saw1978

It makes me so sad to hear how much your hurting. I'm sorry that you are! I hope that you are able to give your self the time to heal and distance yourself from this man. I have been at every angle of your situation. My father was a drug addict when I was a child and all through my upbringing, I watched my mother turn into an alcoholic because my brother became a addict right by my fathers side. I then watched my mother lose her son when he was 27 to an overdose, its an unimaginable pain to have to survive... I losing my brother, my father losing his son and blaming himself... and my son losing his buddy, his pal, his uncle. Then over the next 10 years my own husband became a drug addict and just a month ago started on this terrifying, nauseating, life altering road of recovery. I am going to repeat myself by saying I am truly sorry for this pain you are in! Its a hurt that can only ease with time not with the man who initiated its source... Addiction is a love that you can not compete with. It is a love that leaves it victims forever heart broken... I hate to say it but I mean it with all that I am... "Run! Don't Look back!" Take this as a lesson, heart break and love lost... But please don't let this become what it could.... A very ugly place where you become lost to yourself and irrevocably broken. I know it may seem to you as if that couldn't happen but it can and it will and If I could change the path I've already walked, crawled and been dragged... I would. But since I can't I would like to try and stop someone else from wishing they had done things different. This is one place where ones hind sight often resembles another and that is not coincidence. You are loving and kind and concerned and so very sweet in your intentions but before you know it those wonderful characteristics will be replaced with anger and doubt and hopelessness with a side of mistrust. Take care of YOU!! Please!! He is not right for you or anyone for that matter. But as much as it hurts you to let go and how unbelievable it is that he changed so drastically overnight... this is the torturous reality of an addict. Imagine living day in and day out with these constant behavior changes... You will be tortured in return, never knowing what is real and what is not. I beg you not to sign on for that! I do not want to sound mean and heartless, I am so sorry if I do and I hope you do not take me offensively. Just please try to understand that your love can not save him no matter what... and THAT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!! But your love for yourself can save you. I will be keeping you in my prayers! not just for strength but for the healing of your heart!
Peace and Love
S.A.W.

Txhelp

So this is happening and you are devastated. I understand to well...my husband had 12 year sobriety prior to marrying me....relapsed 6 months after we married-recovered-and relapsed 2 weeks ago in a big way!

Active addicts don't think logically-accept this....often they HATE themselves for what they are doing but still do it as it's the disease of addiction. They make their own choices/excuses to use.

Using over an argument (like my husband did) wasn't a normal response if he's in recovery. He had already begun relapsing with alcohol (meth is his d.o.c) and in his mind with meth...before he used.

It is NEVER your fault. Get that out of your head!

Take care of yourself; draw on your support; get additional support Alanon etc; read about addiction; keep walkin

Priscilla84

I'm sorry you guys are going through this too. Thank you so much for taking the time to give me words of support.

I've been reading so much about addiction. Some of it makes sense, but some of it (and I know I will sound terribly naive now).. But some of it doesn't sound like MY addict.

I hear of these relationships full of turmoil and fighting. Of constant disappearing for days at a time. Of insults. Stealing. Lying. I know it was only 14 months but it was such a consistent 14 months. Never raised his voice. Never got angry. Never disappeared. His actions always matched his words and intentions. He never wavered in his feelings for me or intentions for our future. I never saw a crack. Never saw any indication that he wasn't who he was saying he was. He worked. He took care of his kid, and he was with me. Even now since he has been gone he has these moments where he seems so full of clarity and he is so well spoken that i wonder if I am making this out to be more than it is. Maybe he knows what he can handle and he isn't overdoing it, or isn't doing hard drugs. He keeps referring to this as a phase. He just wants to explore his dark side right now and once he gets through this phase he will get his life together.

Maybe he is in control. Maybe he has it figured out. Maybe I'm just crazy and imagining things.

AnvilheadII

He keeps referring to this as a phase. He just wants to explore his dark side right now and once he gets through this phase he will get his life together.

from what YOU said about him, he already HAD his life together and THEN decided to F it all up. the translation of his BS statement above is: I've decided i want to get do drugs and get high and screw off. That included you as collateral damage, cuz relationships especially with NON-addict chicks can be such a buzzkill.

the fact that you didn't see this coming goes to show how Cunning, Baffling and Powerful addiction is. It's a cautionary tale also for any addict in recovery.......myself included (8+ years off crack cocaine)....we are all exactly ONE bad decision away..........

he was an addict LONG before you met....you just didn't get to "meet" him in addiction.....now you have.

Owl1370

I did not meet the addict until I met the addict. When I met the addict I wanted to fix/protect/help/love/cure my addict. My addict was special and our love was strong. The more I tried, the more addicted he became and the more angry I became. Then I finally accepted, HE LOVES ME, HE LOVES CRACK MORE!!!!!

I have told him that, and he does not disagree. He wishes it was not that way, but has not committed. So for today, I love me more and I work to lose my anger and disappointment. It will happen for you Priscilla84. You can love him and know it was not a lie. But you will not come first.
It sucks but I still have hope for my AXBF and for me.
Owl -- still looking for wisdom but finding peace!!!

ubntubnt

hiya, I am in a humbled period right now on Day 5 but I think I can help you with a little perspective.

Without beating my own drum Priscilla I have two sides. The public side I show everyone and my personal hell/reality. I am CEO of a successful company with 3,000 employees. I am married and have two kids. I run a number of charities in 3 countries and I have a nice social circle. Anyone who knows me would describe me a stand up guy, confident and successful.

I am also an alcoholic who has struggled to contain my addiction to alcohol for 20 years. Probably 50% of the times in the last 10 years that I have drank even a single drop it has ended in blackout. I have been run over by a car while drunk crossing the road, picked up 2 DUIs and have suffered terrible anxiety in the past two years. My descent into alcoholism is no different than that of many here. My drinking cost me my first marriage and countless other disasters over the years. I am in my early 40's and have probably been an alcoholic since my early 20's.

My point is that there are no textbook drunks or addicts. We are all the same. When the addiction takes over we will ALL burn everything to keep abusing. I assure you....EVERYTHING. I don't think that makes us bad people but its a reality nonetheless. The only way out of this is complete abstinence, forever.

That is really, really hard to do. As you are finding out. Your bf may be a great guy. Those years were wonderful I am sure. Us addicts are often the most sweet guys/gals when sober because we have learned to be to make up to those we hurt and to keep people coming back to us.

BUT....don't allow yourself to be pulled away from the truth. HE is an addict and a heavy one at that.

"Explore my dark side" = "I am completely helpless against this drug, I am falling fast here and I don't want you to be around to see how ugly the reality of the situation is. If I ever get out of this I will come crawling back to you whispering sweet words until the next time it grabs me, if it doesn't kill me that is".

His story is as typical as any other you will read about. Sorry about the pain you are feeling. Its a terrible, terrible shame that he relapsed after all these years. But thats the nature and strength of the addiction.

When I first came to the site to be honest I was surprised at how ruthless some of the posters were. Telling these other women to call the cops, walk away, take a restraining orders etc. It sounded OTT and cold. Now I now its because they all know where this road ends. They know the progressive nature of the addiction. The only chance you have with this guy is that he gets clean and never touches it again for the rest of his life. That is very possible and there are many on this site who have managed this. But as long as he is using the much more likely destination is complete and utter devastation for him and everyone that cares about him.

An addict doesn't have to homeless and drinking out of a brown paper bag to be a hopeless, burned out hollow shell of a person. get that image out of your head.

Good luck and take care.

JOIE12

Thank you ubntubnt - this is our reality.

I became a member in 2012. I did not post for quite some time. I read and absorbed why things were so 'black and white'. I was in denial but hoping something would jump out and stop me from continuing in a relationship with a heroin addict. There wasn't anything that could DO THAT. It was about 'me' and 'what I needed to do'. The words and people here literally saved me from isolation and insanity. I didn't post because I needed to piece my puzzle together and learn as much as I could about the odds while absorbing medical facts from other places. No one here is cold. No one here is interested in causing more pain to anyone suffering. But that doesn't mean that the words typed are going to be what people 'want' to hear. I am of the majority that believes we are on a path, and we will take the time necessary to know what is right for ourselves. The words may sting because of the reality and they are short and to the point sometimes ... but they stick with us. I would hear them over and over in my head as I survived each day. And it truly was 'survival'. I was in a battle not only with the addict but with myself and those who cared about me. It was a devastating time and his death made it so much worse. I am eternally grateful for the time that everyone makes here to read and formulate responses and sometimes - have criticism heaped upon them for their words. The greatest accomplishment here is that no one is alone. Everyone learns at a different rate. Children and the safety of the member are the most important concern of each of us. From my long ago marriage, I survived every kind of abuse. It happened so insidiously that I began to think it was normal. It took Alanon meetings to teach me that being choked and raped was not 'okay'. We become ill.

Denial is a method of self protection.

I have a friend who never saw that her husband was cheating on here for more than 30 years. And she actually became angry with 'us' for not telling her.

She never saw that he smoked pot more than three separate times a day for 30 years. Even tho it openly grew in her houseplants.

She never saw that two of her sons had become heroin addicts until she started listening to me talk of my ABF.

Often we see what we need to. Reality is too great to face. The death of all of our dreams is so very painful.

Priscilla84

He is pushing and pulling. Like he wants me to go away but then he doesn't, but then he does. Some days he seems to feel he ruined everything between us because he is effed up and he is sorry and he doesn't understand why he is doing this. Other days he seems happy to be without me and he puts the blame on me for ruining our relationship. I feel so bad. I've apologized for anything I did wrong and taken responsibility and expressed my desire to make it better, but he says no. If you love someone wouldn't you give them a second chance if they are showing willingness to change???

JOIE12

you are trying to make sense of the words and actions of an active addict.

It is a roller coaster of emotion. The only thing that matters are actions.
Words mean absolutely nothing. If I had a dime for all the money he borrowed, for each time he told me how much he loved me, for every sentence that stated he was going to end this addiction ....

He was a good man ... before drugs. We tend to hold onto that illusion. And, yes, it IS an illusion. A dream that never made it.

Please read and learn about Codependency. It saved me. And my future.

Owl1370

Ubntubnt said everything. What is amazing to me, is that addiction does not know if you are rich or poor, good or bad. It just knows how to make you love your DOC more than anything. I am a very successful lawyer have very close relationships with the police department. And I watched as my AXBF went to the hood and bought crack. I know what a crack pipe looks like and I know why chore boy is sold in gas stations. And no one I work with knows that part of me. This Board saved me. I saw and heard hard truths. He is not a homeless junkie and I am not a lost soul. But, walking away is the only thing. Priscilla - he will push and pull because he loves you and hates himself. You cannot help him. He needs to help himself. And the only way to love him is to let him go.

AnvilheadII

I guess at some point you have to ask yourself - WHY am I allowing someone, ANYONE, to treat me this way? why do i not value MYSELF enough?

Priscilla84

He never treated me badly. All he did was leave me.

AnvilheadII

and then jerked you around right...the whole come here, go away thing. you said he's continues to PUSH and PULL, one minute blaming himself, next minute blaming you.

bottom line is....he DID leave. so how are YOU going to recover and move on? why would you want to wait around for someone who treated you like that? you have him WAY up on a pedestal still.....to your own detriment.

what about you. what about your life? your interests?

Priscilla84

When we were together I always thought I had such a full life, and I did. I have a great job, friends, hobbies. I never pinned all my happiness on him or the relationship. Now that he is gone and the illusion has shattered I feel empty. Nothing else means what it used to mean. There isn't joy in anything now. I can't stand going to work.

I think of a friend of mine who always says "without my husband, what would be the point?" She says it in a light hearted way. She is a strong woman, but she recognizes, as many people do, that no matter what you have going on in life, love and family is the most important. I believe that's true. What matters more than jobs and money and parties and friends? The people closest to you. Your family. Your partner. And so even though I was always very good at maintaining my own identity and accomplishing my own goals in this relationship, now that I am without him I find it all feeling very pointless. In fact, maybe if I had made him more important than everything else when I had him he would still be here.

Fior

Hey Priscillia...
I am also going through a breakup with my AXBF, who likely has mental disorders (Narcissitic PD or Borderline) in addition to his addiction...which makes it crazy tough because you're dealing with those behaviors on top of all the addict behaviors as well.

I went through and am going through a lot of the same things...not eating/sleeping/etc., so I know where you're at.

Be gentle with yourself. Love yourself. And remind yourself every day (write it down and put it on a post it note if you have to!) that you deserve a lot of wonderful things in life, inclusive of happiness and non toxic relationships. Big hug.

Priscilla84

Every single morning I wake up and it all hits me again. All the pain is so fresh every morning. The idea of getting up and facing another day is unbearable. Even if I feel a little bit of relief at night, it's back to square one every morning.

Owl1370

It will get better, then worse then better. Time is the only thing that helps.

Hawkeye13

Time does help
That and taking the focus off the relationship for awhile.
What about doing something totally different, like service work
at an animal shelter, or helping homeless, or literacy skills for kids, etc.?

Sometimes not thinking about ourselves helps us heal
Sorry you are hurting so much but he is being manipulative and
to my mind playing games with your feelings.

You are very defensive of him, so I am not trying to pick on him,
just my observation from what you've posted of his actions.
"Get away / come close" is pretty typical addict behavior. . .

Priscilla84

He says he still loves me but he stopped caring about loving because there was no point. He can't make me happy and he is tired of trying. Do the drugs make him not care? Or did he really just get over all his feelings for me overnight?

Hawkeye13

He's an addict;
Who knows what he thinks / feels--he's so strung out on drugs he doesn't know.

Frankly, many addicts like to keep a string attached even when they move on
in case they don't have a soft landing where they end up.
Then it's sweet words and asking to come back in the door.

You are deeply enmeshed right now, but I do suggest you step
back and see what he does, and quit listening to what he says.
He's not reliable, logical, or particularly coherent at this point Priscilla--