Living in Limbo and Disillusionment
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Living in Limbo and Disillusionment
Hi all,
I've been lurking here for a little over a month, reading obsessively. I guess you all know how important this place is...it really has helped me keep my sanity at times. I apologize if this is a novel. I think I just have to get it out.
I've been with my husband for 5 years, married for almost 2. He was 3 years in recovery from crack addiction when we met. I don't know if I was just naive about what that meant or if he seemed to be so "recovered" that I felt okay about taking that risk. I mean, I didn't expect to fall in love with him necessarily...you know, you date people and most of the time it doesn't work out. He and I definitely worked out well. We fell hard for each other. You know how it goes...soul mates, a special kind of love, etc. My God but we've had some happy and beautiful times in our relationship. We bought a house a little over a year ago and all was fantastic until around November of last year. He started to withdraw from friends and family and from me. He said just winter depression (which I know he suffers from). So I figure we'll get through the winter and he'll be back to himself.
Wrong. He relapsed on crack at the end of February. He just didn't show up one night until late, and I naturally figured he was dead on the side of the road or in the hospital. Because that's the reason that one's husband normally doesn't come home for hours and hours, right? When he showed up like a walking zombie and told me that he was sorry and that he messed up, I was reeling. The next day he swore he'd never do it again. Two days later, he did the same thing. I was furious and terrified. I had told him from the beginning of our relationship that if he ever relapsed, we would be over. I can't live like that. I have two kids from a previous marriage and I won't raise my kids in that. I suck as an enabler (lol). So, we had another very serious talk where I explained that I would be here to support him getting back into recovery, but he couldn't live here and be an active addict. He said all the right things. He knows what he's dealing with. The following week, I knew he was smoking it at home. One more binge happened and I took the next day off work, changed the locks and packed him a suitcase and left it outside.
Oh man, that felt like reaching into my chest and ripping my own heart out. That was the hardest thing that I think I've ever done. You all know how this felt...the crying and pain and pure agony of it. I didn't know what else to do, though. Words hadn't mattered, love had no effect. He wound up staying with some good friends of ours for 2 1/2 weeks and slowly seemed to come back to himself. He moved back home a week and a half ago. Tomorrow will be 4 weeks clean. I asked what triggered this and he says a mix of winter depression, letting his recovery work lapse, maybe a midlife crisis and boredom. Boredom. That kills me. Boredom.
I hope he'll be okay and not relapse again. He says he doesn't think that he will, that he wants to work with his therapist on whatever it was in him that allowed that to happen. Maybe it being a short relapse helps. Have mercy though, he spent $2K in two weeks. If I ever lost my crap on a drug, it would have to be cheaper than that, lol. Regardless, he and I both have therapists now. This broke something in me. I know for a certainty that I won't live with him in active addiction and it devastates me to think that he could choose drugs over our lives together, over his child even. No way his ex would allow him to see his daughter if she knew. I feel like I was discarded. If I hadn't kicked him out, I don't think he would have stopped anytime soon. I don't feel like I'm that important to him anymore. All of my illusions about how magical our love was are gone. We're just two people. Yeah, we both love each other, but it's not special. It could crash and burn at any moment and I would become irrelevant compared to a drug. 8 years of recovery seemed safe, didn't it?
What if it happens again in 8 years? In 1? Next week? Tomorrow? Today? How do I ever relax again? How do I take our long term plans seriously ever again? We talk about things we'll do in years to come and my brain starts calculating how much I can take out of my 401k for a new place for me and the kids if this falls apart. I don't know how to live one day at a time.
I've been lurking here for a little over a month, reading obsessively. I guess you all know how important this place is...it really has helped me keep my sanity at times. I apologize if this is a novel. I think I just have to get it out.
I've been with my husband for 5 years, married for almost 2. He was 3 years in recovery from crack addiction when we met. I don't know if I was just naive about what that meant or if he seemed to be so "recovered" that I felt okay about taking that risk. I mean, I didn't expect to fall in love with him necessarily...you know, you date people and most of the time it doesn't work out. He and I definitely worked out well. We fell hard for each other. You know how it goes...soul mates, a special kind of love, etc. My God but we've had some happy and beautiful times in our relationship. We bought a house a little over a year ago and all was fantastic until around November of last year. He started to withdraw from friends and family and from me. He said just winter depression (which I know he suffers from). So I figure we'll get through the winter and he'll be back to himself.
Wrong. He relapsed on crack at the end of February. He just didn't show up one night until late, and I naturally figured he was dead on the side of the road or in the hospital. Because that's the reason that one's husband normally doesn't come home for hours and hours, right? When he showed up like a walking zombie and told me that he was sorry and that he messed up, I was reeling. The next day he swore he'd never do it again. Two days later, he did the same thing. I was furious and terrified. I had told him from the beginning of our relationship that if he ever relapsed, we would be over. I can't live like that. I have two kids from a previous marriage and I won't raise my kids in that. I suck as an enabler (lol). So, we had another very serious talk where I explained that I would be here to support him getting back into recovery, but he couldn't live here and be an active addict. He said all the right things. He knows what he's dealing with. The following week, I knew he was smoking it at home. One more binge happened and I took the next day off work, changed the locks and packed him a suitcase and left it outside.
Oh man, that felt like reaching into my chest and ripping my own heart out. That was the hardest thing that I think I've ever done. You all know how this felt...the crying and pain and pure agony of it. I didn't know what else to do, though. Words hadn't mattered, love had no effect. He wound up staying with some good friends of ours for 2 1/2 weeks and slowly seemed to come back to himself. He moved back home a week and a half ago. Tomorrow will be 4 weeks clean. I asked what triggered this and he says a mix of winter depression, letting his recovery work lapse, maybe a midlife crisis and boredom. Boredom. That kills me. Boredom.
I hope he'll be okay and not relapse again. He says he doesn't think that he will, that he wants to work with his therapist on whatever it was in him that allowed that to happen. Maybe it being a short relapse helps. Have mercy though, he spent $2K in two weeks. If I ever lost my crap on a drug, it would have to be cheaper than that, lol. Regardless, he and I both have therapists now. This broke something in me. I know for a certainty that I won't live with him in active addiction and it devastates me to think that he could choose drugs over our lives together, over his child even. No way his ex would allow him to see his daughter if she knew. I feel like I was discarded. If I hadn't kicked him out, I don't think he would have stopped anytime soon. I don't feel like I'm that important to him anymore. All of my illusions about how magical our love was are gone. We're just two people. Yeah, we both love each other, but it's not special. It could crash and burn at any moment and I would become irrelevant compared to a drug. 8 years of recovery seemed safe, didn't it?
What if it happens again in 8 years? In 1? Next week? Tomorrow? Today? How do I ever relax again? How do I take our long term plans seriously ever again? We talk about things we'll do in years to come and my brain starts calculating how much I can take out of my 401k for a new place for me and the kids if this falls apart. I don't know how to live one day at a time.
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Hi babe one lady to another.. you never relax you wait for the next shoe to drop every minute.. and every time you think you see that sparkle of the past that was balanced.. hang on to it..for its only there for a brief moment and then gone in a breath.. he will never give it up all together.. and as he gets older.. parts of him and his body will start to tell on all of the drug abuse he has put it through...... prayers love and hopes for a brighter tomorrow...
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Join Date: Apr 2017
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Originally Posted by ardy 
Hi babe one lady to another.. you never relax you wait for the next shoe to drop every minute.. and every time you think you see that sparkle of the past that was balanced.. hang on to it..for its only there for a brief moment and then gone in a breath.. he will never give it up all together.. and as he gets older.. parts of him and his body will start to tell on all of the drug abuse he has put it through...... prayers love and hopes for a brighter tomorrow...
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I agree, living with an addict after watching them relapse, that fear just never seems to fully go away. The more clean time they have the anxiety and worry lesson but never totally leaves your thoughts.
Al-anon helped me and reading and posting here on SR helped me to adjust to a new way of living life with an addict.
In all honesty if I had known what I know today about addiction, relapses, addict behaviors I would never had taken him back and stayed in relationship as long as I did. Relapse became a big part of our lives until I decided not to live that life anymore.
Al-anon helped me and reading and posting here on SR helped me to adjust to a new way of living life with an addict.
In all honesty if I had known what I know today about addiction, relapses, addict behaviors I would never had taken him back and stayed in relationship as long as I did. Relapse became a big part of our lives until I decided not to live that life anymore.
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Originally Posted by atalose
I agree, living with an addict after watching them relapse, that fear just never seems to fully go away. The more clean time they have the anxiety and worry lesson but never totally leaves your thoughts.
Al-anon helped me and reading and posting here on SR helped me to adjust to a new way of living life with an addict.
In all honesty if I had known what I know today about addiction, relapses, addict behaviors I would never had taken him back and stayed in relationship as long as I did. Relapse became a big part of our lives until I decided not to live that life anymore.
Al-anon helped me and reading and posting here on SR helped me to adjust to a new way of living life with an addict.
In all honesty if I had known what I know today about addiction, relapses, addict behaviors I would never had taken him back and stayed in relationship as long as I did. Relapse became a big part of our lives until I decided not to live that life anymore.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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hello and welcome. very sorry for what brings you here, but you are in the right place.
former crackhead here and your story still gives me shivers. wretched drug.
the "boredom" thing....it means something different to him than how you would apply it. he isn't saying YOU are boring or your LIFE is boring. crack rewires all the pleasure centers, so that only ONE thing really gets everything firing. and it takes a long time crack-free for those synapses to heal and reroute and for the addict to find anything that seems marginally pleasurable. in fact, there will NEVER be anything like it.
so if one does not remain vigilant and commit to not using again ever under any circumstances, PERIOD - the beast lurking in the bushes will start following you around, nipping at your heels, talking talking talking. and once you give in? eh, there's no stopping at just one.
you took all the right steps. you upped your game, you enforced boundaries. you are in counseling. and you are putting the welfare of your children first.
so how does one deal with the possibility of relapse?? find something hard to bite on! no seriously, you keep those boundaries in place, and you stay ready to pull the trigger and say "not here, not in this house, not in this life". it's like having that mental "go bag" ready by the door.
and if you decide you can't deal with the possibility hanging over your head you reserve the right to end the relationship. you can love someone and yet not be able to LIVE with them. i know i couldn't. if my other half relapsed.....ugh......that would have to be it. we are both 9 years (i think it's 9, lost track along the way) clean and we both remain exactly one bad decision away.
former crackhead here and your story still gives me shivers. wretched drug.
the "boredom" thing....it means something different to him than how you would apply it. he isn't saying YOU are boring or your LIFE is boring. crack rewires all the pleasure centers, so that only ONE thing really gets everything firing. and it takes a long time crack-free for those synapses to heal and reroute and for the addict to find anything that seems marginally pleasurable. in fact, there will NEVER be anything like it.
so if one does not remain vigilant and commit to not using again ever under any circumstances, PERIOD - the beast lurking in the bushes will start following you around, nipping at your heels, talking talking talking. and once you give in? eh, there's no stopping at just one.
you took all the right steps. you upped your game, you enforced boundaries. you are in counseling. and you are putting the welfare of your children first.
so how does one deal with the possibility of relapse?? find something hard to bite on! no seriously, you keep those boundaries in place, and you stay ready to pull the trigger and say "not here, not in this house, not in this life". it's like having that mental "go bag" ready by the door.
and if you decide you can't deal with the possibility hanging over your head you reserve the right to end the relationship. you can love someone and yet not be able to LIVE with them. i know i couldn't. if my other half relapsed.....ugh......that would have to be it. we are both 9 years (i think it's 9, lost track along the way) clean and we both remain exactly one bad decision away.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
hello and welcome. very sorry for what brings you here, but you are in the right place.
former crackhead here and your story still gives me shivers. wretched drug.
the "boredom" thing....it means something different to him than how you would apply it. he isn't saying YOU are boring or your LIFE is boring. crack rewires all the pleasure centers, so that only ONE thing really gets everything firing. and it takes a long time crack-free for those synapses to heal and reroute and for the addict to find anything that seems marginally pleasurable. in fact, there will NEVER be anything like it.
so if one does not remain vigilant and commit to not using again ever under any circumstances, PERIOD - the beast lurking in the bushes will start following you around, nipping at your heels, talking talking talking. and once you give in? eh, there's no stopping at just one.
you took all the right steps. you upped your game, you enforced boundaries. you are in counseling. and you are putting the welfare of your children first.
so how does one deal with the possibility of relapse?? find something hard to bite on! no seriously, you keep those boundaries in place, and you stay ready to pull the trigger and say "not here, not in this house, not in this life". it's like having that mental "go bag" ready by the door.
and if you decide you can't deal with the possibility hanging over your head you reserve the right to end the relationship. you can love someone and yet not be able to LIVE with them. i know i couldn't. if my other half relapsed.....ugh......that would have to be it. we are both 9 years (i think it's 9, lost track along the way) clean and we both remain exactly one bad decision away.
former crackhead here and your story still gives me shivers. wretched drug.
the "boredom" thing....it means something different to him than how you would apply it. he isn't saying YOU are boring or your LIFE is boring. crack rewires all the pleasure centers, so that only ONE thing really gets everything firing. and it takes a long time crack-free for those synapses to heal and reroute and for the addict to find anything that seems marginally pleasurable. in fact, there will NEVER be anything like it.
so if one does not remain vigilant and commit to not using again ever under any circumstances, PERIOD - the beast lurking in the bushes will start following you around, nipping at your heels, talking talking talking. and once you give in? eh, there's no stopping at just one.
you took all the right steps. you upped your game, you enforced boundaries. you are in counseling. and you are putting the welfare of your children first.
so how does one deal with the possibility of relapse?? find something hard to bite on! no seriously, you keep those boundaries in place, and you stay ready to pull the trigger and say "not here, not in this house, not in this life". it's like having that mental "go bag" ready by the door.
and if you decide you can't deal with the possibility hanging over your head you reserve the right to end the relationship. you can love someone and yet not be able to LIVE with them. i know i couldn't. if my other half relapsed.....ugh......that would have to be it. we are both 9 years (i think it's 9, lost track along the way) clean and we both remain exactly one bad decision away.
Thanks, Anvilhead. You made me feel better. I think the only way I can get through this is to have money set aside and a game plan for if it all falls apart again. Growing my savings account aggressively is my goal right now. If he doesn't relapse again, he's so worth the stress of it. If he does...well...that's a freakin' tragedy. I hate the way this has changed our relationship, though. I knew we would be together until one of us died. Now I don't know anything at all.
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So I found beer cans with holes punched in them like he was smoking out of before and he's acting weird today. He's smoking it again. **** me. I went outside to hang out with him and it's like he was trying to be normal and nice but couldn't stand me being nearby and he took off to go get something for his truck within a few minutes. I was so hopeful. It had been such a good week. It was 4 weeks clean. I feel like I have lost the love of my life. Again. I was better. Now I'm shaking and heartbroken again. I knew something was wrong today. Damn him. Damn him for me loving him.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
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I'm sorry Deelilah, I know the stomach kick you feel when you know the relapse is underway.
All drugs are horrible but I think crack is one of the worst (maybe surpassed by meth) but any drug that steals their soul is poison to us as well.
You have some tough decisions to make very soon, to continue to live with this and the pain that goes with it or to put space between you and bear the pain that brings...at least the last pain will heal with time.
In the meantime, please hide your valuables, your bank and credit cards and anything you care about. Protect yourself and your belongings because sooner or later you will discover your savings is empty or your credit card is maxed and then it will b too late. So very sorry but that's the cold hard truth about crack especially.
I am glad you found us and hope that you find the courage to do what you need to do to take care of yourself.
Hugs
All drugs are horrible but I think crack is one of the worst (maybe surpassed by meth) but any drug that steals their soul is poison to us as well.
You have some tough decisions to make very soon, to continue to live with this and the pain that goes with it or to put space between you and bear the pain that brings...at least the last pain will heal with time.
In the meantime, please hide your valuables, your bank and credit cards and anything you care about. Protect yourself and your belongings because sooner or later you will discover your savings is empty or your credit card is maxed and then it will b too late. So very sorry but that's the cold hard truth about crack especially.
I am glad you found us and hope that you find the courage to do what you need to do to take care of yourself.
Hugs
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Originally Posted by Ann
I'm sorry Deelilah, I know the stomach kick you feel when you know the relapse is underway.
All drugs are horrible but I think crack is one of the worst (maybe surpassed by meth) but any drug that steals their soul is poison to us as well.
You have some tough decisions to make very soon, to continue to live with this and the pain that goes with it or to put space between you and bear the pain that brings...at least the last pain will heal with time.
In the meantime, please hide your valuables, your bank and credit cards and anything you care about. Protect yourself and your belongings because sooner or later you will discover your savings is empty or your credit card is maxed and then it will b too late. So very sorry but that's the cold hard truth about crack especially.
I am glad you found us and hope that you find the courage to do what you need to do to take care of yourself.
Hugs
All drugs are horrible but I think crack is one of the worst (maybe surpassed by meth) but any drug that steals their soul is poison to us as well.
You have some tough decisions to make very soon, to continue to live with this and the pain that goes with it or to put space between you and bear the pain that brings...at least the last pain will heal with time.
In the meantime, please hide your valuables, your bank and credit cards and anything you care about. Protect yourself and your belongings because sooner or later you will discover your savings is empty or your credit card is maxed and then it will b too late. So very sorry but that's the cold hard truth about crack especially.
I am glad you found us and hope that you find the courage to do what you need to do to take care of yourself.
Hugs
And EVEN NOW as I see him text me about how they're putting his windshield wipers on for him trying to make everything seem so normal and covering why he is out, justifying his every move to me as he has done without my asking for the past month, as he kissed me and told me he loved me when he left, I think "maybe if I just say the right words when he comes home". OMG. Am I THIS DUMB? Or is it just that it hurts sooooo much that my brain is trying to find any way to avoid facing reality? I'm normally a strong rational person...what is wrong with me? I'd bet everything I have that you guys understand all of that completely. I am so sorry that you do.
No. Nooooo. I won't live like this. I still have some of my sanity. I won't let him destroy me. I've been through a lot of crap and survived. I just really really really didn't want to add HIM to the "crap I've survived". It's just so tragic.
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dee - where to we put TRASH when we empty out our cars?
in the trash.
where would we put aluminum cans? in the recycle.
we wouldn't take the trash and set it on a shelf or a box in our garage.
he wouldn't have two cans used for smoking crack STILL rolling around in his truck.
see what you see.
know what you know.
even if it hurts.
he's still using. he's trying to be sneaky about it. he's using in the home.
us crack addicts are exactly one bad decision away. and once we "go there" it's tough to make it back. it's the nature of the beast. and addiction. and it really blows. i'm sorry.
in the trash.
where would we put aluminum cans? in the recycle.
we wouldn't take the trash and set it on a shelf or a box in our garage.
he wouldn't have two cans used for smoking crack STILL rolling around in his truck.
see what you see.
know what you know.
even if it hurts.
he's still using. he's trying to be sneaky about it. he's using in the home.
us crack addicts are exactly one bad decision away. and once we "go there" it's tough to make it back. it's the nature of the beast. and addiction. and it really blows. i'm sorry.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Yeah, I call BS on the "its trash from his truck".
And if you want to believe that.........there's this bridge in Brooklyn NY you can buy - real cheap!!
Don't get turned inside out and upside down with his attempt at smooth talking you into what you know is true.
And if you want to believe that.........there's this bridge in Brooklyn NY you can buy - real cheap!!
Don't get turned inside out and upside down with his attempt at smooth talking you into what you know is true.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
dee - where to we put TRASH when we empty out our cars?
in the trash.
where would we put aluminum cans? in the recycle.
we wouldn't take the trash and set it on a shelf or a box in our garage.
he wouldn't have two cans used for smoking crack STILL rolling around in his truck.
see what you see.
know what you know.
even if it hurts.
he's still using. he's trying to be sneaky about it. he's using in the home.
us crack addicts are exactly one bad decision away. and once we "go there" it's tough to make it back. it's the nature of the beast. and addiction. and it really blows. i'm sorry.
in the trash.
where would we put aluminum cans? in the recycle.
we wouldn't take the trash and set it on a shelf or a box in our garage.
he wouldn't have two cans used for smoking crack STILL rolling around in his truck.
see what you see.
know what you know.
even if it hurts.
he's still using. he's trying to be sneaky about it. he's using in the home.
us crack addicts are exactly one bad decision away. and once we "go there" it's tough to make it back. it's the nature of the beast. and addiction. and it really blows. i'm sorry.
I know what I know and you are 100% correct. He's using in a place where my kids live. He's lying straight to my face and telling me he loves me.
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and baby i bet he DOES love you but he is "in the grip" right now. a crack high ain't like no other nothing - and for a while everything just feels so damn good - and yet i know he knows this is not right and i can almost "hear" the chatter in his head. and part of him is saying "dude we got to STOP this now, it ain't worth it!" and the drug infested part is saying "yeah we'll stop soon, just a bit longer, we got this, just do another hit, might as well go big or go home".
i remember getting 20 minutes of sleep before my daughter called, driving over to get me so we could DRIVE from Seattle to LA in her car that had a tendency to overheat. i KNEW i had this road trip coming up - it was me and the kid driving back to LA for her 2nd year of college. kind of a big deal. and yet what did i do? get high all night and get about 20 mins of lying horizontal time.
there is no rationale that makes any sense. but the addict, the old adage applies: IT SEEMED LIKE A GOOD IDEA AT THE TIME. no one is better at living in the moment than an addict...........they make the Dali Lama look like a novice.
i remember getting 20 minutes of sleep before my daughter called, driving over to get me so we could DRIVE from Seattle to LA in her car that had a tendency to overheat. i KNEW i had this road trip coming up - it was me and the kid driving back to LA for her 2nd year of college. kind of a big deal. and yet what did i do? get high all night and get about 20 mins of lying horizontal time.
there is no rationale that makes any sense. but the addict, the old adage applies: IT SEEMED LIKE A GOOD IDEA AT THE TIME. no one is better at living in the moment than an addict...........they make the Dali Lama look like a novice.
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Well, I went out and talked to him and had the most honest conversation we've had in a while. I explained that my biggest problem was that I have a measurable IQ, lol, and that none of this was honesty on his part. He came clean. He's been trying to use casually without binging, couldn't resist it. We talked. He promised not to lie about it anymore. Doesn't know what he's going to do. Says I deserve better, apologized, all that. He doesn't want where he knows this road is going to lead. Said he has nightmares of losing everything. Of course, that is the end result. We hugged and cried. I don't have hopes anymore. I guess I'm being pragmatic now. I know that I'm not quite ready for Plan B, but if it all goes down how it's gonna if he doesn't seek treatment and really want to stop, I have 3 months minimum before the home would be foreclosed on. The kids will be with their dad this summer, so June would be a good time to have saved some money and get out. It is what it is. I'd rather do this without so many lies. Maybe I'll get fewer lies now. That's about the most I can hope for.
Oh well. Ball is in his court. Plan B is being worked on. I love him and this is sad.
Oh well. Ball is in his court. Plan B is being worked on. I love him and this is sad.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
and baby i bet he DOES love you but he is "in the grip" right now. a crack high ain't like no other nothing - and for a while everything just feels so damn good - and yet i know he knows this is not right and i can almost "hear" the chatter in his head. and part of him is saying "dude we got to STOP this now, it ain't worth it!" and the drug infested part is saying "yeah we'll stop soon, just a bit longer, we got this, just do another hit, might as well go big or go home".
i remember getting 20 minutes of sleep before my daughter called, driving over to get me so we could DRIVE from Seattle to LA in her car that had a tendency to overheat. i KNEW i had this road trip coming up - it was me and the kid driving back to LA for her 2nd year of college. kind of a big deal. and yet what did i do? get high all night and get about 20 mins of lying horizontal time.
there is no rationale that makes any sense. but the addict, the old adage applies: IT SEEMED LIKE A GOOD IDEA AT THE TIME. no one is better at living in the moment than an addict...........they make the Dali Lama look like a novice.
i remember getting 20 minutes of sleep before my daughter called, driving over to get me so we could DRIVE from Seattle to LA in her car that had a tendency to overheat. i KNEW i had this road trip coming up - it was me and the kid driving back to LA for her 2nd year of college. kind of a big deal. and yet what did i do? get high all night and get about 20 mins of lying horizontal time.
there is no rationale that makes any sense. but the addict, the old adage applies: IT SEEMED LIKE A GOOD IDEA AT THE TIME. no one is better at living in the moment than an addict...........they make the Dali Lama look like a novice.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Me too, I watched my son self-destruct on crack and would not wish living with that on anyone.
Anvil, I too applaud how you share honestly and openly about addiction, you are indeed a double winner here and I admire you so much for beating the devil at his own game.
Anvil, I too applaud how you share honestly and openly about addiction, you are indeed a double winner here and I admire you so much for beating the devil at his own game.
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