Living in Limbo and Disillusionment
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
now i need to start by saying that i love my daughter beyond reason. she's 34 and we have an awesome relationship. she is the most spectacular human on the planet.
however....back when her dad (my 1st ex) died of cancer, we had her come up from college to stay with us for the memorial services. in fact i went WITH her and her grandfather to the funeral home i went to when my mom died, and helped guide them thru the process.
however one night, with my daughter in another room, her dad having just DIED, we holed up in our room smoking tough and managed at about 2 am to set off the smoke alarm in our room.
alarms are NEVER a good thing for anyone higher than hell on crack. it was pretty horrifying. we got the damned thing to stop. i couldn't even bear to go into the hallway to see if she was awake.
now the TODAY me thinks that is crazy. i mean what mother would DO that???
a crack addict would. i couldn't even tell you the mental gymnastics i did to make THAT stunt ok.....but at the time......yeah well.....who knew we'd smoke so much that we'd set off the alarm!?? the rationale wasn't that we did anything WRONG, only that we hadn't planned it well.
unless you've been there, you just won't ever GET IT.....and you should thank the good lord every day that you do not.
however....back when her dad (my 1st ex) died of cancer, we had her come up from college to stay with us for the memorial services. in fact i went WITH her and her grandfather to the funeral home i went to when my mom died, and helped guide them thru the process.
however one night, with my daughter in another room, her dad having just DIED, we holed up in our room smoking tough and managed at about 2 am to set off the smoke alarm in our room.
alarms are NEVER a good thing for anyone higher than hell on crack. it was pretty horrifying. we got the damned thing to stop. i couldn't even bear to go into the hallway to see if she was awake.
now the TODAY me thinks that is crazy. i mean what mother would DO that???
a crack addict would. i couldn't even tell you the mental gymnastics i did to make THAT stunt ok.....but at the time......yeah well.....who knew we'd smoke so much that we'd set off the alarm!?? the rationale wasn't that we did anything WRONG, only that we hadn't planned it well.
unless you've been there, you just won't ever GET IT.....and you should thank the good lord every day that you do not.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 293
Originally Posted by Ann 
Me too, I watched my son self-destruct on crack and would not wish living with that on anyone.
Anvil, I too applaud how you share honestly and openly about addiction, you are indeed a double winner here and I admire you so much for beating the devil at his own game.
Anvil, I too applaud how you share honestly and openly about addiction, you are indeed a double winner here and I admire you so much for beating the devil at his own game.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 293
He went to an NA meeting. He's trying to stop alcohol, pot and crack and get completely sober. I think crying on each other all night was pretty intense for both of us. I'll be waiting to react to his choices, I guess.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 293
Just the reality checks alone here are invaluable, aren't they? I got some good sleep last night and woke up with a strangely peaceful attitude about all this. I'm not going to try and figure out whether he relapses or not. For one, it's really obvious when it happens and two, even if it weren't crack takes a person down pretty quickly and it would be clear within days anyway. I'm not going to take any responsibility for his recovery. We had a really happy peaceful week last week and yet he still relapsed. It has nothing to do with anything I say or do anyhow. I know what my Plan B is and I know that I could enact it. Worst case scenario is that he doesn't recover, I have to deal with a broken heart and move on with my life. That is bad, but that isn't fatal. Plus, Plan B is a life that would not require anyone but me to maintain. No extra financial help necessary. If this goes south, I am absolutely determined to have a life again that does not require the help of a partner. I seem to be able to rely on me pretty well.
I had been wondering how on earth one detaches in a marriage, and I woke up unexpectedly detached. It's weird. Maybe I had a dream of clarity or something?
I had been wondering how on earth one detaches in a marriage, and I woke up unexpectedly detached. It's weird. Maybe I had a dream of clarity or something?
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 293
Originally Posted by Jaeger
Delilah,
You sound very strong. Have you considered going to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon? I love my home group!
Jaeger
You sound very strong. Have you considered going to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon? I love my home group!
Jaeger
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 293
He's at his second NA meeting right now. Hasn't had so much as a beer since Sunday. His attitude gets better by the day, but I know he's far from out of the woods. It's minute by minute and there are no guarantees. We're talking a lot, but talk isn't as important as actions in this case. I am letting him do his thing and observing. It's hard to not have a crystal ball, lol, but I'm hoping Naranon meetings will help me weather this storm, whatever the outcome. I still can't imagine not being with him, but I haven't had to go through the horrors that so many people have yet. I haven't reached any sort of "bottom" and I'm so afraid of going through that journey. I hate the thought of him going through that journey too. I hope that if he crashes and burns, I'm strong enough to leave quickly. I really hope that he can get hard into recovery. But yes, for now, all I can do is be supportive and observe.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 109
Consider your "not being codependent enough" a blessing. Turn around and walk away, and be glad you have that kind of inner strength that some of us would envy. You sound like a healthy-minded person. Go and don't look back.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I'm giving him a shot at saving himself.
huh...........are you? i mean are these "shots at saving" YOURS to GIVE out? or is it more likely you mean you are giving him a shot to sober up and save the state of the relationship?
cuz he can get back on track all by himself, and in spite of what you choose to do.
and YOU can make your own choices as well, IN SPITE of what HE does.
i know this is a tricky time. just make sure you breathe your own air!
huh...........are you? i mean are these "shots at saving" YOURS to GIVE out? or is it more likely you mean you are giving him a shot to sober up and save the state of the relationship?
cuz he can get back on track all by himself, and in spite of what you choose to do.
and YOU can make your own choices as well, IN SPITE of what HE does.
i know this is a tricky time. just make sure you breathe your own air!
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 293
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
I'm giving him a shot at saving himself.
huh...........are you? i mean are these "shots at saving" YOURS to GIVE out? or is it more likely you mean you are giving him a shot to sober up and save the state of the relationship?
cuz he can get back on track all by himself, and in spite of what you choose to do.
and YOU can make your own choices as well, IN SPITE of what HE does.
i know this is a tricky time. just make sure you breathe your own air!
huh...........are you? i mean are these "shots at saving" YOURS to GIVE out? or is it more likely you mean you are giving him a shot to sober up and save the state of the relationship?
cuz he can get back on track all by himself, and in spite of what you choose to do.
and YOU can make your own choices as well, IN SPITE of what HE does.
i know this is a tricky time. just make sure you breathe your own air!
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 293
Three + years from this first post. I wanted to come back and thank all of you who helped me here so very very much. I owe you. I could not have made it through this so well without you and I hope you are all okay. It brought tears to my eyes to read the innocence of who I was back then. I know that when I first joined here, I read some of these stories from 1st to last post in the hopes of gleaning some wisdom of what I could expect in my own situation. So in case anyone is doing this same thing, looking for answers and perspective, I'll do what I had planned to do for a while now and provide the ending to my own story.
Reading my characterization of the marriage having been beautiful pre-relapse is so sad to me now. This was my perspective then, genuinely. Unfortunately, I was made a fool of. I have since discovered that he was cheating on me with prostitutes for at least a year prior (and likely longer). Apparently there was a sex addiction in addiction to the drugs. I discovered that one of his close friendships fell apart because he tried to hook up with the man's young adult daughter. This person I thought I was married to was an illusion. This love story we had was not real. He did get sober for a few months, but my discovery of his infidelities killed the marriage. I had a revenge ONS upon discovery, which I am not proud of. He started going to church and became quite religious, attended meetings like his life depended on it, and I just sat there trying to survive the emotional trauma and devastation and regain the will to live for a few months. The drugs were unspeakable, the cheating nearly did me in. He relapsed on crack again anyway in early 2018, and it was sadly almost a relief. I have never been so utterly broken in all of my life as I was from June 2017 to February 2018. In a way, his relapse snapped me back into being myself. I left him in 2018, cashed out my 401k and bought a smaller but well-loved house in another town. He fell apart, threatened and (I think) attempted suicide at least 3 times. I finally reached a point where I was no longer able to care whether he succeeded in killing himself or not. It was as if I had exhausted all emotions I had in his direction. I was done. I wasted entirely too much emotion on this man.
This sounds like a bad ending, doesn't it?
It isn't. The relief I felt when I got out of that house into my new one and started this new life was like walking out of a burning building into a fresh cool breeze. I am so happy now. Even the negatives led to positives. I had the expected financial strain of going from a 2-income household back to single-parenting, so I took a part-time job at a Humane Society animal rescue. This job is as much therapy as it is additional pay. I made friends with a mean little Pomeranian who had been adopted and returned six times, and when the woman who runs the shelter started thinking of euthanizing him because he was impossible to place in a home and shelter life is not meant to be permanent, I took him home with me. I adore this little fluffy monster. He's my baby. He and my other five dogs (lol, yes, I wound up with six dogs) bring me so much joy and peace. If you want to save someone, save a dog. They give you love and loyalty back like nothing else. Six is definitely my cut-off number, but thankfully they're all small. You won't see me on Animal Hoarders, ha ha ha. It does good things to my soul to comfort and care for an abused or neglected dog. I never was very codependent with people, but a dog in need turns me to mush.
This house is smaller and older than my previous one, but the day the loan closed on it, I proceeded to paint the interior and make it my own. I got a good price on it because it was utterly un-landscaped and had been neglected. I got out there with my yard tools and transformed the yard from brush and neglect into flowers and new trees. It gets prettier every year. I decorate how I want and I don't worry about a spouse losing his job and being unable to pay the mortgage. It is MINE. My life is MINE. I am more than a little irritated about depleting so much of my retirement because of a dumbass, but it is what it is. Worth every penny to get out of the dumpster fire my life had become.
I haven't bothered dating yet, and honestly it's not because I don't know that there are good men out there or that I'm not comfortable with it. I'm just enjoying my peace too much to interrupt it. I have always enjoyed my own company and have never felt the need to be partnered up, thankfully. I will date when I feel like it, but so far I'm just too in love with my life as it is. My kids are great. One is in college and the other is in high school. Despite my worries, they like having just the three of us in the house again. We have always had a strong bond and I think the lesson my daughter has learned is that you don't take crap from a partner. I like that lesson.
So there it is. Even if it ends, it does not need to be an unhappy ending. I suffered a great deal during the demise of the marriage, no doubt about it. You can get to the other side, though. You will. And the other side can be a beautiful peaceful place. You own your own life and no one has the right to take your peace of mind from you.
Reading my characterization of the marriage having been beautiful pre-relapse is so sad to me now. This was my perspective then, genuinely. Unfortunately, I was made a fool of. I have since discovered that he was cheating on me with prostitutes for at least a year prior (and likely longer). Apparently there was a sex addiction in addiction to the drugs. I discovered that one of his close friendships fell apart because he tried to hook up with the man's young adult daughter. This person I thought I was married to was an illusion. This love story we had was not real. He did get sober for a few months, but my discovery of his infidelities killed the marriage. I had a revenge ONS upon discovery, which I am not proud of. He started going to church and became quite religious, attended meetings like his life depended on it, and I just sat there trying to survive the emotional trauma and devastation and regain the will to live for a few months. The drugs were unspeakable, the cheating nearly did me in. He relapsed on crack again anyway in early 2018, and it was sadly almost a relief. I have never been so utterly broken in all of my life as I was from June 2017 to February 2018. In a way, his relapse snapped me back into being myself. I left him in 2018, cashed out my 401k and bought a smaller but well-loved house in another town. He fell apart, threatened and (I think) attempted suicide at least 3 times. I finally reached a point where I was no longer able to care whether he succeeded in killing himself or not. It was as if I had exhausted all emotions I had in his direction. I was done. I wasted entirely too much emotion on this man.
This sounds like a bad ending, doesn't it?
It isn't. The relief I felt when I got out of that house into my new one and started this new life was like walking out of a burning building into a fresh cool breeze. I am so happy now. Even the negatives led to positives. I had the expected financial strain of going from a 2-income household back to single-parenting, so I took a part-time job at a Humane Society animal rescue. This job is as much therapy as it is additional pay. I made friends with a mean little Pomeranian who had been adopted and returned six times, and when the woman who runs the shelter started thinking of euthanizing him because he was impossible to place in a home and shelter life is not meant to be permanent, I took him home with me. I adore this little fluffy monster. He's my baby. He and my other five dogs (lol, yes, I wound up with six dogs) bring me so much joy and peace. If you want to save someone, save a dog. They give you love and loyalty back like nothing else. Six is definitely my cut-off number, but thankfully they're all small. You won't see me on Animal Hoarders, ha ha ha. It does good things to my soul to comfort and care for an abused or neglected dog. I never was very codependent with people, but a dog in need turns me to mush.
This house is smaller and older than my previous one, but the day the loan closed on it, I proceeded to paint the interior and make it my own. I got a good price on it because it was utterly un-landscaped and had been neglected. I got out there with my yard tools and transformed the yard from brush and neglect into flowers and new trees. It gets prettier every year. I decorate how I want and I don't worry about a spouse losing his job and being unable to pay the mortgage. It is MINE. My life is MINE. I am more than a little irritated about depleting so much of my retirement because of a dumbass, but it is what it is. Worth every penny to get out of the dumpster fire my life had become.
I haven't bothered dating yet, and honestly it's not because I don't know that there are good men out there or that I'm not comfortable with it. I'm just enjoying my peace too much to interrupt it. I have always enjoyed my own company and have never felt the need to be partnered up, thankfully. I will date when I feel like it, but so far I'm just too in love with my life as it is. My kids are great. One is in college and the other is in high school. Despite my worries, they like having just the three of us in the house again. We have always had a strong bond and I think the lesson my daughter has learned is that you don't take crap from a partner. I like that lesson.
So there it is. Even if it ends, it does not need to be an unhappy ending. I suffered a great deal during the demise of the marriage, no doubt about it. You can get to the other side, though. You will. And the other side can be a beautiful peaceful place. You own your own life and no one has the right to take your peace of mind from you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 293
I should add for clarity that the months between June 2017 and Feb 2018 were not months of being reconciled. The marriage was over in 2017 when I discovered the infidelities. I took time to psychologically recover and get plan B in action. I was trying to keep a promise to my son not to take him out of his school that year and didn't have much luck house-hunting in the school district. I just wasn't capable of much more than surviving for a few months there. His relapse was what got me up and moving and buying a home in another town where there were more options.
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Join Date: Aug 2020
Posts: 14
I’ve just started my “no contact” with my partner. I’ve left a few times only to be lured back in with “I’m so sorry, you’re the best thing that ever happened to me, it was all my fault” I had a friend of mine facilitate getting my car keys back from her. She asked for all the gifts back that she gave me and I sent every little thing she ever gave me back through my friend. Nothing in my apartment to remind me of her. Even gave back the hand sanitizer. Addicts lie. I’m not saying it will always be that way, however they do not deserve the benefit of the doubt until they have committed to recovery. I was weak and believed what she told me and I got burned too many times. Keeping up a facade when you are still using really can’t last that long. No contact is the hardest, saddest, loneliest thing I’ve ever done, yet it’s the first time I’ve stood up for myself.
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