prayers for healing and hope
Most of us on this forum have lived through what you are describing in one way or another and we all know how much it hurts, and how confusing it can be.
The good news is that there is healing. To forgive an addict and let them go is freeing. It frees them to make something of themselves, or not, based on their own choices. It is even more freeing when we can forgive ourselves and heal the wounds that got us hooked in the first place. Most of us believed we were doing the right thing, and when we know better we do better. It's just life and all the lessons in it. And when you can do that, you'll find that...
There ARE healthy people in the world who don't lie, manipulate and betray. There ARE pursuits worthy of your time, energy and attention that create something good in the world that makes a difference, instead of spinning your wheels trying to do someone else's work of healing.
It takes time and some inner work - but there are days of joy ahead.
Prayers for healing and hope
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Originally Posted by skoteski 
I am there as well. Seeing the truth is a very difficult task and process. I went through 7 years w my now ex. His doc heroin although he do anything. I finally left him 10 months ago and still feel that hurt. Still have the disbelief. It's not always just the drugs. There is so much more to recovery. Although I dont believe i realized it until I had to admit he was my addiction. I no longer exist to him even though I was only one who stood by him through relapses rehabs jails...I even moved us out of state thinking all would be well. Boy was I wrong. He now has an 18 year old gf and smokes weed n dabs daily with supplements. I've had to change my total focus to look at my faults. My self worth. Focus on my recovery. One day at a time. Some days are better then others. I'm not giving up on me this time. Blessings.
Yes, it’s easy to get dragged into their addiction. Their addiction makes you become addicted. Your body gets used to the chaos - keeping an eye on what’s next, making sure they’re ok, etc. Its exhausting. Well, just have confidence that this 18 girl will feel what you’re feeling at some point. It’s hard to not let this sort of behavior on their part affect your self esteem- I struggle with this too, even though logically I know he’s the problem, but it still hurts.
Keep going, sounds like you’re on the right track to healing!
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Originally Posted by Troubledone
I think there are as many reasons any of us get hooked into an addict's life as there are people who go through what you are describing. At the base of it, we want to help - although too much.
Most of us on this forum have lived through what you are describing in one way or another and we all know how much it hurts, and how confusing it can be.
The good news is that there is healing. To forgive an addict and let them go is freeing. It frees them to make something of themselves, or not, based on their own choices. It is even more freeing when we can forgive ourselves and heal the wounds that got us hooked in the first place. Most of us believed we were doing the right thing, and when we know better we do better. It's just life and all the lessons in it. And when you can do that, you'll find that...
There ARE healthy people in the world who don't lie, manipulate and betray. There ARE pursuits worthy of your time, energy and attention that create something good in the world that makes a difference, instead of spinning your wheels trying to do someone else's work of healing.
It takes time and some inner work - but there are days of joy ahead.
Prayers for healing and hope
Most of us on this forum have lived through what you are describing in one way or another and we all know how much it hurts, and how confusing it can be.
The good news is that there is healing. To forgive an addict and let them go is freeing. It frees them to make something of themselves, or not, based on their own choices. It is even more freeing when we can forgive ourselves and heal the wounds that got us hooked in the first place. Most of us believed we were doing the right thing, and when we know better we do better. It's just life and all the lessons in it. And when you can do that, you'll find that...
There ARE healthy people in the world who don't lie, manipulate and betray. There ARE pursuits worthy of your time, energy and attention that create something good in the world that makes a difference, instead of spinning your wheels trying to do someone else's work of healing.
It takes time and some inner work - but there are days of joy ahead.
Prayers for healing and hope
I did find myself wanting to help at times - but mostly I felt I was trying to keep my boundaries strong. After all he has put me through in our relationship, I required a couple of things and 1 of those things was asking him to seek therapy as he recovered (when he was ready), but he never did. Maybe I was too controlling in his eyes, but in my eyes, he made this mess - he caused the distrust, so in order for us to work on things and move forward, I had a couple of requirements. I also felt this was a fair thing to ask because I too had started therapy as well.
I do want to forgive more than anything, but I am still having a hard time with this. All of the betrayal - all of the lies, manipulation, gaslighting, cheating, etc, makes it very hard to forgive. The funny thing is, so much of this was done under the radar, behind the scenes- plus he was so good at making it seem like what I was seeing wasn’t even real. I’m more upset about the mind screwing he put upon me. I didn’t even know what’s up or down. I look back thinking, wow, I should have ended this years ago, he was just good at persuading me to distrust my gut/intuition and this makes me very angry. As petty as it seems, now I have to deal with him breaking up with me. I know it’s all ego and that ultimately it’s the best outcome no matter who ended it, but it’s still a tough pill to swallow. Hopefully one day I’ll figure out how to forgive him for what feels like a 3 1/2 year scam.
You are absolutely right, there are more productive things to put my time an energy into- I think my brain is just so used to figuring him out, or just basically focusing on what he’s up to or doing next - my brain just needs some rewiring!
I do hope he hasn’t scarred me so deeply I won’t be able to love or trust again. My fear is that he’s messed up my heart and mind so much that I’m just damaged. Even on top of all that he’s done - I can’t even begin to explain what the silent treatment he’s given me currently and in the past has done to me. It’s been very hard to understand that I’m not the problem- that I didn’t deserve this. It’s been tough - but the good thing is, I have had some good days sneak in here and there. I know I need to have more distance between me and this situation. With distance and efforts to improve myself, there in lies the peace.
I think reading a lot of the posts on here and reading similar stories to mine, just really broke my heart last night. I’m sorry so many people have been here.
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this is a really good article talking about what you are going thru....
https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/sil...weapon-0602145
it's his power play. it is abuse.
quote:
So how does one deal with the silent treatment from a person with narcissism? For those leaving a toxic relationship with such an individual, many therapists suggest that the survivor understand that the person with narcissism has not developed the ability to express a high level of empathy, reciprocity, and compromise. The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse that no one deserves nor should tolerate. If an individual experiences this absence of communication, it is a sure sign that he or she needs to move on and heal.
https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/sil...weapon-0602145
it's his power play. it is abuse.
quote:
So how does one deal with the silent treatment from a person with narcissism? For those leaving a toxic relationship with such an individual, many therapists suggest that the survivor understand that the person with narcissism has not developed the ability to express a high level of empathy, reciprocity, and compromise. The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse that no one deserves nor should tolerate. If an individual experiences this absence of communication, it is a sure sign that he or she needs to move on and heal.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
this is a really good article talking about what you are going thru....
https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/sil...weapon-0602145
it's his power play. it is abuse.
quote:
So how does one deal with the silent treatment from a person with narcissism? For those leaving a toxic relationship with such an individual, many therapists suggest that the survivor understand that the person with narcissism has not developed the ability to express a high level of empathy, reciprocity, and compromise. The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse that no one deserves nor should tolerate. If an individual experiences this absence of communication, it is a sure sign that he or she needs to move on and heal.
https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/sil...weapon-0602145
it's his power play. it is abuse.
quote:
So how does one deal with the silent treatment from a person with narcissism? For those leaving a toxic relationship with such an individual, many therapists suggest that the survivor understand that the person with narcissism has not developed the ability to express a high level of empathy, reciprocity, and compromise. The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse that no one deserves nor should tolerate. If an individual experiences this absence of communication, it is a sure sign that he or she needs to move on and heal.
Thank you for the article.
The silent treatment can definitely do a number on someone’s mind. It really makes you feel like you’re the one at fault, scrambling to try to explain, to get them to break the silence.
I can’t say that I’m innocent by any means. I’ve had my fair share of being unpleasant and being a b*tch at times.. and I always feel remorseful afterwards. But when I stop and look at what caused me to react this way in the first place, a lot of the times it was his silent treatment tactic, even if it was dealt out in small doses. He’d tell me he’s not doing this today and disappear, or that I’m being negative and ghost. It makes my temper escalate, then remorse eventually sets in. I was usually the one apologizing and reaching out to resolve the issue. He rarely ever tried to resolve issues or apologize unless I started the process. The last time I remember him initiating an apology was when he was on his “pink cloud” 2 years ago.
This time wasn’t much different. He relapsed, I knew it was happening- I cried, he yelled at me for crying and blocked me. He sobered up, we spoke, he gave very little if anything at all. My frustration started to build after all of this treatment and then poof- “didn’t you get the hint? I was done with you two weeks ago- your presence and opinion isn’t needed anymore..” Then stating he has a lot on his plate. That I live too far away and to stop talking “sh*t and go get happy.” I did feel a hint of regret, as I know he does has a lot on his plate with probation and sobriety. But, I couldn’t help feeling angry with how I was treated recently. I had a few things to say, as his plan for the past two years was for him to come up here on weekends until we figured out our next step. My temper got the best of me and I had several things to say. I just know this is a mess and I’m tired of being treated like trash and feeling invisible. This silent treatment has made me feel like maybe I am an insensitive jerk for not empathizing this time with his relapse and what he’s going through. But, then I take a step back and remember all that he’s done. On drugs or not, it’s been abusive.
I feel his mask is finally coming off and I’m just feeling angry that I fell for all of his lies and illusions. I’m working on my issues, anger and insecurities in therapy - i know I’m not perfect by any means. I’m just trying to forgive myself for wasting so much time thinking he was a good guy underneath the drugs.
To be fair, I do recall him apologizing once in the past couple of months but after years of this chaos, it just wasn’t enough for me.
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Well, you’re certainly not the first person to discover all there is underneath the drugs is a d**chebag :/..disappointing for sure. . But stop & think about the stonewalling / ignoring for a second. I know if that were me, and I ignored someone that way and said the things he said to you, I would expect that that would be that, and the person wouldn’t speak to me again.
Not sure if he’s the push- pull type, in that he might come back around when the wind blows the other way and his mood shifts, but think about how arrogant a person has to be, to expect that a person will be there if and when they decide to come back after treating someone that way ? And the behavior does get reinforced every time a person is still there after being treated that way, but there’s always the opportunity to get off the roller coaster and stop from your end, painful and crappy as the whole experience is. You can’t change his rude behavior, but you can change how you react to him.
Not sure if he’s the push- pull type, in that he might come back around when the wind blows the other way and his mood shifts, but think about how arrogant a person has to be, to expect that a person will be there if and when they decide to come back after treating someone that way ? And the behavior does get reinforced every time a person is still there after being treated that way, but there’s always the opportunity to get off the roller coaster and stop from your end, painful and crappy as the whole experience is. You can’t change his rude behavior, but you can change how you react to him.
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Originally Posted by pdm22
Well, you’re certainly not the first person to discover all there is underneath the drugs is a d**chebag :/..disappointing for sure. . But stop & think about the stonewalling / ignoring for a second. I know if that were me, and I ignored someone that way and said the things he said to you, I would expect that that would be that, and the person wouldn’t speak to me again.
Not sure if he’s the push- pull type, in that he might come back around when the wind blows the other way and his mood shifts, but think about how arrogant a person has to be, to expect that a person will be there if and when they decide to come back after treating someone that way ? And the behavior does get reinforced every time a person is still there after being treated that way, but there’s always the opportunity to get off the roller coaster and stop from your end, painful and crappy as the whole experience is. You can’t change his rude behavior, but you can change how you react to him.
Not sure if he’s the push- pull type, in that he might come back around when the wind blows the other way and his mood shifts, but think about how arrogant a person has to be, to expect that a person will be there if and when they decide to come back after treating someone that way ? And the behavior does get reinforced every time a person is still there after being treated that way, but there’s always the opportunity to get off the roller coaster and stop from your end, painful and crappy as the whole experience is. You can’t change his rude behavior, but you can change how you react to him.
He most definitely is the push/pull, avoidant attachment style type of person. There have been a couple times in the past he’d block me/go silent for 2 months at a time because we had issues. Eventually he’d unblock me and wait to see what happened. Unfortunately, I would be the one to come back after time to resolve the conflict - and he knew and knows this is what I do. I was in a worse place then and allowed myself to reach out after this kind of treatment.
It’s funny when I think back on those times - after one of those 2 month silent treatment stints he gave, we started speaking again and he insinuated he was hurt that I didn’t tell him happy birthday during that time. It made zero sense to me. I told him it was his choice to behave the way he did, it was his choice to block me and act like a child - why the heck would I want to wish him a happy birthday? He’s dysfunctional that way - he wants to conveniently forget what he’s done to cause the problem or how he’s contributed others reactions.
Even recently, to my detriment, I had reached out to him and tried to extend a kind hand, as I heard he was homeless and just gotten arrested for being high in public. The soft side of me didn’t want him to feel alone. I regret this now - but he was still high at the time and I could barely decipher what he was saying. When we spoke the few times after he sobered up - he admitted he immediately deleted the messages between us after he responded, as he didn’t want to remember what he said. I was insulted by this, as this is what he always did. Use, then sober up and sweep everything he did under the rug. God forbid anyone try to bring up anything from the past - he just always wanted to move forward. But, I sent him a copy of the email he had sent me. Maybe this was a mistake on my part and maybe it wasn’t my place to do so, but I felt he needed to see what he was like while high. I was tired of him not facing reality. This is him in a nutshell. This has been incredibly tough to navigate through in a “correct” way when there are so many hurt feelings.
But, I’m currently learning from my mistakes, and in the meantime, I’m growing, working on myself and finally taking off these rose colored glasses.
I really appreciate this forum and you guys for reaching out and allowing me to vent and validating my experience. It helps a lot.
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It’s funny when I think back on those times - after one of those 2 month silent treatment stints he gave, we started speaking again and he insinuated he was hurt that I didn’t tell him happy birthday during that time. It made zero sense to me. I told him it was his choice to behave the way he did, it was his choice to block me and act like a child - why the heck would I want to wish him a happy birthday? He’s dysfunctional that way - he wants to conveniently forget what he’s done to cause the problem or how he’s contributed others reactions.
Right? It sounds like he’s so self absorbed, he probably couldn’t even begin to fathom that what’s he’s doing or feeling isn’t the center of the universe and the most important thing at all times..:/
Right? It sounds like he’s so self absorbed, he probably couldn’t even begin to fathom that what’s he’s doing or feeling isn’t the center of the universe and the most important thing at all times..:/
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Originally Posted by pdm22
It’s funny when I think back on those times - after one of those 2 month silent treatment stints he gave, we started speaking again and he insinuated he was hurt that I didn’t tell him happy birthday during that time. It made zero sense to me. I told him it was his choice to behave the way he did, it was his choice to block me and act like a child - why the heck would I want to wish him a happy birthday? He’s dysfunctional that way - he wants to conveniently forget what he’s done to cause the problem or how he’s contributed others reactions.
Right? It sounds like he’s so self absorbed, he probably couldn’t even begin to fathom that what’s he’s doing or feeling isn’t the center of the universe and the most important thing at all times..:/
Right? It sounds like he’s so self absorbed, he probably couldn’t even begin to fathom that what’s he’s doing or feeling isn’t the center of the universe and the most important thing at all times..:/
Hopefully I’ll heal from this one day. He’s really eroded my ability to trust men and truly, his character has really freaked me out. I swear after every relapse he seems to get worse. But, the way I see it, I’ve learned from the best and I’ll better know in the future, if I can ever even establish a healthy relationship one day, when to walk away, to not ignore the red flags when they pop up and to trust my intuition.
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