Right back into it
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: NORTHFIELD
Posts: 188
Right back into it
Well, we just got back from a much needed week long vac. And unfortunately, things are bad , again.
Before we left, addicted stepson had expressed interest in getting clean, Great! but at this actions speak louder than words. Most of the family has now put boundaries in place as he is openly lying and stealing and breaking into family members homes. Yesterday his dad jumped and went to the rescue at three separate phone calls/crisis. Same old chaotic rhetoric. Place him and agf were staying sold their clothes for drugs, etc. Today is my first day back at work after vac. and there was no sleep last night as the 1am phone call of I'm cold, and sleeping in a cemetery, had his dad running to get them. So two strung out junkies sleeping in the next room doesn't bode well for my peace of mind. His dad was doing really good not enabling him for a week or so. Now that his mom and sis have tightened their boundaries dads phone is the one ringing and man he can't say no. This morning started off stellar, cause even if I say nothing my body language says I'm tense. And don't you know that means I 'm making him choose between us and that's a place that's ugly. I walk on eggshells not to say the wrong thing about his kid (Adult) and no matter what I am wrong. I am supposed to be HAPPY with the situation. So, because I'm NOT ecstatic that last night was chaos filled, this morning he threatened to leave me, said he wouldn't be there when I got home, and that I won and got what I wanted. Yeah, don't I feel like a winner. Like I wanted any of this ****. And then I had to leave for work. I get he's tired and was up all night too. But I'm sick of being the bad guy. I told him he needed to put the anger where it belonged and not on the one that has been trying to support him and his kids for over a decade. Fat chance of that happening. The only thing we agreed on was that this is no way to live. I understand, fully, that I cant change step sons behavior or his dads. Only mine. It's freaken sad. Tiring. How can people live like this for decades. And let me just say, if we get the "I'm cold" and need to be rescued call in the middle of august, winter is gonna be Reeeaaalllll fun. I guess I'm the jerk, I mean, how can I expect him to let his kid be cold and hungry and homeless. Heartless, is how he paints me. Says I have no empathy. Sigh.
Before we left, addicted stepson had expressed interest in getting clean, Great! but at this actions speak louder than words. Most of the family has now put boundaries in place as he is openly lying and stealing and breaking into family members homes. Yesterday his dad jumped and went to the rescue at three separate phone calls/crisis. Same old chaotic rhetoric. Place him and agf were staying sold their clothes for drugs, etc. Today is my first day back at work after vac. and there was no sleep last night as the 1am phone call of I'm cold, and sleeping in a cemetery, had his dad running to get them. So two strung out junkies sleeping in the next room doesn't bode well for my peace of mind. His dad was doing really good not enabling him for a week or so. Now that his mom and sis have tightened their boundaries dads phone is the one ringing and man he can't say no. This morning started off stellar, cause even if I say nothing my body language says I'm tense. And don't you know that means I 'm making him choose between us and that's a place that's ugly. I walk on eggshells not to say the wrong thing about his kid (Adult) and no matter what I am wrong. I am supposed to be HAPPY with the situation. So, because I'm NOT ecstatic that last night was chaos filled, this morning he threatened to leave me, said he wouldn't be there when I got home, and that I won and got what I wanted. Yeah, don't I feel like a winner. Like I wanted any of this ****. And then I had to leave for work. I get he's tired and was up all night too. But I'm sick of being the bad guy. I told him he needed to put the anger where it belonged and not on the one that has been trying to support him and his kids for over a decade. Fat chance of that happening. The only thing we agreed on was that this is no way to live. I understand, fully, that I cant change step sons behavior or his dads. Only mine. It's freaken sad. Tiring. How can people live like this for decades. And let me just say, if we get the "I'm cold" and need to be rescued call in the middle of august, winter is gonna be Reeeaaalllll fun. I guess I'm the jerk, I mean, how can I expect him to let his kid be cold and hungry and homeless. Heartless, is how he paints me. Says I have no empathy. Sigh.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
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I'm sorry to hear about what you are going through. My father and his wife went through this when my B(rother) was living with them a few years ago. B lost his apartment when he was arrested and jailed for the first time. When released, out on probation, he lived with them at their condo. Dad's wife has extreme OCD so it was difficult enough for her to have someone else living there. It would have been rocky whether or not B was using drugs.
Anyway, things really got to the boiling point when B was leaving evidence of his drug use around the house, e.g. left a joint right on the kitchen counter. Dad's wife insisted that B be kicked out. This was during the holiday season, a stressful time under even the most normal circumstances, and Dad, Dad's wife, and B were under so much pressure.
Christmas night, B proceeded to get completely wasted. I was there. I had never seen him so drunk in my entire life. The next morning, or in the middle of the night, he threw up all over the hallway that leads outside the master and guest bedrooms. That was the last straw for Dad's wife who put her foot down and ensured that B leave immediately.
What happened next changed the course of my B's life forever, but that's not what I am posting about here. I just wanted to say that I understand. I understand how difficult a position you are in. Hang in there!
Anyway, things really got to the boiling point when B was leaving evidence of his drug use around the house, e.g. left a joint right on the kitchen counter. Dad's wife insisted that B be kicked out. This was during the holiday season, a stressful time under even the most normal circumstances, and Dad, Dad's wife, and B were under so much pressure.
Christmas night, B proceeded to get completely wasted. I was there. I had never seen him so drunk in my entire life. The next morning, or in the middle of the night, he threw up all over the hallway that leads outside the master and guest bedrooms. That was the last straw for Dad's wife who put her foot down and ensured that B leave immediately.
What happened next changed the course of my B's life forever, but that's not what I am posting about here. I just wanted to say that I understand. I understand how difficult a position you are in. Hang in there!
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Join Date: Jun 2006
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Of course he sees you as heartless because you are not readily joining in on enabling and making it easier for his son to continue to put poison into his body. And you are not readily making your husbands emotional decisions to constantly rescue easy for him.
Your husband and his son are caught up in a circle where each believe they NEED the other in order to survive. You are on the outside of that circle and both of them will defend that circle at all costs, including a marriage.
I think you are absolutely correct that it will be a very long winter in your household with the two of them, as they are today.
Your husband is trying to rescue his son and you are trying to rescue your husband. I would strongly suggest that you seek out some counseling for you to help sort this all out and choices you can make for a more peaceful life.
It’s amazing how his son didn’t NEED him or him NEEDING his son while on vacation!! Kind of gives you an idea of what life with no contact with an active A would be like.
Sorry you continue to struggle with their issues, it’s not easy.
Your husband and his son are caught up in a circle where each believe they NEED the other in order to survive. You are on the outside of that circle and both of them will defend that circle at all costs, including a marriage.
I think you are absolutely correct that it will be a very long winter in your household with the two of them, as they are today.
Your husband is trying to rescue his son and you are trying to rescue your husband. I would strongly suggest that you seek out some counseling for you to help sort this all out and choices you can make for a more peaceful life.
It’s amazing how his son didn’t NEED him or him NEEDING his son while on vacation!! Kind of gives you an idea of what life with no contact with an active A would be like.
Sorry you continue to struggle with their issues, it’s not easy.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 468
I am sorry, Sephra. What a tiring and difficult situation you're in.... You are not a jerk, you do not lack empathy, and you are not the bad guy. Actually, you seem to be the only level headed person involved right now. I hope you know and still believe that. Of course you did not cause this situation (AS and AGF did....), and you never asked for this. What you have done (from what I can see) is remained understanding, supportive, but firm in stating what you think would be a good step in the right direction (detachment). That seems to be biting you in the butt, as it oftentimes does, and that just sucks.....
My AH's step father is the one who put the foot down as far as him not being welcome over there willy nilly anymore... Granted he is now working on recovery, however he was not allowed over there at all for quite some time, and that came from his step father's mouth, not his mother's.... Of course I understood this, and of course AH was defensive, but guess what.... that made it very clear that his parents were not playing that game anymore, and, most importantly, he is in recovery now.
I know you understand this, but even when AS and AGF are using, they are well aware of what they are doing (manipulating, pulling strings, etc) and they are well aware of what they should be doing (asking for real help, not temporary band aids in the form of a bed to sleep in). Dad needs to do what I did - kick them out for good - and leave the line open for them to call if/when they are ready for REAL help. And if they call for that, there needs to be constant motion toward the source of help (rehab, etc).... Until then, I love you, but sleep outside.
My AH's step father is the one who put the foot down as far as him not being welcome over there willy nilly anymore... Granted he is now working on recovery, however he was not allowed over there at all for quite some time, and that came from his step father's mouth, not his mother's.... Of course I understood this, and of course AH was defensive, but guess what.... that made it very clear that his parents were not playing that game anymore, and, most importantly, he is in recovery now.
I know you understand this, but even when AS and AGF are using, they are well aware of what they are doing (manipulating, pulling strings, etc) and they are well aware of what they should be doing (asking for real help, not temporary band aids in the form of a bed to sleep in). Dad needs to do what I did - kick them out for good - and leave the line open for them to call if/when they are ready for REAL help. And if they call for that, there needs to be constant motion toward the source of help (rehab, etc).... Until then, I love you, but sleep outside.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 328
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Sadly, I took the role your husband did for a very long time. My AS has not been in my house for over a year now. It's hard, very hard but it has been so much more peaceful. I see now that I was not helping at all. Your husband would benefit from NarAnon or Al-Anon. Would he agree to go?
Praying for you!
Praying for you!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: NORTHFIELD
Posts: 188
Your husband would benefit from NarAnon or Al-Anon. Would he agree to go?*
Nope. He won't. I've gotten good insite and understanding from support groups for families of users. I am getting a better grip on being codependent. Which my husband definitely is.
The understanding and support this morning brought me to tears. I'm so glad this place is here during times like this. I just feel so so hopeless sometimes.
I've been clinically chronically depressed and medicated since I was a teen. I'm also ocd, and never really thought about how that impacts the situation, (Thank you Alterity!) and it definitely does, I see things very very black and white. Also living in an abusive first marriage and not feeling safe (especially during sleep, even during childhood actually) has impacted me a whole lot in my life. I worked really hard to build a safe stable life for myself. haha.
Nope. He won't. I've gotten good insite and understanding from support groups for families of users. I am getting a better grip on being codependent. Which my husband definitely is.
The understanding and support this morning brought me to tears. I'm so glad this place is here during times like this. I just feel so so hopeless sometimes.
I've been clinically chronically depressed and medicated since I was a teen. I'm also ocd, and never really thought about how that impacts the situation, (Thank you Alterity!) and it definitely does, I see things very very black and white. Also living in an abusive first marriage and not feeling safe (especially during sleep, even during childhood actually) has impacted me a whole lot in my life. I worked really hard to build a safe stable life for myself. haha.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: PA
Posts: 68
My heart goes out to you and your family!
But, you need to "stay the course" because if something does happen to Stepson, you know it will be your fault!
Dad needs to get some boundaries and stop rescuing him, it's tough...hardest thing he will ever have to do. Well, almost. I think the hardest thing would be to have to bury your child knowing that you allowed it to happen.
That's EXACTLY why I had to "walk away" from my son.......if he chooses to do this it's his decision...not MINE!
But, you need to "stay the course" because if something does happen to Stepson, you know it will be your fault!
Dad needs to get some boundaries and stop rescuing him, it's tough...hardest thing he will ever have to do. Well, almost. I think the hardest thing would be to have to bury your child knowing that you allowed it to happen.
That's EXACTLY why I had to "walk away" from my son.......if he chooses to do this it's his decision...not MINE!
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Join Date: Jun 2016
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Hey plink,
Can you tell me what you meant by this? I think I am missing the meaning?
But, you need to "stay the course" because if something does happen to Stepson, you know it will be your fault!
Can you tell me what you meant by this? I think I am missing the meaning?
But, you need to "stay the course" because if something does happen to Stepson, you know it will be your fault!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: PA
Posts: 68
Sephra, what I meant (and may not have said it very well) is that it sounds as if your husband is maybe not in complete denial but, he doesn't want to see his Son suffer......so if something (God forbid) does happen to your step son that he will be willing to place the blame on someone else...
Sounds as if you are the one able to "step back" and see the situation for what it is.
Hubby and I started this conversation when our AS was "using" us, "manipulating" us, we had to have the talk again, over and over again that we are not responsible for this and we are NOT to blame.
That's all I meant. I hope I did not offend you. If I did I am sorry. That was not my intention.
Sounds as if you are the one able to "step back" and see the situation for what it is.
Hubby and I started this conversation when our AS was "using" us, "manipulating" us, we had to have the talk again, over and over again that we are not responsible for this and we are NOT to blame.
That's all I meant. I hope I did not offend you. If I did I am sorry. That was not my intention.
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No offense at all! No worries. I think that there is definite truth in what you are saying, just wanted to make sure I was catching the meaning... sometimes intent gets confusing... I need all the insite and opinions I can get, it's pretty tough to offend me 
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I think he left me. Packed the suitcase we hadn't even unpacked from vac and took his toothbrush. Came home to an empty house. No note. But I guess what is there to say. I wasn't even sure for the first hour. But as it goes on with no word I guess it's sinking in.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Sephra, I am so sorry you are going through all this. Addiction really does affect the entire family.
I was going to suggest you turn the ringer off the phone at night, maybe at 9 pm or a time conducive to you getting a good night's sleep without the drama of addiction...which always seems to be worse in the middle of the night.
Actually, I will still suggest it. I am so sorry your husband left, leaving like that makes me suspect the stress has caused him to make his own bad choice.
This may be a good time for you to embrace the peace and decide what is best for you, for your future. I know my own health suffered during the worst days of my own son's addiction, maybe it's time to just take very good care of you and let everyone else deal with the chaos.
We're here and we care. I hope you get some rest tonight. Worry never changes the outcome, it just makes us sick while we wait.
Hugs
I was going to suggest you turn the ringer off the phone at night, maybe at 9 pm or a time conducive to you getting a good night's sleep without the drama of addiction...which always seems to be worse in the middle of the night.
Actually, I will still suggest it. I am so sorry your husband left, leaving like that makes me suspect the stress has caused him to make his own bad choice.
This may be a good time for you to embrace the peace and decide what is best for you, for your future. I know my own health suffered during the worst days of my own son's addiction, maybe it's time to just take very good care of you and let everyone else deal with the chaos.
We're here and we care. I hope you get some rest tonight. Worry never changes the outcome, it just makes us sick while we wait.
Hugs
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
The addict is addicted to the drugs the father is addicted to the addict. In both cases the solution is the same. Complete abstinence. You are not going to change either addict so detach with love and take care of yourself
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Join Date: Jun 2016
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He sent a quick text saying about where he was and that he would probably spend the night there. It's the first time he has left although he has threatened it twice before all in regards to issues with this particular child. His only son. I am ok I guess. But the next few days will be telling. I don't know how I feel but won't deal with back and forth. I don't think he gets that. Maybe he does and it's his way out. I don't want the relationship to end. I love him. But I can't drown either. I wrote a letter I 'll probably never give him. Felt a little better. I think shutting off the phone is my best bet. Have to think though I have an elderly mom I need to be on call for
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 468
(((Sephra))) I'm so sorry. I understand a strained marriage (and that's putting it lightly). I'm in one with my AH, and we don't live together. And that's just scratching the surface ��
Enough about me... Your husband is going through a journey of his own, and I am sure somewhere in his many thoughts is the thought that he can't keep doing this with/to his son... Those thoughts I'm sure are fighting the "he's my son, I can't abandone him" thoughts. A war is raging in his mind, and maybe space is what he could need to come to a rational conclusion. Or, maybe not. Maybe he will come back and still believe he is right in his codependency.... Either way, you have to know your boundaries, and what you will/will not accept any longer. Be thinking on that, really thinking on that, and decide what you will do for yourself.
Again, you are not at fault here. You are making rational decisions amongst irrational people right now. Please don't blame yourself no matter what comes out of their mouths. I'm sure your husband has good intentions with his son, which is what makes this so hard for you, but what about good intentions for you? The one who has not brought this upon the family? Be thinking about that.
I truly wish you well. If you feel you need more time/space, tell your husband that. He did take this first step, after all.
Enough about me... Your husband is going through a journey of his own, and I am sure somewhere in his many thoughts is the thought that he can't keep doing this with/to his son... Those thoughts I'm sure are fighting the "he's my son, I can't abandone him" thoughts. A war is raging in his mind, and maybe space is what he could need to come to a rational conclusion. Or, maybe not. Maybe he will come back and still believe he is right in his codependency.... Either way, you have to know your boundaries, and what you will/will not accept any longer. Be thinking on that, really thinking on that, and decide what you will do for yourself.
Again, you are not at fault here. You are making rational decisions amongst irrational people right now. Please don't blame yourself no matter what comes out of their mouths. I'm sure your husband has good intentions with his son, which is what makes this so hard for you, but what about good intentions for you? The one who has not brought this upon the family? Be thinking about that.
I truly wish you well. If you feel you need more time/space, tell your husband that. He did take this first step, after all.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Sephra....I can see that a period of time to let the intense emotions cool down, a bit.
I know that he is your stepson...but, even if he were your child also, this situation of having an addicted child (together) would still be like walking through a personal nightmare that is so bad that it is hard for words to describe.
In my opinion, it is sooo essential that both parents get onto the same page...or, at least, come to some kind of "understanding" with each other. Otherwise, the whole relationship can be damaged beyond repair.
I have seen it happen many, many times.
Blended families have their own unique set of dynamics...and, it can be really hard...
I know that he is your stepson...but, even if he were your child also, this situation of having an addicted child (together) would still be like walking through a personal nightmare that is so bad that it is hard for words to describe.
In my opinion, it is sooo essential that both parents get onto the same page...or, at least, come to some kind of "understanding" with each other. Otherwise, the whole relationship can be damaged beyond repair.
I have seen it happen many, many times.
Blended families have their own unique set of dynamics...and, it can be really hard...
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Join Date: Jun 2016
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Blended families.... what he doesn't seem to understand, is that I let his "kids" get away with far more than I would ever let my son. I never wanted to be a stepmom, they put me in that role way before I was ready for it, but I have loved those kids as my family for years. Been there. For them, supported them. Whole 9 yards, and to have it thrown in my face that I have it out for them, that's just a slap.
I did ok last night. Woke way to early this morning, too many thoughts running through my head. Thinking I'll probably text him telling him not to bother coming back today, IF he was even considering it. My mind is too much in flux. I've got some control in this. I need to take it back.
I did ok last night. Woke way to early this morning, too many thoughts running through my head. Thinking I'll probably text him telling him not to bother coming back today, IF he was even considering it. My mind is too much in flux. I've got some control in this. I need to take it back.
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