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Not sure what to do, other than pray.

Old 04-27-2017, 03:35 PM
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Not sure what to do, other than pray.

Hi Friends, first let me say as a youth I had a major problem with addiction but have found faith. Though I drink occasionally, I still understand addiction because it is in my personality make up. But this is about one of my two boys he is age 34 and has been an addict of heroin and meth for quite awhile.

To the point his mother took him and his wife to court and took the children from him. This was absolutely the best thing for the children that she could have done. She has had them for about four years now and the children our doing very well.

My son has been in and out of rehab and I feel still has a problem though he says his tests are clean and has admitted to me in falling down about 3 times in the last 4 months. Though I'm not sure of this either because again it's based upon his word.

The problem that I'm asking about is the court order say nothing about visitation for him at all. And up too this point has been all about the good graces of his mother. Now I will say that she was a crappy mom but is a fantastic grandmother. And that was then and this is now.

The problem is that I do see some of the tactics she is using on my son are very similar to those that she used on me. Given that my current wife and I live in another State and she lives within about 5 miles of my son. I have little input because she is the one that must deal with him. Also my son is Bipolar so he can be very emotional but is on medication.

Since the beginning of the year she has not allowed him to speak on the phone nor see the kids at all they are ( 11, 8 and 6 years old).
She claims its because of his drug abuse, but to be honest I feel its that and she just does not feel like dealing with the crap that comes with a Bipolor person/drug addict.

He has now gone as far as filing for visitation but would be thrilled with even having phone calls and supervised visitation. Since filing she has refiled trying to get an extension. Something that was very common for her when we were battling for child custody (which I won).

Next week we will be coming down to visit everyone and by the way my ex wife and her husband and my wife we all get along fine and even dine at the house, with them (very gracious). She has also told me that since he has filed court papers she would not allow us to take the kids to see him (something she would have done). Based on the fact it would look bad in court for her to not allow him to see the kids, but then allow when we are down. Which I do believe is true I think if he had not filed she would have allowed it because (well we are the other grandparents).

I"m having a tough time with all of this because everything in side of me tells me of course my son has a drug issue. But complete denial of him ever seeing the kids. Will hurt him and them. I do understand slightly her part he has been very difficult for her to deal with. He is trying to show he is clean with drug tests ect ect. Any advice might be awesome.
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Old 04-27-2017, 09:44 PM
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Originally Posted by nxgn1 View Post
Hi Friends, first let me say as a youth I had a major problem with addiction but have found faith. Though I drink occasionally, I still understand addiction because it is in my personality make up. But this is about one of my two boys he is age 34 and has been an addict of heroin and meth for quite awhile.

To the point his mother took him and his wife to court and took the children from him. This was absolutely the best thing for the children that she could have done. She has had them for about four years now and the children our doing very well.

My son has been in and out of rehab and I feel still has a problem though he says his tests are clean and has admitted to me in falling down about 3 times in the last 4 months. Though I'm not sure of this either because again it's based upon his word.

The problem that I'm asking about is the court order say nothing about visitation for him at all. And up too this point has been all about the good graces of his mother. Now I will say that she was a crappy mom but is a fantastic grandmother. And that was then and this is now.

The problem is that I do see some of the tactics she is using on my son are very similar to those that she used on me. Given that my current wife and I live in another State and she lives within about 5 miles of my son. I have little input because she is the one that must deal with him. Also my son is Bipolar so he can be very emotional but is on medication.

Since the beginning of the year she has not allowed him to speak on the phone nor see the kids at all they are ( 11, 8 and 6 years old).
She claims its because of his drug abuse, but to be honest I feel its that and she just does not feel like dealing with the crap that comes with a Bipolor person/drug addict.

He has now gone as far as filing for visitation but would be thrilled with even having phone calls and supervised visitation. Since filing she has refiled trying to get an extension. Something that was very common for her when we were battling for child custody (which I won).

Next week we will be coming down to visit everyone and by the way my ex wife and her husband and my wife we all get along fine and even dine at the house, with them (very gracious). She has also told me that since he has filed court papers she would not allow us to take the kids to see him (something she would have done). Based on the fact it would look bad in court for her to not allow him to see the kids, but then allow when we are down. Which I do believe is true I think if he had not filed she would have allowed it because (well we are the other grandparents).

I"m having a tough time with all of this because everything in side of me tells me of course my son has a drug issue. But complete denial of him ever seeing the kids. Will hurt him and them. I do understand slightly her part he has been very difficult for her to deal with. He is trying to show he is clean with drug tests ect ect. Any advice might be awesome.
If he admits to using/relapsing 3 times in the last four months, he isn't taking his recovery very seriously. And as such isnt demonstrating that staying clean is a priority. He's had four years since he lost custody....and by rights "should" have about four years clean. But instead he's still using.

The kids are thriving. Why mess with that? If your son wants to be a presence in their lives he can sober up, deal with his bipolar and be a stable safe person that puts their well being first.
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Old 04-28-2017, 05:42 AM
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I agree with what Anvilhad said. He does not have long term sobriety and recovery and that puts the children in a bad place if they were to interact with him. The emotional disappointment alone is devastating to a child, when dad doesn't show up or gets arrested.

My son lost the rights to his son and also his daughter (by a different relationship). Both moms did this for the safety and well being of the children. I was not allowed to visit either because I was close to my son at the time (he has been missing, lost in his addiction somewhere for the past 10 years or more).

It broke my heart to lose my grandchildren, especially the boy who I knew well and had spent a lot of time with (the girl, I only saw once before her mother took her away). But as much as it hurt, I knew in my heart that the mothers had done the right thing and I took comfort that their children would not be hurt by addiction again.

I am sharing this so you can maybe understand that, as much as you love your son and want to see him happy, this is so much more than that and until and unless he can put together at least a year or more of complete sobriety and recovery then the mothers are doing the right thing to protect their children.

From this mama/grandma's heart to yours...hugs.
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Old 04-28-2017, 08:32 AM
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I am going to say something that will quite likely hurt you.

Your son falling down three times in a month is likely the tip of the ice berg. He is an active user of STRONG drugs, and bipolar to boot. That is a mix of toxicity for children. I understand he is your son, but THEIR wellbeing should be first. She deals with him, she has fought for, and won, and is now taking care of her grandchildren. Something I am sure she did not plan for in life.

I have children with an alcoholic who is addicted to RX drugs. It's chaos and has caused my children so much grief and anxiety. I think unless it's on their terms, and unless he is clean, he has no business being around the children. When you choose to bring children into this world, you become second, they are first, every single time.

Let him use this as a motivation to be clean, over the course of a long time. If not, he does not deserve any rights to the children.

That is my two cents. I say it gently b/c I realize this is your son and it hurts you to see what he is doing to himself, and to you. However, what it does to those children should always be first.
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