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What keeps you strong.

Old 03-05-2018, 07:15 PM
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What keeps you strong.

I have gained so much from this forum and the input from so many people, I wondered if any of you would like to say a word or two about what keeps (kept) you strong when you finally started setting boundaries.

I just set a big one with my addict and I am resolved to stay strong, so I'm thinking a little advice might help me if/when the going gets tough.

I am starting with - Treat her like you would any other adult.
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Old 03-06-2018, 04:06 AM
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I am starting with - Treat her like you would any other adult.
That's an excellent start. Many times the question is asked here.."If anyone else treated you like that, would you accept it?" There is a lot of clarity in that question.

What kept me strong at the beginning of my recovery was group support, here and at live meetings, and working a 12 step program that helped me rebuild my life and whose concepts I still apply to my life today, even though my addicted son has been gone for over 10 years.

What keeps me strong today is faith, prayer and meditation and a lot of time spent in nature. Nature is where I find my peace and spiritual connection. It reminds me that life really is beautiful and uncomplicated, if I stay on the good path of recovery and peace.

Good thread, Troubledone. I hope many will respond.
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Old 03-06-2018, 05:42 AM
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I think what helped me was realizing that my "over-giving" and putting up with things
I would not accept from any other person in the name of love, was actually both harmful and disrespectful of the addict.

By this I mean I wasn't giving them the dignity of choosing for themselves,
but instead trying to impose my idea of "right action" on them like I was their parent.

By rescuing and fixing, I was confusing the issue of their addiction and its natural consequences.

By stepping back and taking care of me, I was helping both of us.
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Old 03-06-2018, 10:42 AM
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What has kept me strong in dealing with my wife's addiction was that it was not my circus and not my monkey. I have control over me and if i want to leave the show at any time for any reason, that is my choice...
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Old 03-06-2018, 10:46 AM
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I'd have cracked long ago if it weren't for my... sense of humor...

Really, as terrible as these past few years have been, I can't help but laugh at the absurdity of it all... when I'm not down on my knees crying to Jesus.
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Old 03-06-2018, 07:21 PM
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Hechosedrugs -

Amen!!!!
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Old 03-07-2018, 03:39 AM
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Like Hechosedrugs mentioned, faith and a sense of humour saw me far in the dark days of early recovery.

Acceptance was a biggie with me too. "Accept the things I cannot change" became my mantra. Once I accepted that I was not able to save my son from himself and his poor choices, I could focus on saving myself through my own recovery and finding support.
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Old 03-07-2018, 06:57 AM
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Originally Posted by Troubledone View Post
I have gained so much from this forum and the input from so many people, I wondered if any of you would like to say a word or two about what keeps (kept) you strong when you finally started setting boundaries.

I just set a big one with my addict and I am resolved to stay strong, so I'm thinking a little advice might help me if/when the going gets tough.

I am starting with - Treat her like you would any other adult.
Well...in my situation, the addict in my life left me AFTER I started enforcing some boundaries. She didn't care for that at all, so she hooked up with someone who would indulge her.

The thing is before I started enforcing those boundaries, I was driving myself nuts trying to keep us and our relationship on some kind of even keel. What I figured out was that's impossible, because the addict is operating by their own set of rules which is often orthogonal to what the rest of us operate by. Once I accepted there was literally nothing I could do to modulate her behavior, I felt liberated. I was especially liberated after she took off.

So many people come here and believe they don't have options when it comes to dealing with someone else's addiction. That's simply untrue. There are options. It's just a question of what price you're willing to pay to regain and keep your sanity. And I can tell you that that price is better than the price you're already paying trying to deal with an addict's stuff.
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Old 03-07-2018, 07:12 AM
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Originally Posted by zoso77 View Post
So many people come here and believe they don't have options when it comes to dealing with someone else's addiction. That's simply untrue. There are options. It's just a question of what price you're willing to pay to regain and keep your sanity. And I can tell you that that price is better than the price you're already paying trying to deal with an addict's stuff.
Amen, Zoso! Pure truth!
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Old 03-07-2018, 09:33 AM
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I think your first boundary is a great one! It will be hard at times because we become conditioned, and our line in the sand for that person just keeps getting pushed.

For myself, being involved in other things to keep me distracted helped immensely. I have two busy children, so that helped. However, I also joined groups, went to Celebrate Recovery, and reached out to family and friends. Not just for support, but also for accountability for myself. And I used the fine people here at SR for the same thing.

Big hugs, you are doing great!
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Old 03-07-2018, 10:17 AM
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For me I have found strength & peace from the following:

Acceptance & understanding the simple concept that she is what she is & has been that way for a long period of time.

Over the past several months I am believing more & more in the notion of God's (HP) will be done. I clearly don't know (never knew) what's best for her - hopefully God does.
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Old 03-07-2018, 10:30 AM
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After pouring over the threads and stickies here, among other things, I learned to simply except that, as an adult, my AH has the right to make his own choices.

And, then I made an active choice to respect his right to choose and, then, not to act or say things in a passive aggressive manner.

It wasn't easy at the beginning, but, finally, it is starting to be my default. The constant conflict, defensive positions, and mistrust from both sides has eased up in a major way and I would even say I feel at peace in my marriage.

As a bonus, I have found this mindset helps me in other relationships in my life.

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Old 03-13-2018, 10:13 PM
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I seem to gain strength by helping others; oddly enough. You'd think the more you give the less you have, right? But it somehow works out it turns into something else. I'm not suggested giving or helping if it's a type of situation that would be foolhardy. Use good sense, of course. But by helping others we do often help ourselves and the one's we help can also end up helping us too.

There are times, though, that I just need some time alone; some down time....some peace and quiet and rest.
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