I feel like I never existed...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1
I feel like I never existed...
The worst part is feeling like you never mattered. That you were easily forgotten. That you didn't mean a thing.
The worst part is always hoping they send a text. Even when you say to everyone cheering you on that you are done with it, just so they stop saying bad things about him. And they never text. It's as if you never were even in a relationship, you matter so little.
The worst part is saying you are done trying to contact them, then fear sets in and you need to know they are alive. When you drive by their apt to see the flicker of the TV, so you can drive home and sleep. When you send another late text telling them you love them so the previous angry one you sent isn't the last one they saw if they die.
The worst part is feeling like you did everything, and they still hate you.
The worst part is reading these forums, knowing you have to move on, and feeling like they will always be in the corner of your mind.
The worst part is that this has changed you.
The worst part is you can't take it back.
The worst part is that you never want to love anyone again.
The worst part is always hoping they send a text. Even when you say to everyone cheering you on that you are done with it, just so they stop saying bad things about him. And they never text. It's as if you never were even in a relationship, you matter so little.
The worst part is saying you are done trying to contact them, then fear sets in and you need to know they are alive. When you drive by their apt to see the flicker of the TV, so you can drive home and sleep. When you send another late text telling them you love them so the previous angry one you sent isn't the last one they saw if they die.
The worst part is feeling like you did everything, and they still hate you.
The worst part is reading these forums, knowing you have to move on, and feeling like they will always be in the corner of your mind.
The worst part is that this has changed you.
The worst part is you can't take it back.
The worst part is that you never want to love anyone again.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
I was there. It took me about 6 months to pull through, but I'm so much happier now. Ex continued to spiral out of control, and it's been so much easier to see this from a distance- when you're enmeshed with someone, it's harder to see the hell their life has become. I'm so glad I've been able to make a good life for myself, and this wouldn't have been possible with an addict always dragging me down.
You'll get through this.
You'll get through this.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
The part where it gets better is when you find your own recovery through meetings or counseling or family support groups...and find your balance again.
The part where it gets better is when we turn the focus from them and start caring about ourselves, making ourselves do things to distract us from the thinking of "woulda, coulda, shoulda".
The part where it gets better is when we make a decision each morning that we will live the day well, that we will find joy somewhere, and that we will smile at people and find something that will make us laugh until we hurt.
The part where it gets better is when we decide we are worth so much more than a life fighting addiction and all it brings to our loved ones. It's when we let go of the illusion that "we" have anything to do with it and that "we" can do anything about it...we can't but we can do something about caring for ourselves, healing and learning to live well again.
I hope you find this part soon. You are worth it all.
The part where it gets better is when we turn the focus from them and start caring about ourselves, making ourselves do things to distract us from the thinking of "woulda, coulda, shoulda".
The part where it gets better is when we make a decision each morning that we will live the day well, that we will find joy somewhere, and that we will smile at people and find something that will make us laugh until we hurt.
The part where it gets better is when we decide we are worth so much more than a life fighting addiction and all it brings to our loved ones. It's when we let go of the illusion that "we" have anything to do with it and that "we" can do anything about it...we can't but we can do something about caring for ourselves, healing and learning to live well again.
I hope you find this part soon. You are worth it all.
Fancy7
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Albuquerque NM
Posts: 4
I’ve been there and it took a while to realize that my own self worth was more important than any what If thoughts I had .. but you’re right it is tough to think what if something happened , did I say the right thing ? In the end you need to take care of yourself , find a meeting , talk to someone and do more things for yourself to fill up your Love tank ... it will get easier , but it is a process .. progress not perfection .. prayers to you
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