Hello and thank you so much (first post on SR)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: big city in Europe
Posts: 6
Hello and thank you so much (first post on SR)
Dear all,
I’ve been reading here for almost 1 year, became member some months ago but this is my first post. Commitment is not easy for me, even online.
I spend almost the whole day today reading here and it saved me from going insane after a dreadful Christmas day with a dreadful breakup/drama with a person I was hoping to have a good time with.
The year ending has been a very bad one for me. In summer I broke up with my boyfriend of 19 years who was a sober alcoholic for all this time (and still is sober) but became more and more “dry addict” after the diagnosis of a severe neurological disease about 7 years ago. I only then started to discover my own co-dependent behavior and the way the addict/codie dynamics influenced – and eventually ruined – our love even if my boyfriend stayed substance sober all the time.
In the same summer my father died (mostly from age and also from illness after an almost lifelong addiction). He had been a functioning long-time abuser of prescription drugs/narcotics/pain killers and was addicted heavily on morphine during the last years of his life with no real medical need. I started to understand about his addiction only some years ago but am still figuring out how his addictive personality has influenced me and our whole family during all of his life.
So a lot broke apart recently. In summer I started having an affair with a guy who is – guess what – functioning addict in so many ways I cannot count them all (eating disorder, cocaine, alcohol, painkillers) with all the behavior that goes with it. And guess what – I didn’t care. I liked him so much. I felt so very familiar and comfortable with him. I thought, things would be different with him because he “is different”. Which of course he isn’t and they weren’t.
I often come to SR in hours of darkness and find so much strength here, so much inspiration. I am also in therapy for almost one year. Therapy more goes to my brain and thinking. Reading SR goes to my heart and feelings. Seeing that I am not born just totally f*** up, but my behavior and feelings follow certain patterns that I have learned growing up in a dysfunctional surrounding. And, more important, that it is possible to take responsibility for my own life and to re-learn some of the things that I got wrong in the first place.
Thank all of you so very much for sharing your wisdom and experience. And especially to make it possible for people like me, who have a hard time commiting to a group or forum, to make this wisdom openly available – so I can sneak in anonymously without having to cross a threshold first. This seems to be very important for me sometimes. I might also sneak in without login in the future sometimes just because I cannot stand to "show" myself. I hope that makes sense. I am not a native English speaker, so please forgive if my words sound weird.
Thank you so very much for being there. This is what I feel everytime when I go to SR.
Suzan
I’ve been reading here for almost 1 year, became member some months ago but this is my first post. Commitment is not easy for me, even online.
I spend almost the whole day today reading here and it saved me from going insane after a dreadful Christmas day with a dreadful breakup/drama with a person I was hoping to have a good time with.
The year ending has been a very bad one for me. In summer I broke up with my boyfriend of 19 years who was a sober alcoholic for all this time (and still is sober) but became more and more “dry addict” after the diagnosis of a severe neurological disease about 7 years ago. I only then started to discover my own co-dependent behavior and the way the addict/codie dynamics influenced – and eventually ruined – our love even if my boyfriend stayed substance sober all the time.
In the same summer my father died (mostly from age and also from illness after an almost lifelong addiction). He had been a functioning long-time abuser of prescription drugs/narcotics/pain killers and was addicted heavily on morphine during the last years of his life with no real medical need. I started to understand about his addiction only some years ago but am still figuring out how his addictive personality has influenced me and our whole family during all of his life.
So a lot broke apart recently. In summer I started having an affair with a guy who is – guess what – functioning addict in so many ways I cannot count them all (eating disorder, cocaine, alcohol, painkillers) with all the behavior that goes with it. And guess what – I didn’t care. I liked him so much. I felt so very familiar and comfortable with him. I thought, things would be different with him because he “is different”. Which of course he isn’t and they weren’t.
I often come to SR in hours of darkness and find so much strength here, so much inspiration. I am also in therapy for almost one year. Therapy more goes to my brain and thinking. Reading SR goes to my heart and feelings. Seeing that I am not born just totally f*** up, but my behavior and feelings follow certain patterns that I have learned growing up in a dysfunctional surrounding. And, more important, that it is possible to take responsibility for my own life and to re-learn some of the things that I got wrong in the first place.
Thank all of you so very much for sharing your wisdom and experience. And especially to make it possible for people like me, who have a hard time commiting to a group or forum, to make this wisdom openly available – so I can sneak in anonymously without having to cross a threshold first. This seems to be very important for me sometimes. I might also sneak in without login in the future sometimes just because I cannot stand to "show" myself. I hope that makes sense. I am not a native English speaker, so please forgive if my words sound weird.
Thank you so very much for being there. This is what I feel everytime when I go to SR.
Suzan
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,010
Welcome Suzan! Your English looks perfect to me.
Congrats for recognizing your own dysfunctional traits and stepping up to do what you can. I'm sorry your Christmas wasn't exactly merry. I'm afraid this is the situation for many. Keep posting and/or reading.
Congrats for recognizing your own dysfunctional traits and stepping up to do what you can. I'm sorry your Christmas wasn't exactly merry. I'm afraid this is the situation for many. Keep posting and/or reading.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I felt so very familiar and comfortable with him. I thought, things would be different with him because he “is different”. Which of course he isn’t and they weren’t.
No wonder you felt familiar and comfortable, this new fellow fit right in with what your life had become.
The good news for both of us is that it doesn't have to stay that way. I was uncomfortable early in recovery, I didn't know what to expect or how to handle life in a healthy way. But I went to meetings and began working 12 steps that literally saved my life.
You have sought help and you reached out here, that's a darn good start.
I am glad you joined us and hope you find comfort and courage both here.
Hugs
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
