My Son Gave His Car Away Last Night For Crack
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 170
Originally Posted by tomsteve 
no,we are not heartless. what we all decided is we werent going to literally love our loved ones to death- no more digging their grave while we suffered working on our own graves,too.
25 years of this.
i hope ya stop using bi polar and depression as an excuse to not let go.
and
bipolar and depression are horrible excuses to not grow up and take responsability and accountability for ones own life. i know a LOT of people with both ( personally im on a med for depression) that are clean and/or sober that have done that. he can,too.
im not sure what ya want from us,GK. if you want us to cosign the insanity and give you suggestions to keep destroying both of you, thats not going to happen.
when was the last time your son had to be a responsable adult? when was the last time he had to face the consequences for his actions without your interference?
who takes care of HIS meds?
25 years of this.
i hope ya stop using bi polar and depression as an excuse to not let go.
and
bipolar and depression are horrible excuses to not grow up and take responsability and accountability for ones own life. i know a LOT of people with both ( personally im on a med for depression) that are clean and/or sober that have done that. he can,too.
im not sure what ya want from us,GK. if you want us to cosign the insanity and give you suggestions to keep destroying both of you, thats not going to happen.
when was the last time your son had to be a responsable adult? when was the last time he had to face the consequences for his actions without your interference?
who takes care of HIS meds?
Originally Posted by tomsteve
im really confused at how your actions arent considered rescueing.
can you give me some insight?
can you give me some insight?
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
I cannot take this any longer. What now?
Yet if you stop and look at your situation rationally, using your wise mind, what choice do you have?
If you cannot take this any longer, then your choice is clear and all that is left to do is follow through. Otherwise, he'll drag you down with him.
This is one of those moments where the collective ES&H of our Resident Moms is invaluable. Seek them out. Pay attention to what they've learned. Absorb what you believe is helpful. And then summon the strength to do what is best for you and to allow your son the opportunity to experience the consequences of his decisions.
Keep us posted.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
My point with the bipolar meds was....you said you need him there so that you can make sure he is not running out of his meds.
At this point those meds are not doing their job, the crack disrupts that.
Your focus is on your son and his wellness, our focus is on you and your well being. You came here again because your life is disrupted by someone elses addiction.
We are offering you advice and support in doing what is best for you at this point in your adult sons addiction.
At this point those meds are not doing their job, the crack disrupts that.
Your focus is on your son and his wellness, our focus is on you and your well being. You came here again because your life is disrupted by someone elses addiction.
We are offering you advice and support in doing what is best for you at this point in your adult sons addiction.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 167
The best thing I ever did was not allow my grown RA children to come back to my house after there sober living experience.....Actually I did try once and they used again.....my boundary, I matter and they matter.....there is a reason these drugs are illegal and dangerous.....I was not going to be the one to watch day after day them using and then getting a bad batch or something worse OD here at my house.....I stopped being the enabler.....who wouldn't want a place to live and a huge security blanket Every single time we messed up.......We all have to face our own consequences.....I stuck to boundaries and staying away from illegal drugs in or around my home was one of them....hardest thing I have ever done but I feel like I might have actually helped save lives instead of giving them the gun loaded.....My personal thoughts but maybe I don't understand my kids are only in there twenties
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 167
Something I read here and borrowed.... made sense to me.......................
Im giving you the dignity and respect to find your own way....I love you enough to stop cheating you out of growing yourself.... I believe in you enough to know your gonna make healthier choices for you. I sold you short by stepping in every time.. Your strong enough to do this life yourself...I love you.
this really got to me and I hope it helps someone else
Im giving you the dignity and respect to find your own way....I love you enough to stop cheating you out of growing yourself.... I believe in you enough to know your gonna make healthier choices for you. I sold you short by stepping in every time.. Your strong enough to do this life yourself...I love you.
this really got to me and I hope it helps someone else
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 91
I enabled my daughter for 14 yrs, through the booze, then the LSD, the pills, and finally the crack. Nothing I did, not the huge amounts of money I gave her, paying off the bad checks to keep her out of jail, or pleading with her that her children are being harmed by her choices. She became the drug before my eyes, this beautiful loving sweet young lady that everyone adored, her brain rewired by this poison until her morals and her feelings were those of a lost soil. I have no contact with her now and is the only way I found that stops the enabling. I know how difficult and painful your struggle is now but there are answers for you that can show the way to a serene and more rational existence. Huge hugs and stay in touch.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
why is it you feel if you do not have him at home with you where you can "try" to monitor his every move, he will surely DIE?
as it is, he is still doing exactly what HE wants....isn't he? have you really STOPPED anything? or have you ENABLED it to continue?
as it is, he is still doing exactly what HE wants....isn't he? have you really STOPPED anything? or have you ENABLED it to continue?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 22
Don't think for a second that your son appreciates anything you do or loves you anymore for any of it. Dependence breeds resentment.
It may be hard to see because you are in the situation, but from the outside, it looks as though you need him dependent on you more than he actually needs you.
I'm not saying this is going to happen to you, but if you look at cases of adult sons who are still dependent on their mothers who still baby them like they are children. If and when they do become violent, they first one that they hurt is their own mothers. Situations like these, never end well. Not saying he is going to physically hurt you, but just something to think about.
It may be hard to see because you are in the situation, but from the outside, it looks as though you need him dependent on you more than he actually needs you.
I'm not saying this is going to happen to you, but if you look at cases of adult sons who are still dependent on their mothers who still baby them like they are children. If and when they do become violent, they first one that they hurt is their own mothers. Situations like these, never end well. Not saying he is going to physically hurt you, but just something to think about.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 90
We're definitely not heartless. That's why we're here - to try and stay strong and assuage some of the pain. At least that's why I'm here.
When I finally made my brother move out, I cried for days and nights. Took a personal day from work. Called mutual friends to make sure he was still alive. Months later, guess what? He's still alive and still managing to finance an addiction.
Does your son see a psychiatrist for his bipolar disorder? The psychiatrist hasn't picked up on the crack addiction?
Here's the thing about mental illness - regular mental illness affects emotions, not so much intellect. People with even severe mental illness are capable of caring for themselves. At such time a mental illness is so severe that they cannot care for themselves, they're probably safest committed to a proper facility.
That may sound "heartless" too, but I'm going to give you some information about myself. I suffer from a depressive disorder that has psychotic features. I have, for my own safety and the safety of those around me, had myself committed for a short period. My husband and psychiatrist stay in communication and should such time arrive that my intellectual ability is impaired beyond caring for myself, my husband will have me committed with or without my consent. Why? Because he loves me. Letting me be free when I can't grasp reality would be a cruel way to speed me to my ultimate demise... kind of like enabling an addict.
That brings us back to the original situation. Unfortunately, the best thing we can do for our loved ones is to stop helping them stay afloat in active addiction. As long as we rescue them, they have no reason to make the difficult and painful journey to recovery. Unfortunately, stopping is difficult and painful, too. It's scary. It's heartbreaking. It's the most awful thing we'll probably ever have to do.
I wish you peace, truly. You're in my heart. You didn't cause it - you cannot cure it.
When I finally made my brother move out, I cried for days and nights. Took a personal day from work. Called mutual friends to make sure he was still alive. Months later, guess what? He's still alive and still managing to finance an addiction.
Does your son see a psychiatrist for his bipolar disorder? The psychiatrist hasn't picked up on the crack addiction?
Here's the thing about mental illness - regular mental illness affects emotions, not so much intellect. People with even severe mental illness are capable of caring for themselves. At such time a mental illness is so severe that they cannot care for themselves, they're probably safest committed to a proper facility.
That may sound "heartless" too, but I'm going to give you some information about myself. I suffer from a depressive disorder that has psychotic features. I have, for my own safety and the safety of those around me, had myself committed for a short period. My husband and psychiatrist stay in communication and should such time arrive that my intellectual ability is impaired beyond caring for myself, my husband will have me committed with or without my consent. Why? Because he loves me. Letting me be free when I can't grasp reality would be a cruel way to speed me to my ultimate demise... kind of like enabling an addict.
That brings us back to the original situation. Unfortunately, the best thing we can do for our loved ones is to stop helping them stay afloat in active addiction. As long as we rescue them, they have no reason to make the difficult and painful journey to recovery. Unfortunately, stopping is difficult and painful, too. It's scary. It's heartbreaking. It's the most awful thing we'll probably ever have to do.
I wish you peace, truly. You're in my heart. You didn't cause it - you cannot cure it.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Another mama checking in here. The hardest thing I ever did was making my son (now also in his 40's) leave my home and stop giving him money for anything.
For years, if he worked his money went to drugs. If he needed tools for a new job I would buy them and he would sell them. Even when he didn't live at home, I would buy him some basic groceries...and he would sell them too.
This went on for years and years, me trying to help, me trying to save him from himself and his addiction. It didn't change him but in the end it almost killed me.
GK, sometimes it takes more love to let go, to stop giving them anything so they are forced to find their own way, than it does to let them stay. Tough love is about us because it is tough to watch a child self-destruct when nothing we do changes anything. But I didn't let go until I reached my "enough" point. You will reach it one day too.
What helped me was going to meetings and learning to work a 12 step program that literally saved my life. CoDA and Al-anon were my groups, similar in many ways and both helped me find my balance and my sanity again.
Maybe check your area for meetings and see if they don't help you too.
Hugs
For years, if he worked his money went to drugs. If he needed tools for a new job I would buy them and he would sell them. Even when he didn't live at home, I would buy him some basic groceries...and he would sell them too.
This went on for years and years, me trying to help, me trying to save him from himself and his addiction. It didn't change him but in the end it almost killed me.
GK, sometimes it takes more love to let go, to stop giving them anything so they are forced to find their own way, than it does to let them stay. Tough love is about us because it is tough to watch a child self-destruct when nothing we do changes anything. But I didn't let go until I reached my "enough" point. You will reach it one day too.
What helped me was going to meetings and learning to work a 12 step program that literally saved my life. CoDA and Al-anon were my groups, similar in many ways and both helped me find my balance and my sanity again.
Maybe check your area for meetings and see if they don't help you too.
Hugs
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by GoodKarma
he told the crack dealer he could have his car and his cell phone for more crack.
I told him I could no longer get up at 5:00 a.m. and take him to work anymore and he had the nerve to ask me why!
Many years ago when I was running a muck my mother called AA Central for advice and when she shared it with me was I mad and disappointed. As I look back today I see where it was for the best for both her and I. She got instant relief and I chose to head further down the road to la la land. But, her pulling away did help me later on to find my bottom.
MB
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 170
This is NOT a site you want to go to for help. I was called names (mommy), belittled and someone even looked up things I posted many years ago for a total different situation and tried to bring that up into my current situation. I never felt so hurt and humiliated by people here I was asking for help.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
GoodKarma, everyone here is supportive and trying to help you. Your emotions may be too fragile right now to see that.
It is your choice whether to continue or not, but as a mama myself, I highly recommend that you take a deep breath and know that we do care, we just tell it how we see it sometimes.
It is your choice whether to continue or not, but as a mama myself, I highly recommend that you take a deep breath and know that we do care, we just tell it how we see it sometimes.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 379
Originally Posted by GoodKarma
This is NOT a site you want to go to for help. I was called names (mommy), belittled and someone even looked up things I posted many years ago for a total different situation and tried to bring that up into my current situation. I never felt so hurt and humiliated by people here I was asking for help.
I can relate to your feelings expressed here. It's unfortunate that sometimes the only responses that are given are of the dogmatic kind. They are well-intentioned, for the most part, but you might not see that now.
To the dogmatists, virtually every act that involves a relationship with your son constitutes "enabling" which is the cardinal sin among them. In turn, enabling = harming, abusing, and causing addiction. However, reality does not work that way. Life is far more complicated.
The fact of the matter is that a parent can do extreme opposites - provide all the necessities of living such as food, shelter, money, etc for their child compared to complete detachment from their child - and it is EQUALLY likely that the child will continue to abuse drugs or alcohol. There are no guaranteed outcomes, bottom line.
Any statement to the effect of "the best thing you can do to stop your child's addiction is to detach from him or her" is simply a bald faced untruth. Yet, that way of thinking runs rampant among nar-anoners/al-anoners. Yes, detachment does a wonderful job of helping the loved ones, no doubt about that; but to sell it as a cure for addiction (not speaking about helping an addiction to another's addiction) is to sell snake oil.
Feel free to PM me and we can talk further. Sending prayers your way.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
Originally Posted by GoodKarma
This is NOT a site you want to go to for help. I was called names (mommy), belittled and someone even looked up things I posted many years ago for a total different situation and tried to bring that up into my current situation. I never felt so hurt and humiliated by people here I was asking for help.
I remember being angered quite a few times by others' advice when I wasn't ready to let go of my AH. They saw right through his lies and empty promises when I was certain that he was finally sincere. Eventually, I made the choice to leave. It was the right choice for my family. But this was my husband, not my son. I'm sure the decision would have been a million times more difficult if it were. My heart goes out to you. Such a difficult situation.
I pray that you'll find peace in all of this.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Good Karma,
Please give yourself some time to let things sink in. I am aware that there are times when kindness could be used a little more and the criticisms allot less.
With that said, I would like to make a request of ALL members:
Please be aware that many of our posters are in very real, tangible pain. YELLING at someone does not help. Neither does belittling a relationship, taking shots at the addict or interrogation.
If you haven't experienced it, then don't preach on it. A few kind words is always welcome, but to judge what you know nothing about is unfair
And last but not least, please stop bundling everyone together. No one knows how another thinks.
Please give yourself some time to let things sink in. I am aware that there are times when kindness could be used a little more and the criticisms allot less.
With that said, I would like to make a request of ALL members:
Please be aware that many of our posters are in very real, tangible pain. YELLING at someone does not help. Neither does belittling a relationship, taking shots at the addict or interrogation.
If you haven't experienced it, then don't preach on it. A few kind words is always welcome, but to judge what you know nothing about is unfair
And last but not least, please stop bundling everyone together. No one knows how another thinks.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
GoodKarma...
When people come to us, they are almost always in a vulnerable state, and for damn good reasons, too. It is extremely difficult to be going through what you're currently going through. And as much as I know about addiction, I'd be lying if I said I know exactly what you feel. Because I don't.
With that said, the best counsel I can give you is to follow your own moral compass. Sounds easy, doesn't it?
It's not.
In situations such as yours, it is extremely difficult to decouple our emotions from our reason. If it was easy, sites like ours wouldn't exist. If our emotions never got in the way of our decision making, how easy would that be? But we don't have that luxury.
No matter what you do, GoodKarma, you're going to have to deal with a lot of discomfort and a lot of pain. That's just how it is, and there's no ducking it. So stop, take a breath, and figure out what you need to do. What is best for you. And whatever you find helpful here, absorb it. Whatever isn't helpful, ignore it. As long as you're in touch with what you need to do to survive this, you will be OK.
Keep us posted.
When people come to us, they are almost always in a vulnerable state, and for damn good reasons, too. It is extremely difficult to be going through what you're currently going through. And as much as I know about addiction, I'd be lying if I said I know exactly what you feel. Because I don't.
With that said, the best counsel I can give you is to follow your own moral compass. Sounds easy, doesn't it?
It's not.
In situations such as yours, it is extremely difficult to decouple our emotions from our reason. If it was easy, sites like ours wouldn't exist. If our emotions never got in the way of our decision making, how easy would that be? But we don't have that luxury.
No matter what you do, GoodKarma, you're going to have to deal with a lot of discomfort and a lot of pain. That's just how it is, and there's no ducking it. So stop, take a breath, and figure out what you need to do. What is best for you. And whatever you find helpful here, absorb it. Whatever isn't helpful, ignore it. As long as you're in touch with what you need to do to survive this, you will be OK.
Keep us posted.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: St. Louis, Mo
Posts: 7,334
hey! Prayers for you and your son. I have a son that is addicted to heroine. He lives with his dad and sometimes I think his dad does too much for him, but the fact is, I'm glad the choice is not mine, because I don't think I could make it.
Hugs to you, Good Karma.
Hugs to you, Good Karma.
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