How do you do it....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 88
How do you do it....
When it's all said and done.... How do you move on? I can't imagine my engagement and current world being over - I can't wrap my brain around an addiction ..... Heroin.... Ruining my relationship. Taking away my soulmate, my heartbeat, the beautiful person I once thanked the lord above for (before OxyContin came in to play and turned into injecting heroin) ...... I found a needle in his truck the day after Christmas, exactly a month since he finished an inpatient rehab program. Ugh my heart, I have moved out, but how do you erase this pain in your heart. It seems impossible???? As we all know this isn't a normal breakup.... This is breaking out of a world filled with lies, pain, heartache, hope, prayer, begging and pleading..... Life or death. I don't know how I'll ever get past this.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 124
I posted the practically the exact same question yesterday. Sounds like we are in similar situations. I was doing better but today feel like I've been kicked in the metaphorical balls. Today is really really bad. I've been told it's a marathon, not a sprint, and it does come with several kicks to the crotch.
I feel for you very much. This is one of two of the hardest breakups I have ever been through. It's a mental trip, more so than a more typical relationship and break up. It leaves you feeling somehow responsible for it all. It leaves you feeling like less of a person, even in the moments when logic dictates otherwise.
I've found a little bit of relief in reading up about addiction and going to Nar Anon and Al Anon. But unfortunately I don't have the answer to this question. Really really wish I did.
I feel for you very much. This is one of two of the hardest breakups I have ever been through. It's a mental trip, more so than a more typical relationship and break up. It leaves you feeling somehow responsible for it all. It leaves you feeling like less of a person, even in the moments when logic dictates otherwise.
I've found a little bit of relief in reading up about addiction and going to Nar Anon and Al Anon. But unfortunately I don't have the answer to this question. Really really wish I did.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
well, it's a process....no two ways about it.....the only way OUT is THROUGH.
i think also looking at how deeply entwined with your chosen other you became can be a good point of reflection. i always twinge when i read "soul mate" or "one and only" or "my world" - because the fact 'o the matter is....you are still WHOLE....all arms and legs and internal organs are still intact and functioning. the world still spins on it's slightly tilted axis, and a good portion the entire world just celebrated some VERY big holidays/religious days. LIFE goes on.....
it totally sux to have relationships just blow up - i remember when my husband left me for my best friend while i had a baby under 1 yr old on my shoulder. that moment when its really OVER hits seems so sudden....but in fact it had been in the works for weeks or months. and if things do blow up big like that than they truly were not meant to be, NO MATTER HOW MUCH WE WANTED THEM TO.
give yourself time. get some kind of F2F support.
i think also looking at how deeply entwined with your chosen other you became can be a good point of reflection. i always twinge when i read "soul mate" or "one and only" or "my world" - because the fact 'o the matter is....you are still WHOLE....all arms and legs and internal organs are still intact and functioning. the world still spins on it's slightly tilted axis, and a good portion the entire world just celebrated some VERY big holidays/religious days. LIFE goes on.....
it totally sux to have relationships just blow up - i remember when my husband left me for my best friend while i had a baby under 1 yr old on my shoulder. that moment when its really OVER hits seems so sudden....but in fact it had been in the works for weeks or months. and if things do blow up big like that than they truly were not meant to be, NO MATTER HOW MUCH WE WANTED THEM TO.
give yourself time. get some kind of F2F support.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by Nelly1 
When it's all said and done.... How do you move on? I can't imagine my engagement and current world being over - I can't wrap my brain around an addiction ..... Heroin.... Ruining my relationship. Taking away my soulmate, my heartbeat, the beautiful person I once thanked the lord above for (before OxyContin came in to play and turned into injecting heroin) ...... I found a needle in his truck the day after Christmas, exactly a month since he finished an inpatient rehab program. Ugh my heart, I have moved out, but how do you erase this pain in your heart. It seems impossible???? As we all know this isn't a normal breakup.... This is breaking out of a world filled with lies, pain, heartache, hope, prayer, begging and pleading..... Life or death. I don't know how I'll ever get past this.
I'm not going to lie to you or blow sunshine up your backside, Nelly. Your life, in the short term, is going to suck and suck badly. It's the price we pay for being human and for having strong feelings for other people who, for one reason or another, we have to leave behind. And he will, for good or for ill, always be a part of you. What you will learn how to do, in time, is adapt to a new life, one without him. Sure, you'll miss him. But you won't miss the nonsense, the drama, and the worrying. You'll come to appreciate the sanity that your new life brings, and you'll recognize that it's a gift, one you should never be taken for granted.
What I encourage you to do is to reach out to others in your life and focus on nurturing and fortifying those relationships. For those relationships are equally important in their own right. Allow others you care about and who care about you to shoulder some of your pain.
What helped me was deciding what I wanted to do with my life and taking ultimate charge of it in order to make sure I was doing what I wanted to do -- professionally, academically, musically, getting back into shape, etc. Those were things that, for me, helped me heal after being through the ringer with my AGF. So decide what's important to you. Decide what you want to do. Challenge yourself. Set one small goal a day, and then meet it. It could be simply making your bed, or washing the dishes.
Anyways, this is a lot. Head down, one foot in front of the other, shoulder out, and take this period head on, on your terms. Because when you're going through hell, keep going.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 412
Hi Nelly1,
Sending you some love and support because I know how tough it is.
I vividly remember the day I left. I was so scared, kind of in shock, and it was as though I wasn't even in my body as I packed up my stuff, got a taxi and left.
It's so weird.
I'm 9 months out now and I can tell you this - it DOES get better.
It's true it is a marathon not a sprint, and it is way more of a mind**** than a normal breakup because of the lies, confusion, dashed hopes and manipulation of addiction.
What has been ultra hard is that people who have not dealt with addiction have NO understanding of what it is like to leave an addicted loved one. They have no clue and so they are really no help to you. I also found it so hard being shunned by all his family and those in his life who are in various degrees of denial and/or believe the stuff he tells them...
It DOES get easier though.
It helps to remember - I too was / am some level of denial.
How it gets better - the first few weeks I was literally just functioning, doing the bare minimum I needed to do each day to stay alive and keep things ticking over. If I got up, had a shower and ate some food I was OK with that at that point.
I decided I was going to be really kind to myself and gentle. I gave myself a lot of praise for each tiny task. It's actually quite funny thinking back - In my head I'd be like "Hey you had a shower! Well done, you are doing so great! You are doing REALLY well, keep going". As I said anyone who has not experienced loving an addict wouldn't get it!
After a couple of months I got a job in the place I had moved to. That helped because then there were larger chunks of the day when my mind was occupied with other stuff which meant I couldn't dwell.
Then I got a rescue dog. She needed all my care and attention and she also gives me a lot of love. My life started to fill up with activities with her. When you are focused on loving and caring for something or someone else like a pet or a child (not a grown addict!) again it refocuses your mind.
That doesn't mean I didn't think (and sometimes obsess) about him. I did and sometimes still do. And when I catch myself I can focus on something else (like learning a new skill online).
When I stopped looking at his Facebook that was a big step and helped me. Although sometimes I still get tempted I noticed / realised that I am really harming and upsetting myself that way. My life is precious, I began to realise how I spend my time is important - if I waste it doing things that will upset me how can I ever do any good in the world? How would I ever feel good? And that is important.
My reaction to his addiction and subsequently leaving caused me pain before, and if *I* keep looking at his FB etc then *I* am simply causing me MORE pain, over and over, nothing to do with him.
I gently allowed my feelings to come up and process. I chose not to have counselling, although it was purely for financial reasons and if I had been in a different financial situation I probably would have. I read here a lot when I felt desperate or needed support.
Gradually I noticed moments of light or happiness creeping into my days. They had always been there the moments it's just that I began to feel them again and they became more frequent as the time went on.
Those moments of light and happiness began to grow, I spent more time there and less focused on him or what happened.
Recently I noticed that the feelings about him and what happened are just, well... not so raw.
I started to really think about the possibilities for MY future.
It was like light coming in.
I began to feel hope again for my own self and that I could feel joy again and have a good life / do the things I would love to do.
I began to SEE POSSIBILITIES again and really see a different / better life for myself again. I started to focus on what I need to do in order to make that life for myself.
I STILL think about him and the time we shared (we had some amazing times as I know many did with their addicts / ex's) and yes I still miss those times, although I began to notice that in some ways perhaps I miss the companionship of having someone to share experiences with more than the actual person.
I like what we did and there were big holes in the relationship.
I certainly don't miss what we became, what he became...
Sometimes it still hurts and in time your focus just shifts.
I think I am one of the lucky ones (no kids, no house bought together etc) and I will always care about him, it's just that my life is moving in a different direction now.
And that is OK with me.
It's weird I have had ex's in the past where I have cared so much and felt the pain of breakup so acutely, and now when I look back I don't feel anything, except just perhaps a kind of mild noticing that we were not good life partners, so I fully expect that in time this will happen with him too.
Although of course he was / is my husband, and that will always mean something to me. It DOESN'T mean we should be together though!
I see that.
This post has become really long.
And I just wanted to say you can't see it now (I couldn't), you can't imagine your current world being over (I couldn't, he was my main friend and we had traveled together for the past year perviously) and it WILL get better. You WILL move on and there is life after addiction for you.
Big hugs.
Sending you some love and support because I know how tough it is.
I vividly remember the day I left. I was so scared, kind of in shock, and it was as though I wasn't even in my body as I packed up my stuff, got a taxi and left.
It's so weird.
I'm 9 months out now and I can tell you this - it DOES get better.
It's true it is a marathon not a sprint, and it is way more of a mind**** than a normal breakup because of the lies, confusion, dashed hopes and manipulation of addiction.
What has been ultra hard is that people who have not dealt with addiction have NO understanding of what it is like to leave an addicted loved one. They have no clue and so they are really no help to you. I also found it so hard being shunned by all his family and those in his life who are in various degrees of denial and/or believe the stuff he tells them...
It DOES get easier though.
It helps to remember - I too was / am some level of denial.
How it gets better - the first few weeks I was literally just functioning, doing the bare minimum I needed to do each day to stay alive and keep things ticking over. If I got up, had a shower and ate some food I was OK with that at that point.
I decided I was going to be really kind to myself and gentle. I gave myself a lot of praise for each tiny task. It's actually quite funny thinking back - In my head I'd be like "Hey you had a shower! Well done, you are doing so great! You are doing REALLY well, keep going". As I said anyone who has not experienced loving an addict wouldn't get it!
After a couple of months I got a job in the place I had moved to. That helped because then there were larger chunks of the day when my mind was occupied with other stuff which meant I couldn't dwell.
Then I got a rescue dog. She needed all my care and attention and she also gives me a lot of love. My life started to fill up with activities with her. When you are focused on loving and caring for something or someone else like a pet or a child (not a grown addict!) again it refocuses your mind.
That doesn't mean I didn't think (and sometimes obsess) about him. I did and sometimes still do. And when I catch myself I can focus on something else (like learning a new skill online).
When I stopped looking at his Facebook that was a big step and helped me. Although sometimes I still get tempted I noticed / realised that I am really harming and upsetting myself that way. My life is precious, I began to realise how I spend my time is important - if I waste it doing things that will upset me how can I ever do any good in the world? How would I ever feel good? And that is important.
My reaction to his addiction and subsequently leaving caused me pain before, and if *I* keep looking at his FB etc then *I* am simply causing me MORE pain, over and over, nothing to do with him.
I gently allowed my feelings to come up and process. I chose not to have counselling, although it was purely for financial reasons and if I had been in a different financial situation I probably would have. I read here a lot when I felt desperate or needed support.
Gradually I noticed moments of light or happiness creeping into my days. They had always been there the moments it's just that I began to feel them again and they became more frequent as the time went on.
Those moments of light and happiness began to grow, I spent more time there and less focused on him or what happened.
Recently I noticed that the feelings about him and what happened are just, well... not so raw.
I started to really think about the possibilities for MY future.
It was like light coming in.
I began to feel hope again for my own self and that I could feel joy again and have a good life / do the things I would love to do.
I began to SEE POSSIBILITIES again and really see a different / better life for myself again. I started to focus on what I need to do in order to make that life for myself.
I STILL think about him and the time we shared (we had some amazing times as I know many did with their addicts / ex's) and yes I still miss those times, although I began to notice that in some ways perhaps I miss the companionship of having someone to share experiences with more than the actual person.
I like what we did and there were big holes in the relationship.
I certainly don't miss what we became, what he became...
Sometimes it still hurts and in time your focus just shifts.
I think I am one of the lucky ones (no kids, no house bought together etc) and I will always care about him, it's just that my life is moving in a different direction now.
And that is OK with me.
It's weird I have had ex's in the past where I have cared so much and felt the pain of breakup so acutely, and now when I look back I don't feel anything, except just perhaps a kind of mild noticing that we were not good life partners, so I fully expect that in time this will happen with him too.
Although of course he was / is my husband, and that will always mean something to me. It DOESN'T mean we should be together though!
I see that.
This post has become really long.
And I just wanted to say you can't see it now (I couldn't), you can't imagine your current world being over (I couldn't, he was my main friend and we had traveled together for the past year perviously) and it WILL get better. You WILL move on and there is life after addiction for you.
Big hugs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 88
Thank you all so much for your replies! I can't tell you how much it means to me. It's been three days and yet I feel like it's been a second, thankfully I am working double shifts until Thursday night so I am so preoccupied with work and haven't even had time to process the actual situation. I walk around like a zombie, when I have tables come in and they are cute normal couples I have to fight back the tears. Why can't it be my life?? Our life? Why is addiction even a factor..... I've spent the last year trying to save him from heroin, it's just not fair..... I hate this drug. It's ruined his whole life, his families life, heck even my dogs life....... Ugh, again. Thank you all for the kind words and lengthy responses! big hugs to all of you* your support is so much so appreciated
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 412
Originally Posted by Nelly1
Why can't it be my life??
I remember the pain. I remember the heartache and asking that same question and fighting against it with every fibre of my being.
Although I don't have any solid answers it does help me to think bigger. I am not religious and yet I do have faith, that God / The Universe / my Higher Power has a plan. Heck, who knows, perhaps even 'life' isn't what we all think it is.
I know none of that helps with the immediate pain, however surrendering, even just a little, to something bigger than me really helps.
Big hugs today.
You will be fine. You are doing such a brave thing.
When I went through it I just wanted someone to reassure me so I hope that I can reassure you a little bit - you see I wasn't sure if I was doing the right thing in leaving. Now I am sure that it was the right thing.
Big hugs.
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