Long distance BF nearly OD's and went back to ex GF
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
Please go easy on yourself. You have been put through the wringer by a couple of addicts. The very difficult thoughts & feelings you are currently experiencing are in my opinion normal given the circumstance. I have been there where you are now. Everyone on this thread & countless others on SR have been where you are now.
There are things which you will have to work through concerning yourself. But there was a lot going on with this BF & his ExGF which you had absolutely no control over whatsoever - None. There is nothing you could have done or said to change it I tried hard for years to change mine but in the end she didn't change.
Time totally away from these people will help to ease your pain & confusion. Be patient with yourself because it will take time. It will get better in time.
If you need one on one professional therapy go line it up - don't even think twice. I knew I needed it & I got help.
There are things which you will have to work through concerning yourself. But there was a lot going on with this BF & his ExGF which you had absolutely no control over whatsoever - None. There is nothing you could have done or said to change it I tried hard for years to change mine but in the end she didn't change.
Time totally away from these people will help to ease your pain & confusion. Be patient with yourself because it will take time. It will get better in time.
If you need one on one professional therapy go line it up - don't even think twice. I knew I needed it & I got help.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I think the steps you are taking, packing up reminders, focusing on work and taking care of yourself are steps forward.
We can drive ourselves crazy with all the detective work and what if's and how comes.
I have to agree that I think long distances relationships are just that, long distance as in not close right from the beginning.
We can drive ourselves crazy with all the detective work and what if's and how comes.
I have to agree that I think long distances relationships are just that, long distance as in not close right from the beginning.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Here is a practical exercise for you, friend: Write down everything you EVER loved to do before you ever met him. Then write up a list of things you've always wanted to do/learn but have never gotten to try. I'm sure there are many things. You sound like a wonderful person, which is why he ever loved you in the first place and was making big plans for the two of you.
So...get a list going and treat them like "bullet points" of things we aspire to do or get back into...I found that really SHIFTED my focus point like almost 180. And, I knew I had many friends and family members who still loved me to pieces. Losing him is really not going to be a true "loss" in the long run.
I think you were totally blindsided all by this addiction and psycho ex drama, dear one...so take care...I knew one thing for certain, I could never be with that boyfriend again. So I got as far away from it mentally and emotionally, though not really physically...there was a chance we could run into one another on campus...But there was a part of my heart I had to totally shut down in order to heal completely...
I think also that he didn't tell me about the other girlfriend because he was afraid I would balk at seeing him.
So...get a list going and treat them like "bullet points" of things we aspire to do or get back into...I found that really SHIFTED my focus point like almost 180. And, I knew I had many friends and family members who still loved me to pieces. Losing him is really not going to be a true "loss" in the long run.
I think you were totally blindsided all by this addiction and psycho ex drama, dear one...so take care...I knew one thing for certain, I could never be with that boyfriend again. So I got as far away from it mentally and emotionally, though not really physically...there was a chance we could run into one another on campus...But there was a part of my heart I had to totally shut down in order to heal completely...
I think also that he didn't tell me about the other girlfriend because he was afraid I would balk at seeing him.
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by HardLessons 
There are things which you will have to work through concerning yourself. But there was a lot going on with this BF & his ExGF which you had absolutely no control over whatsoever - None. There is nothing you could have done or said to change it
Originally Posted by HardLessons
If you need one on one professional therapy go line it up - don't even think twice. I knew I needed it & I got help.
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Join Date: Apr 2018
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Originally Posted by teatreeoil007
Here is a practical exercise for you, friend: Write down everything you EVER loved to do before you ever met him. Then write up a list of things you've always wanted to do/learn but have never gotten to try.
Originally Posted by teatreeoil007
I think you were totally blindsided all by this addiction and psycho ex drama, dear one...so take care...I knew one thing for certain, I could never be with that boyfriend again.
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 15
Today I called and made an appointment with a counselor, unfortunately it isn't until late next week. I'm not sure I can go that long.
Last night I absolutely fell apart and tried to ring - his mobile has been disconnected. I've deleted and blocked everyone else associated with this situation.
I realise the ex's only appeal is that she'll put up with behaviour I won't. The thought of him using again really worries me but and I've had nightmares about him dying.
Really faltering today, rang in to work, been curled up in bed weeping at what could have been.
Thanks for reading.
Last night I absolutely fell apart and tried to ring - his mobile has been disconnected. I've deleted and blocked everyone else associated with this situation.
I realise the ex's only appeal is that she'll put up with behaviour I won't. The thought of him using again really worries me but and I've had nightmares about him dying.
Really faltering today, rang in to work, been curled up in bed weeping at what could have been.
Thanks for reading.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,647
EveryHopeful,
So sorry to hear that you are feeling so bad. The thing is recovery isn't going to be linear.
Keep posting here as much as you need to.
If you need someone to talk to there is always a crisis line, how about Al-Anon, have you looked for meetings where you live? If possible you could get to one today.
Another resource would be meetings for grief.
Do you have any friends or family you can call?
So sorry to hear that you are feeling so bad. The thing is recovery isn't going to be linear.
Keep posting here as much as you need to.
If you need someone to talk to there is always a crisis line, how about Al-Anon, have you looked for meetings where you live? If possible you could get to one today.
Another resource would be meetings for grief.
Do you have any friends or family you can call?
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i think it bears noting that you really don't know how this guy operated BEFORE your 18 months together. it is at least likely that some verison of this scenario has played out before, including stalker ex, and that they end up back together again. in fact, he sounds rather adept at it.......like he was running a con game.........
i realize that especially being long distance you didn't SEE a lot of signs. therein lies the cautionary tale of becoming involved with someone who you interact with primarily ONLINE.
as others have said, it's better this all crashed and burned quickly and NOW, before any further steps were taken as far as moving countries, setting up house together or getting married. i know it hurts....i am glad you have cut off all forms of communication. no new contact = no new hurts.
i realize that especially being long distance you didn't SEE a lot of signs. therein lies the cautionary tale of becoming involved with someone who you interact with primarily ONLINE.
as others have said, it's better this all crashed and burned quickly and NOW, before any further steps were taken as far as moving countries, setting up house together or getting married. i know it hurts....i am glad you have cut off all forms of communication. no new contact = no new hurts.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
i think it bears noting that you really don't know how this guy operated BEFORE your 18 months together. it is at least likely that some verison of this scenario has played out before, including stalker ex, and that they end up back together again. in fact, he sounds rather adept at it.......like he was running a con game.........
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by trailmix
EveryHopeful,
If you need someone to talk to there is always a crisis line, how about Al-Anon, have you looked for meetings where you live? If possible you could get to one today.
Another resource would be meetings for grief.
Do you have any friends or family you can call?
If you need someone to talk to there is always a crisis line, how about Al-Anon, have you looked for meetings where you live? If possible you could get to one today.
Another resource would be meetings for grief.
Do you have any friends or family you can call?
Crisis line may be an option, feels like a bowling ball is sat on my chest and I've been ugly crying for hours.
I dread when he does contact, it's almost certain that he will someday once he gets bored, curious or sentimental. Will I be strong enough to refuse?
There's always a way to reach me, through my work, my social media, plain snail mail.
I've read the saying that addiction is also a disease of regret.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
Hi EverHopeYet
When I broke off my relationship in June of 2017 (I like to think that I broke off with her but in reality for the preceding 3 months she changed dramatically for the worse) I was a mess. I was operating in pure survival mode. I needed help & I knew it. I was at times surviving in the minute.
Just so you know I don't have family or children. I have an extensive work life but I was not going to confide my huge mess with anyone from work.
I have no idea how I got the strength to stop with her. I had tried before but it never lasted more than a few days.
In June 2017 I knew I needed help but the therapist I wanted to see was booked & then on vacation for two weeks, I wasn't able to set an appointment until about mid July. It seemed like an eternity away. I did not know how I was going to make it till July.
My sometimes minute to minute survival mode consisted of the following:
1. I registered & posted my story here on this SR F & F substance abusers forum. I posted how I was feeling & got very deep into the discussion. At times I resisted thoughts & advice I was given. It was extremely difficult but I stayed with it.
2. I read back stories on this forum constantly. I found some amount of comfort from others experiences. I found myself & my addict in that reading. I read on here constantly. I still read on here.
3. I did not miss work. I got up cleaned myself up & got dressed & went to work every day. I put on my game face & faked my way through it. It got me out of the house & busy. I read on SR throughout the day as needed.
4. I kept myself busy with small things cleaning, reading, drinking fluids, eating something, sleeping if I felt tired (I slept a lot), watching mindless shows on TV about nature or sports I could not watch most shows or movies they upset me , I could not listen to the radio, I went out side to breathe fresh air, stood there in the rain, looked at the moon & clouds - it does change your perspective a bit.
5. I would try very hard not to dwell on her or our relationship. I was thinking of her constantly non stop. I had to force myself not to think about her. I had to force myself not to contact her. I had to accept she was not going to make this better. I stayed away from her (for the most part) She does not live far from me
6. Sleep - I was going to bed early like at 9pm I felt tired so I slept.
7. I did not resort to any drug or alcohol use (I do know alcohol is a drug) I took an aspirin once a day & ibuprofen if I got a headache
Every day was bad but the weekends were the worst. Its important to keep yourself as busy as possible on the weekends just busy with small things do something physical to tire yourself out. Take a bath or shower put on clean clothes (funny but true)
I could not make future plans I could not think about the future so I stayed away from it. I was focused on the moment & day to day.
I knew she would contact me. But running through all the various scenarios in your head is a waste of time & unhealthy.
I didn't laugh at anything I found little to no happiness in anything but I knew why & it was ok.
I had to remind myself constantly that with the exception of no longer being in this crazy relationship my life was fine. Everything else was fine.
I cried rivers of tears over her. But those tears came also when I was with her. Its ok to grieve its normal
Your going to survive this. I was totally alone & in very bad shape. I survived.
I hope what I wrote above helps a bit
When I broke off my relationship in June of 2017 (I like to think that I broke off with her but in reality for the preceding 3 months she changed dramatically for the worse) I was a mess. I was operating in pure survival mode. I needed help & I knew it. I was at times surviving in the minute.
Just so you know I don't have family or children. I have an extensive work life but I was not going to confide my huge mess with anyone from work.
I have no idea how I got the strength to stop with her. I had tried before but it never lasted more than a few days.
In June 2017 I knew I needed help but the therapist I wanted to see was booked & then on vacation for two weeks, I wasn't able to set an appointment until about mid July. It seemed like an eternity away. I did not know how I was going to make it till July.
My sometimes minute to minute survival mode consisted of the following:
1. I registered & posted my story here on this SR F & F substance abusers forum. I posted how I was feeling & got very deep into the discussion. At times I resisted thoughts & advice I was given. It was extremely difficult but I stayed with it.
2. I read back stories on this forum constantly. I found some amount of comfort from others experiences. I found myself & my addict in that reading. I read on here constantly. I still read on here.
3. I did not miss work. I got up cleaned myself up & got dressed & went to work every day. I put on my game face & faked my way through it. It got me out of the house & busy. I read on SR throughout the day as needed.
4. I kept myself busy with small things cleaning, reading, drinking fluids, eating something, sleeping if I felt tired (I slept a lot), watching mindless shows on TV about nature or sports I could not watch most shows or movies they upset me , I could not listen to the radio, I went out side to breathe fresh air, stood there in the rain, looked at the moon & clouds - it does change your perspective a bit.
5. I would try very hard not to dwell on her or our relationship. I was thinking of her constantly non stop. I had to force myself not to think about her. I had to force myself not to contact her. I had to accept she was not going to make this better. I stayed away from her (for the most part) She does not live far from me
6. Sleep - I was going to bed early like at 9pm I felt tired so I slept.
7. I did not resort to any drug or alcohol use (I do know alcohol is a drug) I took an aspirin once a day & ibuprofen if I got a headache
Every day was bad but the weekends were the worst. Its important to keep yourself as busy as possible on the weekends just busy with small things do something physical to tire yourself out. Take a bath or shower put on clean clothes (funny but true)
I could not make future plans I could not think about the future so I stayed away from it. I was focused on the moment & day to day.
I knew she would contact me. But running through all the various scenarios in your head is a waste of time & unhealthy.
I didn't laugh at anything I found little to no happiness in anything but I knew why & it was ok.
I had to remind myself constantly that with the exception of no longer being in this crazy relationship my life was fine. Everything else was fine.
I cried rivers of tears over her. But those tears came also when I was with her. Its ok to grieve its normal
Your going to survive this. I was totally alone & in very bad shape. I survived.
I hope what I wrote above helps a bit
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I dread when he does contact, it's almost certain that he will someday once he gets bored, curious or sentimental. Will I be strong enough to refuse?
There's always a way to reach me, through my work, my social media, plain snail mail.
I've read the saying that addiction is also a disease of regret.
There's always a way to reach me, through my work, my social media, plain snail mail.
I've read the saying that addiction is also a disease of regret.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 15
HardLessons, what a beautifully thoughtful post!
Please know I'll be referring to it often during the long days ahead.
I've been wondering what sort of person I'll be when I come out on the other side of this madness - stronger and wiser or bitter and jaded?
What you've written points to the fact that a path through the wilderness exists, thank you so very much!
Please know I'll be referring to it often during the long days ahead.
I've been wondering what sort of person I'll be when I come out on the other side of this madness - stronger and wiser or bitter and jaded?
What you've written points to the fact that a path through the wilderness exists, thank you so very much!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by atalose
I wouldn’t be counting on that!!!! That’s just setting yourself up for further disappointment.
The only disappointment I'm setting myself up for would be my own - for opening that door. I know it's coming, its only a matter of time, and I need to have my shields up.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
EHY
For now I think its important for you to focus hard & get through the next few months. Don't worry about the future. However, in time and maybe with the help of therapy you will get back to being yourself with improvements.
For me at this point I have come to accept that she will always be a part of who I am. She will be with me for the good & bad of it.
After I left the relationship in June, I didn't take the advice to block her & she contacted me in mid July. We talked a few times in one week. The last contact left me worse off than I was. It literally brought me to my knees. Horrendous. I wasn't in therapy yet. I ran here & posted for help - which I received. I totally understand the strong feelings of wanting to talk to them but in my case it didn't go well at all.
Addiction to hard drugs is extremely destructive. Addiction brings along with it tragic loss & deep regret not only for the addict but all those in close proximity.
FYI I still practice my goofy survival guide above whenever I need too.
For now I think its important for you to focus hard & get through the next few months. Don't worry about the future. However, in time and maybe with the help of therapy you will get back to being yourself with improvements.
For me at this point I have come to accept that she will always be a part of who I am. She will be with me for the good & bad of it.
After I left the relationship in June, I didn't take the advice to block her & she contacted me in mid July. We talked a few times in one week. The last contact left me worse off than I was. It literally brought me to my knees. Horrendous. I wasn't in therapy yet. I ran here & posted for help - which I received. I totally understand the strong feelings of wanting to talk to them but in my case it didn't go well at all.
Addiction to hard drugs is extremely destructive. Addiction brings along with it tragic loss & deep regret not only for the addict but all those in close proximity.
FYI I still practice my goofy survival guide above whenever I need too.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Originally Posted by EverHopefulYet
Today I called and made an appointment with a counselor, unfortunately it isn't until late next week. I'm not sure I can go that long.
Last night I absolutely fell apart and tried to ring - his mobile has been disconnected. I've deleted and blocked everyone else associated with this situation.
I realise the ex's only appeal is that she'll put up with behaviour I won't. The thought of him using again really worries me but and I've had nightmares about him dying.
Really faltering today, rang in to work, been curled up in bed weeping at what could have been.
Thanks for reading.
Last night I absolutely fell apart and tried to ring - his mobile has been disconnected. I've deleted and blocked everyone else associated with this situation.
I realise the ex's only appeal is that she'll put up with behaviour I won't. The thought of him using again really worries me but and I've had nightmares about him dying.
Really faltering today, rang in to work, been curled up in bed weeping at what could have been.
Thanks for reading.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
So many useful responses. I just want to quickly add mine. I've not finished reading the whole thread.
If you are ever in a situation where you think a guy you are with is having difficulty "trying to get away" from his ex, he is cheating on her and you are the other woman. I hate to be blunt, but from her perspective, this is what is happening. It is more than likely that he was, for whatever reason, still involved with her in some way -- maybe they were still fighting about something, maybe they were still seeing each other for some reason... maybe he has even said to her, "yes, I cheated with Everhopefulyet but I can't get away from her, even though she is overseas... because blah blah blah." They were still enmeshed with each other. It is likely that even if he had not had a relapse (assuming he was clean at all), your relationship may not have survived because he had not really "left" his ex. I've read so many threads on SR where an addict keeps two women going at the same time because he wants a "back-up plan" in case his life goes balls up, and it usually does. I don't know the full situation... but I just want to put this out there, just so you can consider that this guy is really not who you thought he was.
My ex also didn't have many sober friends. So he ditched them, then he decided that he would be "clean", but instead he secretly drugged for years. Meanwhile his drug-using friends cleaned-up their acts... and my ex kept using in secret -- this shocked even them, but they believed it. He also told me that he "experimented" with drugs when he was young, "like all people." I no longer take those claims lightly. I don't know if I'm paranoid, but if someone tells me now that they have "experimented", I feel like they are telling me that they've worn the One Ring and I can expect them to leave Hobbiton at some point to go looking for it.
Did he really love you? Probably. He probably thought that he loved you. He probably thinks of love as... as a high you can get from coke and booze. It's heady, it's intoxicating, it spins you upside-down. What an addict can't do is complicated REAL love that needs real compromise, real respect for oneself and others, real responsibility for oneself and others. Real love is like a marathon. Addiction is like running very quickly in the same spot, never going anywhere, and then burning out.
Probably late in my response to say I'm sorry for what brings you here. There it is. I'm sorry you have to post here, but this is a safe place to post. I'm also glad that you quickly started to educate yourself on addiction. Think of the situation as a type of blessing (how obnoxious for me to say that), think of it as not as bad as it could have been. He's over there. You're not. You did not get married and then 30 years later, realize that he's been boozing and drugging your life savings away, and that he's been having affairs with other addicts... etc... etc. You are safe now. You did not realize it, but you were not safe before.
It will take time to heal. It takes longer to heal the longer you've been in the relationship. I was in mine for 10+ years. You are not always going to feel the same way about anything. Bear that in mind as you recover. Also remember that a lot of recovery is about your body. Eat, sleep, and exercise. Even if you hate exercise, start doing it. It will make things better. Try not to get involved with anyone else until you have done some work on yourself (jerks tend to be able to sniff out weaknesses to take advantage of).
Take care of you. Welcome to SR.
If you are ever in a situation where you think a guy you are with is having difficulty "trying to get away" from his ex, he is cheating on her and you are the other woman. I hate to be blunt, but from her perspective, this is what is happening. It is more than likely that he was, for whatever reason, still involved with her in some way -- maybe they were still fighting about something, maybe they were still seeing each other for some reason... maybe he has even said to her, "yes, I cheated with Everhopefulyet but I can't get away from her, even though she is overseas... because blah blah blah." They were still enmeshed with each other. It is likely that even if he had not had a relapse (assuming he was clean at all), your relationship may not have survived because he had not really "left" his ex. I've read so many threads on SR where an addict keeps two women going at the same time because he wants a "back-up plan" in case his life goes balls up, and it usually does. I don't know the full situation... but I just want to put this out there, just so you can consider that this guy is really not who you thought he was.
My ex also didn't have many sober friends. So he ditched them, then he decided that he would be "clean", but instead he secretly drugged for years. Meanwhile his drug-using friends cleaned-up their acts... and my ex kept using in secret -- this shocked even them, but they believed it. He also told me that he "experimented" with drugs when he was young, "like all people." I no longer take those claims lightly. I don't know if I'm paranoid, but if someone tells me now that they have "experimented", I feel like they are telling me that they've worn the One Ring and I can expect them to leave Hobbiton at some point to go looking for it.
Did he really love you? Probably. He probably thought that he loved you. He probably thinks of love as... as a high you can get from coke and booze. It's heady, it's intoxicating, it spins you upside-down. What an addict can't do is complicated REAL love that needs real compromise, real respect for oneself and others, real responsibility for oneself and others. Real love is like a marathon. Addiction is like running very quickly in the same spot, never going anywhere, and then burning out.
Probably late in my response to say I'm sorry for what brings you here. There it is. I'm sorry you have to post here, but this is a safe place to post. I'm also glad that you quickly started to educate yourself on addiction. Think of the situation as a type of blessing (how obnoxious for me to say that), think of it as not as bad as it could have been. He's over there. You're not. You did not get married and then 30 years later, realize that he's been boozing and drugging your life savings away, and that he's been having affairs with other addicts... etc... etc. You are safe now. You did not realize it, but you were not safe before.
It will take time to heal. It takes longer to heal the longer you've been in the relationship. I was in mine for 10+ years. You are not always going to feel the same way about anything. Bear that in mind as you recover. Also remember that a lot of recovery is about your body. Eat, sleep, and exercise. Even if you hate exercise, start doing it. It will make things better. Try not to get involved with anyone else until you have done some work on yourself (jerks tend to be able to sniff out weaknesses to take advantage of).
Take care of you. Welcome to SR.
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