tracer

Hi everyone. I'm fairly new here and in recovery from addiction myself. I recently dated someone who is imo an addict in denial. she uses pot daily to help her sleep but also to deal with life. It was a big red flag for me when she told me she was a pothead, but I didnt realize how much until we had a few dates. We are both in our 50's. Although I only dated her for a few weeks I really fell for her and when she told me that she basically smokes pot all the time except when she is at work we kind of mutually decided the relationship wouldnt work out. I told her that it would be hard for me to be around someone who uses a lot so she basically ended it to spare me from a relapse myself. She has no interest in stopping using even though she agreed that she is probably somewhat addicted as mentally it really helps her get thru her life. her previous relationship was destroyed by her exes alcoholism and she herself has been to AA but see's pot as the answer to the alcohol problem. She very much wanted us to remain friends but because I really fell for her and also the fact that she is using and I am in recovery, I opted against a friendship. Now I miss her like crazy. We had some fun dates and a lot in common. I am trying to do the no contact thing but I just feel horrible like I abandoned her. My sponsor has told me that I should not reach out to her, that I am addicted and should treat her like a drug urge, but I just want to meet her for coffee and talk, maybe I could be a positive force in her life to get off the weed and into sobriety. She admitted to having addiction issues. I just miss her. we used to text a lot and I miss that. I feel sad for her as she is going thru some hard stuff in her life right now and maybe the pot really is helping her. I'd love some feedback and/or support on how to deal with this situation. thanks.

CodeJob

Hello Tracer,

People with codependent tendencies tend to be instinctevly drawn to broken people. When I did my step work I realized I had a nice collection of brilliant introverted ACOAs....again and again until I marked one.

Peace.

tomsteve

maybe I could be a positive force in her life to get off the weed and into sobriety.
I'd love some feedback and/or support on how to deal with this situation.

work the steps through it.
your powerless over her and your thinking is unmanagable.
do you want to be restored to sanity about it?
turn it over.
write it out.
tell your sponsor.
continue with the rest of the steps

you arent powerful enough to save anyone and it reads like theres an ulterior motive.

check out the f&f forum and the stickies at the top. theres a wee bit of codie stuff in your post.
might want to check out alanon,too.


she is going thru some hard stuff in her life right now and maybe the pot really is helping her

people going through hard stuff in their lives every day without smokin dope.
dont cosign her BS.

tracer

can you explain what you mean by "you had a nice collection of ACOA's" and "until I marked one" ? just trying to understand your post. thanks

biminiblue

tracer, this is essentially the exact same thing you've been posting for a couple weeks or so.

I think if you make an effort to get some more people in your life this will fade.

She's not a good fit.

It happens.

You can't "help" her. She's a full grown woman and she has made her choices clear.

Listen to her.

This extreme discomfort (fear) around loss/rejection/abandonment that you have needs to be examined and put to rest once and for all or this kind of too-fast attachment may continue to plague you. I used to do that in my twenties, but it's not a healthy way to get into a relationship.

Slow and steady.

I agree with everything tomsteve wrote.

tracer

i understand, and i am working steps with my sponsor, looking for a therapist, going o meetings, spending time with friends, but sometimes i just need to vent and get a reality check

tracer

also i think i am a bit in shock over her choice to not deal with her addiction. i fully expected her to want to take a look at her using especially after she reported that her ex'/s addiction ruined their relationship. or i expected that maybe she wasnt using as much as she is so it wouldnt have been such a big issue. coming from a place of recovery and wanting to deal with problems in my life head on i guess i assumed she would be the same but apparently not.
why would someone whose life was upturned by someone elses addiction and who wants a healthy long term partner who doesnt drink and has a healthy lifestyle (she told me on our first date that she wanted these things) ever let her own drug use take priority over a person she claimed to have really liked. thats what boggles my mind...

hopeful4

I understand. It's really hard to feel like someone is choosing addiction. In this day and age, there is more support for the addict than there ever has been. However, unless they want it and are willing to fight for it, it just does not happen. It hurts, and it is sad.

Keep posting, keep venting. SR is a place of support, and that includes letting you vent anytime you need to!

Sending you a hug! Keep working on you, it will get better, I promise!

tomsteve

because of addiction.

i chose addiction/alcoholism over some very amazing women over the years of active alcoholism/addiction.
there was a SHITTON of things i did when i was active in alcoholism/addiction i still cant answer why other than- because of acoholism/addiction.
well, i can somewhat- selfish and self centered.

tracer

yes ! thank you.

tracer

thanks everyone. like i said sometimes i just need a reality check...

D122y

Tracer,

I am going to go w this....

If she makes you happy, be w her.

Addiction is a choice. My mom stayed w my dad for 30 years while he was addicted to every drug except heroin.

They made a happy life.

Pot addicts are not like drunks. Totally different high.

Be happy sir.

My whole family drinks. When they are around d me they drink less.

Not because I ask them to, but because they think it helps me or something.

Don't deny your love!

Thanks.

tracer

as an addict in recovery for 30 years it is not safe for me to be involved with someone who is using every day so dating her is not an option unless she takes a look at her own addiction. i just figured she would want to given her past but she made it clear to me that she is not willing to look at her drug use right now as she feels it is helping her. I guess she will just find another person to date who is a daily pot smoker and they can bond over that. she obviously doesnt really want a relationship based on real intimacy, although she seems to think she does. I need to let this go its making me crazy

biminiblue

I think you're doing great working through it.

I've learned through painful experience that I have to be very careful to guard my heart in the beginning of relationships or dating. If I get too close too fast I stand to be hurt more than is necessary.

Dating is like a job interview. A job interview that is the most important job ever - and it pays to do a very long vetting process, complete with all the questions BEFORE the hiring (i.e. getting too involved emotionally.)

For me that means no cozy nights on the couch, no long petting sessions (do they still use that word?) and definitely no mattress dancing. That just is a hook/line/sinker deal. No playing house.

tracer

yes i totally agree. i got attached way too quickly. and although she was a bit guarded when we would hang out in person, she was constantly texting me and making me feel like she was truly interested. I always tell people that texts are not a substitute for face to face time, but I fell for it big time ! she was even texting me when she was out with friends, giving me updates on her whereabouts, etc. just like we were already in a comitted relationship !

biminiblue

That may just be a phone addiction.

Not that you aren't charming! But, phone addiction/compulsion is a thing, and another thing is wanting to keep people on the hook even if it isn't the right or true thing. That's a huge ego boost for an addict.

tomsteve

its important to remember what dating is.
A form of romantic courtship typically between two individuals with the aim of assessing the other's suitability as a partner in an intimate relationship or as a spouse. The result of dating may at any time lead to friendship, any level of intimate relationship, marriage, or no relation
it isnt commiting

youre doin good,tracer, and seems some acceptance is occurring for ya.

tracer

she told me herself that she thought i was great and that our dates were some of the best dates she's ever had. i think i'm a pretty good catch actually. Im a good communicator, non judgemental, thoughtful, friendly, smart and sweet. i have a lot of healthy things going on in my life, I'm in good shape, very young for my age, and have good friends. plus i made her laugh a bunch (maybe bc she was stoned?). I dunno she definitely seemed to really like me...

tracer

yes this all makes a ton of sense intellectually, but when dating it is quite common to fall for someone, especially when there are two lonely people with a mutual attraction and some things in common. and I wasnt on a dating site looking for friends nor do i need to be friends with a stoner as i am in recovery so that wasnt going to happen.