Nata1980

And that, my little children, is the truth!

Anvil wins this thread.

I, too, had some happy times with my qualifier. Now, looking back, I see it for what it is - as it was, unfortunately, very shallow.

Sarahas

I know a relationship can’t work...I know that. I was expressing my feelings towards him and was wondering what his could be.

OpheliaKatz

Unfortunately, he probably spends most of his time thinking about his next fix. I can tell you that with my addict, this was the case, and his "love" for other things were merely performative. He was too miserable when he wasn't using to be able to feel love... all he felt was agony.

Soulful

This and also, they love in their own way. They look at you and tell you they love you and then when you walk away, they go back on the computer and continue talking about where they can find their drugs at a much cheaper price. They spend hours negotiating the type of drug, the cut, the quality and the price. They are very satisfied when they finally find a good dealer that can give them what they need.

Then they talk to their drug friends about how they need to get crazy sometimes because it's like jail at home and how they hoped their wives are more cool and more understanding. Then you walk back into the room and they rapidly delete that conversation so you don't see it.

sotnos

My ex agf exhibited a kind of bi polar love. When in a calm mood she expressed her “love” for me but then in her addictive state, her actions didn’t match her words. Then she would apologize for her actions afterwards. Very Jeckyl and Hyde ish. I believe that when they are too overwhelmed with their self loathing, pity and stinking-thinking, they cannot love. But in their rare moments of calmness, they do love...but it’s fleeting. That’s why it’s tortuous for us “normies”.

BiscuitsNGravy

I'll say...I do truly and whole-heartedly believe that my husband "loves" me.

HOWEVER.

He is only capable of loving me but so much. He loves crack more...way more. And then, after crack, he loves himself. And then, after that, he loves me.

So...I believe my husband loves me as much as HE is capable of loving me, but I do believe that he does love me...in his own way. It just isn't the same as love for the rest of us.

He has shown to me repeatedly that he loves crack more than he loves me. That is what is to be expected in ANY relationship with an addict. Don't be heartbroken by that. He has stolen from me, left me places, etc., chasing drugs.

Berrybean

Maybe it's time to consider if this is enough. For you. For the rest of your life.

Or are you willing to walk away so that you can start again and be in a more reciprocal relationship?

While you're willing to come third there is no need for him to change is there. This is working. For HIM. In that sense staying is enabling.

BB

nytepassion

I am a recovering addict and when I was in active addiction the only thing I loved was my drugs. I could feel an attachment to some people. I "loved" my druggie friends because we were on the same page.

I used people that loved me (my mom, boyfriends, family, friends...) I expected them to cater to all my wants and needs, to give me money without question when I asked for it. I felt like they were obligated to love me no matter what. I had no obligations to them.

But could I love? I'd say, No. My brain had been hijacked and my loyalty had been signed over to serve my master (addiction). I was to busy being an addict to give a rats arse about anything other then feeding the monster.

Passion

trailmix

Nytepassion,

I have to ask, why was that? Was it purely just that you were self-centered? Was it because you had a delusion that they "owed" you something or perhaps having pity on yourself because of your addiction?

What is the thought process there?

nytepassion

I believe it was because of all the fuss that was made over me. Everybody enabling me, doing everything for me, not letting me suffer the consequences, but jumping in and rescuing me. It gave me the idea that I must be in some way special and that gave birth to an ugly monster that expected and demanded them to fawn and cater. Addiction is pure selfishness and drug addicts are opportunist we take advantage of those who care about us. Honestly the more I was permitted to walk all over those that loved me the more I felt contempt, anger and resentment toward them for allowing me to.

Passion

trailmix

Thank you for that. The "selfishness" aspect is often mentioned when it comes to addiction but I've never seen anyone get in to the "whys".

PeacefulWater12

Thank you for spelling this out so clearly. From my experience it is accurate. I am saying this as a recovering A and as spouse of active A.

Especially the contempt part for people who don't stand up to us/them. It becomes like a game, how far can these people be pushed before they say "no". How much can I keep demanding from them.

I needed to read this post today. Thank you.

OpheliaKatz

Nytepassion. Thank you for your honesty. People like you give me hope that recovery is possible.