time4healing

My friend/boyfriend is a recovery heroin addict. He has been clean for 1 and 1/2 year. We have been in a relationship for almost 8 years. We split up a few months before he went to rehab to get clean. He was a couple months sober before we started talking again. He was the one who contacted me and told me how much he loved me and wanted to see me again. We have been seeing each other since. We agreed that it would be smart to take things slowly. Now that it has been over a year I am wondering how long I am supposed to wait to have more of a serious relationship with him. He has become distant lately and sometimes he won't answer my phone calls or text messages. He will usually get back to me within a day but it is difficult not to smother him. I am completely supportive of his recovery. He dedicates most of his time to recovery and goes to meetings almost everyday. When I confronted him about being distant he told me that he is "not ready to be a boyfriend right now." I asked him if he would ever be ready and he said he "didnt know why I was making a big deal out of it because he hangsout with me and he spends his time doing recovery stuff 24/7 and its just the way it is right now." I said does that mean you are going to be dating other people and he said "no he isn't seeing anybody, he does not want to see anybody."

We have had a long relationship and I was with him through 8 years of his addiction. I know that he cares about me he is just very distant and I feel very neglected and ignored just like I did when he was in his addiction. It just becomes very confusing. How long do I wait? How long should I be patient? What if he has decided he doesn't love me anymore now that he is sober? How do I know the difference between him just working on himself or he doesn't want me around

Whitewingeddove

I always knew my AS was likely using again when it started being difficult to reach him. Didn't answer calls, texts, etc, or would return them a day or more later. Despite the fact that whenever I saw him, he was glued to his phone......

Sometimes we need to pay attention to red flags like this. Not that they always mean they are actively using, but I started to see pre-relapse signs in my son after a while. Indicators that his head was not in recovery and if he wasn't using, he soon would be.

All that aside, even if you take the drugs out of the equation, would you want someone to treat you this way in a relationship "period"? Even if he IS still clean, that shouldn't get him a free pass where other actions don't matter. It sounds like you are really unhappy and this is a one sided relationship at this point. Please take care of you! HUGS!!

53500

time4 healing, it sounds like the relationship just is not mutual anymore. You want different things. You're not getting what you want from him so you feel sad and anxious.

I guess you can't and does it really matter? Whatever the reason, the result is you're not happy and he doesn't seem to care. If his behavior reminds you of when he was using - well that's often a sign he is, or soon will be.

I'm sorry, uncertainty is really awful. If I were you I'd stop waiting for him. The "come here, go away" thing is awful, I know, I lived with it too until I got fed up enough to stop.

hopeful4

When someone is in recovery for something this serious, it has to come first. He is right to have his recovery be his only big commitment right now. He is just not in the place you want him to be. However, for his own health and well being, it's excellent that he is putting his recovery first.

I am so sorry. Hugs to you.