Long distance BF nearly OD's and went back to ex GF
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 15
Long distance BF nearly OD's and went back to ex GF
So gutted and grateful you all are here.
I've been in a long distance relationship with my UK boyfriend/fiance for eighteen months, I'm in the US. He's 39, I'm 45.
Typical garden of Eden style courtship, I suppose, we visited each other in person every two or three months. We Face-Timed each other to sleep every night, spoke constantly throughout the day. We were filing paperwork to start the marriage visa, I'd met his very estranged family and friends and everything seemed great other than the physical loneliness that would be over soon despite the hardship.
Around seven months ago his sister gossiped with his ex-girlfriend and the ex went BALLISTIC, they'd been broken up for two years. They lived together from 2014-2016 with her daughter from a previous relationship.
The stalking and harassment began in earnest late summer last year. She sent photos of us having dinner together, sent hundreds of vile texts and phone calls - several hundred a day. She is an alcoholic. She would show up on his porch, break windows, shriek, attack him in town, etc. *This woman has a pathological dysfunction of mythic proportions, this is why they broke in the first place*
I have blocked over 250 Facebook profiles threatening me. She harasses his family, shows up at his business, and terrorises his friends. Usually she brings her little daughter along. Police and civil action turns oh so slowly and the abuse escalates and we were going to consult appropriate solicitors etc. BF would insist we'd weather her storm, move away, he'd sell his business to his partner because we would never have peace.
Everything was absolutely normal until 13 days ago. Good morning calls, texts, I love you's - he'd bought a ticket for me to fly over, I'm supposed to leave in two weeks. So excited, making plans, the usual joy, Face Time to sleep as usual.
He went dark the next day. I freaked out, this was not normal. His friends are ringing me, asking where he is - his sober friends, they are far and few.
I ring hospitals, call and text constantly, nothing for nearly a week. His family is only mildly concerned, saying he'd done this before and he'll be back (what, that's mad). I'm panicking and begging them to file a missing persons report.
His ex is just as frantic, demanding I tell her where he is. I don't know. Finally she sends me a message that he killed himself and it's all my fault. He should have been with her where "He belongs".
I call the police for a wellness check. Nobody home. One by one his friends tire of my asking his whereabouts and simply stop responding.
Days later one of them give up the info out of pity. My BF had overdosed on cocaine and scotch and nearly died in hospital a hundred miles from his city. I was not informed. And he was released to his "civil partner" - his abusive, alcoholic ex. I receive a gloating message that I am history, get it through my head, never contact them again.
He would not pick up his mobile. I thought his phone was dead. Instead I was blocked. I bought a UK number and he picked up - only for him to put the phone down. He will not respond to calls or messages and blocked me everywhere he could.
From excited bliss to crushed soul over thirteen days. I had no idea he had a drug and alcohol problem. I know it sounds naive. I was then informed that the ex currently has a love for scotch and coke. I want to throw up.
I imagine they're back to using together. The harassment of me has fallen silent, his friends have fallen silent, his family is silent, and of course so is he.
He told his friend that our relationship stressed him due to his ex's harassment. Her little girl now calls him Daddy per her mummy's request. He has not reported to work in nearly three weeks. His flat lies empty. No one wants to deal with me.
I'm naive, I'm gutted, and I hate myself for failing to see the situation. How does one recover? My emotions are all over the place and I cannot take this horrific pain.
Thank you for listening, I'm as desperate and pathetic as his ex says. I should be glad to have dodged a bullet. He will not survive long under this woman's thumb, his family and friends have long said she was a violent alcoholic with profound mental issues.
As for he and I, I never saw a thing. I never suspected a thing. In my naivete I fell madly in love and and he's relapsed (or had been using) nearly to the point of death. His ex tortured me for months with vile calls and texts that never seemed to ease (as she did him). And now he's back with her and I'm left in pieces.
Thank you for reading, I'm sorry this is long. I feel so stupid I can't tell anyone the whole story.
How bad was I that nearly dying and going back to a psycho looked appealing? Please help, I cannot function.
I've been in a long distance relationship with my UK boyfriend/fiance for eighteen months, I'm in the US. He's 39, I'm 45.
Typical garden of Eden style courtship, I suppose, we visited each other in person every two or three months. We Face-Timed each other to sleep every night, spoke constantly throughout the day. We were filing paperwork to start the marriage visa, I'd met his very estranged family and friends and everything seemed great other than the physical loneliness that would be over soon despite the hardship.
Around seven months ago his sister gossiped with his ex-girlfriend and the ex went BALLISTIC, they'd been broken up for two years. They lived together from 2014-2016 with her daughter from a previous relationship.
The stalking and harassment began in earnest late summer last year. She sent photos of us having dinner together, sent hundreds of vile texts and phone calls - several hundred a day. She is an alcoholic. She would show up on his porch, break windows, shriek, attack him in town, etc. *This woman has a pathological dysfunction of mythic proportions, this is why they broke in the first place*
I have blocked over 250 Facebook profiles threatening me. She harasses his family, shows up at his business, and terrorises his friends. Usually she brings her little daughter along. Police and civil action turns oh so slowly and the abuse escalates and we were going to consult appropriate solicitors etc. BF would insist we'd weather her storm, move away, he'd sell his business to his partner because we would never have peace.
Everything was absolutely normal until 13 days ago. Good morning calls, texts, I love you's - he'd bought a ticket for me to fly over, I'm supposed to leave in two weeks. So excited, making plans, the usual joy, Face Time to sleep as usual.
He went dark the next day. I freaked out, this was not normal. His friends are ringing me, asking where he is - his sober friends, they are far and few.
I ring hospitals, call and text constantly, nothing for nearly a week. His family is only mildly concerned, saying he'd done this before and he'll be back (what, that's mad). I'm panicking and begging them to file a missing persons report.
His ex is just as frantic, demanding I tell her where he is. I don't know. Finally she sends me a message that he killed himself and it's all my fault. He should have been with her where "He belongs".
I call the police for a wellness check. Nobody home. One by one his friends tire of my asking his whereabouts and simply stop responding.
Days later one of them give up the info out of pity. My BF had overdosed on cocaine and scotch and nearly died in hospital a hundred miles from his city. I was not informed. And he was released to his "civil partner" - his abusive, alcoholic ex. I receive a gloating message that I am history, get it through my head, never contact them again.
He would not pick up his mobile. I thought his phone was dead. Instead I was blocked. I bought a UK number and he picked up - only for him to put the phone down. He will not respond to calls or messages and blocked me everywhere he could.
From excited bliss to crushed soul over thirteen days. I had no idea he had a drug and alcohol problem. I know it sounds naive. I was then informed that the ex currently has a love for scotch and coke. I want to throw up.
I imagine they're back to using together. The harassment of me has fallen silent, his friends have fallen silent, his family is silent, and of course so is he.
He told his friend that our relationship stressed him due to his ex's harassment. Her little girl now calls him Daddy per her mummy's request. He has not reported to work in nearly three weeks. His flat lies empty. No one wants to deal with me.
I'm naive, I'm gutted, and I hate myself for failing to see the situation. How does one recover? My emotions are all over the place and I cannot take this horrific pain.
Thank you for listening, I'm as desperate and pathetic as his ex says. I should be glad to have dodged a bullet. He will not survive long under this woman's thumb, his family and friends have long said she was a violent alcoholic with profound mental issues.
As for he and I, I never saw a thing. I never suspected a thing. In my naivete I fell madly in love and and he's relapsed (or had been using) nearly to the point of death. His ex tortured me for months with vile calls and texts that never seemed to ease (as she did him). And now he's back with her and I'm left in pieces.
Thank you for reading, I'm sorry this is long. I feel so stupid I can't tell anyone the whole story.
How bad was I that nearly dying and going back to a psycho looked appealing? Please help, I cannot function.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I am so sorry for the pain you must be going through.
You may not understand this but you may have dodged a bullet if he drinks and uses drugs. Long distant romances make it easier to conceal faults but at least this happened before you relocated thousands of miles away.
Don't beat yourself up for being fooled. Drugs have fooled most of us here.
Hugs
You may not understand this but you may have dodged a bullet if he drinks and uses drugs. Long distant romances make it easier to conceal faults but at least this happened before you relocated thousands of miles away.
Don't beat yourself up for being fooled. Drugs have fooled most of us here.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
I'm glad you found this forum, but sad for your utter pain and hurt this has caused you. You know you've likely dodged a bullet, but right now that thought may not be too comforting....So, I'm sending you a big cyber hug and hope that helps a little.
I've been in a similar situation as yours, having to deal with psycho ex's splitting me and a boyfriend up. It's not fun, not fun at all....but I knew I had to get away from him and the psycho ex...even though later he didn't stay with her after all. She was a piece of work, that one...
While he was with you he probably complained about her. Now that he is with her he is likely going to go through hell. Let them do all the scotch and coke together....it has a bad ending....it ain't pretty, and I feel sorry for that little girl. Try and cleanse yourself of what you've had to deal with and maybe try to do things that are cathartic for you.....Hope this helps. You're among good souls here...
I've been in a similar situation as yours, having to deal with psycho ex's splitting me and a boyfriend up. It's not fun, not fun at all....but I knew I had to get away from him and the psycho ex...even though later he didn't stay with her after all. She was a piece of work, that one...
While he was with you he probably complained about her. Now that he is with her he is likely going to go through hell. Let them do all the scotch and coke together....it has a bad ending....it ain't pretty, and I feel sorry for that little girl. Try and cleanse yourself of what you've had to deal with and maybe try to do things that are cathartic for you.....Hope this helps. You're among good souls here...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,609
Originally Posted by EverHopefulYet 
How bad was I that nearly dying and going back to a psycho looked appealing? Please help, I cannot function.
So sorry for what brings you here.
I wanted to respond to what you said above. I know it's natural to look at yourself and think somehow you came up short or you are somehow unworthy. Please know that's just not true.
You probably know next to nothing about addiction (and why would you!) so this must be very confusing.
He was either in recovery and has now slipped in to addiction or he was using all along. Either way the draw was obviously too much for him. What he chose in this case was drugs, over everything.
Addicts chose their drugs over family, children, friends, work - life.
It has nothing to do with you personally so please don't think that.
Please take some time to read the stickies at the top of the forum and read around. In particular you might find the family and friends of alcoholics forum helpful: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
Hi EHY
I read your story & feel very badly for what you are going through.
While your story is unique, unfortunately I know first hand how awful you must feel. I have my own ugly drug addiction relationship story.
Obviously you have much to work through & feelings to sort out. I know it wont be easy. It will be hard to see at first, but there is hope for you in this dark time.
Addiction to hard drugs is extremely destructive. You've seen it first hand. Our lives often get turned completely upside down. Nothing makes any sense.
I want you to know that you are not alone. You have come to a good safe place on SR. Many here have experienced your pain & suffering. You can find answers to questions which you will never get from your addict or his family & friends. Sometimes those answers aren't easy to hear but they are truthful answers.
I hope you find peace in this most troubled time in your life.
I read your story & feel very badly for what you are going through.
While your story is unique, unfortunately I know first hand how awful you must feel. I have my own ugly drug addiction relationship story.
Obviously you have much to work through & feelings to sort out. I know it wont be easy. It will be hard to see at first, but there is hope for you in this dark time.
Addiction to hard drugs is extremely destructive. You've seen it first hand. Our lives often get turned completely upside down. Nothing makes any sense.
I want you to know that you are not alone. You have come to a good safe place on SR. Many here have experienced your pain & suffering. You can find answers to questions which you will never get from your addict or his family & friends. Sometimes those answers aren't easy to hear but they are truthful answers.
I hope you find peace in this most troubled time in your life.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Hi and welcome sorry for what has brought you here, ending are painful and take time to heal.
His drugging/drinking and erratic behavior and attraction to go back to his psycho ex has nothing at all to do with you or is about you. He has issues, drug/alcohol and relationship issues that were there before you came along and will probably be there long after you have healed and moved on.
It’s easy for an addict to hide their use especially when they are involved with someone long distance. You can’t smell booze over the phone or via skype. If you’ve been in a relationship with him for 18 months but only saw each other for shorts bursts of time every few months then really you’ve only spend what maybe 6-8 times with him. Not really any way to truly gage someone’s true character and daily behaviors. Did you every have to send him any money or purchase him a ticket to travel to see you? Did he ever have an emergency come up where he needed you and your help with finances or anything?
As more time passes and you remain in no contact more things will become clearer to you and you will probably question a lot of things he said or did, things you were unable to see while so in lust mode.
How bad was I that nearly dying and going back to a psycho looked appealing? Please help, I cannot function.
It’s easy for an addict to hide their use especially when they are involved with someone long distance. You can’t smell booze over the phone or via skype. If you’ve been in a relationship with him for 18 months but only saw each other for shorts bursts of time every few months then really you’ve only spend what maybe 6-8 times with him. Not really any way to truly gage someone’s true character and daily behaviors. Did you every have to send him any money or purchase him a ticket to travel to see you? Did he ever have an emergency come up where he needed you and your help with finances or anything?
As more time passes and you remain in no contact more things will become clearer to you and you will probably question a lot of things he said or did, things you were unable to see while so in lust mode.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 15
No, I never saw any lack of funds or weird mood swings or any oddities that would lead me to think anything was off. He never seemed to use during the visits (around two weeks long) and I didn't see any withdrawal signs.
I'm so confused.
He never asked me for money, we split everything 50/50ish.
I'm so confused.
He never asked me for money, we split everything 50/50ish.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,609
Two things you posted stand out as red flags:
His ex may be mad and a drug addict but she is also his former girlfriend so there is some connection to drugs there.
What did he tell you about his past drug use?
his sober friends, they are far and few.
His family is only mildly concerned, saying he'd done this before and he'll be back (what, that's mad).
What did he tell you about his past drug use?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 15
Past drug use mentioned was "experimentation" when he was a young adult, he mentioned being wary of people he knew that made regular use of hard drugs.
His sober friends recommended that people he knew through his ex but had mentioned were better off not being asked anything because they were "dodgy".
So many flat out lies and omissions, I've written them all down as a list I keep in my pocketbook to remind me when I'm particularly low.
His sober friends recommended that people he knew through his ex but had mentioned were better off not being asked anything because they were "dodgy".
So many flat out lies and omissions, I've written them all down as a list I keep in my pocketbook to remind me when I'm particularly low.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
Be thankful that he showed you who he really is before getting married & him moving to the US or god forbid you moved to the UK.
Also be thankful that the two addict crazies live in another country. You at least don't have to worry about either of them physically showing up.
If you haven't done so please consider blocking everything possible so none
of these people can ever contact you again.
Also be thankful that the two addict crazies live in another country. You at least don't have to worry about either of them physically showing up.
If you haven't done so please consider blocking everything possible so none
of these people can ever contact you again.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,609
Originally Posted by EverHopefulYet
Past drug use mentioned was "experimentation" when he was a young adult, he mentioned being wary of people he knew that made regular use of hard drugs.
His sober friends recommended that people he knew through his ex but had mentioned were better off not being asked anything because they were "dodgy".
So many flat out lies and omissions, I've written them all down as a list I keep in my pocketbook to remind me when I'm particularly low.
His sober friends recommended that people he knew through his ex but had mentioned were better off not being asked anything because they were "dodgy".
So many flat out lies and omissions, I've written them all down as a list I keep in my pocketbook to remind me when I'm particularly low.
How are you holding up? Do you have a support system of any type? Don't hesitate to post here at SR, great group of people here for support.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
So many flat out lies and omissions, I've written them all down as a list I keep in my pocketbook to remind me when I'm particularly low.
Many people here have experienced the hurt and pain and confusion you are feeling. Addicts don't play fair and they like to change the rules in life as they go.
I hope you keep posting and reaching out while you come to terms with this experience.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 15
I've turned off all incoming calls and had my voicemail shut down. I have not heard anything off them, however, they must be pleased with the outcome.
I'm trying to turn off my love and concern for him and will save my compassion for others hurting. I hope he has detox followup or whatnot and is not using, but I doubt it. He will be before long by his own choice.
Have purchased a virtual stack of self help books about addiction, co dependency and grief recovery. Last night I fell asleep reading doctoral papers about how long term drug use changes the brain's chemistry and ability to foresee loss, consequences and emotional regulation.
There is a lot to take in. Still heartsick and not functioning, I may require professional help and I see no shame in this. I keep turning the situation over in my head looking for patterns and I see none but my own accountability for not asking hard questions.
I am grateful to you all for your replies, it adds steel to the spine for the journey ahead and I appreciate it more than I could possibly express. I have no notion what self care is and my body is reacting rather violently, going minute by minute.
Yes, I will keep posting, thank you.
I'm trying to turn off my love and concern for him and will save my compassion for others hurting. I hope he has detox followup or whatnot and is not using, but I doubt it. He will be before long by his own choice.
Have purchased a virtual stack of self help books about addiction, co dependency and grief recovery. Last night I fell asleep reading doctoral papers about how long term drug use changes the brain's chemistry and ability to foresee loss, consequences and emotional regulation.
There is a lot to take in. Still heartsick and not functioning, I may require professional help and I see no shame in this. I keep turning the situation over in my head looking for patterns and I see none but my own accountability for not asking hard questions.
I am grateful to you all for your replies, it adds steel to the spine for the journey ahead and I appreciate it more than I could possibly express. I have no notion what self care is and my body is reacting rather violently, going minute by minute.
Yes, I will keep posting, thank you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 15
My greatest difficulty is wondering if he was ever genuine or merely a chuckle for his highs. They say addicts cannot love sincerely, make poor emotional choices and the drugs will always come first. I cannot believe his overdose was from something he was unfamiliar with.
I keep looking for signs that would have set me off. For example, I never saw anything odd when I unpacked his things from luggage unasked, hadn't stumbled into any stashes in his home and vehicle or used his mobile when my battery went out. There had to be something somewhere.
If he was a regular user, surely there would have been mood swings, headaches, nausea, insomnia etc that would have showed up while he was sober for weeks at a time.
I keep looking for signs that would have set me off. For example, I never saw anything odd when I unpacked his things from luggage unasked, hadn't stumbled into any stashes in his home and vehicle or used his mobile when my battery went out. There had to be something somewhere.
If he was a regular user, surely there would have been mood swings, headaches, nausea, insomnia etc that would have showed up while he was sober for weeks at a time.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
EverHopeful,
It's possible that he actually was clean and sober for while...so that is the person you were with. Then it's possible he had a relapse which then led to his OD.
At any rate, you've been hit with a "double whammy" in that not only was his drug/drink use brought to your attention, but he went back the his ex. All your hopes and dreams went out the window suddenly and you were left holding the bag....that is like getting bit by a viper.
I know you don't feel like you're functioning very well right now...but just try to do something, anything that is self care....a long shower, a manicure, pedicure, and walk in the fresh air...or just read a good book...Sending you a hug.
It's possible that he actually was clean and sober for while...so that is the person you were with. Then it's possible he had a relapse which then led to his OD.
At any rate, you've been hit with a "double whammy" in that not only was his drug/drink use brought to your attention, but he went back the his ex. All your hopes and dreams went out the window suddenly and you were left holding the bag....that is like getting bit by a viper.
I know you don't feel like you're functioning very well right now...but just try to do something, anything that is self care....a long shower, a manicure, pedicure, and walk in the fresh air...or just read a good book...Sending you a hug.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
I will just add that in my opinion long distance relationships are sort of doomed. I think in order to have a good relationship you need to be there. And, facetime, texting, etc. just doesn't make up for actually be apart. Long distance relationships [to me anyways] are like "virtual" relationships.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by teatreeoil007
I will just add that in my opinion long distance relationships are sort of doomed. I think in order to have a good relationship you need to be there. And, facetime, texting, etc. just doesn't make up for actually be apart. Long distance relationships [to me anyways] are like "virtual" relationships.
For today I will throw myself into my job and home putting things in order, the disarray is daunting but I'll get through it bit by bit. I'll be putting things of our history together in a box for the back of the closet for now.
You know, I wouldn't mind a hair cut and a bubble bath, thank you for the (((hug)))
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
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Everhopeful,
Can you clarify something? So, you live in the US and he lives in the UK and you were going to move to that UK to be with him? How did the two of you meet? Don't answer those questions if you don't feel like it.
Back to self care for you: You sort of need to "reclaim" yourself here. I've been in your shoes, back when I was just 20 years old and VERY naive...I was so in love with my boyfriend back then and didn't even know he had another girlfriend he was trying to break free from. SHE ambushed me one day and introduced herself as the girlfriend and threatened to commit suicide if I stayed in the picture. She had been stalking me so she knew when one of my classes got out...and she approached me on campus....
That was a very troubling time in my life, but you know what? I eventually managed to go on, to reclaim myself without the boyfriend
and I distinctly remember giving myself plenty of self care and doing things that had always brought me joy. I spent Christmas alone that year too...but you know what...I dug deeper into things I could ALWAYS bank on: My faith, my music, fitness, being active and my studies.
I recovered myself...you can too...tell yourself that....hugs
Can you clarify something? So, you live in the US and he lives in the UK and you were going to move to that UK to be with him? How did the two of you meet? Don't answer those questions if you don't feel like it.
Back to self care for you: You sort of need to "reclaim" yourself here. I've been in your shoes, back when I was just 20 years old and VERY naive...I was so in love with my boyfriend back then and didn't even know he had another girlfriend he was trying to break free from. SHE ambushed me one day and introduced herself as the girlfriend and threatened to commit suicide if I stayed in the picture. She had been stalking me so she knew when one of my classes got out...and she approached me on campus....
That was a very troubling time in my life, but you know what? I eventually managed to go on, to reclaim myself without the boyfriend
and I distinctly remember giving myself plenty of self care and doing things that had always brought me joy. I spent Christmas alone that year too...but you know what...I dug deeper into things I could ALWAYS bank on: My faith, my music, fitness, being active and my studies.
I recovered myself...you can too...tell yourself that....hugs
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Also, consider this.
One of the most critical times for an OD to happen are after a long period of clean time. Why? Because when they start using again they think they can take as much of the drug as they did the last time they used....but since they've been clean, they really can't handle that much.
I will add that he likely genuinely loved you...that is why the ex was so ballistic about your relationship. She saw that he loved you or heard he loved you .... and she couldn't handle hearing that he moved on to someone new. If you were no threat maybe she wouldn't have acted that way...Anyway it sounds like an awful lot of drama...best to stay far away from it...you will heal in time.
One of the most critical times for an OD to happen are after a long period of clean time. Why? Because when they start using again they think they can take as much of the drug as they did the last time they used....but since they've been clean, they really can't handle that much.
I will add that he likely genuinely loved you...that is why the ex was so ballistic about your relationship. She saw that he loved you or heard he loved you .... and she couldn't handle hearing that he moved on to someone new. If you were no threat maybe she wouldn't have acted that way...Anyway it sounds like an awful lot of drama...best to stay far away from it...you will heal in time.
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