After pouring over the threads and stickies here, among other things, I learned to simply except that, as an adult, my AH has the right to make his own choices.
And, then I made an active choice to respect his right to choose and, then, not to act or say things in a passive aggressive manner.
It wasn't easy at the beginning, but, finally, it is starting to be my default. The constant conflict, defensive positions, and mistrust from both sides has eased up in a major way and I would even say I feel at peace in my marriage.
As a bonus, I have found this mindset helps me in other relationships in my life.
