The pain isn't easing. Please help.
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He talks so damn zen sometimes. "You're always going to get your focus. We worried this would happen so now it has." Like the reason he left was predestined because I worried he might leave so I wanted to take things slow. It's my fault for being cautious. If I had focused on a happy ending he wouldn't have had to leave me. "One thing I know is when you want something that isn't reality you're going to suffer." Sometimes he says these things. And he sounds so at peace. Like he isn't hurt at all. And then he says he is sorry he f!cked it all up and he is as good as he is bad and for some reason he can't seem to shake it now, if ever. I ask him to stick with me and get through this. I tell him I'm sorry for my part and I know I can do better. He says he doesn't trust it to be better, but he loves me. Sure. Right. Glad he is totally fine and I'm the only one mourning the loss of something he always claimed meant so much to him.
Sarah
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Originally Posted by Priscilla84 
I'm sorry you guys are going through this too. Thank you so much for taking the time to give me words of support.
I've been reading so much about addiction. Some of it makes sense, but some of it (and I know I will sound terribly naive now).. But some of it doesn't sound like MY addict.
I hear of these relationships full of turmoil and fighting. Of constant disappearing for days at a time. Of insults. Stealing. Lying. I know it was only 14 months but it was such a consistent 14 months. Never raised his voice. Never got angry. Never disappeared. His actions always matched his words and intentions. He never wavered in his feelings for me or intentions for our future. I never saw a crack. Never saw any indication that he wasn't who he was saying he was. He worked. He took care of his kid, and he was with me. Even now since he has been gone he has these moments where he seems so full of clarity and he is so well spoken that i wonder if I am making this out to be more than it is. Maybe he knows what he can handle and he isn't overdoing it, or isn't doing hard drugs. He keeps referring to this as a phase. He just wants to explore his dark side right now and once he gets through this phase he will get his life together.
Maybe he is in control. Maybe he has it figured out. Maybe I'm just crazy and imagining things.
I've been reading so much about addiction. Some of it makes sense, but some of it (and I know I will sound terribly naive now).. But some of it doesn't sound like MY addict.
I hear of these relationships full of turmoil and fighting. Of constant disappearing for days at a time. Of insults. Stealing. Lying. I know it was only 14 months but it was such a consistent 14 months. Never raised his voice. Never got angry. Never disappeared. His actions always matched his words and intentions. He never wavered in his feelings for me or intentions for our future. I never saw a crack. Never saw any indication that he wasn't who he was saying he was. He worked. He took care of his kid, and he was with me. Even now since he has been gone he has these moments where he seems so full of clarity and he is so well spoken that i wonder if I am making this out to be more than it is. Maybe he knows what he can handle and he isn't overdoing it, or isn't doing hard drugs. He keeps referring to this as a phase. He just wants to explore his dark side right now and once he gets through this phase he will get his life together.
Maybe he is in control. Maybe he has it figured out. Maybe I'm just crazy and imagining things.
Peace and love to you!
Sarah
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Thank you. I'm so disheartened. I took several steps backwards this weekend. I guess I was naively optimistic, as usual, because I thought I would be okay by now. A month later. I thought in two weeks I would be fine. And I'm no better than I was the day he left. I did make mistakes in the relationship. There were times I was distant. There were times I was irritable. That's why I can't stop blaming myself. I hear everyone else say "I was so good to him, I was so loving," and I know I could have been better. It hurts. Like, maybe he was right to go because I don't deserve him, and he is now back to the drugs and alcohol to celebrate being rid of the horrible woman he was tied down by for 14 months. Maybe he has this under control.
I'm sad that other people's addicts come back after a few days , or maybe weeks, and mine isn't.
I'm sad that other people's addicts come back after a few days , or maybe weeks, and mine isn't.
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I'm sad that other people's addicts come back after a few days , or maybe weeks, and mine isn't.
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Originally Posted by Priscilla84
Thank you, Zoso. You are right when you say I am trying to understand someone who does not understand himself. I spend every second of every day analyzing every word he has ever said to me, trying to make it all make sense to me. Drugs and addiction are so far out of my wheelhouse, I can't even begin to grasp choosing anything over love. Over another human being. I don't understand. Maybe there is no way for it to make sense to my brain, the way my brain works. Sometimes when I'm analyzing every word and action from him I tell myself that I may as well take one piece from 50 different puzzles and try to fit them together and make a cohesive picture. Maybe analyzing his brain, when he claims to not even understand it himself, is a fruitless task. But that doesn't stop me. It doesn't stop the questions. Was anything ever real? Does he even miss me? Will he ever care about any of this? Will he ever regret it?
As someone who can't just walk away from a person so easily, and yes, someone who doesn't have an overpowering addiction, I just can't accept these things that don't make sense to me. Thirty days later and I still can't eat, can't sleep, can't calm down, and can hardly function.
Thank you again for your response.
As someone who can't just walk away from a person so easily, and yes, someone who doesn't have an overpowering addiction, I just can't accept these things that don't make sense to me. Thirty days later and I still can't eat, can't sleep, can't calm down, and can hardly function.
Thank you again for your response.
Their brains are hijacked. Their relationships is with the drug.
In the meantime, limit/no contact until he's sober and in a program. Otherwise, it's a crap shoot.
Sarah
Join Date: Nov 2015
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Originally Posted by Priscilla84
Thank you. I'm so disheartened. I took several steps backwards this weekend. I guess I was naively optimistic, as usual, because I thought I would be okay by now. A month later. I thought in two weeks I would be fine. And I'm no better than I was the day he left. I did make mistakes in the relationship. There were times I was distant. There were times I was irritable. That's why I can't stop blaming myself. I hear everyone else say "I was so good to him, I was so loving," and I know I could have been better. It hurts. Like, maybe he was right to go because I don't deserve him, and he is now back to the drugs and alcohol to celebrate being rid of the horrible woman he was tied down by for 14 months. Maybe he has this under control.
I'm sad that other people's addicts come back after a few days , or maybe weeks, and mine isn't.
I'm sad that other people's addicts come back after a few days , or maybe weeks, and mine isn't.
There isn't a perfect relationship out there anywhere!! Everyone has moments of irritability and being distant. We all get caught up in our own day to day issues and responsibilities. That is normal and that is life. It may have even been a reaction to his behavior. Blaming yourself only gives this pain the control that you don't want it to have. It may take longer then you had expected but that just shows how obvious your love for him is and how much you care. I hope that you will consider some counseling or going to a nar-anon group. Loving an addict and figuring out how to let go of an addict is so very torturous & different then a normal break up. Needing some extra support and the tools to get through is normal and exactly why they have groups for us, the family and loved ones. I am currently reading the *new* guide to working the 12 steps for codependents. You can find it on the Home page as a Sticky. It's good and it's helpful. We do not realize how much control we have given to them when we love them too much, when we are so desperate for them to love us in return, we forfeit our ability to take care of ourselves and we don't even realize it. Your well being is so very important. It breaks my heart that it makes you sad that your addict hasn't returned.... Your addict hasn't been an active addict with you in day to day life... In his eyes returning to you may mean he can only do it if he is clean. He isn't ready to do that. AND that is no reflection on you! At all!! The secret life of an addict is not your norm and he knows that. I promise you though, you don't want it to be your norm. Imagine feeling as badly as you do now with him in your life, day in and day out never feeling loved or wanted. All relationships take a back seat, hell more like a trunk or roof rack to the love and want the drugs hold for them. You are being far too hard on yourself. He is using again because he chose to!! You did not make him or push him or drive him to... Do not own his drug abuse. You have to build yourself back up! Keep your head up, look forward not back and smile! Much love and prayers your way.
SARAH
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Why didn't he ever tell me this might happen?! He knew it was possible. I know now that he worried this would happen. So why didn't he talk to me about triggers and try to be proactive with me. Why didn't he give us a chance to avoid this? Why didn't he care enough to talk to me and try to prevent this?
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reading through this thead i read a whole lot about "HE" and his actions.
the real problem is you and your actions.
the REAL question is why YOU allow it to happen.
there is absolutly nothing you or anyone can do to help an addict until they want help. we addicts/alcoholics really like enablers and codies in our lives.
ive been on both sides.
when i was a practicing alcoholic/addict i picked enablers and codies for my hostages. used to play the pity party game with em now and then to try and keep em. " this is my destiny" was used more than 100 times.eventually the BS got tiring and i would get kicked to the curb.
best move them women made because they were gonna get dragged down with me.
when i got into a relationship with a practicing addict/alcoholic, me being there to listen to her crap was enabing her to continue the behavior that had her screwed up. i was contributing to her demise. it also kept me from lookin at my own problems- the fears, insecurities, and low self esteem.
when i started lookin at me(after dumping her)-removing her and all the questions about her behavior- remarkable things happened to me. i found causes and conditions and ways to get secure and love myself more.
someone secure in themselves and loves themselves wouldnt allow unacceptable behavior in their lives, as shown by the women i had been in relationships with while a practicing drunk/druggie.
i didnt cause it
cant control it
cant cure it.
the real problem is you and your actions.
the REAL question is why YOU allow it to happen.
there is absolutly nothing you or anyone can do to help an addict until they want help. we addicts/alcoholics really like enablers and codies in our lives.
ive been on both sides.
when i was a practicing alcoholic/addict i picked enablers and codies for my hostages. used to play the pity party game with em now and then to try and keep em. " this is my destiny" was used more than 100 times.eventually the BS got tiring and i would get kicked to the curb.
best move them women made because they were gonna get dragged down with me.
when i got into a relationship with a practicing addict/alcoholic, me being there to listen to her crap was enabing her to continue the behavior that had her screwed up. i was contributing to her demise. it also kept me from lookin at my own problems- the fears, insecurities, and low self esteem.
when i started lookin at me(after dumping her)-removing her and all the questions about her behavior- remarkable things happened to me. i found causes and conditions and ways to get secure and love myself more.
someone secure in themselves and loves themselves wouldnt allow unacceptable behavior in their lives, as shown by the women i had been in relationships with while a practicing drunk/druggie.
i didnt cause it
cant control it
cant cure it.
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I appreciate the response, but although I am tormented inside I am not still subjecting myself to any further damage from him. I have not reached out or responded to him in over a week, and when he asked to see me I said no. The reason my posts are so focused on him is because he is the addict and this is the place I have come to try to understand addiction and the impact it had on my relationship. He was one half of that relationship, and his addiction is something completely foreign to me. It's something I understand much less than my own issues that I am in therapy for. Wrapping ones head around situations like this and healing from them takes time, and one of the things I need to do during that time is learn what I can about addiction to hopefully gain a better understanding of what has happened, which will hopefully bring me some peace. I hope I am welcome to seek some understanding here.
Sarah
Join Date: Nov 2015
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Originally Posted by Priscilla84
Why didn't he ever tell me this might happen?! He knew it was possible. I know now that he worried this would happen. So why didn't he talk to me about triggers and try to be proactive with me. Why didn't he give us a chance to avoid this? Why didn't he care enough to talk to me and try to prevent this?
Sarah
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hi kiddo .. Do you best to detach with love and compassion.
Originally Posted by Owl1370
Hawkeye is completely right. Addicts lie and manipulate. Its just what they do. Its took me a long time to realize my addict was not special. They stay clean because they have no other choice. Its hard when you love them because you want to believe them and even worse, they want to believe themselves. I forgot that until this morning. Do something for yourself today. I am going to get my toes done 
.
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Detach with love and compassion. Yes. This is what I am doing. But I have made the decision, at least for now, to not block him from communicating with me. I do not reach out to him. But today he sent me a text saying that he thinks he is about to get fired. He did something, and he thinks they are going to find out and fire him. I did not ask what. I did not get invested in the situation. Truth be told, if he did something that he deserves to be fired for, I hope he does get fired. So I simply said "i will hope things work out for you." Then he apologized for bothering me and said it was a "loser move on his part." Whatever that means. I just replied that I hope he has a good day.
My question is, since I am choosing to not completely cut off communication at this time, is this the best way for me to communicate with him? Remain removed from it but kind? Not ask questions, but wish him well? I don't want to baby him or give the impression that I'm trying to help him solve any problems, you know? I don't want to come across too cold either though.
My question is, since I am choosing to not completely cut off communication at this time, is this the best way for me to communicate with him? Remain removed from it but kind? Not ask questions, but wish him well? I don't want to baby him or give the impression that I'm trying to help him solve any problems, you know? I don't want to come across too cold either though.
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I don't want to come across too cold either though.
The underlying premise of this single sentence implies his perception of you matters.
It doesn't. Not one iota. You can be as sweet as pie to him. Won't matter. You can be a vengeful b*tch towards him. Won't matter. And the reason why it doesn't matter is because no matter how you behave, it will not change how he behaves. He's got mental health issues and addiction issues, and as a result, he's in this hermetically sealed feedback loop where nothing anyone says or does makes a lick of difference to him.
The title of this thread is "The pain isn't easing. Please help."
Here's an honest question: how do you ease your pain when you continue to choose to have contact with him? How does that help you? What benefit is there to having contact with him?
If you saw a rattlesnake on the side of the road, would you walk up to and stand next to it so it could envenomate you?
If you saw a downed power wire on your street, would you go pick it up?
No. Because you know both of those scenarios could conceivably kill you.
So why do you choose to maintain contact with someone who's killing you emotionally?
Think about what is best for you, not what you want.
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I totally understand that response, but I went to an Al Anon meeting last night and they gave me pamphlets about communicating with the addict. Advising not to scold them or make them feel bad, Etc. So I figure there must be a right and wrong way to communicate with them. I wish I had known more about it sooner, but I am trying to learn now.
True he is not my son, my brother, father to my kids, or anything else that could possibly make me feel any obligation to stay in his life. I can walk away with no strings and completely cut him out. And I might. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe in a week. Maybe in a year. But I also read that detaching with love and compassion doesn't mean you have to totally remove yourself from their life. And the love and compassion part of the phrase make me feel like...ignoring him isn't very loving.
I'm navigating this for the first time, and maybe I'm a slow learner. I just want to be totally sure of what's best for me before I do irreparable damage.
True he is not my son, my brother, father to my kids, or anything else that could possibly make me feel any obligation to stay in his life. I can walk away with no strings and completely cut him out. And I might. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe in a week. Maybe in a year. But I also read that detaching with love and compassion doesn't mean you have to totally remove yourself from their life. And the love and compassion part of the phrase make me feel like...ignoring him isn't very loving.
I'm navigating this for the first time, and maybe I'm a slow learner. I just want to be totally sure of what's best for me before I do irreparable damage.
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Priscilla
I am having a hard time detaching. I know its my codie behavior. I get angry then sad then guilty then I reach out or I respond. I still want to have hope. I know not being in the relationship is the right thing. Now I need to practice it.
I am having a hard time detaching. I know its my codie behavior. I get angry then sad then guilty then I reach out or I respond. I still want to have hope. I know not being in the relationship is the right thing. Now I need to practice it.
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I'm sorry, Owl. It is hard, and people just expect you to be able to drop all your feelings in a hot second. I know he changed overnight, but I don't have the "benefit" of cocaine brain, so it's going to take me a little longer.
I'm so sick of hearing "do you really want to be with a drug addict who can't hold down a job and manage his own life?" No, of course not. I want to be with the guy I was with for 14 months. The guy who met me at my apartment when I got off work every Friday night with a bag of takeout and watched movies with me. The guy who let himself in when I wasn't home to leave me flowers and smiley face balloons to cheer me up when he knew I was sad. The guy who kissed me goodbye every morning before he left for work, and would watch me as I fell to sleep. The guy who took me to my first concert ever (Paul McCartney!) just two months ago and insisted on buying me an over priced t shirt since it was my first concert and he wanted me to always remember it. The one who worked hard at a job he hated because it was an honest living and he didn't ever want to go back to the life he used to know. The one who loved fishing, and stand up comedy, and bang bangs (double dinners, haha), and Al Green, and Motown, and silly chick flicks that I wouldn't watch with him. The one who wanted to stay in and play board games. The one who dreamed of being a writer. I want to be with him. And I miss him. And I'm not a sociopath, so it's going to take me a little while to let that all go. Is that okay?
He's not my blood. He's not my responsibility. I don't owe him anything. But he was good to me. And he didn't deserve the life he was born into. He didn't deserve the alcoholic father, the drug addict mother, and the extended family of thugs and criminals. He didn't deserve to be on his own as a young teenager living in hotels and selling drugs to pay for a place to sleep at night.
He's a grown man now, and he makes his own choices. And the consequences are his to own. But even so, he still doesn't deserve to be alone in this world, with a father who is still always passed out drunk and a mom who is still high on weed, and friends who only "care" about him as long as he is snorting coke with them and stealing money with them. He doesn't deserve to be so scared of living a normal life.
So will I turn my back on him and show him that I'm just one more person who doesn't care if he lives or dies? I don't know. Maybe.
But maybe not. And if that makes me weak or pathetic to everyone who is so sure they could so easily turn off their love as if it were a light switch, so be it.
I'm so sick of hearing "do you really want to be with a drug addict who can't hold down a job and manage his own life?" No, of course not. I want to be with the guy I was with for 14 months. The guy who met me at my apartment when I got off work every Friday night with a bag of takeout and watched movies with me. The guy who let himself in when I wasn't home to leave me flowers and smiley face balloons to cheer me up when he knew I was sad. The guy who kissed me goodbye every morning before he left for work, and would watch me as I fell to sleep. The guy who took me to my first concert ever (Paul McCartney!) just two months ago and insisted on buying me an over priced t shirt since it was my first concert and he wanted me to always remember it. The one who worked hard at a job he hated because it was an honest living and he didn't ever want to go back to the life he used to know. The one who loved fishing, and stand up comedy, and bang bangs (double dinners, haha), and Al Green, and Motown, and silly chick flicks that I wouldn't watch with him. The one who wanted to stay in and play board games. The one who dreamed of being a writer. I want to be with him. And I miss him. And I'm not a sociopath, so it's going to take me a little while to let that all go. Is that okay?
He's not my blood. He's not my responsibility. I don't owe him anything. But he was good to me. And he didn't deserve the life he was born into. He didn't deserve the alcoholic father, the drug addict mother, and the extended family of thugs and criminals. He didn't deserve to be on his own as a young teenager living in hotels and selling drugs to pay for a place to sleep at night.
He's a grown man now, and he makes his own choices. And the consequences are his to own. But even so, he still doesn't deserve to be alone in this world, with a father who is still always passed out drunk and a mom who is still high on weed, and friends who only "care" about him as long as he is snorting coke with them and stealing money with them. He doesn't deserve to be so scared of living a normal life.
So will I turn my back on him and show him that I'm just one more person who doesn't care if he lives or dies? I don't know. Maybe.
But maybe not. And if that makes me weak or pathetic to everyone who is so sure they could so easily turn off their love as if it were a light switch, so be it.
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My AXBF would watch Sex in the City with me in bed (and loved it) and made me coffee every morning, except when he would go on a bender. Then he would pretend like I did not exist and then would feel shame and regret and sad. I know he wants better. This is just a terrible disease. I struggle with going no contact/being detached/wanting to kill him/wanting him back with me.
I have gone to several Nar anon meetings and group therapy. Plus I read this board and have been writing more often. I keep telling myself its a marathon not a sprint. And hope it gets easier, and it seems to be getting easier.
I have gone to several Nar anon meetings and group therapy. Plus I read this board and have been writing more often. I keep telling myself its a marathon not a sprint. And hope it gets easier, and it seems to be getting easier.
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Unfortunately there seem to be a lot more Al Anon meetings in my area than Nar Anon. Those are hard to come by. But I think there is one on Sundays, so I will try to make it this weekend. I'm a little better today than I was when I started this thread. I definitely understand a lot more now, and that helps. Now some of the sadness I felt for me has been redirected to him. I didn't know what I was dealing with, and I wish I had known sooner.
He told me in the beginning of our relationship that if we ever broke up he doesn't want me in his life at all, that's it, he doesn't care what happens to me, it would be too hard to know anything about me if I wasn't his. Then months later he said "I changed my mind. I don't ever want to not know you. No matter what."
I'm just rambling and getting nostalgic now. Addiction. What a thing to wrap your mind around, eh? It kills the people you love but leaves 'em standing before you.
Sigh. Goodnight. Hope everyone sleeps well..
He told me in the beginning of our relationship that if we ever broke up he doesn't want me in his life at all, that's it, he doesn't care what happens to me, it would be too hard to know anything about me if I wasn't his. Then months later he said "I changed my mind. I don't ever want to not know you. No matter what."
I'm just rambling and getting nostalgic now. Addiction. What a thing to wrap your mind around, eh? It kills the people you love but leaves 'em standing before you.
Sigh. Goodnight. Hope everyone sleeps well..
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Priscilla,
You do sound better/stronger then at this threads start and that's good. We can all have a story or opinion or advice but ultimately this situation is yours to manage and deal with. We can all say drop him and run but that is a hell of a lot easier said then done... Sometimes advice comes from what we wish we ourselves could do and not necessarily what we have done. But as you said you do have the benefit of him not being attached to you in a way that binds you to him for life. But he has already changed your life in a way that has forced you to have to try to understand the addict behaviors, Just to help understand your own pain. That is like trying to understand a foreign language or a secret code. Then you throw love into it all.... Its not easy and I am sorry if we or I have made it seem like there is a simple answer, because there is no easy answer. In a normal relationship you can love and be loved and support and be supported and fight and make-up and so on. But you suddenly take all these behaviors and put them opposite an addict and you suddenly become a codependent... An enabler.... It makes ya wanna scream!!! Everything you did right in your relationship is now taboo!
What???!!! So not fair!! But as much as he did not deserve the cards he was dealt. Its not your hand to play and you can't change his ****** hand into Full house. Only he can. (and he can!) You are doing the right things. Going to meetings, reaching out on here, not reaching out to him, not feeding into his sad stories or trying to fix his mistakes. There are so many things in life that we do not deserve to have happen to us. But we choose what we do with what we have been given. If all he has is garbage in his life its because he chose not to clean up. One thing will always ring true - you can not make choices for him no matter what. But you can make them for yourself. This will all take time. Healing can't happen overnight. But if his presence, what ever it may be, is making your healing impossible... Then you will have to make some hard choices and they WILL hurt but they will be worth it because you are worth it!! I am not saying that he is not but he has to be worth it to himself... It all starts from within.... for everyone the enabler the addict ... the human..... Keep reaching out it will help! You are not alone, I am learning everyday how to live differently and not be an enabler and to find a way to love myself. Stay safe and be careful! I wish you well!!!
Sarah
You do sound better/stronger then at this threads start and that's good. We can all have a story or opinion or advice but ultimately this situation is yours to manage and deal with. We can all say drop him and run but that is a hell of a lot easier said then done... Sometimes advice comes from what we wish we ourselves could do and not necessarily what we have done. But as you said you do have the benefit of him not being attached to you in a way that binds you to him for life. But he has already changed your life in a way that has forced you to have to try to understand the addict behaviors, Just to help understand your own pain. That is like trying to understand a foreign language or a secret code. Then you throw love into it all.... Its not easy and I am sorry if we or I have made it seem like there is a simple answer, because there is no easy answer. In a normal relationship you can love and be loved and support and be supported and fight and make-up and so on. But you suddenly take all these behaviors and put them opposite an addict and you suddenly become a codependent... An enabler.... It makes ya wanna scream!!! Everything you did right in your relationship is now taboo!
What???!!! So not fair!! But as much as he did not deserve the cards he was dealt. Its not your hand to play and you can't change his ****** hand into Full house. Only he can. (and he can!) You are doing the right things. Going to meetings, reaching out on here, not reaching out to him, not feeding into his sad stories or trying to fix his mistakes. There are so many things in life that we do not deserve to have happen to us. But we choose what we do with what we have been given. If all he has is garbage in his life its because he chose not to clean up. One thing will always ring true - you can not make choices for him no matter what. But you can make them for yourself. This will all take time. Healing can't happen overnight. But if his presence, what ever it may be, is making your healing impossible... Then you will have to make some hard choices and they WILL hurt but they will be worth it because you are worth it!! I am not saying that he is not but he has to be worth it to himself... It all starts from within.... for everyone the enabler the addict ... the human..... Keep reaching out it will help! You are not alone, I am learning everyday how to live differently and not be an enabler and to find a way to love myself. Stay safe and be careful! I wish you well!!! Sarah
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Thank you. You're exactly right. Everything I was supposed to do during the entire relationship is now what I can't do. Everything he wanted me to do is exactly what he doesn't want from me now. And the change was so sudden and unexpected. It's a totally different person there now, and I'm left wondering if the person I did know for 14 months was ever real. Or is this real, and that person was the phony? And there's always the thought " oh well when he meets a better girl he will be back to the sweet guy you knew. He just doesn't think I am worth being that guy for."
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