My Son Gave His Car Away Last Night For Crack

Old 08-21-2016, 05:18 PM
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My Son Gave His Car Away Last Night For Crack

Well, I'm back with bad news. My son was doing so much better. Working ever day and finally saved enough money for a car. I even chipped in some money to help him out so I wouldn't have to get up at 5:00 a.m. every morning to take him to work.

Well last night he drove down to the hood and spent all the money he had on crack. Then when all his money was gone, he told the crack dealer he could have his car and his cell phone for more crack.

He called me this morning to tell me he no longer had a car or a phone and that he had given them to the crack dealer for more crack and wanted me to come pick him up. I was furious and refused to pick him up. He found his way to the place he goes for drug meetings and called from there and asked if I would pick him up there. I finally went and got him. So all day he has just been happy as a lark like nothing has happened at all. Watching football, washing clothes, laughing and talking and could not care less that he has given his car and phone away.

I told him I could no longer get up at 5:00 a.m. and take him to work anymore and he had the nerve to ask me why!

I cannot take this any longer. What now?
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Old 08-21-2016, 05:30 PM
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give him the boot.

would have been best to NOT rescue him for him his own choices. and bringing him to your home and then letting him have all the luxuries fo a home YOU pay for and work hard for while he went and blew everything on dope TELLS HIM its ok.

if he's a big enough man to go to the hood and trade in his car and phone for dope, he's man enough to figure out what next to do with HIS life.

and let him know how much he now owes you for the amount you contributed to the car.
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Old 08-21-2016, 05:36 PM
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i agree with anvillhead.

this
"So all day he has just been happy as a lark like nothing has happened at all. Watching football, washing clothes, laughing and talking and could not care less that he has given his car and phone away."

would be me basically sayin," phew, she bailed me out again so all is good.shes still my enabler."

what now? are you sick and tired of the circus and ready to do whatever you have to do to step off the merry-go-round?
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Old 08-21-2016, 06:07 PM
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What people are saying really makes sense. If he has a job to get to, BTW, why are you taking him? Then he can go to the job and make money and find a place to stay. I've struggled with a lot with my AS and his heroin addiction, but he's never done anything as extreme as that. has blown all his money and I have continued to help him within varying amounts from time to time and have come to his rescue when he got kicked out of his place. But it's always the same thing.....does dope, says he's looking for work, wants to quit, etc...sometimes works....but always the dope. No amount of help I've given him or letting him stay with me has really done anything more than prolong his problems and my suffering and lack of peace in my home. Your son does need help. I would have found it easier to give him the boot when he had the car so at least he could have slept in it. Clearly he isn't experiencing the consequences of his actions. If this is your first time dealing with this, I understand it is hard. At the very least he should be permitted to hang out all day and think nothing of it. He's probably celebrating the fact that he can! I'm sorry but what will he do now is something he has to figure out, starting with where he will live and how to get to work. If he has $ he can get a room somewhere for now or stay in a transitional living. Doesn't sound healthy for you for him to be there .
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Old 08-21-2016, 06:45 PM
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I would like for him to repay some of the money I spent on helping him buy a car first before I make him leave. He can find his own way to work and back from now on. If I kick him out now, I will never see a penny of the money I helped buy the car with. Getting to an from work now is his own problem. I not helping with that any more. I have to say that this is the most extreme thing he has ever done for drugs, but it doesn't seem to bother him a bit that he gave his car away.
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Old 08-21-2016, 06:51 PM
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Also, he has received help many, many, many times from rehab, drug and alcohol programs, hospitals, jail over the years...and nothing has helped. He is 43 years old and this has been going on for 25 years of his life. I don't think there is any hope for him.
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Old 08-21-2016, 07:08 PM
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Glad you're beginning to see the light. A 43 year old man should clearly be able to live on his own and handle things. It's not a question of whether or not there is hope for him, but it sounds like you are coming to terms with the fact that there is no hope in you continuing to rescue him and help him. Only he can do that if he wants the help. Sometimes extreme things like what happened are just the wake up call we need to finally get the fact that we cannot get them sober, no matter how much we help, support, etc. I am learning that the longer I let my AS stay in my house and rescue him every time a situation doesn't work out, the more I am prolonging his addiction and making it easier for him, rather than seek to get help to get clean. I don't know how much $ you invested in the car, but in whatever you decide to do, you probably should make sure your valuable are secure or elsewhere. I don't want to be harsh , but if someone is selling a car and phone to get drugs, who knows what they might do next? Just weigh out the choices carefully and only you can figure out at what cost your sanity, secuirty, and peace is worth waiting to be repaid.
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Old 08-21-2016, 07:14 PM
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Good karma, I found going to meetings where I can get support also helpful. I found Families Anonymous to be helpful for me. There are other meetings under Al anon . If there are no meetings in your area or close enough to get to, Families Anonymous does have online meetings and support online. It has helped me, besides this forum to have the support of a meeting to help me take care of me.
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Old 08-22-2016, 10:09 AM
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GoodKarma, my AS is also 43 and it was just a little over a year ago that we found out how bad his addiction was.
It is the hardest thing a Mother will ever have to do but, you have to have "tough love"!

Our AS turned our world upside down with his addiction and until we were able to finally "let go" with love we were on that Merry Go Round.

I think it was Zoso who said to me when I said I was tired of this Merry Go Round he simply said, "So, get off" that really hit home for me. So DH and I did. We told him "NO" more times than I can count, for "favors" for him.

He has moved out of state and we really do not have contact with him. He says he is trying to get his life together. We pray that he does. But, our life has become so much simpler and quiet with out him in it.

I feel bad and I pray for him everyday but, he's made his choices now HE has to live with it!

This forum is a wonderful help especially on the really hard days....
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Old 08-22-2016, 10:45 AM
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perhaps it's time to let the 43 year old live like a grown up all his own, instead of hanging on mom's couch watching football like he's 14?

are YOU ready to stop enabling?
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Old 08-22-2016, 11:14 AM
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I would like for him to repay some of the money I spent on helping him buy a car first before I make him leave. He can find his own way to work and back from now on. If I kick him out now, I will never see a penny of the money I helped buy the car with. Getting to an from work now is his own problem. I not helping with that any more.
And when this 43 year old MAN decides he can’t get himself to work, no money to repay you, then what?

Does he pay rent, help with YOUR utilities, food ?
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Old 08-22-2016, 11:28 AM
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Trust me......he's never going to repay you....we gave our AS so much money and help if we waited for repayment we'd have to wait till hell freezes over!
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Old 08-22-2016, 11:51 AM
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I think you need to just write off the money for the car. It is very doubtful that you will ever see a penny of that money, and if you do it will be a pleasant surprise. In the meantime he is continuing to cost you money every day just by feeding him and paying utilities while he lives with you. Believe me I know how hard it is but for his sake it is best to let go. Prayers
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Old 08-22-2016, 12:46 PM
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He doesn't live in my house with me. He lives in my garage apartment which is separate from my house. He buys his own food. He did pay rent, but I told him to just repay the money he borrowed for the car. He is bipolar and takes meds for depression also, so that also makes it hard to kick him out if he were to run out of his medicine.

It is really just not as simple as saying "Get Out" and put him in the street. I have to say if that is what you people did with your loved one, you are much more heartless or stronger than me.
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Old 08-22-2016, 12:57 PM
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you've been here off and on for YEARS GK, always before it was about an addicted PARTNERS that you struggled to deal with and let go of, including a crack addict, now it's your addicted SON that you are struggling with.

i don't think this is really about THEM at all.............but about your own need to try and RESCUE at least one addict. maybe?
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Old 08-22-2016, 01:05 PM
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GoodKarma,
None of us are "heartless," we are all quite strong. More importantly, we are practicing boundaries, self respect, self love, etc. You see, that's the thing, a lot of us (myself included) have been in your position. The painful reality is sometimes we "think we're helping our addict," but in reality, we're actually hurting them more & preventing them from feeling the pain consequences of their actions/behavior. Unfortunately, until you set some firm boundaries, your addict will continue to take advantage of your love and kindness.

When you're exhausted enough and ready for a change, you'll be ready to try something different. Insanity is doing the same thing over & over again and expecting different results. Sending you prayers. Taking the first step is hard.
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Old 08-22-2016, 01:22 PM
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no,we are not heartless. what we all decided is we werent going to literally love our loved ones to death- no more digging their grave while we suffered working on our own graves,too.
25 years of this.
i hope ya stop using bi polar and depression as an excuse to not let go.
and
bipolar and depression are horrible excuses to not grow up and take responsability and accountability for ones own life. i know a LOT of people with both ( personally im on a med for depression) that are clean and/or sober that have done that. he can,too.

im not sure what ya want from us,GK. if you want us to cosign the insanity and give you suggestions to keep destroying both of you, thats not going to happen.

when was the last time your son had to be a responsable adult? when was the last time he had to face the consequences for his actions without your interference?

who takes care of HIS meds?
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Old 08-22-2016, 01:26 PM
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He is bipolar and takes meds for depression also, so that also makes it hard to kick him out if he were to run out of his medicine.
Do you hand him his bipolar pills every day? Make him swallow them?

It makes no sense to NOT make him pay rent in order to pay you back for the money he loaned you for a car. What does that do besides still leave you short on money?

I have to say if that is what you people did with your loved one, you are much more heartless or stronger than me.
I think heartless is for a grown man in his 40’s to be so reliant on his mommy and his mommy so needing him to be. If heaven forbid something were to happen to you – who would then step in to your role and take care of him like you do? How would he survive?
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Old 08-22-2016, 01:26 PM
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Excuse me...but I'm not trying to rescue anyone. I got rid of the addict partner didn't I? He's been gone for years. I certainly didn't choose for my son to be an addict either. I'm just not ready to see my son living under a bridge yet or dead.
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Old 08-22-2016, 01:33 PM
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im really confused at how your actions arent considered rescueing.
can you give me some insight?
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